How to Heal After Pregnancy Loss: Jillian Cajigas on Grief, Sobriety + Comforting Korean Beef Recipe

In this deeply moving episode, Jillian Cajigas, mom of one, joins Reesa Morala, LMFT, to share her emotional journey through pregnancy loss, high-risk pregnancy, and early sobriety. Jillian opens up about her struggles with uterus didelphys, the grief of a prior miscarriage, and the overwhelming feeling that her body had failed her. She reflects on how she navigated mental health challenges, found support, and worked toward healing while preparing to welcome her child.

As they discuss parenting resilience, loss, and emotional recovery, Jillian also shares her go-to Korean Beef recipe—a flavorful and comforting dish perfect for busy parents looking to create meaningful moments around the dinner table.

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💬 What’s been your biggest parenting challenge? Share your story in the comments!

🥢 Tried the recipe? Let us know how it turned out!

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Keto Korean Ground Beef Bowl Recipe

Credit: https://lowcarbyum.com/korean-beef-paleo-recipe/

INGREDIENTS:

1 tablespoon sesame oil or olive oil

1 ¼ pound lean ground beef

3 cloves garlic minced

½ teaspoon SweetLeaf stevia drops

½ teaspoon blackstrap molasses can be left out or replaced with a low carb sweetener

¼ cup soy sauce or coconut aminos for paleo

½ teaspoon fresh ginger minced or a couple dashes ground ginger

1 teaspoon crushed red pepper I like it spicy, use less if desired

1 bunch green onions sliced

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Heat a large skillet over medium heat and brown ground beef with garlic in the oil. Drain off fat.

2. Add stevia, molasses, soy sauce, ginger, and red pepper.

3. Simmer and stir for a few minutes to blend seasonings.

4. Serve over cauliflower rice and top with sliced green onions.

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Disclaimer:

The insights shared on this platform are for informational and educational purposes only and do not constitute professional advice or treatment.

For crisis situations or ongoing mental health concerns, contact a licensed mental health provider or your local crisis hotline.

Views expressed are those of the individuals speaking and do not represent this channel’s official stance.

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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a couples counselor for parents providing therapy in person in Murrieta, CA and virtual couples therapy in California. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!

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For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com

