Healing Generational Trauma Through Honesty Bubba Startz on Family, Failure, and Growth

In this episode of The Real Family Eats, host Reesa sits down with Bubba Startz to talk about his powerful life journey, unique parenting challenges, and his tried-and-true chili recipe. This candid conversation digs into real stories, tough choices, and the importance of honesty in family life.

Here’s what you’ll get in this episode:

• Bubba’s transition from welder to podcaster, songwriter, and dad
• The story behind Bubba’s “butt kicking” chili and how he makes it with local South Dakota beef
• Navigating blended families, custody battles, and the challenges of being a parent with a complicated past
• Bubba’s decision to confront his mistakes, including time in prison, and how it impacts his role as a father
• Why transparency, accountability, and “owning your story” matter—for yourself, your kids, and others

Tune in for practical advice, honest reflections, and a hearty recipe you can make at home.

Connect with Bubba Here:

https://thesceneprojects.com

The Scene Projects

Get Better Together Project

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Bubba's Butt Kickin' Chili Recipe

1 lb hamburger

1 can chili beans

1 can dark kidney beans

1 can light kidney beans

1 can diced tomatoes with green chiles

1 can stewed tomatoes

1 or 2 chopped HOT peppers (jalapeños/habaneros/chiles)

Season with salt, pepper, chili powder, paprika, cumin,

Add 1/2 cup of brown sugar if you like it sweet like my wife Danielle does.

Crockpot for 4 hours.

Serve with or without macaroni noodles and enjoy. 

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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!

Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!

