How to Break Free from Toxic Relationship Patterns: Find Healthy Love with Julie + Mexican Rice

Are we doomed to repeat the relationship patterns we grew up with? Julie Cobos Hernández, mom of three and nurse, opens up about her journey of breaking free from chaotic relationship cycles and learning to build healthier, more fulfilling connections.

In this raw and eye-opening conversation with Reesa Morala, LMFT, Julie shares the steps she took to unlearn toxic relationship dynamics, heal from past trauma, and prioritize her mental health and emotional well-being—not just for herself, but for her children, too.

🍚 Plus! She shares her beloved family recipe for authentic Mexican Rice—because healing happens at the dinner table, too.

🌱 If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in unhealthy relationships or struggling to break generational patterns, this episode is for you. 🌱

📌 Save this episode to revisit when you need a reminder that change is possible.

💬 Have you worked to break a generational cycle? Share your experience in the comments!

Social media: Julie Hernandez

Credible Mind: https://crediblemind.com/

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Authentic Mexican Rice

Credit: https://stellanspice.com/authentic-mexican-rice/

INGREDIENTS:

1 1/2 cups Mahatma® Rice Extra Long Grain White Rice

3 tbsp neutral oil

1/4 onion , diced

1 garlic clove, crushed

1 tbsp Knorr chicken bouillon

1/2 tsp garlic powder

2 roma tomatoes, (makes 8 oz tomato juice)

2 cups hot water

1/4 tsp salt, or to taste

3 sprigs cilantro

1 jalapeno

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Full instructions on link above. 

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Disclaimer: 

Please note that the content shared on this podcast/YouTube channel is for informational purposes only and does not replace professional therapy or mental health services.

If you are facing a crisis, seek immediate help through emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

The opinions expressed by contributors are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of the platform.

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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a couples counselor for parents providing therapy in person in Murrieta, CA and virtual couples therapy in California. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!

Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!