If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

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Transcript

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Viewers be advised. Today's episode contains themes of death and loss and may not be appropriate for all audiences. It wasn't me that failed, and it took a really long time for me to come to terms with that. And, you know, a lot of talking with therapists and talking with other women who had gone through this Hey everyone, thanks for joining me. My name is Reesa and I'm your host. We are talking to real families about real stories here on the Real Family Eats, where we've got food for thought and thoughtful food. So let's eat! Hey, everyone. So my guest today is Jillian. Jillian, thank you so much for being willing to chat with us today. I'm so excited to hear about your story and for the recipe. So thank you for being on our show today. Yeah no problem. Reesa, it's great to be here with you guys today. Wonderful. So for those that don't know you like, I know you. Can you introduce yourself for me in kind of a little bit about yourself? Yeah. So my name is Jillian. I currently live in Florida, so it's nice and toasty here. I'm a mom of one living child, and, I work at the happiest place on Earth, so. Very cool. Okay. And so I know you're going to introduce a recipe to us. One that I don't think I've ever made, so I'd love to know what the recipe is. Tell us why you chose this recipe today. Yeah. It's called Korean beef. We just call it Asian beef. In our house, we actually don't even make it with beef. You can use any ground meat. Meat? Substitute if you prefer. No meat in your house. It's pretty versatile. I chose this because it's a super easy weeknight meal, and you don't have a lot of time, and you got some ground meat that's dying in your fridge, and you got to use it up, and your kids are hungry. This is great. Super quick. Most kids will eat rice and meat, and we usually add a couple potstickers on the side. If you have them in the freezer, you throw those in a steamer and they're good to go. My kid loves this meal, and it's been one of our go to since me and my spouse started eating. And after, you know, we got married. It's a weekly meal that I make. Very cool. And so where did you find this recipe? I found it online. I just searched Korean beef, and this one popped up. It was a great one. If you know, if you're counting calories and I think it's technically paleo and keto and a whole bunch of other things if you modify it a little bit, but we can add the, website in later. But I grew up eating tons of different cultural foods, and so I was craving Asian food one night, and I was like, we got some ground beef in the fridge. Let's see if we can use that to. Wonderful. And yes, we will absolutely have the link to the recipe that Jillian shared with us in our show notes, so you can definitely check it out there. Okay, so talk me through. I think I've got all these ingredients. What am I starting with today? You start with a little bit of either sesame oil or any oil, honestly that you have on hand in your pan, okay? And you're just going to start that warming up. You don't want to get it too hot. I usually do it about on a medium. Okay. I measure maximum amounts. No. Okay. Love it. I do a lot of measuring with my heart. Not a whole lot of measuring based off of measurements. I feel that very much so. I'm, You know, it feels like it's going. I feel like this is the correct amount. Let's go with that. Yes. And sometimes, I mean, that's the real life story, right? When you've got kiddos and they're running amok, sometimes it's like you don't have time to grab all of the the exact measurements you're just going to like, oh, yeah, let me just throw that in there. Exactly. I usually do about a third and a half and whatever oil I have on hand, I always have, sesame oil. I just because we eat a lot of Asian inspired foods here at our house. Okay, so I always have that on here. So I'm going to start my morning off at about, like a medium, almost a medium high. And then we'll add in our garlic, which you measure with your heart for sure. Yeah. This is I think three garlic cloves. That is never enough of garlic. It's always going to be more in my life. Absolutely. You know what's so funny is my especially my always from a very young age is always like mama puts garlic in everything. I love. And that's just his way of life. So I feel yeah. Yeah. Oh yes. I put my garlic in as everything is starting to heat up. And then once it starts to sizzle, I know that my pan is hot enough to put me meat in. Okay, that's just how I do it. I alrighty, so I'll get this going. And while this is cooking, I'd love to hear a little bit more about your story you were sharing with me. That you had a little bit of a different experience with pregnancy and kind of your journey there, and I'd love to hear a little bit more about that. Yeah. So, you know, traditionally in media and hallmark movies, people get pregnant and then magical time happens and it's all the great picture perfect pregnancy and nothing goes wrong. And they look so beautiful and they, you know, have perfect hair and skin and everything goes great. That was definitely not my, experience with anything. I yeah, I unfortunately did have a miscarriage, as our first pregnancy, which just rocked our entire world to the core. You know, we were trying I was trying to become sober at the time, which didn't help. Ensure sobriety, I imagine. Oh, yeah. We're short on variety. Thankfully, I was able to stay sober because my spouse is so rock solid. But we spent a lot of days just crying, and that is my. Yeah, I mean, that's what that's what was such a big loss, right? And I think what you just said there that sometimes that's all you can do is to sit there and mourn that loss. And exactly it doesn't mean that that you're doing something wrong. Yeah, exactly. And so, you know, when we did get pregnant the second time, we were so excited and so just joyful. And then the issue started, about six weeks after we found out we were pregnant. So we were probably about 9 to 10 weeks long. I started