Navigating the Adoption Process: Dana Parisi's Resilient Journey

Parenting coach and mom of four Dana Parisi joins Reesa to share her family’s favorite Tuna Noodle Casserole recipe—and the real-life challenges of parenting through adoption, trauma, and busy schedules. Tune in for practical cooking tips and an honest conversation about building resilience and support as caregivers.

In this episode:

• Easy steps and pro tips for making a family-friendly Tuna Noodle Casserole ("Tuna Noodle Stinkle")
• Navigating the adoption process, its unpredictability, and its impact on family dynamics
• Dana’s journey from physical therapist to parent coach supporting families of kids with trauma and neurodiversities
• The real struggles of parenting, including meltdowns, embarrassment, and the importance of building your village
• Insights on self-care, vulnerability, and reframing discipline to meet kids’ underlying needs

Get more support from Dana at livestouchcoaching.com and check out the linked resources.

From Dana:

Dana is a mom of 4 (2 biological and 2 adopted) and through her own parenting journey, was humbled to realize she needed more parenting tools in her tool belt. This started a path that eventually led to her supporting other parents through parent coaching. Dana is passionate about working with families of kids who have persistent challenging behaviors as a result of early life trauma, neuro-diversity or mental health struggles.

Connect: 

https://www.livestouchedcoaching.com/#/

https://www.instagram.com/dana.parisi/

https://www.facebook.com/livestouched

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dana-parisi-157758210/

______

Tuna Noodle Casserole

15 oz macaroni or corkscrew noodles cooked and drained

10 oz chopped frozen broccoli thawed

1-2 tsp minced onion

1 can cream of broccoli (or celery) soup

1 can broccoli cheese soup

1.5 cups shredded cheddar cheese

1 large can tuna, rinsed and drained

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

Mix together, put into a buttered casserole dish

back at 375 degrees for 45 minutes.

* add crunched up chips on top, cheddar ruffle potato chips are are favorite

* add hot sauce if you like it spicy!

******
Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!

Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!

