Embracing Imperfect Parenting and Homemade Cosmic Brownie Cookies with Dr. Taylor Harper

In this episode of The Real Family Eats, Dr. Taylor Harper, a child psychologist, mom of two, and children’s book author, joins Reesa for a refreshingly honest discussion about parenting, homeschooling, and real life in the kitchen. Skip the fluff and get the truth behind the chaos, challenges, and small victories of raising kids.

• Tips and mindset shifts Dr. Harper uses to manage parenting stress and stay present
• Honest talk on homeschooling, socialization myths, and choosing what’s best for your family
• How to handle big personalities in kids, including creative ways to channel energy (like WWE wrestling and throwing games)
• Real strategies for managing parental anger, apologizing to your kids, and fostering emotional connection
• The importance of finding small breaks, self-care rituals, and letting go of unrealistic social media standards

Don’t forget to check the links for Dr. Harper’s books and resources at the end!

From Dr. Taylor Harper:

Im a child psychologist who focuses on sibling bonds and sel. Im also a mom who lets my kids swear and normalize the struggle.

Connect: 

@ drtaylorharperatbettertogether

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Cosmic Brownie Cookies

1/2 c unsalted butter softened

1/2 c light brown sugar

1/4 c granulated sugar

1 large egg

1 tsp vanilla extract

2 tbsp light corn syrup

1/4 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1/2 c dark cocoa powder

1 1/4 c all-purpose flour

Toppings:

3/4 semi-sweet chocolate chips

1/4 c heavy cream

Rainbow chip sprinkles

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 350F

In a large bowl, use an electric mixer on medium-high speed to cream softened unsalted butter, light brown sugar, and granulated sugar for 2 minutes until light and fluffy.

Add the egg, vanilla extract, and light corn syrup and mix on low speed until combined. 

Scrape down the sides of the bowl so everything can combine. 

Add in baking soda and salt and mix for another 5-10 seconds until combined.

Lastly, add dark cocoa powder and all-purpose flour and mix on medium until combined. 

Scoop dough into 1/4 c sized scoops, roll into balls, then gently flatten each dough ball into a 1/2" thick disc; this will help them spread instead of be puffy. 

Bake at 350F for 11-12 minutes. Do not overbake. The centers may look a tiny bit wet but will continue to bake on the hot pan, allowing them to firm up without overbaking. 

Allow to fully cool before decorating.

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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!

Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!