For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/

If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988

Go to your local hospital or call 911

Transcript

0:00

Like if you don't go back and shine a light on it and you're not exploring your own demons and exposing those things, then you're never going to get yourself better. And if you're not better yourself, how are you ever going to be able to help anyone? Hey, everyone. Thanks for joining me. My name is Reesa, and I'm your host. We are talking to real families about real stories here on the real family eats, where we've got food for thought and thoughtful food. So let's eat. Welcome back everybody. Thanks so much for joining. I am so excited for our episode today because I have Bubba who is joining us. Thank you Bubba for being here. I am so excited to hear your story and your recipe. Well, thank you for letting me in your kitchen. Yes, absolutely. Welcome. So for anybody who doesn't know you. Can you introduce yourself for us? Well, my name is Bubba. Startz. I am a songwriter. I am a podcaster. I'm also a dad. I started the Scene Projects podcast network. Well, really in the last six months. But, last year I quit my job welding. I just couldn't work for somebody else anymore. And that set us on this whole crazy path of the podcasting world. And with, you know, everything kind of going as it is mainstream media kind of failing and all of us seeing that in real time, I realized that, being a musician, I've worked around radio and TV a lot and saw podcasting as the next evolution of what media is, so just set out to figure it out. Right. Let's figure this out and then beyond that, now we're starting coaching and things like that. But I am a I am a podcaster through and through and just really happy to to be here with you today. Wonderful. I love that so much. Okay. So before we get to your story, which I know, you know, you probably got stories for days and we could probably talk for hours. Tell us, so what recipe are you sharing with parents today and why did you choose this one? Well, I call it Bubba's, but chicken chili, it could have just as easily been my wife's name up there because we kind of work the same thing. But, we live here in South Dakota and it is cold, cold, cold in the wintertime. So chili is a staple for us. And, you know, probably twice a month sometimes in those cold months, just to be a nice, filling meal and be that comfort food. I love that. And I hear you saying, you know, South Dakota in cold, cold, I want to be completely honest with you. So I'm in Southern California. So our cold I mean it feels cold fast but realistically you'd probably be in but my husband loves a good chili, so it doesn't matter if it's 100 degrees outside. He's like, let's make some chili. So, so just to put that out there. So I love it. And so I'm excited. I haven't tried exactly this recipe. So tell us, what are all give me an overview of the steps and then I'll get mixing while we chat. Awesome. Well with any, South Dakota meal, the basis of that is going to be beef. We are we have more cattle in South Dakota than we do people. So, a lot of poor, beef producers, pork producers as well. But we actually have my wife's uncle raises cows and has a has a lot that he feeds them. And then her other uncle butchers them. So we're very fortunate to get, you know, a cow that we could have gone and named ourselves. I, I don't do that because that would be a little awkward, but, we have, you know, locally raised beef that we use pound, ground beef to start and browning that up is kind of the first step to everything. And then everything else just kind of comes out of a can. It goes right into the crock pot and it's super easy. So my my wife loves making it wonderful. Well I can put things in a pot. I, I can totally do that. So okay, I will get going. And while we're doing this, I'd love to kind of jump into your story because your parenting journey maybe doesn't quite look like every traditional, like you said, the Beaver Cleaver kind of story, which is what we're here to talk about. So I'd love for you to kind of start and tell us a little bit about your parenting journey. Some of the, some of the challenges that you've had to encounter and navigate in your, in your world. Well, I and I don't know that anyone has that leave it to Beaver family anymore, right? We live in an age of blended families and divorce and remarriage and step kids and step brothers and sisters and step parents, and that is kind of where our story, begins. My, my first son was born in 2012. His mother had already had a another child, so we were already kind of blended. And shortly after my son was born, we broke up. And I have been kind of in a custody battle with for visitation with him for the last 12 years. Wow. Now things are more settled than they were in the first six years of his life. But I went, a pretty good amount of time in the first six years of his life. Also, through choices of mine, I did a couple years in prison. I also spent a year in Mexico before that, because I didn't want to go to prison. So, you know, three years of my son's life, you know, that I was completely gone for. And the rest of that time, while I was seeing him sporadically, it was still just mired in court cases and appearances and all of that. So my relationship with my oldest boy is, is, I wouldn't say tenuous. Now, we've since I got out of prison and we've been reestablishing that relationship, it's been a lot better. But now he has two siblings that, are from another relationship that I'm also no longer in. And, those two kids are raised by my now current wife, and we, Yeah. So we've got three kids. All the kids have different DNA. Even my, my oldest, my adopted, my middle son, Mick. So he's not my blood, but he's been my son. I was with his mother before he was ever born. So, these are my legally adopted him when my my ex-wife and I got divorced. So I've had custody. Primary custody of my youngest. Two for the last, oh, to be seven years now. 2018. I got out of prison and, have had them full time in that, you know, a few short months out of prison, I met my my wife. We actually met. She was a correctional officer at the prison I was in, but, obviously didn't start dating there. This isn't one of those, loving lockup kind of situations, but we, got together shortly thereafter. I say she fell in love with the songwriter side of me, right? She. She came and saw our show when, when I was performing. And she's a big country music fan, so I think she fell in love with that, that guitar and that voice. And then she was kind of willing to deal with all the rest of the stuff because of that. And, yeah, it's been a lot, right? I mean, even just getting the backstory, you're like, oh, wow. There's there's a lot to unpack, right? There's there's meat there. Right. As you know, as, I mean, for sure, which I just want to pause, though, and the fact that it