For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/

If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988

Go to your local hospital or call 911

Transcript

0:00

I think had it been really easy. I might have skipped the idea of adopting because it's a lot easier in a lot of ways to have a biological child than to adopt. Hey everyone, thanks for joining me. My name is Reesa and I'm your host. We are talking to real families about real stories here on The Real Family Eats, where we've got food for thought and thoughtful food. So let's eat! Welcome back everyone. Thanks so much for joining us again. I'm excited for today's episode, and I'm excited for you to try out this recipe too. I have the wonderful Dana here joining us. Hi, Dana. Thanks so much for being a guest on The Real Family Eats Thank you for having me. Yes, absolutely. Okay, so for anybody who doesn't know you, can you introduce yourself for us? Yeah. Thank you. My name is Dana Parisi, and I always start by telling people that I'm a mom of four kids. And I know it's not all that I am, but it's pretty much the most important job that I do. So I'm a mom of four. I have two biological kids and then two kids who joined our family through adoption. And then because of that shift in our family, I changed focus from being a physical therapist, which is a career I loved. And, really because of my own journey and learning that I had to do, I went to doing parent coaching. So I support parents that are parenting kids that have some persistent, challenging behaviors. My real passion is to help families of kids have experienced some trauma, whether that's through adoption or foster care journeys or early life experiences that a lot of the families I work with also have kids who have, neurodiversity, like autism or ADHD or are dealing with mental health struggles. So that's what I do as my business. I absolutely love what I do. But it's also really important to me that my business, this is part of my life because my mom job is the top of my priority. Yes. And I imagine there's a lot of listeners out there that can absolutely relate. And it's it's a full time job in itself. Right. And so it's really what we're doing multiple times when you've got the parenting hat on as well. Okay. So tell us a little bit before we get into more of your story, what recipe are you sharing with our parents today and why did you choose this one? Yes. Okay. So we are doing a tuna noodle casserole, which my family calls tuna noodle Cinco, which is an affectionate name. You know, it's kind of funny if you've ever read the Jimmy B Jones. Books. There's a book in there, and she talks about a casserole and she calls it Tuna Stengel and we've taken it from that. So even though everyone loves it, that's the name that we call it. And so this is, you know, if you have multiple kids in your home, finding a recipe that pretty much everyone likes is like one of those called gems. And this is a recipe that's a family favorite. All four of my kids and my husband and I enjoy it. And it's pretty easy to make like by the time work is done, I can wrap it up and have it ready in time before sports activity starts. Fantastic. And you're so right. And that's part of, you know, the goal behind combining this podcast with like, you know, an informal pretend cooking show because like you said, trying to kind of find what are we going to have for dinner? That's just one more thing on a plate. I'm very full plate that many parents have. And so you're so spot on in that it's really helpful when you've got a couple of things in your back pocket that you know your family is going to love, and that's going to kind of nourish everybody and get you moving. Yes, absolutely. Yes. And it's got hidden vegetables, but not even hidden there in the vegetables in there and got a little something everything, a little bit of everything. Perfect. Okay. So speaking of, can you tell me kind of an overview of what I'm putting in here, the steps and I can get mixing and cooking while we chat. Perfect. That sounds great. Okay, so the first thing you're going to want to do is get some noodles boiling and some boiling some water. The recipe I think says corkscrew, but my kids have decided they're like shells. Like those little pasta shells is their favorite format. We've also use, like, a little elbow macaroni as, like, pastas for it. So any little pasta shape that you like, you're going to want to start boiling that. And then we're going to be draining the canned tuna. And I like to rinse it really good so it doesn't smell too much like tuna. So drain it really well. And then I usually do, some frozen broccoli, like broccoli flowers that the flowers that are frozen. I do that in the microwave. So those are the things that I would get started. And then we just open up a couple cans of soup. Cheesy broccoli soup, and then either cream of broccoli or cream of celery, whichever one you can find. And then there's some cheddar cheese in there and some onion, either nice enough or just use the dried minced onion, which is super easy. And that's that. Those are the main things in there, a little salt and pepper and some cheddar cheese. Wonderful. And then we mix it all up and put it in that casserole and put it in the oven. Cracks. Exactly. We're going to mix the, noodles once they're cooked and drained with the tuna, the strains and then the broccoli, we're going to chop it up a little bit finer so that, you know, any of your kids who don't like a giant chunk of broccoli will hardly notice it. You can cut it up a little smaller, then mix it with those two cans of soup and, salt and pepper, cheese. Yeah. And then it just goes right into a casserole dish and bake it. And I have found that if we cover it with tinfoil once baking, the noodles don't get too crunchy and hard and they'll stay kind of soft. So that's what we'll do. And then we put chips on top of it, which makes it, you know, a family favorite. So you put the chips on before you begin. You bake it with the chips on it. Actually, we wait until it's all baked and we just put the chips on our individual servings. We found this by trial and error, because if you put all the chips on it, then when you microwave it later, you know, leftovers, the chips get all soggy. So we just reject the chips and the individual serving. And some of my kids like to add some hot sauce to, okay, so many pro chips in there with your aluminum foil and your your chips on individual portions so you don't have to microwave. So I love it. I can actually do that. In fact I've I've got my tuna, my noodles already boiled and okay, for anybody who is watching um.com for, for me because I know that my noodles got a little overcooked when I boiled them this morning. That's the reality of parenting. I looked away for what felt like a hot second to take something. They went over, so I know that they are. Please don't judge me. Don't come for me in the comments. But I