For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/

If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988

Go to your local hospital or call 911

Transcript

0:00

I think when you are pushed to the limit so far, that you just don't want to be that person anymore, is when you're going to change. Hey everyone, thanks for joining me. My name is Reesa and I'm your host. We are talking to real families about real stories. Here on the Real family eats, where we've got food for thought and thoughtful food. So let's eat. Welcome back everyone. Thank you so much for joining us. I'm excited about today's episode, not only about the recipe, but for the stories. I'm sure we will talk about. I have got Doctor Taylor Harper here joining us. Hi, Taylor. Thank you so much for joining and being a guest on The Real Family Eats Today. Yeah, I'm so excited to be here. I can't wait to talk about, you know, parenting staff life. The chaos that goes on in my house. And I'm sure this is going to be a favorite episode amongst the kids when they hear about the recipe. So yes. Speaking of okay, so for anybody who doesn't know you, can you introduce yourself for us? Sure. Yeah. So I am a child psychologist. I am a boy mom of two. I am a children's book author. Let me think of what else is going on. I'm a homeschooler, so we. Can you talk about that a little bit? And. Yeah, just, born and raised in the Midwest, moved out to California and just kind of living life and figuring it out. Love it. Okay, so you kind of alluded to the recipe. So tell us what recipe are you going to share with us parents today? And why did you choose this one? Sure. So so first of all, I'll pull this up. So this is the series that I started about our four year old and his baby brother. And it's cooking in the kitchen, so we do recipes all the time. It's a little chaotic on Instagram. We cook and do all those fun things. But the recipe I picked was something that I used to like a lot as a kid. And they are, you know, there's like a little, they're like cosmic brownies, I think, like, Little Debbie made them or something like that. But it's a cookie version of that. So it's always a fan favorite in our house. It's always fun. The kids love it, and it's actually in the back of this book. So it's the recipe in the back of the book. Oh, I, I love this. Okay, so tell me what give you that overview of all the stuff that I'll be doing, and then I'll get cooking and baking while we chat today. Sure. Yeah. So we're going to like what are the ingredients in the whole. Right. You know, pretty, pretty standard stuff. We're going to like, use, you know, like brown sugar, granulated sugar and egg, vanilla. Like corn sirup. And, you know, for anyone who doesn't know, not the same thing as high fructose corn sirup. Just cuz nobody knew, baking soda. So, you know, dark cocoa powder, all purpose flour, chocolate. And then, of course, we have our rainbow sprinkles, which you have to be specific about. Okay. So yeah. So you're obviously you're going to like, kind of mold them together. You're going to put them on the pan, put them in the oven. And you get to decorate with the cute little sprinkles that everybody knows. And I can't imagine a human being who doesn't know those sprinkles. Right? All right, I love it. And yes, I think you're so spot on in the fact that, any time my children have an excuse to to eat something sweet, they're. So I'm sure they will have a fun surprise. And. I know, I feel like your kids are gonna love me. It's going to be. I'm going to be the new favorite in the house. And they don't even know me. Which is even better. This is. This is. This is what. This is what we made and this is for today. So love it. Okay, well, I can absolutely plug and play in for all these in the mixer while we chat and while we do that, I know that you had mentioned, boy, you know boy. Mom, two boys, you're kind of in the thick of it, so let's chat. I would love to kind of hear a little bit about some of the challenges that you have experienced firsthand that maybe don't really fit with the Beaver Cleaver. Oh, everything's just so amazing. Lifestyle. Tell me about it. Yeah. I guess the first thing that comes to my mind is our four year old has the most, like, bubbly, just outgoing personality, with a little bit of lack of focus. Okay, I can see that she is the smartest, sweetest child. But he also, like, is one of those kids that takes no mercy. Okay? Especially especially with adults. But can you see more like. What does that mean? Yeah. So like as a prime example, he's in karate and at karate I will get videos of him. And he you would think he was on Broadway like he will I have a video and it's like a 32nd long video of him kicking and he goes, Ki. And it's just the is like most drawn, dramatic thing in the whole world. And it is so cute and so funny. He just, he just has such as, like, big personality. And so sometimes I have to like, real him in and I'm like, hey, buddy, hey, buddy. We have to, like, focus, right? We got to, like, get back on track. And I shouldn't even say sometimes because it's a lot of the time. And he definitely has some interesting, things that he loves that, you know, some parents, don't love as much. So one of my son's favorite things is hocus pocus. The movie. Yes, yes. Obsessed has been obsessed forever. I mean, forever, like, we have purchased a cape and he will sing the whole song, and, I mean, the whole thing was start to finish, like, he gets into this zone and he is, like, on his own little Broadway show. And it is just the cutest, like, funniest thing to watch. But it also comes with like so many challenges, especially homeschooling. Because when we're in homeschooling, right, it's like I can kind of just allow him to be him, right? And like, you know, whatever. If you want to get in your own world and do your thing like, that's cool. And then sometimes when he goes out into, like the community setting or things like that, and they expect him to focus, like karate, for example, he's like that. He's that kid in the back of the room. That's like coaxing other people to, like, talk to him and, like, not pay attention. Yeah. And he just is walking this fine line between like, not hindering his personality and also like being like, hey, buddy, it's time to check in, right? It's time to like, do our thing. We got to like, you know, pay attention. And he just just watching him and like, the joy that he has is so hysterical. But also sometimes is also managing my expectations, right. Because I sort of have a little bit of that, like, people pleaser mentality. Right. And so I'm like, okay, buddy, we got to focus. And then I'm like, you know what? Why do we even care? Why? Why do I care what other people think about my kids doing? He's having fun. Whatever, right? Yeah. And so sometimes it's like managing our own expectations too, right? Of like, my kid time. He's mine. It's not, you know, if he if this is how he wants to spend his karate time is doing a 32nd check in there, then, you know, whatever, you know. And so sometimes I think with parents a lot, it's it's about like our perception of what other people think. And really like it shouldn't be that like just allow your kid to exist the way that they are. Right? And like, give them the chance to have that super big, bubbly, outgoing personality, right? Because we need more people like that. We need people who truly like, care about the world and are present and who like, just enjoy life like. And I think as adults we like, forget that you're supposed to enjoy life. Yeah. And I think you're so smart. I mean, because I've heard that from so many parents like that idea, like you said, that there's so much pressure, whether it's external pressure or internal pressure of like, we've got to quiet down, we've got to fit in like society says, you know, focus and, pay attention and, you know, all these things and then, like, you're too big. It's it's it's too much. Right. And to pull it back and then there's that, like you said, that fear of us, of people looking at me now. And what are you thinking? And, you know, are they judging me? And so I think you're so spot on and I, I feel like one of the things that I hear from people is I want to be able to get to that point where it's like, I don't care, and I can just let them be there so hard. Like it's it's easier to say like, yeah, I don't care when it is actually like when you're in it to kind of be able to do some of that surrendering. And so I'm so curious, like, have you for yourself done like any explanation as to like why, why, why does that even exist? Like what's the purpose or the function for you in that? Like, like you said that people pleasing or having that like awareness of what are people thinking right now? Oh yeah, I mean, this goes way down the rabbit hole. But, yes, I've done a lot of, like, inner work to realize why it is that I