sounds like you found kind of the the key to her with your music, though, it sounds like it helps. Right? It helps to have a little bit of talent in your back pocket for those situations because honestly, there there was no reason. My wife is also ten years younger than me. She was 22, just graduated college. She had her whole life ahead of her, and I landed on her with an instant family of three, two kids that I just got primary custody of and one son that I was, you know, fighting to get back into his life. And she really took that out on. And I can't wait for the book that she writes, years down the road here, of how she took on this huge challenge and just has continued to shine through that. And, I mean, it's not perfect. We're not perfect people. It has been nothing but bumps and mountains to climb. And. Yeah, and, you know, a lot of, you know, a lot of screaming matches and a lot of having to, you know, understand each other, know. Because at the same time, while I respect what she took on, I also have to look at it like, well, you took this on though, right? Like you chose this. You knew what you were getting into. It's not like I came at you and was hiding all of these children. I was there and like, hey, this is this is what my life looks like. If you want to be a part of this, like, I love you, I would love to. But also I totally respect you if you want to go right, you're 22 and you have your whole. You could be anything you want to be. Why would you want to be, you know, married to, to a felon fresh out of prison, on parole, who has, you know, custody of a three and a two year old? I mean, my kids weren't even able to wipe their own butts when we got together. And then, as when I got out of prison, their mom kind of took that as a or, you know, they're their biological mother. My ex-wife decided that this was her ticket to freedom. And really, for the last five years, we've had almost zero contact with her. Besides, when we try to reach out. But now you get into a situation where my, my, my two children don't have any idea who this woman is, right? That they know that their mom, my wife, my current wife is mom, but that she didn't birth them. And, you know, so difficult conversations with, you know, eight, nine and 12 year olds to try to say, hey, we're we're not just going to tell you that everything's rosy and try to do this. Like, you come from a messy background, you know, especially for my younger two. Both of your parents are addicts, right? The both of your parents have done prison time. You're, you know, you're you're blond, your DNA. And, you know, we're not going to hide that from you. And I refuse to kind of hide my past from them and the story that I gave them. Now, fortunately, they were young enough where they don't remember dad not being around. They don't they don't have any of those memories. And even my son yesterday we were out for a walk, and my nine year old, you know, it was like, well, dad, we don't we don't need to talk about bad stuff, you know, because I was kind of sharing about jail and the different things. And I was like, look, buddy, like, it's not bad stuff, right? It's part of my story. It's just stuff, right? But it was part of our story. It's part of all of our story because I gave that to you. But I don't want you to have to deal with these things emotionally 20 years down the road, when your own life is a mess and you don't know why. Can I pause you there for a moment? Because I. I think that's such an interesting and change. You know, as far as just that mindset and that shift in perspective, because I find that, you know, there are a lot of parents out there where coming from a great place, a well-meaning place, I feel like I need to keep this from you. I need to protect you from from this message or from these bad things like you said. So I'm so curious, could you tell me more about, like, how did you make that shift or what? Maybe kind of gave you enough of that insight in that awareness to say, I yeah, I want to be honest with you, and I want to be kind of it sounds like transparent if I'm hearing correctly. Exactly. And and maybe it's a generational thing, right, where I think a lot of parents that are, you know, I'll be 39. Well, I'll already be 39 by the time this comes out. So I'm going to pretend I'm 39 already. Yeah. And it's just because we all know that we've kind of been lied to, right? We've all kind of been living in some crazy matrix and not to get political about it, but I think a lot of things over the last year have been exposed. I think a lot of what, you know, the mainstream media and just television and all of those things in general, like you like when you, you know, reference Leave It to Beaver, not that that show has been on the air and, you know, half a century, but, that, that life for most for I would say all people like nobody lives a life like they're sitcoms for a reason. It's it's entertainment that's not real. But I think that previous generations thought that maybe that was real. And then you start to look at yourself and go, but my life's a mess. Like, I don't want to share that with anyone. I don't want to be, you know, and to be seen from the outside as that, right, to be seen as a mess. But if you if everyone shares their stuff and you realize that, hey, everybody's messy, everybody is messy, then you start to feel a lot less alone. And I would just like to, you know, for me and for my children, like I was in Mexico, not in prison before I came back. But the reason I came back was for my children. My children didn't choose that life right now. If I was on my own and didn't have a wife and a child, and then another one on the way, I may have stayed there, right? Like, it would have been a totally different timeline for me. And I just find it so much easier to be honest about everything than to try and hide. What it really comes down to is that I'm a terrible liar. So to try and hide some massive secret that if you Google my name, you can go find out for yourself anyway, why would I? Why would I let my children grow up? And then they're 13 one day and have their phone and they look up their last name and they find all of this bad news that they knew nothing about. And then how would they ever trust me again? How would my children trust me if they found out all of this stuff about me that I've been carrying and never told them? And I guess as someone who, it probably stems from watching my parents relationship and knowing that, or not knowing, rather that their relationship wasn't great right until dad had a new girlfriend. But mom didn't want to leave home. And you go through three years of your high school career with your dad, bringing your mom and his lover to your games, right? Yeah. And the incessant bullying that that created for me in my high school career. I didn't ask for any of that. I didn't deserve any of that. So living through that as the child that, you know, my