going I get mixing with what I have here. Okay, so while I'm doing all of this, I'd love to know a little bit about kind of your journey. You know, especially with, like you said, you've got two biological children and then you've got two more through adoption. And I'd love for you to talk a little bit more about that adoption process and what that's like, because I know there's a lot of listeners out there that can probably relate, and it's a very different journey than, you know what? Maybe you're average Beaver Cleaver kind of would walk through. And so I'd love to know kind of your experience and what that was like for you and, and how you navigated that. Yeah. That's, that's a loaded question. Thank you for asking that. You know, my experience are two adoptions were two separate adoptions. So, four years apart. And I think one of the biggest challenges about adoption is that you don't know what time frame, like with my biological kids. You assume it's going to be like nine months of being pregnant. So you think, you know, you got that time frame of mind. So my biological kids were actually each born two months early, which had its own trials to it. And that was a very scary time. But our adoption processes were very undetermined amount of time. And there were a lot of moments where really we had done all the steps that we could do for the adoption. There's all this paperwork and all these documents you have to have, you know, you do your home study and there's a lot of boxes to check. And when you get done with all those boxes, it feels like now it should just happen. And, you know, you should be able to their parents in this child. And sometimes it happens fast. But in our situations it was very slow and just kind of trusting the process and waiting. And it was really hard for us. And then, you know, our family dynamics changes, like with any child that comes into your family, whether it's a biological child or through adoption or foster care, dynamics are always going to change when that happens. And one of the fears that we had going into adoption was, I remember my husband saying, like, I'm just worried that we're going to rock the boat because things are kind of settled out with our two children that we had in the home, like they're starting school. And, you know, we kind of had some rhythm and it just felt like, oh, do we really want to change the dynamics and add one more person to it? And of course, I'm glad that we did. But the book rocks are really are both of our family life really got rocked through our processes? Yeah. Can you tell me a little bit more for for you folks? How did you come to that decision, like you said, that, you know, if there's any of that kind of hey, we're we're kind of finding our footing maybe a little bit or at least finding what our normal looks like. Right. And then, like you said, to kind of come to that decision and, and say, you know, could I was about maybe but this is something that we really want. Can you talk to me a little bit more about kind of how you guys came to the decision? Yeah. And I think every family comes to it through their own means. But for us, my husband and I both, prior to even meeting each other, kind of felt called to adopt. And I don't know if that's part of our faith tradition. Just recognizing that God adopted us into his family and, you know, wanting to love on others. So it was kind of in our mindset, to consider it. And then I really think, practicality wise, had our biological pregnancies not been so challenging and, premature birth. And we were in the hospital with our preemies, for several weeks with each kid. That's a really scary time. And and kind of fun. Really easy. I might have skipped the idea of adopting because it's a lot easier in a lot of ways to have a biological child than to adopt, like the process is, is more predictable. There's I don't know, it's an answer. There's more in your control. There's always things out of our control, but the time frame is more predictable. So I think that that fact that we still wanted to grow our family and I wasn't really interested in, risking another premature baby, kind of encouraged us to take the chance. But also, there was just a strong belief that kids need parents. You know, kids really need parents in an orphanage system is not the same as being in a home. Like a permanent home where parents are going to love and care for them. Yeah. So that was kind of our pushing over the over the decision line. And like you said, I think that makes so much sense, especially if having, you know, experience, like you said, some some challenges just with the with your biological children and, you know, knowing kind of having that duality of I would like to have more, but that was a really scary place to be. And I can absolutely appreciate where they had me a lot of hesitations to kind of go back in there because you said you they were both premature. Did I hear you correctly? Yeah, yeah. They're 17 months apart in age and they were both two months early. But the, the second oldest, I, you know, like everyone had their pregnancy stories, but I went into labor at 24 weeks and then had to go on bedrest until she was born. And at that point, 30, almost 33 weeks she was born. So that's not a fun time. Yeah. And especially if that's kind of your your induction into kind of parenthood in your first experience, I imagine that's incredibly scary to kind of go through that. Yeah. But I'm so glad I'm, you know, I'm really glad all the pieces came the way they did. You know, we adopted our third child in our family. We adopted it, and then we decided to do it again. So we have, you know, four kids and boy, it's hard. It is hard to have multiple kids. You know, the different personality and the different ways that they interact. It's beautiful and chaotic and I wouldn't trade it, but quite like I don't think I expected parenting to be quite so hard when I, you know, was pre parenting. Yeah. Can you say a little bit more about that as far as like maybe what you had in your mind's eye and, and where did some of that construct for you come from. Yeah, that's a good question. I think I think my parents would agree with this, that I was a pretty easy kid to parents, and I was one of four kids. Okay. I think I was just like the rule follower, and I really didn't want to rock the boat. I just wanted to do what was right, you know? Yeah, just just get along and follow the rules. So I think I was a pretty easy kid, and I had both. I think I had the false idea that my kids would be pretty easy kids. And I know, you know, maybe I should have married someone who was more easy. Maybe I could blame that. I. But yeah, it definitely was more challenging. And then as we had different dynamics, you know, and our kids who joined our family through adoption, they had some trauma in their history and a lot of losses. That's one of the things about adoption is that, you know, we always picture