grew up in that sort of people pleasing mentality. But that doesn't mean that I'm perfect, right? Like, there are totally moments where I go back into it and I'm like, okay, okay, we're let's just like, you know, let's just get it together. And then I have to remember that, like, I am the road in my child's journey, right? Like I'm here to create the general road for you, but I'm not here to hinder you or to shift you in a way. Right? Like I'm here to just help you. And so I think I just look back to all of the things that I wish I could have done differently. Right? Or, you know, that someone would have told me, right? Like, hey, baby, you do your thing, right? Like, there's so many kids right now even that I see on a day to day basis, right. Who can diagnose something? ADHD or something like that? Right. And they're too big for the classroom, right? They're just too big for the classroom. And so what do we do instead of promoting that child in the way that they are, they say, hey, let's, you know, let's tell this kid down. Right. And that's what that's, that's what life is, right? Like they were made that way for a reason. Right? There's something going on there. There's like, let's I think I just try to focus more on like, okay, this is what you enjoy, this is what you love. Let's give you those tools. Right. Versus let's hinder that. Right. And so that's why we started homeschooling, to be quite honest. I saw his personality and I saw how big he was. And I saw like, how sweet inclined and just so loving towards his, like, baby brother. He was then. I didn't want a doll that way. And I don't want to hate on like, schools. I think there's so many incredible teachers like I really do. I think there are so many people that are working so hard every day, but it's just it's the system is whole, like in I again, like there are so many teachers that I absolutely admire. I actually went back to my old elementary school about two weeks ago to do an author assembly, and my, my third grade teacher had actually just retired like last year. So I missed him by like a year. And I was so excited for that experience because he was just such like a pivotal part of my life. So there are those teachers doing the really good work. It's just the system is like not built for everybody, right? It's just not there. And so I'm so happy and fortunate that we have homeschooling as an option. And, you know, my kid gets to do all these fun, incredible things. But yeah, it's it's a, it's a battle every day. Right? Because sometimes I'm like, you know, is schooling the best option? Should I send him to school? I mean, that's like an everyday battle, right? Yeah. And then I know how much he's grown and how much he's involved. And it's. I find that every day I fight with my own family, you know? Oh, yeah. Totally. Like, they're like, you're crazy. Like you doing, like, why is your kid homeschooling? And the biggest thing, and I'm sure you can attest to this as well. The biggest thing I get is what about socialization? Yeah, I've heard that one. So many. Yes, for sure it is absurd to me. It is absurd. And I'm like, okay, let me let me just play this out for you. What about socialization? Is a kid sitting in a desk having to raise their hand, not engaging with their peers? That's not socialization to me. I know right? We're getting yelled at when they engage with their peers. This is socialization. I don't get yelled at when we were talking about because like you said, that maybe you're a little bit louder, or maybe you do kind of have this, this larger than life kind of personality. And then, like you said, is that socialization to be like quiet down, right. Nothing fit inside this, this box that we've, we've designed for you? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's, so that was like the biggest thing for me. And so that's the question that I get asked the most. Yeah, I would say when homeschooling is brought up, that's the thing I get asked most, like, what about socialization? I'm like, listen, my kid just got to go last week to do an author visit with me. He got to see like over 500 kids, right? And he got to be a part of what mom does. Like that to me is so much more beneficial. Right. And that's not everybody's journey. And I totally understand that. And there is no pressure to do anything you don't want to do, like truly do what is best for you. And I like wholeheartedly mean that. Like do whatever is best for you and do whatever is best for your kids. Yeah, but to me, like those experiences are just so pivotal. He got to go with mom to Chicago and like, see what that was like, right? And see what mom does. And he got to be like a part of that. And he got to see himself. Right. So like, I was reading this, so I have four books, but I was reading this to older kids and they were doing meditation and mindfulness for the younger kids. And so he had to come in and like all of these kids were so excited to meet him because it was him. Yeah. And so he was like, we're excited. He like to know what to do, to kind of like process it. He was just like, and no, he doesn't realize he's like famous, right? He has no concept of that. And I get asked that to like, does he realize that? And like not really. No, he doesn't he just, you know, like, even the other night, he had to go and sign books and an author visit that I did, and he was like, mom, why do they want my signature? And I was like, well, buddy, because you're on the book. And he was like, you don't want me to sign their name? And I was like, no, no, they want using your name. Well, using your name. Yeah. So I mean, he gets to do like some of these incredible things. And I'm so fortunate to be able to give that to him. And like I'm so aware of that. Like I, you know like a part of it is me creating that experience. Right. But a part of that is also like just understanding that I'm so fortunate to be able to do that. And I love literally every second of it. Like truly my favorite thing on this whole planet. Hardest thing I do is being an author. Favorite thing is being a parent. Like when I know everyone, like, roll their eyes, me like, yeah, whatever. And like, there are totally hard moments like, you make that absolutely clear. You know, as we've talked about a little bit, my 16 month old is literally not sleeping through the night period. He is his coping. His coping mechanism is milk. Exhausting. So his two coping mechanisms are, milk and sleeping in between his mom and his brother. So. So it's, there's been a lot of unintentional co-sleeping nights, for sure, because eventually you just have for him, you're like, forget it. This is worth it. So, yeah, our our bed is totally full between dad, our four year old, our 16 month old, and Mia, our bed is tapped out. The dogs are on the floor. It's been, the. I mean, I think, you know, I just I'm always just, I think, and I had to change my mindset. And this has been, you know, over time. But I'm just so grateful to get to experience these things right. And, like, be present for them. And I think that's the biggest thing is like, just be present, right. Like, you know, like, again, we will roll their eyes and be like, you're not that happy. Yeah, I know there are moments where I totally am, like losing my shit. Like I'm, I'm a human, right? Like. And that absolutely happens. But I was never once I compare the losing your shit part because this is something I don't. I get asked this, but I feel like I would ask this as a therapist through like for real now. Like, do you ever lose that? You know, let's let let's be real and people don't believe me. So I love take a moment, ask you the same question I get asked so many times. So even as a therapist, you lose your shit. Oh my God. Totally. I'm a human. Like that is. I know that people think that we're, like, perfect and like, we just have all these answers, right? And again, with everything, it's easier for me to tell somebody how to do their life than it is to do mine. Right? Right. Everyone can give advice, right? But doesn't always mean you're taking it. I have no idea. Right. But, I think for me, I've gotten really good at prioritizing, things that I really enjoy in order to give myself that space. Okay. So. Sure. Favorite things of mine, Sana, I go, I'm like this very ritualistic human being. Every Friday I go to the sauna. That's kind of my jam. Every Sunday I go to yoga. I do like a restorative yoga class. Okay. Once a month, I go to, Her name is Detox by Rebecca. It's a lymphatic drainage. So I'll make, like, one day, and I'll do that, and I'll do a facial, so I'll literally go, like, five minutes away. I'll go to the facialist and I'll kind of just create this day for myself. Right. And that to me just gives me that extra moment to just kind of like write because I'm Fridays. It's just me. Like, it's I don't work on Fridays. So it's just me and the kids all day long. So by