parents probably didn't have a great relationship for years before that happened, but because they weren't honest, maybe with each other and they weren't honest with those kids, it just kind of got dropped on me one day where mom's like, I'm leaving and took off with my two brothers and was only gone for a weekend because she couldn't stand to be without her. Her baby. Right? I'm the first born and the oldest in my family that she came back and then sat in that terrible situation and put herself through all of those things for me. Right. And now that's something that, like, I don't ever want to be in that situation on either side of it now. Right. And that's probably why my relationship with my oldest boys mother, where it was like, no, we're done, we're here. I'm not going through a terrible relationship just because we have a kid together. That's crazy. Yeah, we will figure this out, but we're going to figure it out together. And obviously, as you can tell by a 12 year long custody battle, I'm in court twice a year fighting just to see my son because she thinks that she can, you know. Oh, well, he doesn't have to contact. Is that her or whatever in her head? Not to get into her past or anything, but when you have when you have diagnosed mental health issues and you choose not to medicate or seek help for those at some point, it's not everyone else's fault. And that's kind of where we find ourselves. And and constantly returning to that. And boy, I've grown a lot just dealing with that one situation, right? Yeah. And it sounds like, if I'm hearing you correctly, too, having experienced it firsthand, I imagine that was a lot of pressure to kind of have as a child. Like my mom is sitting through this really awful situation and she's saying it's, you know, for me to just kind of, you know, I'm just I'm just imagining as a child to kind of have that weight on top of it, too. Is that right? Well, right. Well, and she would never she never said that. I just I know that's what it was. Okay. Right. I, she would never say that. And if my mother's watching this and it gives her some closure to that, that it's okay because my mom and I have never got to talk about this stuff after the fact, because it was all so terrible. And then she finally divorced my dad after I left for college. And I went to college five hours away on the other side of the state from where they were. And I just left. And then I ran away. I was gone for years. Right? No contact. This was kind of before I mean, cell phones were around, but it's not like it is today. We're talking 2004, 2005. And I just kind of disappeared. And then it went two years of drug addiction and alcohol abuse and all of these things, because I don't know how to process any of this stuff. Right. Any of this stuff that I've been burying because outwardly, all of us kids and dad and wife and other gal and whole two kids, everybody just had to pretend like it's okay when it's the most screwed up thing I've ever heard of in my life. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely right. And nobody admitting that and even years later, not admitting it is. When we talked about my other show, Get Better Together, that's kind of how that show came about, because I was like, I have to get this out of me. I have to get this out for me. And whether it's on the internet and a million people see it, or if it's on my computer in a file that sits there and doesn't get watched by anyone, I have to get it out of me. And that is what kind of led me on the path that I'm on now, where I'm like, oh no, we're going to share our stuff and you're not going to stop us. You gave this story to me. You know, these two people that made a choice that they were going to be together regardless of who it hurt. Okay, then I'm allowed to talk about that. I'm not talking out of turn. You gave me that story, and I want my kids to know that. Hey, I gave you this story, right? I gave you those first few years of your life where it wasn't great. I did that to you. I'm sorry. Right. But also that he's done nothing but work his tail off to give you a better life since he got out of prison. Right? The decision to come back from Mexico, knowing full well that as soon as I got to the border, I'm going into handcuffs and I'm going away for up to 15 years, was the charges I was facing. Now I only ended up doing just over two years total, but that was also because of choices that I made, choices I made in prison to get time cut off and choices that I made to, you know, pursue a better life for myself. After that. This is the story I'm giving to you now, right? So yeah, heavy conversation today here. We actually go back to that though, that decision, because I hear you saying, you know, you when you left, kids were already in the picture. And so I'm curious for you like what was going on. What was your thought process. Could you walk us through kind of what how did you come to that decision to say, I'm coming back? I know full well what's expected of me the minute I hit, you know, my feet on the ground on the other side. But that you made that decision. How did you come to that decision? Was it an easy process? Can you walk us through that a little bit? Well, and it wasn't with my first child, right. It or it wasn't with Mick, who was born in Mexico. Right? Right. When we crossed the border, headed south, obviously knew that, my wife at the time was pregnant and that this child was most likely going to be born in Mexico. We had no idea what that was going to look like. Thank God for the Mexican government and and all these beautiful people down there that took care of us. Because I was a drug addict, I had just been arrested and let out because I was selling a lot of pot. I know for California, that's not a big deal. But for South Dakota, they kind of frowned upon it. And I was like, screw you. I'm not going to jail for weed. This is crazy. I'm going to Mexico. And then once I said it, I had to live it because I don't want to be a liar. And and yeah, it just so happened that my wife at the time, that she knew someone down there, she had lived, she had grown up in Arizona and, who she calls, you know, her uncle and, he hadn't they hadn't seen each other in years. But when she called, he answered and said, yeah, our family has a space for you. Come on down. And, they kind of made sure that we were taken care of for a full year. But it was it was over the course of that year where it's like, this isn't your life, right? Like, yes, you can live here, but this isn't the life that you're supposed to be living. It's definitely not the life that your children are supposed to be living. And then when. So my oldest or my middle boy, he was born in 2015, and then shortly after he was born, got pregnant again. And it was at that time where, knowing what we had gone through with the first pregnancy and everything that we're not raising. So, I mean, we were living in a place