the beautiful part of, you know, a family coming together. But before a family comes together through adoption, a family was lost or broken apart through some combination of circumstances and some traumas. And so, you know, every kid that, joins a family through adoption has experienced loss, whether they remember it or not. And that, even though we were prepared with, like, our adoption preparation stuff to understand, early life trauma and losses, I don't think I really had the concept that it would be as hard as it five. Can you say a little bit more about that? Yeah. So when our first adoption went through, that's a daughter went to her daughters and she was two when she joined our family. So she was fairly young, you know, a lot of a lot of brain formation and understanding of the world and how safe things are is already formed. A lot of that has been formed in those first two years. But I think we kind of take for granted with our biological kids and how we how crucial those time periods are, how much brain is forming. Yeah. So anyways, you know, we know that she experienced a lot of losses and didn't have the same attachments to us as kids who were born into our family. Totally was feeling prepared for that. But what we found is, when things were challenging was just either really big explosive behaviors, from our daughter or like retaliating kind of behaviors against siblings. Like, we have one family legends story called the Lego Massacre. We call it oh my goodness, tell me more. I know it sounds really dramatic, but so at the time our two daughters were four years apart in age. We're sharing a bedroom and we in order to kind of get the older daughter who was like a kindergartner at that point, a little space. They had bunk beds. And so the older daughter had the higher bunk bed, and she had some shelves up there where she could keep her special things that were like, just for her, that weren't to be shared. And that was really, really hard for the two year old who had just joined our family to have things that were off limits. And, you know, I think there was some struggle to share attention and all of that. Well, one day the two year old got up on this ladder and this is like not a normal bunk bed. Ladder was a pretty steep. It was a pretty high loft. And just this ruined Lego village. It was like all of this cute, like little Lego City things, you know, the ice cream parlors and, my five year old who kind of painstakingly created and was in her safe spot. And so she came in one day and it was just destroyed on her bed. Lego City, Lego City Massacre, and so things like that just added to the dynamics of some some sibling sibling dynamics and some resentments. And, it's just what I found is when behaviors came up in our home, like our child was having a big meltdown, which happened a lot. I just felt like the dominoes would fall in the house. And then like, child one is having a big meltdown and then another child gets upset about that, has their own meltdown. Another child has their opinions about how different children are being parents and and whether we're being firm enough or not. And then that child is having issues. I mean, I just felt like, everything kind of imploded when one child started struggling. Does that make sense? Yes, absolutely. And I'm so curious for you, especially in those moments when, like you said, there's there's lots of meltdowns that are happening, everyone struggling with really big things and what's going on for you as a parent and kind of in your mind. And how are you feeling or what are you feeling in those moments? Yeah. I mean, I think in our hardest season, our hardest kind of parenting year. And this is what tipped the scale to like, get some more help, really, and understand understanding our family. I think the hardest season, we just didn't know how to approach it. You know, my husband, I would talk to him about what was going on in the house. He was working long hours and he actually wasn't present for most of it. I felt like I was doing a lot of it or most of it alone. And then I would hear from him. Well, you know, you need to be firmer. You need to take things away. You need to have a bigger consequence. You know, you need to try this way. And I remember feeling like I'm trying all of the things. I'm trying to be firmer. I'm trying to be more connected. I'm trying to be, you know, more intentional with quality one on one time. I'm trying, but I'm trying to, like, remove special privileges to let them know that there are consequences. And pretty much all of the things I was trying were not working. So I felt really, really alone during that period of time. And I also remember just not even really talking some like my closest friends about it, because I felt embarrassed about the fact that we just could not figure it out, like I felt like we had. There was a time where I felt like I was living with a terrorist, you know? I just never knew. And another meltdown would come out. And then sometimes the meltdowns were physically like, attacking me or trying to hurt me when things were going wrong. And it just felt really embarrassing, like, how am I not able to figure this out? And hurt my kids? It was hard, and it was hard to be honest with people about how much we were struggling. Yeah. And you mentioned kind of this embarrassment and and I've heard that from, from so many parents. Can you say a little bit more for you? Kind of what was your brain trying to convince you of in those moments that if I did reach out to these people, if I didn't share it, like what? What was maybe the thoughts or thoughts that were coming up that was kind of leading, like you said, to some of that embarrassment or, or or feeling like that, that might be the case that I would feel embarrassed because ABC, I think part of it was that, I had the impression that people thought we were kind of perfect, you know, which maybe was just my impression. But, you know, from the outside looking in, it was like, oh, what a great family. You know, like, I think it looks perfect now because I was posting all the right things necessarily on social media, but people just, I thought had that impression. And so I think it fell hard to burst that bubble. Yeah. People know that it wasn't, you know, perfect. And I also I think that embarrassed because, you know, it wasn't my first time being a parent. This is my third child that, you know, things got rougher. Really actually, after our fourth adoption when my attention was that, well, our fourth child, second adoption attention was that much more divided, and my energy was that much lower, where I kind of really ran out of steam. But I felt like it should be an experience enough parents to be able to figure it out. So, like, I felt like I should be able to do this on my own. Like, this is parenting has been around forever and I should be able to do it on my own. But yeah, I don't think anyone ever told me I should feel that