For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com

If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988

Go to your local hospital or call 911

Transcript

0:00

I sought out men that were, you know, emotionally unavailable because when they did give me attention, it was like, woah, you know, that dopamine in my brain was like, yes. That’s what we want. Hey everyone. Thanks for joining me. My name is Reesa and I'm your host. We are talking to real families about real stories here on The Real Family Eats, where we've got food for thought and thoughtful food. So let's eat, Hey, everyone, thank you for joining us today. I have the lovely Julie back again, interviewing with us today. And I'm so very, very grateful. And I see you back again because to be real, we had some technical difficulties last time, and Julie was gracious enough to be able to come back and let us try this one more time. So. Hi, Julie. Thank you again for coming back. No problem, no problem. I understand. Well, Julie, for anybody who doesn't know you like I do, you can introduce yourself for us. Yeah, sure. My name's Julie Hernandez. I'm 39 years old. Mother of three. Cat mom of three. And, I've been a nurse for about over a decade. But I have a lot of different hats that I've worn in prior to that. Yeah. And a a full house with six little things that you’re taking care of all the time. Just non-stop all the time, I imagine so. And so before we kind of jump into your story and your recipe, which I'm super excited about, is there any, socials that you want to share with us or any resources for our shameless plug section that you want to share to our audience? Yeah, sure. So I, I'm just, you know, a normal person on social media, so you can always reach me if you have any questions or, you know, just want to chit chat. So, Julie Hernandez pretty much, well, social platforms, but, one plug that I do want to place is called Credible Minds. Credible Mediacom. They do a lot of prevention and early intervention on mental services. We through my work, we have that platform attached to our website, but you can reach them through credible mind from anywhere. Awesome. And so through your work, what are some of the ways that you partner with them? How do they help out? So we have we have them placed on our website. And we also because we deal directly with the community on many different issues, you know, first come the news, right? We deal with them first the needs and then we kind of throw in there. By the way, we have this resource on our website. It's also a free resource. So we just kind of throw that in there. So it's very helpful for our community who's uninsured or underinsured, which, you know, it's very hard to get mental health resources sometimes. So just kind of letting them know you can reach it through, our website or online and it's free for anyone. Wonderful. That's such an awesome resource because you're absolutely right. And that that spans just the whole country, right, of maybe, limited resources and being able to kind of get connected in that way, especially for our underserved populations. Yeah. So I love it. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. And folks. As always, we'll make sure that everything is linked in our show notes so you can find all of those resources, as well as the socials down below. So check that out. Okay. Julie. So what recipe are you teaching us today and why did you choose this one? So today's Mexican rice. Some people call it the red Mexican rice. But it's just one of those staples in a Mexican household. Or, and, you know, that I grew up in. So it just brings back a lot of, you know, honest sounds and a lot of nice childhood feelings. And it's really easy to make and it's very inexpensive to me. So it's just something you can add on to just about anything. Yeah. And I just want to plug that in except for an expensive piece of it because, I normally take my kids with me to grocery shop as well. And we like, you know, to keep them engaged because that that's what works best for our house. We do like a guessing game of, you know, what is my total going to be? And they weren't blown away by the the smaller number. You know, we were under$10 when we were buying all of this. And so they were just like, really? That's. Yeah. So you know. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. So I would echo that absolutely kind of more on the economical side. So that's really awesome. Okay. So tell me what the steps are for this and I'll get things going while we chat. For sure. I mean, so it depends. You can make your own house, you can buy sauce, you can blend it. So what I did was blend tomatoes, onions together with some water. You can add some salt and seasoning and then you blend it together. Or you can just put tomatoes and then it's really up to you. Just kind of depends on preference really. And when you do that yeah you aren't ready and you're kind of getting everything else right. You're pan your rice okay. Perfect. So should I saute kind of the onions in here in the pan first. You can do something. You can do. Yeah. I prefer to saute onions. It just brings the flavor a little bit. Yeah. Okay. Perfect. And then once I've got that all and then I, then I use my sauce, to put my rice in first and kind of get that toasty. So yeah. You want to actually you want to brown your rice a little bit. You just kind of want to stir it with the oil in there and just kind of brown. It just a little bit perfect. And then once I know we have some people rinse the rice, you don't have to use. Okay. So it's each zone for for the rinsing part. And then so after it's nice and brown. That's when we add the last okay perfect. And then we just cook that for you. Yeah. And then you just want to kind of continuously just to kind of keep an eye on it. Okay. Wonderful. Well that sounds pretty straightforward. I can do that. Not a problem. So while I'm doing that, though, I know that one of the stories that you were so graciously willing to kind of share with us is a little bit about your journey. As far as even just on the mental health side and dealing with, you know, relationships that were maybe not necessarily the peak of health that you were kind of looking for. And so I'd love to kind of hear more about that, walk us through kind of what you've experienced and some of that, that journey. Yeah. I just want to preface this with, you know, I'm the kind of person that I just, I believe that all humans are innately good. And, you know, nobody, nobody goes into a relationship, you know, wanting to be heard or laugh or anything like that. So just just like to. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I, I'm a single mother of three. I am in a relationship. I'm partnered at the moment, that, you know, I was single for a few years. But I, my three kids have different fathers. And that was kind of each relationship was different. It was challenging. But it's one of those things, You don't need until you're in, you know, until, you know, kind of, you know, situations. But with my daughter's father, we were very young. It was, you know, one of those things where I would not say volatile, but it's just one of those things where you, I, I remember someone telling me that you find partners. Sometimes you search for partners that are similar to the relationships you saw when you were a child. Or maybe you partners. It kind of reminds you of your father. For me, in my instance, you know, I was like, oh, I don't know what they're talking about. There's a guy, Holden, I reflected on, you know, about, you know, all my relationships. I'm like, oh yeah, that's you might not be completely oh, wow. You know? Okay. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm looking back especially, you know, with my oldest daughter, her father was a lot like my father growing up. So it's just very interesting, you know, you know, going into therapy and, opening these boxes up and kind of like, oh, that's interesting. You know, qualities that, you know, growing up, I was that, you know, maybe not super attentive. My, you know, father. And then I realized certain qualities that I see in man that I, you know, gravitate towards. And I have to be much more aware of what I'm doing when it comes to relationships and think, I'm so curious for you, at least in your experience, why do you think that that is something that you were drawn to personally? And so I, you know, I wish I knew, I, I think, you know, and it goes again, I spent many years again and just like, why do I do this? I don't understand why I'm doing this. And it's the relationships or the type of parenting, the fact that the child, you know, my parents are immigrants, they're first generation, you know, they're from Mexico and, you know, we all know parenting is very different, you know, in different generations, but especially in immigrant countries, it's a lot different than what we know of today. And, you know, you have to give them grace. They were not parenting. Well, you know, they were treated as, you know, child labor pretty much. And, you know, my parents were doing the best they could, but they did not know how to have patience with us. It was the tension, the way we needed it. So it was one of those things where, you know, I sought out men that were, you know, emotionally unavailable because when they didn't give me attention, it was like, well, you know that. Don't it was like you say so. And then, yeah, they would pull away. I would just, you know, it was just an interesting dynamic. And I didn't realize it until later. Like, I don't like the relationship. I with my parents very busy working very hard, you know. But they're busy. They're working several jobs. And then when I didn't get attention from them, it was just like that hit your brain as a child. So when you grow up like, you know, you seek out relationships like that, and then you end up in a relationship that's like this one. Where are the only. And this is weird. Like, I don't know what to do with this. Yeah, absolutely. And that makes a ton of sense. I feel like I've, I've worked with several, you know, parents who say, you know, something similar where it's this is what you know. And so that's kind of what you're used to, what you're comfortable in. And so then, like you said, when you see it in others, it's like, oh yeah, this is kind of what love looks like, right? This is this is what I know. This is what I've been kind of seeing as far as that demonstration of what love looks like. So yeah, this makes sense versus like you said, when you have something different, it's like, oh yeah, this is it. This is strange. You know, what's what's the what? Yeah. I still remember that that thought going crossing through my mind when I was with my father, my second child, my, this is, like different. This is interesting. Granted, there is a lot of things that we also, you know, have to work on our communication was barely there was more than what I was used to. But there's still a lot of things that we have to work that, we have since, you know, divorce. But it's very amicable. We we've grown again, and we both come to therapy and we realize what went wrong in our relationship, but we get along really well for our son. And it's just, one of those relationships I'm very proud of to have. And I'm like, you know what? The marriage for that chapter, but this new chapter, you know, this friendship, we can have this partnership in our person. You know, it's positive because we realized what was wrong with that therapy. We worked on things. And, you know, we've matured and it works out really well now. But yeah. Yeah, it's definitely one of I had one of those moments where I was like, wow, this is this is interesting. This is kind of boring, you know, that those were the words that came out of my mouth. I'm like, okay, that way. But yeah, you're used to chaos. You know, that's kind of what you're bringing. You know, as a child, it's so important when you're raised like that. That's what your wiring is made up and and to change that as an adult, it takes a lot of work and like it's possible, but it's, you know, it takes a lot of work, a lot of consistency. And, yeah, it's just interesting how that wiring as a child affects you all, all of your relationships and all. Yeah, absolutely. And I imagine, you know, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it's it's not necessarily something that your parents were aware of. So it