Surviving Pre-Eclampsia: Kelly Parker’s Journey + Sweet Tiger Butter Bars

In this heartfelt episode, Kelly Parker, mom of one and Marriage and Family Therapist, joins Reesa Morala, LMFT, to share her emotional journey through pre-eclampsia and having a NICU baby. Kelly opens up about the fear, frustration, and challenges of coping with a pregnancy complication and the struggle of feeling like her body “failed” her during this critical time.

As they discuss parenting challenges, support systems, and resilience, Kelly also shares her delicious Tiger Butter and 7-Layer Bar recipes—sweet treats perfect for lifting spirits and bringing families together.

Subscribe, like, and follow for more real parenting stories, helpful tips, and comforting recipes!

💬 What's been a parenting challenge you've faced? Share your story in the comments!🍫 Tried the recipe? Let us know how it turned out!

Find Kelly at: https://headway.co/providers/kelly-parker?utm_source=pem&utm_medium=direct_link&utm_campaign=83138

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7 Layer Bars

INGREDIENTS:
1/2c butter (melted)
1 1/2c crushed graham crackers
1 6 oz semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 6 oz butterscotch pieces
1 1/3c flaked coconut
1/2c chopped walnuts
1 14 oz condensed milk
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Preheat oven at 350F degrees.
2. Grease or line with parchment paper a 13x9 baking pan.
3. Mix melted butter with graham crackers and line the pan.
4. Layer the following: chocolate, butterscotch, walnuts, and coconut
5. Drizzle condensed milk over the pan.
6. Cook for 30 minutes or until melted and slightly browned.

Tiger Butter

INGREDIENTS:
1lb white chocolate, broken into 1-in pieces
1c chunky peanut butter
1c (6 oz) semi-sweet chocolate morsels
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Melt and mix white chocolate and peanut butter until smooth and creamy.
2. Spread in a pan covered with parchment paper.
3. Melt chocolate and drizzle through other mixture.
4. Refrigerate until firm.

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If you or your loved one is struggling with any of the topics discussed, here are some resources:
Postpartum Support International:  https://www.postpartum.net/ 

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Disclaimer:
The content provided on this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or treatment. The views and opinions expressed by the host(s) and guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the podcast. 

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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a couples counselor for parents providing therapy in person in Murrieta, CA and virtual couples therapy in California. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!

Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!