way. It just was a false, you know, a false narrative that I had. And I think that's something that I can absolutely relate to that, you know, I've even heard from other folks, like you said, that maybe it's not something that someone's directly kind of coming to you and saying you have to do it alone. However, somehow it's still is very pervasive kind of in our communities, in our society that that does leave so many parents, like you said, the kind of feeling I have to do this alone and I have to figure this out, which is, gosh, absolutely isolating, especially because these kids don't come with manuals like and each kid, you know, needs their own, their own thing. Right. What manual doesn't necessarily work for the other child? And so, you know, I can appreciate where, like you said, that maybe it's not someone directly saying that, but somehow it's getting out into the community that that's kind of almost an expectation. Yeah. And why is that? Because, you know, when you were saying that reason, I was just thinking about the scene that's out there. You know, we hear it all the time. It takes a village to raise a kid. Everyone's heard that saying, but I don't know that we really take that to hearts. You know, we don't really have a village necessarily. Yeah. And I think that's such a good point because I have heard that saying to and I think so much of it goes, you know, you go out and even though maybe some people aren't necessarily when your kids having that meltdown in the grocery store, I don't know if that's ever happened to you, I definitely have it has happened to me definitely has happened to me. Right. And, you know, there probably are some people in there that are not judging and are like, oh my goodness, you know, been there. I've seen that. I know how hard that is. At the same time, there are very much real things that people are sitting there, you know, giving you the look or muttering under their breath. And so, like you said, instead of offering that, hey, how can I, can I help you right now? Can I, like, grab your stuff so that you can go wrangle that that child that's like running out the door? That there is more often than not kind of just people kind of walking on by. And so I think, like you said, we're we're not necessarily taking that whole it takes a village to heart and demonstrating that I think kind of firsthand in our communities, at least that's my my personal opinion on it. Yeah. No, I think that's right. Like, you know, if we if we really had that village mentality, we would maybe have like our sister in the store as well, or our cousin or a grandma or someone who would be able to step in and like, maybe even provide practical help, you know, like in that moment. And so if we don't live in a community with all of our kin around which I don't, we have to kind of be more intentional about creating our community. And, you know, maybe it's not just biological family, but creating, you know, if you friendships where we are more transparent and real about the struggles and can even ask for some practical assistance when something comes up and I yeah, you mentioned a couple times in there practical assistance. Can you tell me a little bit more about why why you made sure to kind of clarify the type of resistance that. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think because like you said, you know, there's lots of books that we feel like we're getting from people. I remember I remember that in the church, you know, church in churches that were maybe less welcoming to busy actors, little kids in the pews. But we ended up looking for a different church because of that, because I just felt like we got stared at and like the mumbles and grumbles as I tried to, you know, ration out the goldfish crackers to keep my very active, you know, son with ADHD clients in the pew without making too much of a distraction. So that's not practical. Help. Now, when I think about time periods where I just felt like it was too much on my plate and I had a meltdown to manage, and I also had a child who needed to get to swim practice or something practical. Help me be someone that I could call and say, are you able to bring, you know, child one it's a swim practice. Will I manage what's going on here so they don't have to bring the meltdown with me in the car and, you know, take it with me to swim practice. That's I guess that's a that's picture of that practical. Like, who could actually step in and lend a hand and take something from another parent's shoulders? Yeah. I think that makes so much sense. Is that because I heard you mentioned, you know, you don't necessarily have for yourself maybe, kin that are kind of nearby. And so you mentioned kind of being intentional about building that community. That you could kind of turn to someone and like you said, ask for some of that practical assistance. Is that something that you have been able to find, or is that still a struggle that you're kind of navigating that? No, I definitely have found it. And I in one of my well, in that really tough parenting season, I realized I needed to be outside more, and I needed to keep my mental health in line by being more active, which is always something I had learned. It was hard to carve out the time for, so I ended up joining a women's running group. I honestly was not a runner like really did not care for running as exercise. I came to love it. I absolutely love running now. But I joined it really just to have something on my schedule that my family recognized as like a mom time away from the house and I could get outside and connect with some people. And so that group, provided a lot of outlets for me. But then as I got a little bit more, a lot more vulnerable about real life in the parenting world, you know, the good, there's lots of good things that are happening, but also the real struggles. That's when some very deep friendships forms. And it really came out of me being more transparent and honest about, quite honestly, the harder parts is what bring people together is sharing the honesty about the hard parts. Wow. And that's such a different kind of going back to what may be, you know, or community or society, whatever kind of perpetuates. So to have that opposite that in fact, when I did get vulnerable, it actually helped deepen my relationships. That's, that's just such a different maybe take on, on some of these things that do get talked about maybe a little bit more often of keeping some of that stuff inside or like so we don't talk about that. Yeah. No, I think you're right. And I think, you know, I would always say you have to be choosy. I'm sure you would tell people to like, get to be choosy about who you're going to share or to be vulnerable with. It can't be everyone. And I wouldn't necessarily think like social media platforms are the ideal place to be super vulnerable about all of that. You know, the tough stuff. But, you know, picking 1 or 2 friends to