wasn't something kind of intentionally as far as that, that wiring, but more that, you know, when there's that lack of awareness, that lack of knowledge that it sounds like now having been in these things, like you said, years of therapy, of of learning and almost having to like it sounds like real learning and also repairing yourself in a way, that, you know, you were able to kind of have that insight that versus when you're in it and you don't know anything different, you're not necessarily seeking out or being taught anything different. I imagine it's not something in the forefront, and it's definitely not for the same person. But I feel like, anyone can do it. Is those things again, with consistency and you, anyone can do it. It's hard. It's. I'm not gonna lie. I'm gonna say, oh, you know, it's so easy to just show up to therapy and it just magically happens. It's it's a lot of you take two steps forward, a step back, you know, so I always it's, you know, it's it's difficult, but it's, it's so worth it especially, you know, for me personally, just with my kids just knowing that I'm, I'm able to raise them in a different way than what I was raised in a more positive atmosphere. And don't get me wrong, it's not perfect. I try to show them, but they don't. Child, sometimes I what I'm saying is I'm trying really hard. The words that are coming out of my mouth, for instance, listen to them. Yeah. It's like, oh. So you speak to a wall sometimes, too. I know the feeling that often. And then you take them in though to I feel like at least my I can't speak for mine. You take them to the doctor and they do the hearing tests, you know, and they say it's fine. It's like, yeah, oh yeah. It's like again, maybe it's my workstation. My voice is two to me. It's it's out of there. So, right. Oh wait, I did that that register. Excellent. But, I, I that's actually a perfect Segway because I was going to ask you, do you find or have you found this far that some of the struggles that you're seeing kind of on the relationship side, was that impacting your children at all? Was there something that you did in order to kind of contain that? What did that journey look like for you? Yeah, I was very aware, at least when things were getting maybe the culture needed. I trying not to argue or just things for my kids. I know some people think, oh no, they should be, you know, open to a lot of emotions and I yes, that's true. But at the same time, I knew I just had this intuition in me that I was like, I don't want to talk like this or discuss certain things around my kids or certain behavior. So it was a lot of it was this hyper awareness of, I really don't want my children. You know, when I was a kid, I would hear the arguments and things like that. You know, they would argue a lot would be hard not to raise my kids. Now I raise my voice, you know, because I try very hard not to raise these. Yeah. This one thing is an educator, a therapist. And you said, you know, try to limit raising your voice because you raise your voice when there's an emergency. So if you're constantly raising your voice and then there is an emergency, they're not going to react to that. So for me, I am going to just, you know, even if I have to take a five second breather and be like, okay, all right. We're not going to. Yeah. So yeah, being aware of being aware of my the way I speak, what I say, even my body language, with with partners and with my kids, I try to be very aware of that, and try to keep them away from any heated discussions and anything you can't, you know, protect them 100%. You know, even trying to do your best, I think that's important. Just, you know, again, just being aware of situations or distractions. But when your voice is around your kids, your body language and a lot of that negative or very aggressive things, that it happens away from them, I don't want them to know. I don't want them to have to go through that. But I do have them, you know, we're humans. Strong feelings is okay. And sometimes I think it's okay to be mad. It's not okay to see me. And words as that includes your hands on other people. That's not okay. It's very okay to be mad. Yeah. And what I love about that, because I think sometimes just as a society, society in general, we kind of confuse the two in the sense of, you know, oh, they're having a bad day. So, you know, it's okay that they talk to me in this way, or it's okay that they do these things versus being able to kind of tease the two out, which it sounds like you're working hard to do it with your kids, where the emotion that that's absolutely natural and you are absolutely entitled to have your emotions, the behaviors that you choose when you're having those emotions are the things that we do have a choice in. And so you have a choice of whether or not you want to speak to somebody in that way, or like you said, put hands on somebody in that way, or you can choose something different. And just because you're having it sounds like a big emotion. That might be overwhelming doesn't mean that it's it's just a free pass to kind of behave or choose behaviors that you want to do just because. Yeah, I tell them, you know, my son or family, it's okay if you're saying it's okay if that's bothering you. It's not okay to put your hands on someone that is not okay. And I'm going to need you to step away. You need to go to your room and very much, do you need a break? I think children do. I need a break? You know, you need five minutes. My daughter is almost four. She knows her room by herself. She knows when she's overstimulated. She knows when she's just over being around us. And I hear her walk away. Close the door. She needs five minutes, and she comes back and she's fine. And, you know, my partner, he saw that recently. He's just like, have these, like, I barely know when to step away. I'm like, I'm telling you, like, sometimes I listen, I guess, but, you know, I teach them, you know, if you're very big emotion and you feel like you're not going to be able to, you know, keep your hands to yourself or not, you know, then step away. It's okay. Okay. It's okay. Yeah, absolutely. And I also heard you mention that you for yourself in, you know, when you were talking about making sure to