bleeding, which of course is not what anyone wants to have after they've had a miscarriage. And so I, of course, immediately went to the doctor and I was like, what's going on? You're like, let's take, you know, ultrasound, some tests, you maybe having a miscarriage. It's, you know, it's still pretty early in your, in your pregnancy. And that's when they officially diagnosed me with what's called a bi cornea at uterus. So basically I have you services that meet down to 1 or 2 uteruses, like you have a uterus that looks down to one cervix. Oh, wow. Yeah. And the two halves of the uterus weren't talking to each other, so it looks kind of like a heart shaped balloon. Almost. Okay. And the two halves weren't talking to each other, so the one half that didn't have our embryo in it decided that it was time to have a period that. Gotcha. And the other side was like, no, no, no, there's a there's an embryo in here. So we're doing something in here for that. And so my body for the entire pregnancy, almost every four weeks decided it was time to bleed. And I really thought I should. Of course, no woman wants to see that. You're not supposed to get a period while you're pregnant. You know, it's one of the it's one of the perks that come along with pregnancy is you don't have to deal with that. Yeah. Did you now having gone through your miscarriage and even though the doctor's telling you hey this is what's happening every four weeks when you're cutting that bleeding, did I mean, what was going on through your brain? I'd love to kind of. Your anxiety immediately goes through the roof, and. All rational thought leaves and you stop everything you're doing and go to the doctor, and they think you're crazy because you're in there all the time. But you just have to say, for my mental health, this is what I need. And thankfully, I had a super awesome, Doctor who, even though he thought I was crazy for wanting to be in there all the time and getting numerous ultrasounds and paying way more than you probably should during a pregnancy. I was like this is what I need for my mental health, and I need to make sure that that heartbeat is still there, man. How did you. So I feel like so many parents that I talk to, you know, there's that apprehension that the fear to kind of advocate for yourself, especially in a doctor's office, because it can be really intimidating, really scary. You know, and if they're telling you, oh, this is not necessary, you know, there can be a real propensity to kind of. Okay, well, I guess I just have to, like, quiet this anxiety. Like, I'm so curious about what kind of shifted for you that you were like, no, no, no. Like, I am 100% advocating for myself because that is so amazingly awesome. I one had an amazing medical team who, even though they kept saying, you know, for your type of uterus, this is unfortunately normal. I said, I don't care if this is normal. I it doesn't feel normal to me. And from what I've seen in society and from what I've seen in movies and from what everything I'm reading online, this shouldn't be happening. And I don't care that I'm a special case. I wanted to be treated as though this is not normal. And so they just kind of had to listen to. I can understand that. Yes, this is normal for me, but my brain can't comprehend this. Yeah. Because I one can't trust my body because it failed the first time we tried this. And so there is isn't there is a lack of trust between my brain and my body to be able to do the right thing. And there is a lack of trust between my brain and itself to know that, that this is normal for me. So I just need to be able to visually see that there is a heartbeat on that monitor and tell this happens again. And, rational thought leaves my brain. Yeah. I heard you mentioned in there kind of the feeling that my body has failed me. Would you be willing to talk a little bit more about about that in that narrative that was going on for you? Oh, yeah. I mean, I had being part of the 1 in 4 club, which is not a club that any woman should ever have to be a part of. You know, 1 in 4 women will go through a miscarriage in their life. It it breaks all trust between your brain and your body. How can I trust my body to be able to do what it is supposed to be able to do based off of science and thousands of years of women giving birth to babies? That. Why can't mine do that? Like, what is wrong with me? And why? Why did my body fail? Something that comes so naturally to so many other women. And I had to remind myself that, you know, that I'm not broken. My body is not broken. I this one just didn't work out. It's like any job or any, you know, Pair of shoes or dress like this one just didn't fit for me. It didn't work for me. This one time, I wasn't it. I didn't do anything wrong. I did it. I did it. I did not fail. My body did not inherently fail. This just didn't work out. And it could have been something with the embryo or, you know, something that happened in, in the pregnancy itself that we don't know. But it it wasn't me that failed. And it took a really long time for me to come to terms with that. And, you know, a lot of talking with therapists and talking with other women who had gone through this and inherently being like, you weren't the one that failed. The pregnancy itself failed. Yeah. And I'm so glad that you mentioned that far. First, kind of of it sounds like the work that you had to do and the initiative to go into that work, to be able to kind of tease out that narrative because you're so right. And I've heard that from so many folks, and like, this is not what it's supposed to be, right? This is this isn't what you're advertised. When when people talk about having kids and then this is your body, you should should like that word. Right? So many times gets used of like what it should look like, what it should be doing, what it should be capable, and that, you know, this this equation involves that if it can't do it, then it somehow is a dysfunction on your end that you're you're somehow less than. And yeah, and gosh, if you're kind of that you were able to to tease out that narrative is is huge because I know there's so many, so