start with. And, I think people would be surprised if they lead with vulnerability with their own life, how their relationship deepens. Wow. Yeah. Was that a difficult place for you to get to, to allow, like you said, some of that vulnerability? Or was it like once you found kind of your people that kind of came more naturally? That really good question. I think for me, because we were meeting regularly for running and something about running, like I didn't think at the beginning it would be possible to have a conversation while you run five miles. You know, like, how can you be reading and having a conversation, but as you get better at it, that is totally what happens. And there's something soothing to the brain. And like the nervous system about having that repetitive movement running that makes it easier to talk about hard things, I think. And so instead of it being like, hey, let me unload all of these hard things on you and one, you know, our therapy session or something, and it's more of like a sprinkling of little challenges throughout various runs. And over that kind of sprinkling, of sharing a snapshot of some of the hard parts of our reality, along with the good parts that over time is what really created some friendships that made that. How is it that. Absolutely. And, you know, I think that makes tons of sense, especially because, you know, I'm when we are on that exercise piece, there are those kind of natural, happy, good, chemicals of those endorphins that are, are flowing through our body, which are important when, when creating some of that safety and security. You mentioned earlier kind of secure attachments and, the different attachments I was with, with your children and especially, those that are maybe coming, like you said, with, with their own trauma that, that those, can create some, some attachments, styles, if you will. And so part of creating some of that safety, like you said, is, is some of those safety signals, which I think that makes a ton of sense, that if you're already kind of in it and your brain's feeling good, and it's people like you said that maybe you've, you've met with there's you're getting safety signals from them. You're getting the safety signals, you know, that your brain is feeling a little bit more relaxed just in the seat of, you know, getting the running, getting the exercise, those extra endorphin booth where, like you said, maybe it does feel a little bit, maybe accessible in those moments, to, to get there and then like you said, that at that point because you're, you maybe have an outlet, it doesn't feel like I have to just like trauma dump all in one one. Right. But, you know, if there's kind of a and, maybe a consistency there that it does feel like. Yeah, you know, that's I'm able to kind of talk about, like you said, both of these things and see. Yeah, there is a lot of great stuff. There's a whole lot of hard stuff. And it's okay to talk about both. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I think you're right. I'm curious, can you talk a little bit more kind of going back to, some of that going along that line of the attachment you mentioned kind of each one of your, your kids that, change you. Yeah. It's option that they kind of have their own stories and their own traumas that they've encountered. And so what has been your experience now kind of looking out, zooming out, if you will? In kind of what helped you be able to show up and, support, support your children and working through some of those things that I think naturally, like you said, if they're coming from this, this experience that did cause some hurts and some pains, it's only natural that they probably do have some bags that they're coming into the family with. And so, you know, how did you find, that you were able to kind of work through that or things that were helpful? Yeah, that's a good question. I would say I had kind of when I got serious about figuring things out and getting some help, I had a multi-pronged approach. And I look when I look retrospectively at it, in the moments I don't think I felt like I had any approach, but I got caught from, a parent coach who was informed in trauma, and that was a very humbling experience for me to like, get that help, you know, to I really felt like by asking or seeking out that help, I was basically admitting to being a flawed or ineffectual parents. And that's not how I feel about it now. But it was challenging for me to to get that help. And then, one of the things that was like a first step, and it felt a little counterintuitive to me, because really, I wanted to like, solve the problems with our kids behaviors and their challenging interactions and explosiveness. I really wanted to, like, focus in on that. And I really had to be mindful of taking care of myself, my own self-care, which, you know, parents are preach that all the time. You know, self-care is not selfish. And, we hear it, but I don't know if it really sinks into our brains. It didn't sink into my brain when self-care was presented to me. But it was very important because I was finding with these repetitive experiences of feeling like I was walking on eggshells in my house. I wasn't sure which things would, I feel like I was stepping on a guy walking through a minefield. Like some steps would be just fine, and then other steps would release the explosion and I would have a huge tantrum or meltdown over something that seemed like insignificant, that over time really affected, like my nervous system. I would wake up feeling anxious and I started having like stress responses in my body like heart palpitations and, you know, like I twitches and things like that. I'm like, oh my gosh, my body is rebelling against me. It's like speaking the story of the stress that I was going through. So I had to be more intentional with taking care of myself. And I did that by just carving out really small chunks of time to be intentional with just pausing. And that's one of the things I have the parents about, is like eventually working up to having three small pauses in your day where you're just intentionally taking care of yourself and doing something that's either doing peace or energy. So it might just be like setting the timer for five minutes. 