kind of be mindful of your, your voice and the level of, volume, if you will, that you mentioned that sometimes it does take you know, hey, let me step over here, take some take some deep breaths so I can come back to that. Is that a skill that you just innately have or has that taken work? Well that. That has taken where my brain. I was very, you know, when I was younger, I left, you know, it was one of those things that was, well, toxic. Whatever you want to say. But when I would go into an argument with someone, a part of you, it was almost like, yes, let's get into this. I'm going to do this with you. And then, like, as I got older, I was like, no, I don't want to do that. I don't like the consequences of when I see things, when I'm angry, you know? I don't like I make people feel. I don't like how that made my relationship. I don't I don't like how I felt after that. Yeah. So again, it's this just awareness. And it's anything in life, whether it's mental health, physical health, you know, that has to do with your relationships and job, but you have to have some sort of intention. You have to have consistency. It's not easy and nobody's perfect. I still it's not you know, I'm not under there, but I try my very best when there's an argument or there's something going on like I'm going to step away. Yeah, I'm going to say something you don't really mean. And it's, you know, it's from this old behavior. And I'm just I mean, I'm in it. And I have to again with my partner, you know? 632 I'm not walking away from you. I'm not ignoring this suspension. But I know myself and I know that I need to step away. Just give me five minutes. We'll come back. We'll circle back. But right now, I need to step away. Yeah, I need to know to separate myself from this at the moment. And I can tell I can physically. I can tell when I'm getting there. I can, you know, I can hear the monologue in my head. I can see how my body is reacting. And I'm like, well, I need some way. And what I love about what you said is that it sounds like you are also working really hard to, to communicate with your partner kind of ahead of time. Maybe not in the heat of the moment, but hey, when, when I do step away, when I do need to take that time out, it's not, you know, a reflection on on you. It's not, you know, necessarily because I'm walking, like you said, walking away from you. I'm. I want to walk towards you. And right now I can, you know, in a way that I want to show up. That sounds like it's really important to you. And so because of that, I'm, I'm choosing to kind of take this this time. And it sounds like that key part for you is making that commitment to come back to it versus just, you know, I know there are some people who that that walk away walking with no problem, but it's the coming back. And so then their partner goes, well, every time you walk away, you never come back. So no, we have to do it right now. You can't walk away, you know, versus being able to, like you said, make that commitment to coming back to it. Yeah yeah yeah. And again you have to come back to it. That is another part of it. You know, hash out whatever has to be taken, because I know some people are like, oh, I just just drop it. I don't want to talk about it. It's like, no, you have customers like we have. This has to be discussed, you know, especially if it's a very important conversation. And again, it's the whole balance thing. Some things, you know, we'll leave for discussion. But if there are certain things that have an urgent, you know, if they're urgent, you know, it's best to just discuss them there. And sometimes, you know, if you know someone who is in a relationship or, you know, friends or unhealthy relationships, you know you personally if you need someone to rest, referee, you know, bring someone in that you both trust that it's like, hey, we need just someone to come in and be like, what's going on for you guys? Okay? If it gets that serious, yeah, ask for help. But that's also why it's important to surround yourself with people who are also, you know, showing healthy habits, healthy relationships. I think that's one thing that I have found important as an adult, you know, in the relationship, kind of having friends or family, you know, can help sometimes with the stuff and things. Can you say more about that? Because I think that that's such a interesting and important piece of because you mentioned not just having anybody like if, if you need a third party, you know, observer not just having any random person, but you specifically called out someone that you, you see as kind of having a healthy relationship, why is that so important? I feel it's important because sometimes you need like I said, sometimes if there is, a situation, you know, and I again, I found myself sometimes I'm like, I'm not seeing what he's saying. Am I just, you know, am I not seeing his view of his side? I mean, what's going on? And sometimes it's nice to have someone that you know, is going to be straight with you. You know, someone's going to be honest with you. Okay, well thank you. This is what he's trying to tell you. You're being stubborn about this. Like you need to just go back and discuss this again. Like, can you see his point of view on this? Can you? You know what's going on. Why are you being so defensive? And this is something that you don't want to bring up. Makes me think like, oh, maybe, maybe there's something that I'm being defensive about. Something I'm afraid of this, you know, that's going to happen. And that's why I'm acting this way. And it's just myself, to be honest with you. You know, I like that. I like having someone to just feel like, hey, I might be. Yeah, extra or this. Absolutely. And what I really appreciate about what you're saying there is, it sounds like it's a conscious again, going back to something that you said, a conscious choice to choose someone, that, you know, as you mentioned, is going to maybe be straight with you. I imagine that takes a degree of vulnerability to be open to not being right. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's. Yeah. Oh, that woman Melanie against me every time. It's one of those things that I've also had to work. It's like, you know, my therapist will always tell me because I spent several years single, and she's just, you know, letting me know. Actually, being in a relationship is like, one of the most vulnerable positions that you can be in. You know, I'm like, yeah, like that one that I like is going to leave. They're going to leave me. If you find someone missing, isn't it worth, you know, being, you know, having that companionship, having that love and trust, just like, is that worth more than the fear that you're holding hands? And I'm like, why am I so, But, you know, for me, I personally have to work through it because, again, from my childhood, it was just like this fear of like, when. Yeah, yeah, that was the 40. Absolutely. And, you know, it is such a big component that I think some people maybe take for granted, because sometimes I feel like people see vulnerability and they think weakness, but oh my goodness, it's so hard to actually, like you said, open yourself up because it could potentially mean more hurt. Versus when you have your walls up, you know, there's nothing penetrating. But it's also very, I imagine, very lonely as well. Very isolating. Yeah, absolutely. And so I just I absolutely love that because I know there are so many people who, you know, they'll go to maybe someone instead seeking help from someone who's almost going to like, stir the pot and say, and because it can feel really good. And they think that it's not to say that that doesn't have a purpose, but acknowledging perhaps that purpose that this is someone who's going to stir the pot and be like, yeah, you know, you're doing everything right. Versus maybe, like you said, someone who's going to tell you like when like, hey, you know, maybe there's some room for flexibility here, that you're currently, like you said, maybe closed off to you. And let's look at that. Yeah. Absolutely. So, that's such a such a good piece and I appreciate that. You brought that up, and it sounds like it's it's been serving you well on your, on your journey to to your growing and kind of doing something different. It sounds like. Yeah. Has that been how is that as far as because it sounds like. And let me know if I'm way off base here, that some of these patterns were almost kind of intergenerational. What you know, what they can say these days in a generational trauma. And then it sounds like, you know, you've made this kind of conscious choice to, I. To stop it or to at least stop some of the things that you've built. Not now. An awareness. Is that accurate? Is that in your consciousness? Very accurate. As the kids say, this is, inherent generational wealth and heritage, generational trauma. Forthrightly. But is something. Yeah. Parents patterns that I saw with my parents, you know, and again, like I said, we have to give them grace because they were not raised in a way that anyone would particularly like to be raised. But it's definitely patterns that I noticed. And my mother, who I spent what I still often see and spend time with, and it's one of those things, again, you just have to, like, intentionally and and like I said, so that, you know, it's always a work in progress and it's one of those things that I always say it's just it's a work in progress. And you have to be able to just kind of pull yourself in. I really need to work on these areas. I'm doing well in these areas. I need to work on my communication back to work. You know, and that. So and so, but definitely patterns that are experienced in my family, with my sisters. I have four sisters. Okay. Things that I've you know, noticed with, and so, yeah, it's just something that needs to be addressed, because you can decide not to just continue living your life that way and. And and you. Absolutely. You know, I don't know how many people I've heard of. Well, this is all I know. So this is what I do and absolutely that is also, though I think, important to to highlight. That's still a choice, right? Yeah. That's one thing that we all have regardless, where we are like, that's choice. And you can choose to stay the way you've always been. You can stay with the same patterns, the same relationships in terms of you or and then, you know, choosing to change is not easy. It's going to be difficult. Like I said, I spent several years, you know, outside of relationships, choosing to be single, choosing to work, addressing behaviors, choosing to, you know, stay out of relationships that I knew would not be good for me because I knew I knew that I would end up, you know, doing things that I was not going to be happy about. And it's one of those things I see often. This whole notion. I'm not really sure what it is, but it says, you know, every choice you make, you know, are you making steps towards the life that you want? You know, this is helping. You know you're going like it's that easy. You know, being angry, being in a relationship, doing this sort of pattern, you know, spending all your money doing, you know, regardless, this is going to help you get here. And, you know, that's a choice you can make. You know, that's kind of, you know, I chose to be single. I chose to go to therapy. I chose to work on these tendencies. I'm like, I don't want to be in these times, really anymore. I don't want to be, you know, I don't want these behaviors anymore. So it's a choice. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And what I, what I like about what you just said is it sounds like it takes one. Okay. Going back to like that conscious right decision to, to sit back and to it sounds like maybe even look at what are my end goals and really kind of, you know, taking that zoomed out version first and then being able to say, okay, it's like you said, being single, even though maybe everything in me says this is extremely uncomfortable. You know, I heard you mentioned kind of your, your patterns. You know, you liked that dopamine hit. And so I imagine when you're single you're not necessarily getting some of that. And so that's incredibly uncomfortable. And like just like no, my my brain is telling me I want these things, I need these things. And so then to kind of make that choice that, like you said, the intentionally single looking at that big picture of, if I do this, it does allow me space and time