many other mothers out there, that maybe are struggling to do just that. Yeah, it's it's crazy how alone you can feel when you don't know that other people around you are going through the exact same thing. You know, you feel very alone when all of a sudden they're like, you're your pregnancy is no longer there. You know that heartbeat isn't there anymore, that it just stopped. And you know, your, your world is shattered and you feel completely alone and you forget you one have someone right there who's going through it with you, your spouse or your partner or your significant other. And also that if you count four women, one of those women have also gone through it now, statistically speaking. So it's like, yeah. And but society has put such a stigma on talking about miscarriages and pregnancy loss and infertility and all these other things that it's like you don't feel like you can talk about it because we're not supposed to. It's not the pretty part of pregnancy that everyone wants to hear about you. Don't we want to hear about the baby showers and the, you know, the pretty things of your hair's growing and your cute belly and the cute dresses and the getting ready for the baby. And you. No, I, I want to hear about the ugly parts of your pregnancy because I had an ugly pregnancy. Yeah, I absolutely. And I think you you made a great point. And I do want to make sure to, like, take a moment and highlight that, you know, you had a partner that was also experiencing that. You know, I know I just mentioned kind of moms out there that also very much affects can affect the partner as well. Male partners and included. Yeah. I do want to take a moment to mention that, because sometimes there can be some of those feelings as well that are hidden, right, that if for whatever reason there are fertility issues, that that can also impact just as much, and there's a very real story there for the partner as well. And so I just wanted to I thank you for mentioning that because you're you're so right. Oh, yeah. Because, you know, everyone views male presenting partners as the strong, dominant household head of household, you know, and they don't give them space to grieve because dads lose babies, too. I absolutely and no one talks about that. It's always oh but but but the mom is during the pregnancy. Yes. My body carried a pregnancy, but his heart was just is full of love and excitement as mine was. And it's hurting just as much, if not more, because not only does he hurt, he has to watch his partner hurt and go through that same amount of hurt that he's feeling and he can do nothing to help it. And also, you know, female presenting partners who you know may have contributed to their spouses pregnancy. They hurt just as much as well. Yeah. And and I think what you mentioned there is, you know, it's for for everybody there's some sort of hurt. It may look different. It may present differently. Because that's another piece that, you know, for some it may present in those, those tears and that crying. For others it may present in, in anger and in disconnect and like shut down almost, you know, so kind of having that face, having that compassion for not only the caring partner, but for the non caring partner as well. That there's those are very real things that, as you mentioned, don't get talked about enough because there is this, this facade, right, that I feel like it's been handed down generation after generation of this is to, to survive. We've got gotta paint this picture that this isn't easy so that people want to do it. Exactly. Like, I almost feel duped into becoming like, it's so perfect. It's an easy thing, but it is an ugly, gross experience. And no one tells you the ugly gross parts. Yeah, absolutely. I'm. I'm so curious. From that. Did you did it threaten your relationship with your not caring for, No, man, because I really needed them, in the sense that I had. If they had not been here, I would have turned to alcohol again. And I probably would not be alive today. And so I was very much a I need you to be here to stop me from going up to the liquor store. I need you to be here to help me remember to shower. I need you to remind me that I'm still a human and I deserve a bath. I need you to help me to remember to eat. Because my grief was so hand over comforting that self-care went out the window, man. And to my partner. Oh, yeah, go ahead now. Go for it. I want to hear more. Yeah, without. Without my partner. His name's Tony. Without Tony, it really would have been just me slowly killing myself with a bottle, and I. I relied so much on him and his strength and I had no family in town besides what I call my Florida family, who I love so much. They are not related by blood or paperwork in any way, shape or form, but they're amazing people. And, I grew up with them in Minnesota, which is where I'm from. And I love them dearly. And so it was very much, if I wasn't around them, I was around Tony. And he was really my only family here in Florida that I could talk to about how I was feeling or, you know, what was going on that day or, you know, everything that I was thinking or not thinking that. Yeah. Okay. Pause for just a moment. I've got my ground. Me and that's nice and brown. What do I do next? Yeah. So now you can start adding in all of your soy sauce, molasses mixture, all of that. Get that in there. Start, bubbling that up. Okay. Mine's still Browning, so it might take bit longer. Perfect. So, I'll keep mixing. I wanted to take a moment and ask you because you said something that I think is super powerful. And what you just mentioned, that I, I wanted to circle back to and and that's just the phrase that I deserve a bath. Can you tell me more about that? I yeah. When when I was going through the thick of it, you know, the the worst parts of the, depression and, you know, emotions that followed the miscarriage. I had. I didn't feel like I deserved to, to live, which, you know, is a scary thought. I didn't feel like I deserved the basic human, necessities of of food or, you know, a bath which lots of people think is like a luxury. Like we all shower and we all, you know, wash ourselves. But