the time 6: 18:59

00 or whatever time it is rolls around, my husband comes strolling down. I'm like, okay, going to the sauna by later. I gotta get out of here. I like my gym and, yeah, I'm like, driving her car. I'm like, one wheel. I'm like, see you guys later. You know, so I absolutely have moments, but I think I just learned over time that I. And I think I'm creating someone's inner self. Right. And I think that's so crucial that I don't lose my shit. And if I do, then, like, I need to, like, take a step back or. And I know this is hard for parents, you need to apologize. And I know it's hard. Right? You need to apologize. And I think for me, that's like it was hard at first because I was like, why don't I apologize? It's ridiculous. Yeah. And then I realized, like, I'm creating a whole person, right? And I want this person to apologize for things that they do to other people. Then I need to mirror that. Right? So even if I do lose my shit, which it only happens. Yeah. I get on this level and I apologize. You know, I look him in the eyes like I would do to anybody else, and I apologize. Yeah, it was it was real hard at first. It was like, can you think more about that? Because you're so right. And I hear that all the time, right? There's this idea of, like, apologize to my kids, right? You know, for you, like, what did you find maybe was some of your, your hangups and what didn't make it so difficult? I think it's that concept of like, if the tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, did the tree fall right? So I think a lot of parents can see it as like, oh, I don't need to apologize to my kid because, like, they're not going to remember, they're not going to know, right? Like, yeah, the tree really fall. Right. And you can just kind of walk away. Right. What you're doing is you're just modeling behavior. Right. So at the end of the day, like they're going to be like oh and I have to apologize. Why would I. Right. So I just always kind of try to come from the place of love and compassion. So that's hard. Like it's hard right. But but my biggest thing. Right. So when I'm driving home from work, again, I create these little moments for myself. Right? So when I'm driving home from work, I'm. You're listening to, like, a murder podcast. Because I feel like it's like all females or I'm jamming out to, like, some twins rap. We're talking like Eminem. Whatever you can possibly think of. That's just like a little intense, right? Yeah. And that kind of just, like, just sits me in a good place, right? Or I create a fun thing for my kids. So being a boy mom means a lot of physical altercation. So something that I do with our oldest, and he thinks that is the funniest thing in the world. We have speakers like downstairs that are in our, like, ceiling. And so I'll turn on our speakers and I'll play, hopefully they see this. I, I play WWE music, Yes I do, yes, I actually do. And we will like, think, wrestle. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. So here's my, here's my therapist moment, just like music and wrestle with your kids. Right. Well, what I love about that is it's a great way to channel that energy. And like you said, kind of towards the beginning is that these are things that if we can nurture them and, and create that path, and even reframing our own way of looking at it, that, gosh, how much we could nurture some of that creativity and some of that energy that is naturally going to be there developmentally. I mean, like, you know, we've got those feelings. You're going to find a way to do that. WWE wrestling, when you give them a space to do it or not. And so now in this way, what I love is that you're, you're providing maybe like an outlet for that in, in a way that contains, you know, kind of oh yeah. Okay. Let's see for way maybe that's the way. Yes, yes. A lot of life with kids is reframing. So I went through a massive throwing phase with our four year old, and it was right before, of course, our youngest was about to be born, and I was like, oh my gosh, he's throwing everything. This is just so hectic. And my husband, of course, like turns and looks at me and I'm like, I don't know, right? Like I'm doing it. What do I do with this? He's just throwing. It's just insane, I don't know, and at one point he broke a TV, an accident. Yeah. So we had went to we had went on a vacation and we went to the NASCAR Hall of Fame, and we got him, like this toy car, and it was like a pretty heavy vehicle. And all of a sudden, I came upstairs one day and he had just gone answers for, like, literally 30s. I was like, hey, buddy, go get your shorts. Come downstairs. I go stairs because he's taking a long time, which probably means he's like in his own world. So all of a sudden I just see this, like, crack in the TV, and I was like, okay. And I finally keep my cool, right? Because I realized that, like, yes. Does it absolutely have to buy a new TV? Totally. But it was me losing my cool going to be beneficial. No it's not. And at the end of the day, all I'm doing is I'm making myself feel better. It's not actually, it's not changing what happened. I'm just mad at him. And so I'm going to take it on, on him. But that doesn't make anything better. And all I'm doing is creating like more problems for him. So I talk to him about it. I somebody just please be honest. Like what happened. And he was like, well, I thought it was funny to throw the car in the air. And then I hit the TV and I was like, okay, so like, not intentional, right? And I think that's what parents go first is like it's intentional and like most of the time not intentional, right. Like most of the time, just a weird sort of error that has occurred with kids because they were testing the limits of life. Right. And that's what they're doing. So I think, yeah, I mean, it's a it's a whole thing. So we went through this learning phase. And so what I had to do was I had to create a lot of things for him to do that he could throw. So I put a bucket on the couch and I would give him, like, those soft, squishy balls and try to make it into the bucket. Yeah, right. We have these things from Amazon where, you know, those, like, couches that, like, foldable couches. Yeah. You can fold it up into, like, a square. And then there's like this Velcro piece that goes around and it looks like either like a hockey goalie or like a baseball catcher or whatever, and it has little holes in it and you can, like, throw into there. And that way you could throw as hard as he wanted because it was just going directly into this, like, couch. So we really just had to get really creative for a while. And Pinterest is my best friend, completely my best friend. Because I feel like even though, like I'm on social media, a lot like Instagram becomes this really overwhelming like thing where you can just constantly like scroll and scroll and you're just like, this too much Pinterest. I can like get a few ideas and I can like move on with my day. But yes, a lot of throwing related ideas. Thankfully we're past that. But there's always phases in life where things will get broken and stuff doesn't go quite right. And I think just really remembering that like, yes, you like lost your shit for two seconds, but that is like creating this humans mindset. And so