For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com

If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988

Go to your local hospital or call 911

Transcript

0:00

Every time I saw one of those moms, I was like, it's not fair. Like, it's not fair that I'm here. Like watching my daughter struggle to breathe and to eat getting jaundice and all of these things. And they have a totally healthy baby. Like, what did I do? Hey everyone, thanks for joining me. My name is Reesa and I'm your host. We are talking to real families about real stories here on the Real Family Eats, where we've got food for thought and thoughtful food. So let's eat! All right, my guest today is Kelly. Hi, Kelly. Thanks so much for joining us. Thank you for having me. Yes. I am so excited to hear and have you talk about your recipe as well as your story. But first, for everyone that doesn't know you, can you introduce yourself for us? Yeah. So my name is Kelly Parker. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. And I have worn many hats over the years, but, what kind of brought me here today is I have started working in infertility and perinatal mental health after my own journey, which we'll talk about today. And so I have sort of two hats still I work, solo in a private practice doing work with moms, perinatal mental health couples, parents, who are experiencing postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, those kind of things. And then I also work with a wonderful company counseling with Joey that does, infertility based third party reproduction services. So we work with parents who are before their journey, who are utilizing a sperm donor, egg donor, surrogate, going through IVF, IUI. And, we work with the parents and also the surrogates and donors. Wow. Yes. Okay. So for anybody that needs any of those services or needs support, are there social media handles or websites that they can find this information on? Yeah. So to find my, perinatal mental health individual practice, I am right now just on Psychology Today and I use a platform called headway, which is an insurance based platform, because that was really important to me. Okay. And then for counseling with Joey, we have a website counselingwithjoey.com And then I also have, social media through counseling with Joey. That's Kelly underscore counseling. Joey. Okay, perfect. So make sure to check some of that out if that applies to you. All right. So tell us what recipes I know we've got two recipes going today. So tell us a little bit about them. And why. Why did you bring these recipes for us. Yeah. So I, I struggled with this part because I'm a recipes person. So I do a lot of online recipes. But these are actually really personal to me. So as I was growing up, my mom, every Christmas and holiday season for our teachers and like, friends and for us, would make these candies. These are just two of, like, five, six, seven that she would make. But these, I thought were two that are very budget friendly, very easy to make. You can do these with kids. So I thought this would be perfect for this form. Wonderful. Okay. So which one are we starting with first. So we're going to start with this seven layer bar. Because this is just kind of throw everything together and stick it in the oven and wait for it to be done. So I thought that would be a good start. Okay. So tell me kind of what steps I'm doing first and I'll get started. Yeah. So we're going to start with the graham cracker layer on the bottom which this has graham crackers and butter. And then you're going to put in the just sprinkle all over the chocolate chips. The butterscotch chips, the coconut, the walnuts. And then once that's all kind of in a layer, I'm looking like you want you pour over the condensed milk. Okay. Perfect. Yeah. So all I do that I know you've had quite a journey you just mentioned even kind of alluded to it. Yeah. And so I'd love to kind of hear what, what led you to the passion work that you've been doing? Yeah. So, my journey started in, early 2021. My now husband, we were not married at the time, but my husband and I were wanting to have a baby. And so we, started on that path, and we actually had better luck than I anticipated. I am always so an anxious person, so I anticipated having a harder time getting pregnant. It was a few cycles, but, But nothing difficult at the beginning. Which is very different. I mean, there's a population that you work with. Absolutely. I imagine that those folks that it doesn't quite. Yeah. Come as easy. Absolutely. So yeah, I got very, very lucky. And I recognized that even before I started working in the population, I'd have friends who've had trouble getting pregnant. So, I very much recognized that it was easier than I thought. And I always have had some kind of body issues, so I was worried I would have, like, all the worst symptoms of pregnancy. And I didn't experience that either, which was a big shock to me. I obviously have some symptoms. I was really tired, but overall, through most of my pregnancy, I, was feeling really good. And I was very proud of my body for what it was doing. Okay. And then when, I was a few months into my pregnancy, towards the end of the second trimester, we found that my dad had terminal cancer. So that really kind of was a stressor that in hindsight, I was not dealing with as much as I should have been. Can you say a little bit more about that? Yeah. So I like I had sort of compartmentalized in my mind my pregnancy and my dad being sick and getting cancer. Like I was like, well, these things aren't connected because I'm feeling really good pregnancy wise. But I wasn't really acknowledging how much stress his diagnosis was putting on our family and like, my body and, and I and I'm like, absolutely not blaming that. It's just one of the things that was going on at the time. And I think in hindsight, I would tell myself to like, start seeing a therapist and figure, okay, it was just something that it was just as unacknowledged stress. I really was separating them in my head. So, and on top of that, I had a very, very stressful job at the time. I was working in, like Government County mental health, and I was a management manager position and that so it was a lot of stress. And again, like, compartmentalize that over