to sit down have, like, a bubble bath with, you know, a glass of sparkling whatever, and a book or watch a movie on, device and just soak in a bathtub. I was like, I, I, I don't want that. And nor do I feel like I deserve that, because that's how how could someone who failed again, it also goes back to me having to deal with the fact that I felt I failed at something that is so ingrained in our society that every woman should be able to do this, that if if I failed at this, why? Why should I deserve something that, you know, everybody should be able to have that. And so he had to remind me that, you know, you're also human. You deserve to scream for dinner. You deserve to make those goofy choices that you know you you want to make of. You want to take a bubble bath, okay? You just you deserve to take a bath. And I think we punish ourselves when we intrinsically feel it's something that should come so naturally to us. That we we go down the road of punishment because we, we don't know how to forgive ourselves as human beings. And there is that sense of I have to be able to forgive myself. And it took a lot of bubble baths. Yeah, a lot of bath. But we got there eventually. There's still things that, you know, you have to remember that, you know, I'm still human. We still make mistakes. Absolutely. And I what I really appreciate and why I'm so thankful that you were willing to even, talk a little bit more about that is because you're so absolutely right. I've heard that so many times, kind of this idea of, that you're bringing you're bringing me really good at convincing you of some of these narratives, like you're saying that that, hey, I deserve this, this punishment. This is, you know, hey, I don't get to have this luxury. Like you said, have a bath. Like, that's that's for people who don't fail. And to kind of have even just just that, that thing that so many people do take for granted. I don't, I don't know that people would look at a bath and go like, oh, this is something that my brain might try to convince me I'm not deserving. But it is. Gosh, when you're in it, like you said, and those are the thoughts that are going on, it can be very, very difficult to remind yourself otherwise. That real quick pause. If you haven't already, start your rice in your rice cooker or instapot. Yes, I always measure mine with my knuckles or fingers. I am so that we do. We absolutely do the the finger measure. I mean, that's how I was taught by my, my, my Filipino family. So that's what we do. Yeah. Yes. I have my rice. That one. I made sure it was in there cooking. Nice. Thank you for the reminder. But yeah. So, you know. Yeah, we we did that. But yeah, back to, you know, we pregnancies because it didn't just stop with the bleeding. Okay. The mental health part of that, it it continued to get ugly as we, we got to the physical pregnancy part of. Okay, you know, you make a birth plan, and you, your, you know, your medical team tries to follow it as closely as possible. Well, we got closer to our, our pregnancy deadline, and, they were like, he's breech and it is not safe for us to turn him. Okay. So C-section it is cool on that one. Yeah. Did that feel scary like that news like when they came in and they told you that? I can only imagine all the thoughts that are happening in that moment? It was definitely scary. It was something that we had talked about as a possibility because thankfully, my birth team had said, you know, hey, with your uterus, you know, this, this, this, and this could end up being a possibility. We again, it wasn't our first choice. No, nobody's first choice is to, you know, get cut open and have a huge scar for the rest of their life. But that. So that was it. Scary. Yes. Were we completely blindsided? No. I talked about it and said, you know, if if it is the case that we do need a C-section, then with some other medical stuff both I and my spouse are dealing with, we should probably just time my tubes at the same time, because after this crazy pregnancy of bleeding all the time, I do not want to birth another human being. No thank you. That was an that come to, Was that a difficult decision to come to? Not super hard to come to. I'm adopted. And so for me, adoption was never out of the picture. It's better to adopt a child than and an adopted child. Yeah. I I'm I'm always down to adopt 5 million children. You know, I'd love to have a couple more kids running around if if the cards work out and, you know, everything goes perfectly, I think maybe 1 or 2 more running around. But, you know, it's it's not cheap. And I know that absolutely. It's, you know, it's not always in the cards for people either. But so it was something of both with some medical stuff for me, some medical stuff for my spouse. Like, let's just have one pregnancy, that makes it. And that would be great. Okay. So, you know, that was news for us. And then right after Hurricane Ian down here in Florida, I started feeling gross the next morning. We had no power at our house. We were at my Florida family's house for the day, and I was like, I don't feel great. And I have not felt this baby kick in a while. Wow. We should probably go to the hospital. And they were like, okay, let's go. So we went and they're like, yeah, you're actually having contractions. You're only like two weeks out from your due date. So we're probably just gonna take him today. We were like, oh, oh, surprise, surprise. Two weeks earlier than we were expecting. Yeah, we have no power at our house right now. Oh my goodness, we love this. Yeah. And, we had already decided on his name Ian, way ahead of this hurricane that was named Ian. Oh my goodness. You mean like, just like an accident? Yeah. We were like, great. This is awesome. You know, like, so when you eat and we were like, well, we eat breakfast like two hours ago and they're like, okay, we have to wait about six hours. And it's like, you're kidding. Oh yeah. So now we have this anxiety where we're calling people and letting them know, like, hey, can you check on the house? Can you check on the freezer? Make sure nothing's dripping, like trying to coordinate someone, making sure