to work on me. It sounds like. And choosing that discomfort versus maybe some of this other discomfort that you had been kind of in. Is that accurate? Yeah. And it's very much like the only temporary, you know, quick satisfaction versus, you know, a longer lasting satisfaction for me. And that was difficult. You almost have you do you retrain yourself or you retrain your routines? You retrain, your brain. Ultimately, quite honestly, a lot of it I had issues, a lot of it was social media. So I went on social media for a while, and I felt like that was affecting a lot of my use, relationships. You know, being single, it's just a lot of things. And social media, I think we're affecting my. And that's something that I want to take a break from social media. And then I almost went back to what were the things that I like to do when I was a kid? I like to read. I liked music, I like, you know, you just kind of have to find other things you like. I do this too. So then I sort of answered it really sort of doing, you know, we spent me and my kids spend a lot of time outside. We were traveling a lot more. You just want to change your focus, you know, because I feel like sometimes, you know, we're all in this. You almost have, like, blinders on, and, you know, I have to find this relationship. I have to do this. You know, I'm different. It's like there's more to life, and it's okay. You know? And and, you know, needing to find a partner. If you're a single parent, it's okay either way for me. And, you know, my partner knows this. Like, I will. I'm okay with being with my partner. I love my partner. I'm also going to be okay if I'm a single parent, you know, along with my kids. So it's been once I realized this would be okay. Either way, I'm that's when I was ready to maybe get into a relationship with my partner, and I knew that I would be content regardless. I, you know, I with my kids, I'd be content finding a companion who I enjoy spending time with and. And I love that that's such a, wonderful shift of it. It sounds like for you that readiness was looking at a relationship instead of something. I need to be complete. It was. This is a bonus. I'm already complete and content. Having a relationship would just be a bonus to that. But I don't need it. Is that what I heard? Yeah, yeah. Once I had that and it wasn't like, Moment, it was more of, you know, I think maybe I was out with my parents, we went out to eat and, you know, I was there. They, my friends and, you know, I said, want to and I, and I said, I'm like, well, you know, I hope you have this with the rest of my life. Like hanging out with you guys and my kids and just kind of doing what I'm doing, you know, having the routine I currently have. You know, I think you mentioned something about, like, me being a single cat and like, you know, cats and was like a cat lady. Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe know. I'm like, you know what? Oh, yeah. That I'm okay with that. Like, you know, if I find a cat, then cool. If not, that's okay. You know, you know, and that's when I realized, like, you know, this, okay, everything's going to be fine. Yeah. That's that's so cool. And I know you mentioned that maybe necessarily wasn't a direct moment. But I am really curious though because it sounds like this is a shift that you intentionally made. You know, going back to that idea of making a decision. And so was there a catalyst for you that was your moment that something's got to be different. Well, yes. With my divorce, during my divorce or while I was in the process of, you know, getting divorced, I was in a very casual relationship. This was right before Covid happened. Okay? I was in a casual relationship. And, you know, we kind of ended things. And I ended up finding I was like, okay, like, this is not what I wanted for my kids. This is not what I want for my life, you know? And and it's strange, you know, I remember sitting in the courtroom and they were finalizing my divorce, and I'm sitting here pregnant. And I remember the judge said something about like, oh, I see you're pregnant. Do you want to do a paternity test for, you know, the defendant or whatever? And I said, no, it's okay. I know it's not. You know, here's. And I'm just like, this is not a situation anyone is just like, that's what I want to spend my life. You. Yeah. I just recall feeling I, I can close my eyes. And I know like that feeling when I was sitting there and I was just like, I don't ever want to do this again. I don't ever want this kind of decision. My youngest daughter, you know, she her dad is not involved at all. And, you know, I again, like, I just don't want to put a child in this position ever again. So that's pretty much when I decided that I'm like, you know, I can't. We're going to work on things. And if I have to do this alone, I will do it alone. But it's I think it's the catalyst for me was sitting in that courtroom. And, you know, I laugh about it now because I had to. But it's just, you know, looking back. And it's one of those things, you know, when you get divorced or certain situations happen in your when people that I meet find out, you know, that I think it's three different fathers. I can see their faces. They're like, oh, oh. And they're like, yeah, I'm that person. But it's and I say it in a way, jokingly, but also in a way like, you know what? Nobody plans for this. You know, you I think everyone hopes that they're in the healthy relationship. Everybody wants that love. You know what? It takes work. Yeah. And and I realize, you know, it's it's interesting. You know, your mental health issues. It takes the to the patterns. You notice, you know, in your relationships. It takes intentionality. You going in and getting the help that you need. But yeah, that was like, how of am I doing this again? My yeah. My kids, they're just very, they're so gracious and they're so funny and sweet and kind and I'm like, I'm just so thankful for for all of them, regardless of how, you know, I got. But yeah, I was like, was, yeah. And I appreciate you sharing that. And I wanted to highlight because I heard you mentioned, you know, that when, when people find out that, you know, there might be a that facial change, but like you said, this