with dirt floors like it was very third world Mexico. We weren't in Cancun. Right? Like, yeah, we were in Hidalgo. The state would all go to Mexico where they don't even see white people, right? Like we were unicorns. And then I'm down on the square playing Hotel California on there, like, where'd you get the gringo? We like this guy. Well, it's going, oh, is El Gringo? They do one single. That was my stage name. Really? Yeah. Okay. And I loved it. Right. And maybe on a different time line. Had I landed there at 19, 20 years old, I may have never come back. I have such a love for the country of Mexico, for the for the Mexican people. And for those families that took us in and fed us and housed us and clothed us and did all of the things for us, and it was really looking around and going, these people have nothing, and they are giving freely of themselves to us just to keep us alive. Well, I, I owe it to them to go back because they're all wanting to go to America. Right? They're all down there going like, what are you doing here? Why why would you be here? Right? And I'm like, well, my life wasn't really that great up there. And then I'm facing, you know, prison time. It was just going to get worse. But yeah, it humbled me, right. And being humbled, I was able to look at the situation and go, you owe it not only to yourself and your kids, but to all of these people that would honestly do anything to have the opportunity that you have to go back. And even if I bet if you offered a lot of people the chance to go back and to sit in prison for two years. But when you get out, you're an American citizen and you can go work and make money in America. I bet a lot of people would take that. So when you put it in that context, you're like, don't you need to go do what you need to do? And it's not easy to make that decision to say, I'm going to go out and give up and you know, of what, one year to 15? Well, I don't I didn't know how long it was going to be. I hadn't been through any kind of court or been offered a deal. It was just you're going away for an indeterminate amount of time once you cross that border. And it was a big, big decision, right? Yeah, absolutely. And I can only imagine then, you know, that that battle of like you said, really, it sounds like recognizing your privilege and having some of that humility at the same time, knowing, like you said, that if I go in, you know, I'm going to be physically separated, too, from my family and from these children and kind of having those two things kind of coexist at the same time. I imagine it wasn't just a walk in the park, if that's a fair. And it's probably something that I'm still processing. Right. Because it was such a large decision that had, you know, ramifications for generations, possibly. Right. You know, we could have stayed there. It could have been different, but not like things were real good there during Covid either. Right? We could have been there. I just came back in 20, you know, 2016. You know, it wasn't that big of a gap of time before the whole world got turned over on its head. How much I wonder what our life would have been in that situation. And and obviously in 2016 when I'm, you know, coming back across the border, I'm not thinking about any of that. Right. But I'm thinking about these two children now, and having already lived through what I lived through and going, you're going to give them a messed up story. You're giving this life to them. And how dare you, knowing what you've been through, that you would do that to them. They didn't choose this. You need to do what you need to do to build that better life for your kids and to give them a chance. The same opportunity that you had. And yeah, it just is. And that's what keeps you going, right? Every day. For two years, my daughter was actually born the day I got moved from jail to prison. Right. You know, not being there to see that, seeing her for the first time, my my youngest daughter, through the glass, at the jail. Right. And talking to them over the phone while I'm in prison. Didn't get a visit from them the entire time, because during that time, my my now ex-wife, you know, had decided she was just going to move on with her life. Right. And and I'm not waiting 2 or 3 years for you to get out and to do this. You know, she had another child while I was in prison that was born. So, you know, just a few months before I got out. So it was obvious that I was coming out and moving into a completely different life. And we had no idea it was just the unknown. And I think so many people can be so afraid of that, that they get paralyzed, that unknown. And yeah, for me, it was the known commodity. It was the known that if we stayed there, life. I had no idea what it was going to look like, but it wasn't going to be what it would be if they were in the United States. Yeah. That's there. How could you talk a little bit more about how you were able to get to that decision to to own your piece? Because I heard you mention a couple times like that, it sounds like you were kind of really intentionally taking stock of your contributions to your children's lives. Some of you know, some of the choices that you made and how it's impacting their lives. Because I feel like so many times that idea of owning it and and essentially owning it to your children, which I feel like sometimes parents go that that feels like, well, I'm the parent. I should be kind of in a position of power. And they feel like if I own something like that, if I kind of take responsibility and even come to them. I heard you mention, you know, they at one point you would even, you know, apologize to your kids, that that takes a lot. I feel like that's a really scary thing for people to do, especially towards children. And so I'm curious, like for you, how did you come to that decision to own it? I mean, and to, to be willing to get vulnerable enough to go into it? I, I mean, the therapy that you receive in prison helps, right? Just dealing with my own past and digging into that and going, well, what what hurt you? Right. What what? And all of it was kind of drug and alcohol related, right? They're they're trying to heal you. So I'm doing this, but really, it was like, I only like, I don't have an addiction to drugs. I just don't want to feel crappy. Right? Yeah. I'm using because I didn't have, like, a drug of choice or like, I didn't care whatever you were going to give me to numb that whatever or to push and suppress those thoughts that I'm having and those feelings give it to me. I was all about it. Right? So, so variety in prison and then working some steps and digging into some therapy and just going, yeah, I don't want I don't want any of that. I never wanted any of that. I didn't want the story that my dad gave to me. Yeah. And then you look at yourself in the mirror as a father and go, hey, your kids didn't want it either. But. So it was dealing with that, looking in the