that we end up with power eventually in our house. Thankfully, our dog is with our Florida family like nothing's going the way I want it to. We're expecting our baby to come today. We get into the O.R. and they start the procedure and all of a sudden I hear the surgeon say, get somebody else in here. And my heart dropped, oh my goodness, yes. What's going on? Like, my dad has a biomedical engineering degree. My grandfather was a colon rectal surgeon. I've been around enough medical staff to know that when the surgeon calls in an extra pair of hands, it's never a good reason. And they're like, he's stuffed in your incision. His head is stuck inside your body. Oh my God. Oh, great. So awesome. So I find out later from my spouse that the doctor is literally one leg up on the table trying to pull my child out of my incision. Oh, my goodness. And thankfully, they finally get him out, and all of a sudden my baby is whisked away, not chest to chest like we had talked about and my spouse leaves my side. I am stuck prone on my back, which I can't turn my head like. I can't see anything behind me and I am literally screaming what is going on? I find out from the anesthesia urologist. Yeah, I'm completely left alone with my anesthesiologist and the surgeons have basically told nothing. There's like noises coming from the other side of the curtain. You know? I can't hear anything behind me. I'm also half deaf, so that doesn't help anything that I can't hear anything going on. But I find out later Ian had it was a nuchal cord times three. So his umbilical cord was wrapped three times around his neck and he was not breathing. Wow. So not only did we have this crazy pregnancy our room has now and nothing the way we want it to when my kids are breathing. And no, it's telling me anything. What's going on? Oh, incredible. You finally get him breathing, they get the little CPAp on and he's not taking good breath. I don't get him on me for the next, you know, 15 minutes. It feels like eternity. Of course. And so finally they bring him over and, you know, you're you're crying and, you know, you see your baby for the first time and it's the best thing ever. But it's just such a horror show leading up to that moment that nobody talks about. Yeah, we see those pretty pregnancies that go perfect a plan. I had two pushes and they were out and it was perfect. And then we cut the cord and I immediately started breastfeeding and it was great. Yeah, it's not always great. And I feel that those stories also need to be told because you feel so alone when you're talking about pregnancies and those mom groups and you're like, I had a horrible one. So it wasn't great. Yeah. And I think, again, this isn't necessarily right just to scare someone. Oh, no, not to just normalize. Like, these things happen probably more than you think they do. And like you said, it can feel so incredibly isolating and lonely to kind of feel like you're sticking out in that way, but not in a way that like, you got to choose to stick out for that. Exactly. And yeah, this is not to scare anybody. Like, don't get right. If you want kids in your family, by all means. And you're able to I don't mean to get pregnant and have babies, but you know, there are those families that are struggling or, you know, didn't have pretty pregnancies or and they feel like they can't talk about them because everybody else around them just had the pretty perfect birth plan home, water, birth, whatever they chose to do. And it was exactly how they wanted. And I love that for them. And I'm so glad everything went perfect for them, that it just wasn't my experience. And it's not to say it was a bad experience. I got a really great human out of this. And you know, I learned a lot and I learned just how strong I am. And through all of this, what I never want to repeat it for myself. Now. Never again. No, thank you. Yeah. Do you feel like, as I just heard you mentioned in there, like you were able to see kind of the strength that your body was capable of? Did that shift or helped shift some of that narrative from that feeling, the feeling of failure to look at what I did, I yeah, because, you know, I ended up. Having a super awesome human and being able to say, I did it right. I did grow a human and I was able to bring life into this world, even if it wasn't perfect. And that did help with some of some of the narrative of I failed because I didn't feel this time, you know, and and he ended up being really awesome. So I absolutely. So I'm curious. Clayton, I know you mentioned a couple times your Florida family and it sounds like you, you had that ability to have a kind of a support system around you. Were there things that, looking back on it, your support people were able to do or were able to provide that, you know, as a support person that's listening right now that was really helpful for you and being able to kind of navigate this journey that, you know, give them some insight, give them some tips of something that maybe worked out for you or was really appreciated by you. Yeah. That one don't show up empty handed. If you're going to go visit either a new mom or someone who's pregnant, either bring something to do, whether it be a board game or something to take their mind off of it. Even if you're visiting someone who's recently had, you know, a loss or is going through a rough time and you want to be that support person, bring something to do to get their mind off it, or that they can talk to you while doing something else, or and or, you know, a meal that's always super helpful if you're going to be that support person, whether it's a loss or a new human being. But also don't expect to hold the baby or go with the mindset of a givers mindset of there's a pile of laundry on the floor. There's this need to be put in the laundry, or does it need to be put away? Can I have that? Because not every parent is going to want to separate from their child right away, but they would have to separate from their child in order to put that laundry in. Or and I think those were the things that were more helpful of when people would come over and bring a meal and then, hey, where's