the last thing I want to do is give him anxiety or OCD or any of those things, right? Like the last thing I want to do, because I see it in these little kids in it is just like I see these little kids every day. And I was like, oh, and I just want to give them a hug. And I'm like, let me just hug you, like, just hang on a minute. Yeah, right. And like, I have kids in my office who just come like, sit on my lap and they just want me to, like, be there and be present. Right. And like, that's okay. But I think it's just even in the midst of the chaos, I just want to really come from a loving, good place. And I know it's really hard. Right? You've worked all day long, you're exhausted, I get it, the lack of sleep totally here, right? Me and coffee are best friends. Me and coffee are absolutely best friends. But at the end of the day, I just really look back and think, like, I'm creating a whole person and I'm creating their mentality and how they're going to engage with the world. And like, I guess it's easy when I have perspective because I go to work every day, right? And I see these things that like, are like not good spectrum, right? And so I think it gives me a lot of perspective every day, but it doesn't mean that I'm perfect. Right. And I think you can agree with that. Right? Like, I'm sure there are things in parenting that you've done that you're like, that was interesting. Oh yeah. And in fact, I think probably every day, like, if we really have to get on, it's probably something every day that we do that differently. Yeah, probably going yeah, sometimes I'm just too tired and I forget it. Just whatever. Just let it happen. Like, yeah, like it just is what it is. And I, you know, you mentioned kind of just this idea of kind of even the anger I heard you mentioned that if I were to go out and I, you know, like the car incident and the TV, that if you were to kind of get big and get loud, that it would be about you, could you say more about that? Like, why would you're coming from that place, be about you? Because it's it doesn't benefit him for me to sit there and scream at him and be like, don't do this. Don't do that. Right. And like, come at him. He's like, he was like two and a half at the time. Like what? How is that going to benefit him at all in any way? It's not, you know, like it's it's really it's it's not going to work like that. Right. And so at the end of the day, all it would do is make me feel better. And that's the crazy thing, right? Is like, does it really make you feel better? Because then like, I feel like when I do lose my shit, I feel like immense amount of like shame and just guilt and I'm like, I'm so sorry. Like, why did you do that? Right? And so I think if we can just alleviate that part right, just take a deep breath. Take a deep breath. And this I'm laughing because, there's so on another podcast about why I got into meditation and mindfulness and things like that. And that was kind of a wild journey. And so for me, just like taking a deep breath and I think about it like this, like just because there's a tornado going on around me doesn't mean that I need to respond. Right? Like I need to take a moment and just be like, it's okay, we're okay. We're going to be fine. We're going to, like, work this out together. Right? So even though he was two and a half, I treat him like he's an adult, right? So I sat him down and said, hey, buddy. Like, just tell me what happened. Like, let's just be honest. I said, don't lie. You know, just tell me what happened. And he said, you know, like he said, you know, he thought it was funny. I said, okay, buddy, what do you think that's funny now? And he was like, no. And I was like, okay. And so the natural consequence of that was, guess what? When he wanted to watch TV, he couldn't because he couldn't see the TV. So the natural consequence there was like, yeah, this sucks. You can't see the TV. Like half the TV is black, you know, like you can't see the TV. And so we kind of left it like that for a while because I wanted him to realize, like, that's what happens when you do this thing. Right? So it was a bigger sort of natural consequence for him to learn that that TV doesn't work. Now, then, for me, I sit there and like, what is berating you? Okay, I'm going to do nothing. It's not going to do anything. You're not going to benefit from that. Like, and again, I get it. You were like pissed with me. You go to work all day, you got to pay for this dang TV. It's a whole thing, right? But I just think about it as everything in life is replaceable. My kids mental health is not. It's a non-negotiable. Yeah. Right. My kids physical health non-negotiable. Yeah. I was just going to ask I mean again to kind of have this now in your current brain where you're, you know maybe more regulated. Right. Right. You're right. Now hopefully. Yeah. It seems like it might be an easier thing to say, but when you're in it. Yeah. Excuse me. But I get it, I get it. We, Yeah, we're in the midst of all of that chaos. When kids got a an infection at the moment, it's a whole hot mess. Sorry about that. It was that chocolate. It just kind of wafted in. Down the road. Thank goodness. Okay, well, for back. So, just getting to that point, I imagine isn't easy. Sure. Yeah. So I'll take you there. I'll take. How did I get to that point? So the first two books I ever wrote were about meditation and mindfulness for kids. So I started working with adults and I realized that, like, adults really lacked basic coping skills. And so I said adults to kids definitely don't. So I started doing that when our oldest was about six months old. And I actually started out doing meditation and mindfulness, not because I thought it was like the super cool thing, but solely because, I thought I was going to get an A in the class. I thought I was going to be able to sleep. It was a college class. And so our teacher comes in and, just talking about this last week, and it turned into this whole, like, other conversation when our teacher comes in here, is this, like, very he's like, very eccentric. I don't know what this man is about to teach us. But half of my class is asleep, like, midway through the class, I was like, 930 in the morning. I know it was like nine. Yeah. For sure. Yes, it was like 930 in the morning. It's a bunch of, like, college athletes, like everyone was just like, I'm just, you know, we all had workouts that morning, so I was just like, this is a chance for us to go to sleep. He turns out all the lights he like puts on YouTube video meditations and like, that was like my experience. And then eventually I was like, oh, this is kind of cool. Like, maybe I'm stuck in this class, right? Like, I might as well see what this is about. And so I started doing it, and then I started challenging myself to see how long I could, like, meditate right now. Just kept challenging myself and challenging myself. And the more that I went through that process, I then started like a 30 day yoga challenge where I do yoga every day for 30 days. And they say it takes about 21 days to change, like your mindset overall. And so I just really focused on, I think when you are pushed to the limit so far that you just don't want to be that person anymore is when you're going to change, right? And so for