mirror and going, hey, man, you're not going to be able to hide this, obviously. Especially you're my kids are going to grow up in the internet era. They're going to know who their dad is. And that the fact that I have an older boy with a mother who hates my guts, that was you know what I mean? She was going to share it with him, and then he's going to tell him, like, I didn't want it to come from anyone else, right? If I hear it, you're going to hear it from me. Because how else will you trust me and do all the things that I say? If you think I'm a liar. Yeah. And it's kind of as simple as that. I know, I know, it sounds really good. The what's difficult is looking yourself in the mirror and going, yeah, you're not going to be a liar. You're going to take accountability for this, and you're just going to go live it, and it's not going to make you a worse person to do that. It's not. In fact, what we're finding now is that it's actually helping other people to own it yourself and to admit those things to the world, to put it out there for the world and to go, hey, I'm messy, but I'm also here. And if I can get here and I can live through all of this stuff that I've lived through, then you can do anything. And I come on here and if I'm going to be on my own podcast, I'm going to be telling all these stories and I'm going to have people look to me where I want people to look at me as an authority or as a leader and whatever, you know, thing that we're pursuing, then I have to be real. I can't show up. And then, oh, I got all these skeletons in my closet, right? Like I'm not. I just can't do that. And maybe I'm a product of our generation. Maybe I'm only a product of my own experience. But what I'm finding in the world right now, especially in this podcasting universe, is that, no, the whole world is just ready for some real talk. Like we're all we're all messed up. We all been through a lot, you know? I mean, just think of it as, you know, think of the last five years on the global scale, just being a human being. We've all been through a lot of crap. And when we're all just kind of opening our eyes and realizing that like, oh, we went through this big collective thing together and now it's okay to acknowledge all the little stuff that we've been through to and those things that hurt us. Because I feel like if you don't acknowledge those that you're never going to get better. Like if you don't go back and shine a light on it and you're not exploring your own demons and exposing those things, then you're never going to get yourself better. And if you're not better yourself, how are you ever going to be able to help anyone? And you know, like we're talking about today is on a much smaller, you know, the family level. But I'm out here in podcasting trying to be somebody to a lot of other people. Right. I don't want anyone to feel like they're getting some false, some fakeness from me. I'm as real as it gets from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep again and then repeat it every single day. And I think that that accountability starts here, right? It starts with you, starts with me. And it's it's not something that's going to go away. These problems aren't going to go. Those traumas, those they're not going anywhere. Right. They are they are with us. They will. And we know now from research being done that, you know, they will, they will express themselves as physical maladies if you don't take care of it. Right. Yeah. So, getting better here and here first. Right? Right. Right inside your own heart. That's the first key. And then you can go out and you can heal your family, and then you can heal your community, and then you can heal the world. So that's really the mission that I'm on. And it starts, like you said, right here at home. And I know a few. It was really just a couple of easy decisions. I'm going to go back and pay the piper, right? I'm gonna go back and face this. I don't know exactly what's out there, but I know I'm probably going away. Well, I would rather go away now while my son is 1 or 2 and my daughter is now born. And then to have no memory of that part of their life themselves and me being able to share that with them later rather than wait until they've been living in Mexico for what am I? What are you going to do? What are you. You're going to live in Mexico for 6 or 7 years and not knowing what's going to happen down there, and then you're going to bring your kids back who have been, Mexican residents, and now you're going to bring them back to the UK. Like it just didn't make sense, right? Like the longer I'm waiting this out of my head is like, okay, you had your fun. You did what you said you were going to do. You went to Mexico, but brother, you got you got to own it and you got to go back there and deal with it. These kids and ask for this. Yeah. What I love about what you said. And I think you're so spot on in the sense that, you know, on paper when you're talking about it, that they are kind of easy decisions to make in the sense that it is kind of you taking a look in the mirror. And the mirror is right there. You're right there. It's not like you're needing necessarily whole leaps and bounds to to do it. And I think what's also so important though, is that I always use the analogy, you know, there's like finger class so you can have your kids and you put your fingers on either side, and then the instinct, right is to pull away. And I feel like that's such a good representation of many people's instincts is when you go into something that's a little bit sticky, that's a little bit difficult. The instinct often times is like, let me pull away from this, let me get away as far and as fast as possible. But just like this finger across, when you do that, it just gets tighter and you're still carrying it around. So maybe, you know, you can't see it. You know, it's not right at the top of mind or in the forefront, but it's still there. It's still kind of fuzed to you. And up until you make the decision to kind of come towards it, which you know that. So you get have those finger classes, you have to come a little bit closer to the end of the other finger that that's when, like you said, we're able to kind of consciously, intentionally make those decisions, to look at ourselves in the mirror and to start making different choices, and that it is just like a one day at a time, a constant minute decision to continue to make those choices. If I'm if I'm hearing you correctly. Totally. Yeah. And it's just choices, right? Choices got me into that mess. Yeah. Choices got me out. And I just had to start making better choices. Right. And I think as parents, we're we're all very aware that the choices we make have effects on our children, where maybe, you know, my own father wasn't aware of that, right? And wasn't aware that the choices that you're making right now to do these things or whatever, or even my mother's choice and not to