your vacuum? Can I vacuum something real quick for you while we visit and talk or yeah, you know, I didn't have the brain capacity after birthing my human to even say, yeah, could you do X, Y and Z or, hey, could you bring me this? Hey, I really need this. And so it was so helpful when people just showed up with caffeine and, and and then just said, I've noticed this needs to get done. Where is the tool to do that? Yeah. No, I just want you to. Yeah. Not how do I do that? But where are the tools? And that's a lot easier for some people to just say, oh, that's over there. Or they might say, oh, don't worry about it. Yeah, don't believe them. So just do it anyways. Yeah, absolutely. And I think you make a great point. You know often times and I totally can appreciate their coming from right that place. This is a brand new human. I'd love to meet them and I'd love to spend time with them. And sometimes we forget that parents or parents, right, is also just meeting this person on the outside, which looks very different than, you know, for the caring partner to kind of have it internally. And so these are also they're just getting to know this person that they are now being, you know, entrusted to, to raise and to grow. And so there's, there's a lot of bonding that they're also needing and wanting to do as well. So as much as your heart wants to also pick up that little baby, unless you're kind of awesome. So can you please take this child? I need to go use the restroom, that it may very well be that, like you said, kind of coming in and and supporting the household may be the best help that someone can provide. Oh, yeah. That that is some of the best things that were given to us were the days when people would come over and say, hey, I noticed that this hasn't gotten done, let me do this real quick, and then we can sit and chat. And that's those are those moments. Then when I was like, can you hold my baby while I do something else? Because they had already helped me with one way, I was much more willing to then entrust them with my new human as well and be like, I really need to use the bathroom. Or, you know, I need to shower. I need to, you know, take a walk outside. Can you just watch my human so they don't die? Absolutely. So. So true. I'm. I'm so curious. Like, if you could kind of go back in time. Is there anything that you might tell yourself in order to prepare as, as best you can for kind of that journey or anything that you would offer to anyone else who might be walking a similar looking journey that, that I think that one, it is okay to cry. They are just extras. It's not sadness, it's not happiness. It's not a bad thing. It's not a good thing. It's it's just extras. It's just your body's way of opening these. When people so often see crying as a bad thing or it's not strong or it's not, you know, insert taboo subject here. They're just extras. You know, my mom would say that all the time is it's okay to cry. They're just extras. Because so many times it was just, I'm in the grocery store. I'm not allowed to cry about this kind of bread. I'll just do it. Yeah. You don't know these people. They're not going to see you again crying. The truth is, no one cares. Absolutely. But also that, you know, there's always someone who is going through the same stuff. It may not look exactly the same, and they may not show it the same way, but there is always someone out there who has either gone through it or is going through it, or will go through it, and you can then choose to find those people, or you can choose to be that person for the next person. It just depends on who. Do you want to find the people to help you, or do you just want to be alone? I think if I had, if I had known that ahead of time, it would have been easier to go out and search for that. For people who had gone through similar situations. And I think you make such a great point that sometimes there is that fear, whether it's, it's a narrative in your head as far as if you ask for support, if you go and you seek that out, that it means something about you even more, you know, kind of like we talked about kind of that, that idea of failure or weakness or whatnot. And and you're absolutely right. That there are those barriers for a lot of people to be able to to reach out that hand and ask for that help and see what their needs are, because there's so much of this conditioning that when we state our needs, we're acting selfishly, right? We were, oh, you know, you're all about what you need. Well, what about the rest of the world? Like, goodness gracious. Like, I think that there is enough for everybody's needs. Like, really core needs to be met. It's that willingness. It's that compassion and that grace to be able to extend that and leave space for for people that are asking for support because you take a lot of gumption to be able to say, actually, I do need help. Yeah. And and that is not a weakness. It is a strength to it. It takes a very strong human to realize, hey, I can't do this all on my own. I do need help. I think it almost takes a stronger person to realize that than it does for someone who just tries to power through on their own. Were there any resources or support services that you found, that were really helpful to you that maybe other people don't know? Well, I mean, I used a bunch of different mom apps, but one, I think it was that you had a baby list or baby center. I honestly don't remember the name, but it was one that, there were different, like, moms chat groups, and you could search by different, like, issues. And so I just wanted to type in my uterus, a whole group of people who had like, uteruses popped up. And it was we were able to just chat about issues we had together. And okay, that was amazing. I was like, I, I, of course, have deleted all my pregnancy apps because I don't plan on ever doing that again. And I don't, but I think it was either like baby center or baby was there one of those mom tracking pregnancy things that you can like get on a chat group or whatever? Okay, so don't be afraid to search different apps or, you know, groups or even just online and say, you know, buy Cornwood