me, I like being that people pleaser and not being able to form my own opinions or my own decisions or, you know, always having this weird level of anxiety. And I didn't even know why. So these things kind of all culminated together. And I started to do meditation, mindfulness, and then I took a couple more classes because I really loved it. And so I was learning the meditation mindfulness techniques, but then I was taking the yoga and the things that they were teaching in that yoga class. Right. Like being present, just like they say that if you're living in the in the future, you have anxiety. If you're living in the past, you have depression, right? And so always just try to live in the present, right? Like I really, really do. And it's a daily thing, right? Like even for me is for years and years and years. And it's so like a daily thing, right. Like I still really have to push myself to not respond in certain ways, even with adults. More so, adults and kids, because kids, I'm like, oh, you're so sweet and cute, like innocent, adults. I'm like, I'm like flipping up the middle finger and I'm like, see you later, Joker. And I'm sure, like, no one can believe that coming out of me. But it does happen, I promise. Kids, I'm very sweet and kind to not adults so much. So, I mean, I think for me, it was just one of those things that I just had to really, like, push through over time and then, like, I don't I don't know how to explain it to you, and I don't know that I'll ever be able to do it. But like the moment that I saw our four year old, I was just like, I love you so unconditionally and I don't know how I can ever be mean to you. Like, I just don't know how I could do that. And so it's not that I don't have moments where I'm, like, so pissed off and just like, oh my gosh, or like this obsession right now is that he wants us to build him rainbow on a boat. No, I'm not a woodworker any way, shape or form. And he has talked about it 7000 times. I mean, I literally mean that like, mom, are you going to go to Home Depot? And I'm like, no, I'm not going to go to home. Do I want to do this? Yeah. He solicited my sister in law. Like he's got the whole the whole thing. Like it's it's a whole it's a whole thing. And so yesterday, even yesterday, we were driving home and he started arguing with me. And at Home Depot was the other way. And I was like, buddy, Home depot is five minutes from our house. No, it's not your line. I was like, why would I lie to you about the location? What? I said, I'm Home Depot, here's this place on this about me because I was coming. So like, do that. But I'm so tired of hearing about this. But, and so, like, I was dealing with my husband not feeling well, I was like, dealing with our youngest, having an ear infection. And then this guy in the back telling me that I'm lying about the location, Home Depot. I was just like, oh my gosh. So I just sat there and I took a deep breath. And I'm saying, buddy, if you talk about home people one more time, I was like, I will not build this boat. Like I promise you, I will not build this boat. I won't even try. Like if you ask me about home to people again. And so there isn't moments when I like, don't lose my mind or think about it, right? But I think I've just become really good at changing my mindset and not like losing it, right? Or like for me, sometimes just being silent is the better option. I'm losing my mind. Yeah, no. Like I had my doctor Pepper in the car and I was just like, sitting there. Just like drinking my doctor Pepper driving home. Just like listening to him incessantly tell me that I was the wrong way. And I'm just like, it's fine, it's fine. And like, even my own husband will ask you, like, how do you say so? Like, so calm. And I'm like, I think part of it too is that like people pleaser sort of mentality, right? There's so there's so I do think there are some good things about it. Right. But okay, generally speaking I think I always just put everybody first. And so it was just a natural progression in parenthood to put my kids first. And that was kind of this like cool thing. But so I mean, in ways I'm like, I can understand that I it was not a terrible thing. But then I just had to take out the anxiety and the things like that, that kind of created this negative mindset. Yeah. Which really, I love putting them first every second of every day. Like, and I know that sounds crazy, right? But that's why I said, like, being an author. Hardest thing, being like is easiest thing. Truly, being an author is one of the most challenging things I've ever done. Because you just don't see how much work it takes to, like, start to finish, and then you're constantly promoting yourself every day, all day, all day long. I mean, it is insanity. Like it's crazy the amount of work like I respect authors an insane amount. Like after doing all of this, like shout it to every author who's really do, yeah. I mean, I think I just it's just taking a lot of time and a lot of introspection and a lot of me learning. And then, you know, when all else goes to hell, we just wrestle in the living room. We just, you know, and I think it works for me to write like it works for me in a way that I can kind of like decompress, right? Or some of the things that we do. So after our second son was born, I worked with someone who kind of taught me like a functional way of, like, working out. Right? So doing it more, based on, like, your body and things like that, making sure you're doing the right form and stuff like that. And so one of the things we did was we did a lot of like, bear crawls and a lot of like inchworm and things like that. And so I will implement that with our kids. Right. Like I'm like, okay, let's race, let's do a bear call. Right? Like and I get out energy so I can't possibly be frustrated. I'm too tired to be frustrated. Yeah, absolutely. So I mean, I can't give you like a guidebook, but it was just time and patience and learning about me. What I love what you said and I think it kind of falls in that. Right. That you, you kind of got to a point. It sounds like if I heard you correctly, you think you got to the point where you, you hate were I can either keep going down this path or I can make a change. I don't know necessarily what that change looks like. I have to learn all these new skills, learn all these new things. But I have the ability to do that. And the motivation to do that was it sounds like kind of you seeing within your camp, like I want something different for you. And I was change for you and a different path that I can help, you know, create for you. And it's going to take me like learning all these new skills and how to, like you said, how can I incorporate, even opportunities for me to get some of my own, my anger and my frustration kind of out in appropriate ways? And how can we just really kind of incorporate that, if I'm hearing you correctly? Oh, yeah. I mean, like, I think, you know, as we both have experienced, generational trauma is a real thing, right? Like we passed down these things for so long, and people do things the same way for so long. And then we wonder why nothing changes. And it's like, because you're still doing the same thing, right? Like you're still in that space. And so it's not like a call to action