isn't I don't think anybody goes into their life going this, oh, this is what I want. And especially when they're, you know, struggling. And so being able to, like you said, have that grace and suspend the judgment. I feel like we're so good as a society. It's just like jumping into judgment, you know? Oh, oh, mean. I'm like, I'm just going to judge you. And it's like you said, this isn't necessarily I don't think people consciously choose Archie or struggle. And so why why judge them like it is? You know, something that, you know, they're, they're excited about too, and like, hey, what can I do to support you, you know, and and see, you know, are they wanting to change? And maybe they do just need a little bit of that safe space to be able to explore something different. Yes. Yes, I know, and I want to highlight for me personally how important it is to have a sense of humor because I it's just it's so important for me. You know, I joke around people, you know, when they see pictures of my kids and, you know, my older to look more like me and my daughter is blond with green eyes and, you know, it's just one of those like, yeah, you know, she's she's my lighter skinned child, but she's my spiciest child. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So it's just it's very important to just kind of, you know, relax and have a sense of humor. It's that's very. I think that's what's helped me as well through all of this. Yeah. Not not necessarily taking yourself too, too seriously because otherwise, that, like you said, could get you into trouble. Just, you know, when things are a little bit more difficult. So. Yeah. Is there I know you shared that wonderful resource, with us at the beginning. Were there any other resources or supports that you found along your journey that were very helpful to you that, you know, maybe others would would find some use in as well? Well, I, I'm a big fan of, you know, YouTube and Instagram again, just making sure that, you know, a lot of the videos. But if I find, therapists or people that, are licensed, I find them online for what they're doing, for example, like being able to, you know, send and show videos and, and listen that, I don't have anyone specifically, but that's, especially when I was there when I started my journey, you know, mental health, I didn't want to just jump in and find someone right away. So I went through the videos and, you know, I found a couple of therapists, you know, YouTube and they're like, these are five tips to help you. You know, when or when you're dealing with your cancer. And, you know, I was a big fan of those, but again, just embedding them and making sure that, you know, their license and typically you can just by watching the video and looking them up, I always kind of looked up their name. I was just making sure they were, someone who, had, you know, was educated and licensed. But, because sometimes it's hard, you know, taking that first step is usually so hard for people, easier to just find, you know, they're someone on Instagram or on YouTube and they kind of look through their videos on Tik Tok, and it's just nice through the videos and yeah, you know, that's that's how I, or that's I can really sometimes that's like the first step, you know, but that's what I did. And it kind of helped ease me into finding someone really, you know, someone licensed counselor. Yeah. Help me. Wonderful. So I think that's that's super helpful. And like you said, because it is a really big step to take. And so finding those means, like you said, for yourself, of what's going to help you kind of ease into that and maybe make it a little bit, of a smoother transition. If you. All right. So one of my, you know, favorite questions, last question kind of for you, if you did have access to a Delorean, and you could go back in time. Is there anything that you would see yourself share with yourself? Kind of. Back then? Oh, that's such a good question. I could go back and tell my younger self something. I would say, you know, some of your goals or your dreams, like, just kind of go for. I think I was very afraid. I was very afraid of failing. I was very much a people pleaser. So I would probably say something like, just go for it. Like, don't be afraid of failing and just, you know, you're not you don't need someone to complete, you know. That would be my two biggest points. Yeah. And I think that those are great points and great reminders for everyone as well. Julie, thank you so much for being willing to talk to me again. And share your story and share this recipe. Yeah, I know, I'm super excited to share it with my family. So thank you for for giving me that that way in, I never I never made it before, so thank you. And thank you. Yes. And thank you for for being willing to be so open with with us. I was going to say me, but really, it's it's much bigger than me. So thank you for being willing to be vulnerable, and share that piece because I know it's not it's not something that our society is normalized talking about yet that's, you know, that's what I'm working on. But, I appreciate you very, very much. Yeah. No problem. I'm glad to be here. I'm glad to see you again. You know, I just, I just any way, shape or form that I can get in contact with people who I've been friends with and have, you know, spend time with is so nice to spend time with. And thank you. So thank you. Yes, absolutely. Well, thank you so much. And thank all of you for listening. And today we'll see you next time. If you or anyone that you know is struggling with any of the topics that we discussed in today's episode, make sure to check out our show notes for support and resources. You can get help. Thanks again for joining us on today's episode of The Real Family Eats. If you're a parent ready to share your real life parenting story, make sure to reach out to us and our website found in the show notes. And that goes for today's recipe social media's support and resources. All of that can be found in our show notes, so make sure to check them out and make sure to follow, like, share, subscribe, and stay up to date on all things the real family Eats. I hope you'll join us next time for more food for thought and thoughtful food. Enjoy your eats!