5 to 15 minutes of these pauses are very short and just looking out the window and watching birds, and that's it for for me, like I have what I call my pre-game plan, which is getting up before my kids and having coffee and doing my devotional time before my kids got up. And that just, like, helps me regulate my own nervous system and stress so that I could be at my best. When we interact. And so that was an important part of me kind of working through that time. And then really understanding trauma better is something that I had to do. Was you know, it's not it's not a matter of finding the right consequence for the challenging behavior. It's really about healing relational trauma through healthy relationships. So, taking the time to invest in in those relationships and then being able to let go of like the need to find the right consequence for everything, and that was that was a challenge. Can you say a little bit more about that if we could? Because I think that's such a, I think that's such an important point that I, I would love for you to to say a little bit more about. Yeah, I feel like my mind is going in so many directions right now. I try to, like, try to pull the reins back back into the conversation. Well, I don't I don't necessarily I grew up with great parents. I have tons of respect for my parents, but I think in general, as a culture, we kind of have this feeling. And there are some, parenting theories that are out there, and I won't name any of them that very much. You know, for this, it's like you gotta find the immediate right consequence for the action. The consequence has to fit the crime. And a lot of times life brings out its own consequence or its own result to it. And so we don't have to be the consequence wizard and find the right way to punish a negative behavior that better approach that I found, but it takes time and intentionality, is to look at what is that behavior communicating. So all behavior is communicating something. And so if I've got a kid who's been picking on siblings or being irrational, while I'm cooking dinner, I might have to put on like, my detective lens and figure out what else is going on with my head. What are they communicating? Maybe they're communicating that they're lonely. And so in that case, the consequence of like, go to your room and so you can behave isn't really going to help meet the root need of feeling lonely. In that case, I might have to find a creative way to bring that child into my circle and engage with that chance. They're not feeling so lonely and not looking for ways to get negative attention. So it's not just about finding the right consequence, which might not and probably doesn't hit the root issue that's causing the behavior. It's like zooming out a little bit more and figuring out what is my child communicating to me through this behavior, through this meltdown and how can I meet their needs? And it's not just about, you know, serving our kids in other ways and like being a doormat, but behaviors, communicating some unmet need or some kind of a skill or something that they don't have to be successful in that environment yet. So we either need to support them to be successful or we need to have them. We need. And that takes a lot more energy, I would say, but it pays off better. But it takes a lot more creativity than just go to your room or you lose your favorite toy or no ice cream for you. And I have to tell you that I do those things too, sometimes. Like, I'm just thinking about them now. I'm telling you this last week, my ten year old was having a very tough time finding good manners, and I remember sitting there thinking, brownies tonight, I just can't. I cannot do like, I'm not cutting the brownies and serving them today because I just don't feel it's like doing treats. So I'm not saying that I don't pull those out and they're right or wrong. I don't know. And I and I appreciate the normalization rate and hey, we've got our times do that even even you as a, as a coach that maybe you've gotten fluent in teaching others some of these things that life happens and that's the reality of it. And so I said, you know, it's it's not necessarily perfection because if we're trying to like go for perfection, we're probably just going to really be let down. Yeah, absolutely. And I think we have to give like I love that, you know, we can laugh about it and give ourselves grace. And you know, thinking about our village, it has been very helpful to me at times where I've, you know, called and left a message that's usually like a message for a friend saying, oh my gosh, I had a horrible mom moment and I lost it, you know, at so and so for doing this. And then she'll be like, oh, that's nothing. You know, you know, it's not like we're going to make light of all of our parenting mistakes. It's like, no, you're not alone. I also have had moments like that where, you know, just turned into a mad mom or, you know, what, my own lead and wasn't at my best. Yeah, absolutely. And I can absolutely relate to that kind of making light. I don't know how many times my, my spouse and I, you know, kind of joke, okay. That's going to be something that they're going to talk to a therapist about. Cool. You know, and so that's, that's when maybe that comes because I am a therapist, but I'm constantly I'm like, yep, okay, there's going to be a session about that one in their future. Cool. Yes. And so I, I wanted to kind of circle back because I think what you mentioned is, is just so important in that, you know, maybe that reframe, like you said, of figuring out what is it that, that you need that maybe isn't feeling in that moment and that they may not just have the words or even the insight and awareness because they're children, which works for a real mom, is that, you know, maybe that need is, like you said, I'm feeling lonely in this moment. And so if that's not something that they they learn how to put words to and to be able to figure out an alternative way to get that need that they're going to do, maybe what's just their brain goes, hey, let me try this. And if it is successful. So let's say let's let's break this Lego set and it gets me kind of parent coming over and talking to me because even though they're they're yelling at me, at least they came over. You know that that can the way that children's brains work is they're constantly figuring out, okay, if I do this, what's the result? And did that meet my need? Well, maybe not in its full capacity, but it didn't. So let me try it again. That's how I get that need met. And, And it can absolutely just, you know, fast forwarding so many of the couples that I work with where maybe, like you said, what's been what's been trained is that maybe I do need to. I'm feeling angry. And so when that would happen as a child, I would get sent to my room and I need to figure things out on my own. And so again, what they figure that out and they learn how to survive. Because survival is kind of an instinctual thing that our brain wants to do. And so then that becomes their habit. And that's where you get some of those relationship patterns as adults where they're like, I keep trying to talk to my partner and they just want to leave and they just keep withdrawing from me. Well, there is likely talk then that, hey, when I'm feeling really big emotions, the only way that I can I know how to handle them is to go away, is to withdraw. Yeah, that's a good point. No. And you said earlier, you know, which is so true. Like our kids don't come with manuals. And if they did, we would need a specific one for each child, which I happen. But I often tell parents, like, whether we know it or