to parents is not telling you to like, like, you know, read seven books and like, what I'm really I get it. We are truly like a generation of people who are so burnt out and like I some days just lose my mind because of my schedule, not my kids or anything else. Right? But like everything that's going, everything else that's going on in my life, right. And like a lot of it's like really great things. But that doesn't mean it doesn't wear on you. It doesn't mean that doesn't happen. Right. And so I just I think coming from being a people pleaser to not the thing that I have learned the most is making sure that I ask for what I need. Right. A parent, I don't think we do that enough is like asking for what we need, right? If anything from our partner, it be from our kids, or that'd be from whatever, right? Like even from our self. Like being able to ask for what you need, right? If you need a break, take a break. Right. Take a break. Right? It seems so simple, but truly, like that's when I go to the sauna on Friday, right? I sit there and watch like garbage TV and just like sit in the sauna and, you know, get a little sweaty and like, watch some trash TLC or whatever it might be. And I sorry, TLC for saying that. You're trash. It's not trash. I watch we are big fans of 90 Day Fiancé, if you've ever seen it. I've not seen it, but I've heard of it. Yes. Wild. Absolutely wild. Because I think as a parent, just kind of finding your thing, right? Finding whatever that thing is that, like, makes you happier or, like, gives you fulfillment, right? For me, it's like doing sports with my kids, too. It's, like, super important to me. You know, being a college athlete, I a going on, like, play tennis with our four year old. They're all like, you know, my husband can't wait to play home run derby, but that's a little later on. We need a little more time for that. But I think the more time we spend with them, and, like, I can't say this enough and, like, again, this is not for everyone. Like, I promise you, it is. It is not for everybody, but the dynamic between our two kids because they are both in our home is incredible. I mean, it is so adorable to watch them. I mean, it's absolutely adorable. Like there's there's no other way to describe it. They spend so much time together that they don't know anything else. Like if I ask my four year old, who's your best friend? He's either going to say me dad or his brother. I think that's it. Yeah, yeah. And so I think that's so helpful to is that they send so much time together that they have to learn to coexist because they spend so much time together. Right? So I think a lot of times they're on these like homeschool parents go on these podcasts and like everything's great. We have like, you know, 15 kids and everything's just rolling fine. And it's like, yeah, because you have to learn to coexist. You don't have an option. Like you just kind of have to make it work great. You're all in the house, you're all doing your thing like let me see if there's a, I know there's like a very cute this, this was like literally this morning. So in the midst of our non sleeping chaos right. Half the time I'm like off the bed. So when I just get up and I'm like, forget it. I'm an early morning human being. And so eventually I was like, forget it. Oh, that's something crazy too. Biggest piece of advice I could ever give to parents. And I think this was so pivotal for me. Get up two hours before any kids know this early. But there are something so magical about being able to sit and just like, drink coffee or do whatever you do in the morning all by yourself. Like the world just seems like it is not there. Yeah, life is not there. And you can just kind of relax and just like I'm telling you, like, even if it's an hour for your kids, like, it's a magical experience to just see. And I don't have to watch super simple songs or Miss Rachel or whatever Disney stuff we need to watch, right? Like, I can like, watch another not real, but, adult content and not to not actually constantly change the channel. Yeah, yeah. And drink my coffee and it's warm the entire time, which is wild and uninterrupted. Yeah, it's it's undetermined. And if the dog looks at me, I'm just like, no, thank you. No, thank you. So that's my biggest piece of, like, advice. Say you take anything from this is, you know, just enjoy life and, you know, get up an hour before kids get up and know. But yeah, this was there they are. They were definitely, it's like whenever I'm zooming in it's like moving. But yeah, there's a ton of them. They like, have like interlocked arms as a whole thing. You know what they are just so other it's, And I love that. And so as we kind of wrap up, the one of the things with you, you kind of, I think you gave us a big pro tip here, but I love to ask folks that if you had access to a Delorean, back to the future. Something back to the future. Can you have you had access to one? And you could go back to a point in your life, and age or whatnot, and offer yourself something not to not to change things necessarily, like change, you know, change events, but rather to offer yourself a word, a phrase, or even just a hug. When would you go back and what would you offer yourself? Well, let me think. I think right after both of my kids were born. Okay. And this is a shout out to like every mom on this planet, like, I know how hard it is and I've been there, and I live that. And like, there's just an insane amount of pressure put on moms, right? Like, I had two C-sections and I was supposed to just get up the next day and actually everything was fine, right? Like, I just wasn't get up and take care of this whole life and just kind of figure it out, right. It's I think I just go back and, like, give myself a hug in those first, the first week because that first, like a week, you know, because there were moments where I was totally having a breakdown, like in the shower, just like wanting to be by myself and being like, I love this human being so much, but at the same time, like, I just your hormones are all over the place, like it's just a whole mess. It's a whole mess. So I think I would go back and just kind of be like second time around was significantly easier. I will say that because I think you know what to expect when you have a little bit more of like a sense of what's going on. But first time around, wow. Like, that was that was crazy. And like, no amount of help from, like, your significant other or family or friends is going to change that. Like, you have to work that experience, right? Like I couldn't no one could take away the fact that, like, my hormones were just all over the place. Yeah, absolutely. And so I think I would just go back and be like, it's okay, it's going to be fine, right? Like we're going to be okay. And then you look at yourself in the mirror and you're like, who the heck is this person? Like a little person, right? And I think we see, you know, on social media and all those things, all these moms who just like Max, they like bounce back and they're like, think it's like, I'm like, we're like the moms who literally are like, you labor with like, curly hair and like, look, you. I'm like, there's someone with you. Like, did someone do your makeup in real time? Like, what is happening