here. So, like, head work over here. I had my dad and then I had the pregnancy. And for me, I was like, well, I feel good in the pregnancy. So none of these are related. Like they're not coming back to each other. Yeah. And my body decided different. So at my, it was technically supposed to my 30 week appointment, but we were a little bit behind schedule, so it was I was exactly 31 weeks. I went to my 31 week doctor appointment, and I had a high blood pressure reading, which was the first one. Okay. But she seemed worried. I still wasn't. I was like, oh, it's fine. Like it's one it's. Yeah, it's the doctor. The doctor's making me nervous. Whatever. Yeah. So I went home. She told me to monitor at home. I wasn't able to get a blood pressure cuff to the next day, so when I did, at lunchtime, it was still high, and I was like, wow, it's hot outside. And, like, I was working today, and I was still kind of making excuses, but I was starting to be a little nervous because it's 24 hours later and I was at home. Okay. And then I, did another reading an hour later and it was still high. And so then I really started to get worried, and I called the, like, labor and delivery triage or the hospital, and they're like, you know what? Monitor do another reading in an hour, and if it's still high, then come down like try to do things for the next hour to like, calm down because I know you're probably panic right now. So try to bring yourself back down. And that doesn't help the notice that, and so I, I did I did another reading. It was still high. So we cracked that because I was not at all prepared to go to the hospital that day. So we had the bag, and went down to the hospital. Okay. And it was still very high when I got there. So, unfortunately, that was a one of the harder moments of many. But that initial kind of intake into the hospital was very scary. I'd never been to the hospital for myself. Never, like, never broken a bone or, like, had to go to a hospital for any reason. So being wheeled back in triage, they have like multiple nurses in they're all trying to like ask me questions and do put Ivy in and all of the things. And I just kind of lost it. And this really wonderful nurse kind of paused everyone and slowed everything down. But it, it was just sort of the start of wonderful nurses that it was stressful from sort of the get. So, so they checked me in, they monitored and checked my blood pressure every 15, 20 minutes all night with no change. So no sleep. No sleep, for me, no sleep for my husband. And we just kind of were waiting. And I still in the back of my mind thought like, well, it's okay. Like, I'm going to it'll calm down and like, they'll maybe they'll give me some medication and I'll go home. Can you tell me more? Kind of. Yeah, because I heard you multiple times. Like, it sounds like you went through a couple of different states of mind. You know, first, I heard you mention kind of that wheeling back and some of this year that I kind of started to say. Yeah. And then still, as you mentioned there, checking, you know, you're admitted there checking your blood pressure. And, you know, you kind of talked a little bit about still still your brain was kind of working overtime, it sounds like, to convince you kind of know, you know, we're all good. Can you kind of talk us through that thought process and like what was going on for you upstairs? Yeah. It was I will say that part other than, like, I remember that panic moment where the nurse had to sort of stop everything, it's a it's kind of a jumble and a bit of a blur, because I just remember feeling like this isn't happening. Like this isn't right. Like, that was the theme going on for the next week and a half months. But it was more like, I just remember sort of feeling really out of control all of a sudden. And I went from like one day being really proud of my body to like, what's happening. And that was tough. And then the other piece that really was confusing for me and why I kept thinking, like, this will be fine. I'll go back to I'll go back home. They're going to release me soon. Yeah, because I had no other symptoms of preeclampsia other than the high blood pressure readings. Can you tell that for anybody listening? Kind of what is that and what are some of the signs that maybe you you were saying, you know, I wasn't seeing any of these other things. Yeah. So preeclampsia is sort of the next step. Not the last, most severe, but the next step with high blood pressure. So what happens with preeclampsia. Typically the signs are like extreme swelling of your feet and your they kept asking me if I had headaches obviously high blood pressure readings. And then ultimately what happens for me is I eventually had protein in my urine, which means that my kidneys are shutting down. So eventually preeclampsia leads to, like, organ failure, which can lead to like, help syndrome as well, which is even more severe. So I didn't get that far because I was still in the hospital when all of this happened. But, yeah, it's it's pretty scary. And also in hindsight too scary that I if I hadn't gone to the doctor that day and had that high blood pressure reading and started monitoring myself, I would have had no other indication personally that I was having high blood pressure, at least at that point. Then the whole time I was in the hospital never got the headaches or the swelling or any of it until after my daughter was born. Was it something that you were aware of that was even kind of on your radar? Not yes and no. You told me at the beginning of my pregnancy, because of my weight and my family health history, that I had, I was at risk for high blood pressure. Gotcha. But I hadn't known anyone of my family or, like, at that point, I didn't know I had friends. I did, but I didn't know at the time that I had a friend who had preeclampsia. So I wasn't it wasn't something majorly on my radar that I felt like I needed to be hyper aware of. What it. Yeah. And so imagine that, you know, it's it's not uncommon for us. I remember even with both my boys. Yeah. You get some of those pamphlets right when you go in and they tell you a little bit about, oh, here are some things to look out for. But I, I honestly can't even remember that for my own two pregnancies that, you know, people may not be aware that those