put any blame on her, but her choice to come back into stay and to live through that situation not only as herself, but not giving us children and out. If mom would have left. And granted, I didn't storm out the door with her. Maybe after being gone for a few months because she wasn't sharing. Hey, I'm leaving your father right? She wasn't having a conversation with me. She's just like, I'm going to auntie's house. And I'm like, screw you, man. Like, we just. We just moved from there to out here. I just finally made all these friends. And now you want to drag me right back to there, and I got to do like, no, I didn't, I was 12. No, I want to do that again. But I'm 12 and you're not being fully honest with me. If you would have explained everything or had just stayed gone, maybe at some point I come around, right? But that that wasn't the life that I got. Right. And it wasn't because of my own choosing. Yeah. And how dare I then do that to my own children, right. Like this. Yeah. Accountability is how we break general generational curses, right? Taking your trauma. Yes. For sure. And I think that's so important because like you said, we even it's those choices. But even not making a choice in itself is making a choice to not make a choice. And I think that's sometimes where people are like, oh, well, I didn't decide. Well, you know, by not making a choice, we are still making a choice, even if maybe you're not quite ready to to own it. Like you said, it's still a choice. Yeah. And accountability is hard, right. And and for me, you know, one of the life changing moments when I was in prison was, so I had kind of gotten I had charges out of multiple counties, so they sent me to jail here. I was there for four months, kind of going through trial and all of that. And so not trial, but just court and, you know, finally took a deal. And I thought I was going from the one county to the other one. Well, they loaded me up and sent me to prison. And I was like, hey, like, I just came from over there and like, why didn't you just take me there? Oh, that's not all. We're going to we're going to wait for you to get out. And then you're. And I was like, no, that's why would you do that? That doesn't make any sense. So I had to write letters to the DA's and all these people to get them to move my stuff along. Well, when I got to the other county, they're like, hey, we got a deal worked out with the attorneys you're going to do, you're out, y'all. I was getting out in April of this was like 2017. I was like, sweet, let's go. And then got to sentencing. And the judge is just like, yeah, no one no, no. He's like, you sold 100 pounds of pot over the course of the last year in my county. You can go screw yourself, big guy. And and, you're going to prison for a while, and he sentence me to, like, six years or something with a little bit suspended. So I'm walking in to this courtroom that day, like, go give him the little spiel. And, you know, I accept responsibility for my actions. Da da dah. See you in April. And, yeah. Then you get a date. That's three more years out in the future with none of the time I didn't get credit for any of the eight months I had already been in from this judge. So all that time that I just spent was worth absolutely nothing. Was worth nothing now. And it was that, humbled again. Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. I've never had my heart sink like that. And it it made me commit even harder at that point. And thank God that I did right, because I would have never changed my ways. I would have never met my wife, because she wasn't, you know, it would have it would have changed my entire timeline. Right. So I don't I don't begrudge the judge for what he did. I don't begrudge the attorneys for, you know, kind of being that I ended up getting a sentence modification, which shortened the back end of my sentence a little bit because I got a new judge. Thank God that other one had retired. But I was already doing things to better my life. And, you know, the new judge with the new attorney was able to see that and to give me a little bit of, of grace, which, I didn't get, you know, it's not God's grace that I got. It was human grace that said, hey, buddy, we see you. You're doing the right things. Now. We're going to we're going to give you another year of spending with your kids to you and talk about a gift. Wow. Yeah. And speaking of that, I know you mentioned, that like your daughter, that you weren't you didn't get to be present for some of those. And I imagine there were milestones that you missed in, in your kid's life. And I would love to know if, if you're okay, kind of chatting about the dad side of things, of what it's like when you miss those things, like what's what's the thought process, what was going on for you in those moments when when you're kind of missing out on some of those things? Yeah. I haven't seen, I didn't see any of my kids take their first steps. Right. Yeah, I, I didn't I, I missed all of that. I missed all of that. That baby time holding them. My my middle boy. Which is funny because biologically, he's not. I mean, he's my son, I will never we don't talk like that here. All of the kids know that. They're half brothers and sisters and that, you know, blood isn't what makes us family, right? Yeah. It has nothing. Nothing to do with it. It's. It's a little bit of genetic code. It's all good. We're family because we're committed to each other. Right. And. And my wife is your mother because she committed at 22 years old to raising you kids. Yeah. Yeah. That's, you know. Yeah, yeah, it's going to eat at me my whole life. And, and I think I thank God that I have an opportunity with my current wife that, you know, we've obviously talked about children in our future. She's going to school right now and our life is a little crazy. But a few years from now when we're talking about, you know, not starting another family, but adding to this family and adding our, our own child and thinking about finally getting to be and have that that, you know, the leave it to Beaver family moment, right where maybe all of that was gone. And it's not that it's going to be perfect, but that we're able to bring this child into this world together and and to kind of experience what so many other people experience with their first child. Right. Because it will be my wife's first, you know, physically, her whole blood and just seeing her with our cat, who we got, back in October, she's going to be such a good mom. Right. So. And not that she's not a good mom to our kids, but it's just it's different. And seeing her with the cat was like, oh, you're different. Seeing her with her nieces is you're going to be different with our own child, and I'm going to be different. All of my children that we have now, these three were all born under duress, under stress, under all of these really bad situations. And that I we're building a life now to where, you know, our youngest child, we'll probably have more than one more to. I told her our luck is we'll talk about having one more, and then you'll have triplets or something crazy like. But, you know that building a life that's conducive to this child having a blessed and the perfect life, right? Not that it's perfect by any means, but closer to what most other kids get to grow up in than what your current children have been raised in. Yeah. Wow. Okay, so as we as we close, one of the questions I love to ask my guests and hopefully, are you familiar with back to the future? You back to the future, kid? Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. So it seems as if you had access to a Delorean. Is there a particular age that you would want to go back to for yourself and offer yourself not to change things, but offer yourself some words, or maybe even just a hug? What age would you go back to and what would you offer to so little Baba? You're going to make it. I know, I know, it hurts, right? And I would have to go back to sometime between 1314 years old when everything with my dad and his new lover, current wife, they're still together, so we get to relive that all the time. That's really fun. And to just be like, you're going to make it right. You're it's going to be okay. And and not that it's going to be easy. It's going to suck. And that's okay. Yeah. You know, that's okay because it's going to make you it's going to make you someone who can, can pull other people out from their own stuff. And to give some perspective and honestly, the life that I've lived is made me into the podcaster that I am now. The reason I'm good at what I do is because, one I'm unafraid to share about myself, which gets other people to open up right and to. I've got more perspective than you could probably have an entire gym full of people that couldn't give you all the different perspectives that I'm able to twist around and to relate to people. So yeah, buddy, it's going to suck. It's not going to be easy. You probably don't need to do as many drugs as you're going to do, but you're going to make it. And I think having made it that that's still the same fuel that gets me up every day is that we're making it, and now we get to be a beacon and a lighthouse for other people that are inevitably going through. Maybe not my same situation, but going through their own stuff. And they feel alone right now, and they feel like it's never going to end and it's never going to get better. And I want to be the person that goes it will it, it will. And I'm not comparing my my trauma to your trauma, but it does get better. But it starts with personal accountability. It starts inside of you to say, I'm going to make better choices. Yes, these things happened to me. What now? Yeah, I love that. Gosh. Okay. Bye bye. Thank you so much for being willing to to join us, to chat with us. So, so really and and unfiltered really isn't really a word, but we're I'm going to make it one. And I'm so excited. So I've got all my stuff and my crock pot and it's all mixed up. How long do you normally let this do you for? So we usually crank it on high to let it get cooking for like two hours, and then we'll sort of down the low and let that thing simmer for another, you know, three, four hours so that it's ready for supper. I'm always dipping in for a little lunch. We'll usually get it going in the morning. So as soon as it's warm. My wife likes it with noodles. She grew up where they put macaroni noodles in, so I prefer my chili with cheese and just in a bowl and maybe with some crackers or chips. So I'm always dipping in early and grabbing a bowl for lunch. But then by supper time, you it's just, And then it's even better on day two. Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm. I will have it. It will be simmering all day. I'm sure it'll fill the house with lots of yummy smells. So excited for anybody who is interested in connecting with you and, any services that you're wanting to to plug, this is our shameless plug section, so please plug away. I feel like the whole episode was a shameless plug. I have, I have the same the same projects as my podcast network. We are empowering creators to do more of that. We're trying to figure out the business side for podcasters so that they don't have to worry about, you know, if they want to turn it into something, that's a true business and not just a hobby, that we can provide some framework for that. You can find all the information at the Scene projects.com. I know it's on the screen on how to spell everything. There. And yeah, just start there, join the email list and get into our world. And then from there you'll get introduced to some of my music. We didn't talk about much about my music career besides being the gringo, but, yeah, you'll find out more about me and more about, you know, what we're doing. And what we're going to continue to do. We do all kinds of live events during the year. How I started podcasting was to support my music community. So you'll find a lot of interviews with independent music artists, but also now a lot of podcasters and other business owners and really just anyone that I find, you know, interesting or anybody that's got some skeletons in their closet they're trying to clear out. They can come on. One of our shows we mentioned Get Better Together project. That's why it's the same projects is because each one is similar to this show, is a project of its own, and each one kind of serves a different purpose. And but we're just trying to trying to pull back the veil. Right. You know, people, especially in our generation, and that's most of our listeners are in that 25 to 44 range. You know, we've all been through a lot. You've been through a lot. And we just want to be able to to give you a safe space to talk about it and to hopefully walk away feeling a little bit better than you. Did. You know, an hour ago. Wonderful. I love that, and as always, everyone will have all of those links down in our show notes to check that out. Thank you again for being willing to come on to chat with me today. I so appreciate it and thank you everyone for tuning in. Make sure to come back next time. We'll see you then. If you or anyone that you know is struggling with any of the topics that we discussed in today's episode, make sure to check out our show notes for support and resources. You can get help. Thanks again for joining us on today's episode of The Real Family Eats. If you're a parent ready to share your real life parenting story, make sure to reach out to us and our website found in the show notes. And that goes for today's recipe social media's support and resources. All of that can be found in our show notes, so make sure to check them out and make sure to follow, like, share, subscribe, and stay up to date on all things the real family. I hope you'll join us next time for more food for thought and thoughtful food. Enjoy your eat!