here? I look like a total disaster because nothing exciting about any of that. So I, you know, I think I would just go back and, like, be like, hey, it's okay. We're good. Like, it is going to be fun. Your kids are great. It's going to be all good. Because I think, yeah, I think a lot of, you know, for everything in life, social media sets a lot of unrealistic expectations. And even as, like, you know, as a psychologist, I'm susceptible to a to, like, I want certain things from my own life. Right. And so when I see that in other people, I'm like, dang, like, why don't I have that? Or like, what's going on? Like, why can't I just do more like, do that thing, right? But like, I have to remember that it's not my thing, right? That's not my journey. So yeah, for sure. I definitely go back and give myself a hug. Like in that first week of first. Yeah, I love that, though, because I think you're so right. And in so many the things that you said throughout our conversation here is that just some of that, we'll get through it. It's really rough. And I see you and I hear you in that rough. And you, you can do this even though sometimes it maybe seems like it's like, I don't think I can. Yes. And we did a lot of that when our four year old was younger. So, yeah, another little tip. Just being there, right? Like when your kids are having these full blown tantrums, you're not going to change it. And yelling at them and telling them to be quiet is not going to help you change anything. I would just get down on this level. Literally. I would sit on the floor, and I would just wait and I would say, I love you. I'm here for you. Let me know when you're ready. And eventually I got to a point where when he was ready, he would come crawl up in my lap and I would just hug him and we would kind of hang out. And now it's gotten to the point where if he's like having a meltdown, which is mainly if he's, like overtired at this point, he will be like, mom, can you hold me? Right? And that's because we foster that really good connection, like at the beginning. And it was rough, right? Like I'm sitting here listening to this child scream and just, like, lose his mind. Yeah. I was like, oh my gosh. But I just had to believe in the process. Right. I had to believe that it was going to work. And so I would just sit on the floor and I'd wait. And if that meant that I missed dinner or my dinner was cold or whatever the case may be. Right. Because it never happens in a convenient moment, never happened. And that's what it was, right? Because I knew that I was fostering this whole human being. And so I think that's just like, just be present. Just be present and be there and make them present. I mean, when you say anything like just being there isn't like you are enough. And I think that's like so crucial is like you weren't enough as a parent to just be there. Right. I don't always have to fix everything. And so sometimes you don't need to fix it. All right. And that was the thing with myself too. Like I don't need to fix everything all in one day. Right. I need to walk out of the hospital looking like I didn't just have a kid. Right? Yeah, because you did. And it's hard. And so it's okay to look like, yeah, I just went to hell and back because it was really like, you know, my organs were literally just out of my body like I was before that, you know, like. Yes. Yeah. And the second time around, I did make my husband videotape it. I had two C-sections. And the second time I was like, I want to know. I want to see what's going on here. You need a video tape? It. And our four year old. I've never shown him this video. I don't know how he's like. We must have had a conversation about it. And he was watching his brother, like, be born. I don't know why he likes watching this video. He loves it. And I'm like, buddy, can we turn it off? Like I'm getting nauseous over here right? Like, maybe because it was my skin, but I'm getting notches, so, I mean, yeah, I look back on the video and that's like a little reminder of, like, what really happened, right. And it's this incredible thing. But I think just like every mom giving yourself like, grace and please don't go on social media, just, like, check it out for like, a couple of months. Just like, leave it over there, because you're not going see anything you want to see. It's, there are very few moms who are, like, really, truly transparent about what it looks like. Absolutely. And so I thank you guys so much for being willing to come and talk to us about what really does happen, because I think, you know, it's not I will not share photos on Instagram. Yes. I will not share photos, but you just know it was a mess. It was a mess. I can relate 100%. So I appreciate you know, this is before I let you go. This is our time for Shameless plug. So for anybody who wants to connect with you, get in touch with your books or anything like that, please plug away. Tell us. Tell us how we can find you. Okay. Yeah, sure. So, social media doctor Taylor Harper at Better Together. Book wise, doctor Taylor Harper books.org. Or obviously Amazon. But if you want me to sign it and all the good stuff, you gotta go to the website, and do some pretty cool things online right now. So I don't know how quickly this is going to come out, but hopefully, maybe they'll see it before this ends. I'm not sure. But I did a collaboration with Chrome Strips for one of my meditation mindfulness books for kids. So those are out right now. And I'm actually doing a giveaway, but I think this might not come out on time, but we'll see. But if it does, you know, go check it out. Because I'm giving away a signed copy of one of my books and the comic strips that go with it. And then. Yeah, just come, come hang out with me, ask me questions, please. Like, DM me. If I can answer it is on a totally clinical question that I'm not supposed to answer. I will happily respond like it is me on social media. There's nobody else running it. It's just me, myself, and I. So you will get a response from me. Wonderful. And all of those links will be in our show notes as normal, so make sure to check that out. Thank you Taylor so much for being willing to come share your recipe. I'm excited for to put these in the oven. I am so thankful, for you be willing to just be authentic with us and share a little bit about your story and kind of how you've been making your way through it. We're getting there. We're getting there every day. Yes. So thank you again. And thank you everyone for tuning in. We will see you next time. If you or anyone that you know is struggling with any of the topics that we discussed in today's episode, make sure to check out our show notes for support and resources. You can get help. So thanks again for joining us on today's episode of The Real Family Eat. If you're a parent ready to share your real life parenting story, make sure to reach out to us and our website found in the show notes. And that goes for today's recipe social media's support and resources. All of that can be found in our show notes, so make sure to check them out and make sure to follow, like, share, subscribe, and stay up to date on all things the real Family Eats. I hope you'll join us next time for more food for thought and thoughtful food. Enjoy your eats!