are things that we need to be aware of. One and kind of what are some of those signs like, truly, that they ought to be kind of looking for that magic, kind of that deer in the headlights idea when this not all of a sudden kind of comes crashing to a halt. Yeah. In your journey. Yeah. Well, and not just that, but they kept kind of asking the same questions of headaches for me. They kept checking my feet, and I still had none of it. So I was like, well, it must not have it that bad because all these things I'm saying no to all the time. And then by day, like 3 or 4, they had me on some medications. I got my blood response. I was like, I'll be fine. And so and we can get to that part. But it just still didn't seem real. If I had headaches or my feet were really full and I was like, okay, well, all these things you're asking me that matches what, like I'm feeling. So that makes sense. So it wasn't it was sort of another. And I battled with the for a while after like another way my body kind of let me down and not warning me that something was happening internally. And it really kind of made me question like, well, my body warned me if there's something wrong. And so that was kind of a fear as well that sort of developed. Absolutely. Gosh. Okay. So I think I'm ready to go in the oven. Yeah. So we're at three 5350 for 30 minutes okay. So it's kind of crispy like and so we'll check in and sorry I will put it in okay. So what's next for us before we dive into more of the story. So this one's even easier. So we've pre melted some white chocolate and some crunchy peanut butter. Okay. And you're going to mix the two of these together actually in that one before we pour it on the tray. So you're going to mix it and get it good. And mix so that all the chocolate is fully melted. And it's all when they're together. Perfect. And so then once I mix this. Yeah. You're going to pour it on the sheet. Perfect. And then you're going to take the milk chocolate and just kind of drizzle it on and do whatever fun design you want in the show. Yeah. All right. So tell me more as I mix these. Yeah. So once I had my initial kind of check in, they monitored me there. They put me on magnesium, which anyone who's been on is not fun. And the intention of the magnesium was to try to bring my blood pressure down. So that's usually like. Well, at least that's what they told me. That's how people go on magnesium. So I, was on that for 24 hours. And then after the 24 hours, I was, it was like 5 or 6 hours later, the middle of the night. And I was feeling some like what felt like indigestion. And so I had called in my nurse and she'd given me some indigestion meds. And hours later, like it hadn't changed. I was still feeling some, like, pressure on my chest. So then they said. I told the nurse because I was like, now at this point, I'm like any weirdness in my body. Like, I don't know what it is I don't trust. Like back to the theme. I don't trust my body anymore. So anything that feels strange, I'm just going to tell the nurse I'm already here. So, so I told her and this was keep in mind this was September 2021. So still Covid protocols. Yeah. And, I even though I had done a Covid test the night before when I had intakes in the E.R., they did full Covid like face suits, to come in and do a Covid test because they were worried it was like some kind of indigestion or infection or something. I did that I did not have Covid, but, it sort of led us down this rabbit hole of like, well, it's not this, and it's not this and it's not this. And in the end, I was being monitored by a cardiologist because they were just worried about this fluid on my lungs that had developed. I've talked to people in research since, I don't know that this is a normal side effect of magnesium for people or just something that happened to me, but it was just strange timing that I finished it. And so I don't know, I'm not just, something medically, something medically weird happened while I was in the hospital. And so in my care, they had sort of started they were still working on the blood pressure issue, but now I also had this added, like cardiologist who was coming in every like six or so hours to check on me. And ultimately they wanted to do, to monitor my heart and make sure it wasn't any heart issues. So they moved me from the maternity unit because they thought I was stable enough over to the medical unit, and I was being followed for I was like 24, 36 hours with in the General Medical Hospital. And then they were sending over someone every first it was like 2 to 3 hours, and then it was four in a six to monitor baby. Wow. And so that was much calmer, actually, and a little bit easier. I wasn't hearing people have their babies next door, which was kind of a relief. Like I was like you say, yeah. So when I was checked in, I was on the labor delivery delivery floor. So I'm hearing people like in labor through the walls, like, and then baby screaming that they're having their baby. And that was a different kind of trigger of I don't want that to be happening to me. Like, I don't want to be here at 31 week having my baby. Yeah. And so hearing other people who I mean, I don't know if they were having healthy deliveries or not, you know, I have no idea. It's just people in here, no one else. But it was kind of a relief to be on a medical unit where I'm like, this is a medical platform, and my baby's not coming, so I can just hang out here. Do you think it was a little bit not only a relief because you're not hearing other folks, but that maybe it was also for you? Yes. It's a medical issue we need to attend to for myself, but it's not indicative of something kind of happening. The baby. Yeah for sure. Like I just felt better that like, okay, this isn't a baby issue anymore. This is my body's doing something weird. So maybe we'll get to go home. And that actually was the conversation. So the last what I thought was going to be my last day and turned out to be my daughter's birthday, in the hospital, they were talking about discharging me. I was I was going to be discharged for sure from the medical unit. And then the maternity side was coming over to check on me regularly. But that morning urine sample was the one I had to me. Or my indicator my kidneys are shutting down and I still didn't know