not, we kind of come into parenting with the blueprints, of parenting. And you know, that typically comes from our experience being parents and, you know, or with adults in our life. And so some of our blueprints might be awesome skills and some of our blueprint might be things that were like, oh my gosh, I just heard my parents in that, you know, way that I interacted with my kid. And I wish that I could erase that from my blueprint, which we can with time, you know? Yeah, if we can, we can be intentional with changing some of those patterns. But it's hard, you know, like that blueprint is kind of there's some hard wiring in there from being parents at ourselves. Oh yes, 100%. And I think that's a great piece to mention because I can't tell you the number of times I myself, I've heard from other parents where you do, like you said, maybe go into it going, well, this makes sense because like, that's what we've experienced. And so then we try it and then sometimes we see that reflected back and we're like, oh, maybe that wasn't what ought to have happened at the beginning, even for myself. And so now, like is it kind of figuring out even that rewiring and that repair and doing? I don't know how many times I've had that conversation that sometimes when you become a parent yourself, there's a lot of re parenting for yourself that ends up happening as well. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Okay. So as we wrap up, one of my questions and I love to ask folks, I'm a big back to the future. Yeah. So, if you had access to a Delorean and you could go back in time to an age or a period and offer yourself something not to change the future, but maybe offer yourself some words of kindness or offer yourself a hug. Where would you go back? And what would you offer yourself? Oh, that is a good question. This is. And I can picture it in my head at the very end when I go back to, I am well, the first thing that comes to mind, I'm sure there's lots of times I can go back to, but would probably be that really tough parenting season that I was talking to about, like before, before I was getting some support, before I was being honest or more transparent with friends. I would go back to that version of myself and definitely give her a hug and and maybe whisper in her ear to, you know, point her like myself in the direction of one of the people I have become really close to, you know, and just kind of nudge that along a little. Yeah. I love I love that and even just, like you said, a hug and just to whisper that, hey, this is this is maybe somebody you can trust and, that it's okay to to reach out to them. That. Yeah, that's a beautiful excuse that I love it. Okay. So I thank you so much for being willing to share this recipe. I've got I've got all my, my I've made one and a half casserole dishes, I had enough I think I had a lot of broccoli. But, so I thank you so much for being willing to kind of share this recipe. You share your story. And so this is the time my shameless plug. Anybody who would like to connect with you, hear more about your story or any services that you offer, please find a way to tell us where we can find you. Well, great. Well, what I love to do is supporting parents who are in those challenging seasons. So if that is you, I would just say you're not alone. That reach out to somebody, and get some support. But that is what I love to do about helping parents. So life touch coaching.com. That's my website life Touch coaching.com. And on there you can find all kinds of things. I do have my first book came out in 2023 is called Parenting Marathon The ten Step Guide to navigate Parenting Challenges. And so that book is really all about building our resilience as parents. It's a fast read. It's, a journal right in there. You get a chance to write your thoughts right into the book, but it gives us, as parents, ten steps to build our own resilience, to navigate whatever challenging season we're in. And so I got parenting marathon because parenting is a lot like running a marathon where it's not a sprint. So you have to look at the long game and you have to take care of yourself on the journey. You can't do it by yourself. So that's what the analogy is in there. But it's really, well equipped you for the current challenge you're in and then the future ones that will come up. I always tell people, you may not ever run an actual marathon, but if you're a parent, you will definitely experience. So that book is on my website. It's also on Amazon. My second book is designed for parents who are in the waiting process of an adoption, and that book is called The Great Waits. By time this time last year, the paperback will be available. Right now, the e-book is there, but it's ten action steps for you. Wait for your adoption. So that book is designed for those parents, like I described myself when we had all of the check boxes checked and the things done on our to do list, and yet we still had to wait. What do you do with that time? What do you do with it? And how do you find joy in the journey? And also prepare yourself and your family or the adoption that's coming into your family? So there's that. And then, through my business, I work with parents when I'm doing coaching, but I also have some, video and webinars and self-paced courses because really, I did that because in my busiest or hardest season, I didn't have time to meet one on one with somebody very often. There were so many fires I was putting out. And so being able to have, you know, someone that you can listen to, you, talk you through a certain topic, meltdown management. How do we manage meltdowns? What do we do in the moments, the heat of the moment? And what do we do in the calm times so we have fewer meltdowns and, peace classes. So all that you can find on my website. Nice touch coaching.com. Beautiful. And as always, folks, those will be linked in our show notes. So that resonates with you. Please make sure to pop down there. Check that out. That connected with all of these wonderful resources, books and courses and coaching. The DNA just shared with us, you know. Thank you again so much for, joining me today. And thank you, everyone for listening. And we will see you next time. If you or anyone that you know is struggling with any of the topics that we discussed in today's episode, make sure to check out our show notes for support and resources. If you can't get help. Thanks again for joining us on today's episode of The Real Family Eats. If you're a parent ready to share your real life parenting story, make sure to reach out to us and our website found in the show notes. And that goes for today's recipe social media's support and resources. All of that can be found in our show notes, so make sure to check them out and make sure to follow, like, share, subscribe, and stay up to date on all things the real family. I hope you'll join us next time for more food for thought and thoughtful food! Enjoy your eat!