or whatever your issue is or what your needs are. Support group, you know, you never know what's going to come up. I think me through Disney, they have a really great, system of support for, like if you need to just talk to somebody, there's a, there's a, number we can call. So I don't know if there's, like, a national number that people can call. I know that there's, like, the suicide prevention hotline. We call that on in case it, yes. Sometimes you just need to talk to somebody, and it's not because, you know, you're suicidal. It might you need someone to listen, and they do a really good job at that, too. You. And so sometimes it's just, hey, I'm not thinking about suicide, but I definitely am not in a good place. And so they can talk to you about that too. You. And I think that's that's a great point. Yeah. Yeah. And the crisis hotlines, there's tons of different ones. There's ones for military families. There's ones for, you know, suicide hotlines, there's ones for LGBTQ. There's, you know, don't feel like you failed if you have to call those numbers because you didn't feel you're being super strong and you're realizing that, you know, you need to talk to somebody, you need that extra help. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing that. So definitely, again, all of those resources will be in the show notes for anybody who who maybe say, hey, this resonates with me and I and I would like some of that support. Because you're absolutely right. It's the more we can put that word out there, the more that we can normalize asking for help, seeking out support. Hopefully, you know, I can reach my I. I said it multiple times, that dream of being out of a job, right? Because everybody is out and thriving and being awesome. And so some of the ways is asking for that support. Learning the skills, learning, really unlearning. Maybe some of those ways of avoiding and not talking about these issues. Yeah, yeah. Jillian, thank you so much. So I've got my Grammy and we just put this on. Right. Is that what I'm hearing? Yeah, yeah I do, I do a big old scoop race and you just scoop it on your race however much you're in. Okay, I do, so I know that there were green onions. And you just do you normally mix it in or sprinkle it on top so that it kind of keeps its integrity? It doesn't get all that. What do you do? We if we have them, which we don't always have them. Sometimes I just use, freeze dried chives. Those were great. You can get those at Sam's Club or Costco. Okay. Honestly, a lot of this stuff can be substituted for other things as well, but, yeah. So we just sprinkle them on top that way we don't get all the mixed in and whatnot. But I'm just finishing steaming my rice. Yeah, that. So how are we looking at you? Oh, that looks beautiful. You did this? Things. I'm so excited to try this. And I know that Josh, you know, my partner was like, hey, make sure you make extra for dinner. So he's super excited to try it. It's such a good one. And we love it. The first time we tried it, Tony Tony does not cook. Can't cook to save his life. Never has been able to. We also. We all have our strengths. Definitely washing dishes. We. That was one of the rules when we got, when we started dating and then got married is I will cook you every single meal if I never have to wash a single dish. And he was like, dang, this sounds like a great plan. Next. So, he, lovingly does all the dishes, and I love it because I never. We did this one of the first meals that I ever cooked for him, and he was just astounded, like, it's such a good flavor and it just tastes so good. You can add a little gold using. If you're feeling a little spicy, you can switch it up with some fish sauce. If you want to have a little more savory, like, y'all can just go crazy with it. Depending on you know how you're feeling. If you don't like, Ginger, leave it out. If you're not a big fan of, you know, garlic. I don't know why, but you can also leave that. It's so versatile, you can't really mess it up. And if you don't have molasses or you don't feel like getting molasses, you can use, brown sugar if you have it, because brown sugar is just white sugar with molasses in it. And it does just about the same thing. Very cool. Okay, I love it. And I love the facility because that helps, right? That helps with the parent life. When oh yeah, you just don't have the time because that's that's the theme, right? You don't have the time. And parenting is hard and you're doing 50 million things at once. Yeah. And this is definitely one that everybody loves to eat. We all love to eat this. Even in, one and a half years old. He loves eating this one. He will ask on a regular basis when I ask him, what do you want for dinner? He goes, plastic potstickers beef back, and it's like you, plastic and beef. Okay, that sounds great, but you love it. Oh, thank you, Jillian, so much for being willing one to teach us this recipe. And two, to be willing to pull back that curtain and share your story and shine the light on these areas that need more light and need more space and time. Because they are real and they do exist. And they're incredibly scary and lonely when you're going through it and you feel all alone. Yeah. So thank you so much. And thank you for being a guest on our show. And so everyone out there watching again, remember, check out our show notes for any of this resource is and we'll see you next time. If you or anyone that you know is struggling with any of the topics that we discussed in today's episode, make sure to check out our show notes for support and resource ways you can get help. Thanks again for joining us on today's episode of The Real Family Eat. If you're a parent ready to share your real life parenting story, make sure to reach out to us and our website found in the show notes. And that goes for today's recipe social media's support and resources. All of that can be found in our show notes, so make sure to check them out and make sure to follow, like, share, subscribe, and stay up to date on all things the real family eats. I hope you'll join us next time for more food for thought and thoughtful food! Enjoy your eat.