until like 3: 20:22

00 in the afternoon. Right? Yeah. So they had gotten my results probably sometime in the morning. Came to talk to talk to each other like because I had the high risk baby doctor and the OB who is who ultimately delivered my daughter come together over to the cardiology wing to talk to me about the fact that I was going to be having a C-section. That's. Yeah, that was that. That sounds incredibly scary. Yeah. I have this, you know, bunch of white coats. I mean, that in itself, I feel like for, for folks can get the anxiety. It can just go through the roof. Now you're, you're seeing all these people who who are there, and then you know, like I wasn't there, but I imagine the faces weren't necessarily kind of sunshine and unicorns and rainbows. And so, I mean, is that. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So it was it was also interesting because I had kind of calm myself down a bit, being on that floor. And they had stopped checking on baby as frequently. So I had started to sort of feeling at one end of being false sense of security that everything was fine. And then all of a sudden it's like, you know, a small team. It was two of them. But like in my mind, it's like these two doctors, like coming in and be like, just kidding. Again. Everything you thought you knew about this pregnancy in your body, taking it back again because your kidneys are shutting down. And, I do a light just drizzle like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, perfect. Like that. And so yeah, it was, it was, it was really kind of intense and, and also I think something again, in hindsight, I asked some questions, but I was so not prepared for delivering her 31 weeks, even with all of this scare that like one of the things I didn't ask is why I had to have a C-section. Not that that was the worst part. I actually, before all of this happened, I anticipated I was going to need to have a C-section this year. Yeah, my family just has a history of C-section. So it was something that like, again, my anxious mind had been like, oh, you're prepared to have a C-section. This is something that all of your family members do. And and they struggled through like 24 plus hour levers before getting to a C-section. And I just saw devastated they were weren't I was like, I'm not gonna let that happen to me. I'm not gonna be devastated after a C-section and I wasn't I'm still not devastated to have that C-section, but I have no idea why they insisted on a C-section like that part wasn't explained to me very well. Okay. And I didn't ask enough questions about, like, why I couldn't just be induced and go into labor. Like, I still don't really know that piece. And maybe they had a good justification. I just didn't ask about it. Well, and I imagine that your state of mind, mate, we talk about it, in the professional world thing, you're you're not necessary up in your frontal. Well, which is for those of you that don't know, right up in here. Yeah, that's got your logic. That's got your rationality, I imagine in that state, yes. Although you have that part of your brain, wasn't fully online at that point to be able to think, okay, here's all my questions. Let me kind of think really, really rationally about this. Absolutely. And it's something that I like how I would change that now. And what I kind of consider is like having a, extra support person. So the other thing I didn't mention is I had been in the hospital four days for four days at that point, and we thought I was going home. So I sent my husband home because it was a Monday to go to work, because he only had really limited PTO and so so I was at the hospital by myself, anticipating he was going to come after work and just pick me up, take me home. That was sort of our talked about plan when we had talked in the morning and the night before when he left. And so one thing that I really was I didn't have was somebody else there to support and answer those questions for me when my next was not working. And so like people can now like hire does like even for C-sections, you can still have a doula and you can have a postpartum during like those are things I've looked into more now to, that I would probably do differently in future pregnancies, even if it's a totally planned C-section and I get to full term and I get to a planned C-section, I still will probably have a doula who can, like, support me in answering asking questions, somebody who's like, more experienced with labor and delivery than me. And you know and knows what I would want, ideally from even a planned C-section. So it's something that was, a learning point, at least in this part. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So do I put this. I would still like then I run a knife through and just do kind of a fun swirly bit. That's the last piece that. Okay. And then this will go in the fridge. All right. Yeah. So. Yeah. So then that came the longest three hours of my life. Because they told me at three and obviously I called my husband, who, had to then go. He had a

3: 25:39

00 work meeting and had to go in and go. I have to go. I'm having a baby today. And, and we lived an hour from the hospital, so he, we'll get to this, but he barely made it,

for 6: 25:50

00. And then, and then I called my family to tell them. And so it was, like a shock, obviously. It was just like, for me, we really thought that we would be going home, and so did my family. So then I just kind of had several hours processing it by myself for a, very well-meaning nurse telling me her story, which was not a super helpful one to hear while I was waiting for my C-section. Again, I think her intention was really wonderful, but hers had ended in a hysterectomy because of bleeding, and she only one. And I was like, I really am stressed enough. Like in my mind. But again, with like, I'm also very much a people pleaser, so I was not going to cut off her story. But I just was I was panicked, and so then they came and kind of wheelchair me over back to the maternity unit, and I was back on the like, sort of intake side labor delivery floor for about five minutes while they prepped me for the C-section. And, when my husband got there, and. Yeah. And then like, the biggest message I kind of was telling myself over and over again as we were going into a C-section was like, this isn't right. And I just kind of kept telling myself, like, she's too early. Like, this isn't right. She's not going to be okay. And they reassured me that 31 weeks was not terrible. She had a good chance of surviving, like, and not having long term health complications. But you don't know that. And I've never seen it, you know, other than, like, pictures of people online posted their premature babies, like, never seen or held a very small baby. And so I like that was just sort of the message over and over. So I'm kind of thinking that as they will me into the C-section room and then the C-section was after she came out, was like someone uneventful again. Like that was the part I was anticipating. Okay, so the C-section, while we're in, I'm like, oh no, I know what this feels like. Wasn't the traumatic part for me, other than it was just happening too early in my house. Like, this should be happening eight weeks from now, not today. Yeah. And so then I, she came out screaming, which actually made me feel a little bit better because one of the things they were about, they had given me a story that when I first got there to help her lung development, because she was a little in case I had to deliver early. And they told me that if I had left the hospital, they probably would have given me another four weeks later. We just didn't get that opportunity. But she came out yelling, so that was a relief. But then they kind of held her up to the plastic sheeting that was between us, and then she was gone. And so, I didn't get any. That was the other thing. In hindsight, I would ask, like, she's crying. Can I just like, you know, give her a kiss or, like, touch her really quickly before they take her down to the next you? Because then she was tied to tubes and like, I couldn't hold her for another, it was like, two days. Almost two days. So. So I was like, if I could like that is, again, even if I have another preemie, if they come out crying, I'm going to advocate, like, can I just tell her I love her before she goes downstairs like that? Something that again, I didn't know to ask, like didn't even think of in the moment and would do differently. But they took her down. I had my husband go down and and then the rest of the C-section was uneventful. For the most part, I was a little bit of blood, but not enough. I needed any additional medical support. And then to the recovery unit. So, so I was kind of holding it together better than I anticipated initially. And the recovery has been the sending me pictures of her, and then he'd come up and check on me and then he go back down. He was kind of going back and forth between the two of us. Well, I just kind of weaned off the anesthesia enough that I could. And then they rolled me downstairs, like in the hospital bed, to see her, and held her. And that was the moment where everything kind of flipped for me. Seeing her, like, in reality, hooked her everything. And breathing tubes. I couldn't see her face because it was just totally covered with, CPAp and and like, seeing how tiny she was in comparison to, like, all of our hands, was the sort of switching moment for me. And when we got, when I got real back up to the recovery room and I was kind of processing everything I knew then, that I was going to struggle with, like, postpartum depression and anxiety from this. Like, I know that. Like why? Like so first and foremost, I have a history of depression, anxiety. So I knew going in that that was a risk factor for me of having depression, anxiety after pregnancy. And then this like in my mind, I was like, this is this was traumatic. Like, this is birth trauma. And I knew that sitting in my hospital bed the same day and I was like, this is not I'm going to try to get myself the support I need, but I know that I'm not going to feel good for a while. Like, this is not going to do this is not going to sit well with me and like my mental health, not being able to like, be with my like I'm in I'm in a unit in the hospital. That's for people with like hysterectomy because the recovery floor was too busy and the moms who have their babies got to be up there. And I was on the floor with people who eventually a couple other pregnant ladies who also have babies in the neck. You joined me on that floor while I was there for four days, but I was like the only post partum person on that floor. And it was so quiet and isolating. And so I just. Yeah, I cried and then I actually emailed an old therapist. But like, in processing it more, I, I really felt like I wanted to work with someone who was a mom and had experience with, like, maternal mental health because I knew that was the direction I was going. Why was that important to you? That it was someone who is also a mom? Because I wanted someone who could relate in the like. I mean, if they had like a weird trauma or whatever, like whatever their experience was. And I learned later, a lot of the therapists drawn to perinatal mental health had their own some kind of experience postpartum or like infertility or birth trauma or postpartum depression, anxiety, like somewhere on that spectrum. And I, I knew I was going to have like want someone who had experienced some of those similar things to me, because I knew I was going to need someone I could relate to. And so I did reach out to my therapist. But then once I got home, well, after she got out and Nikki really, because that was sort of the main focus, I then started searching for a therapist. So, so I can get into that more too. But that was a two year difficult journey to find the therapist to work with now. But yeah, but I knew then that I was going to need support. I just didn't know where to get it other than finding a therapist. Now I know many more resources I would have given myself at the time, but yeah, but that back then, I just didn't know what to do, so. And how was that for you? So, you know, I heard you mentioned, you know, four days in the hospital, but then I imagine you're still going back. Yeah. So she so it was four days in the hospital before she was born and the four days after because I had a C-section. So they keep you for four days. Plus, I still was having the fluid on my lungs. And cardiologist was the last one to clear me to leave the hospital, actually. Okay. So, so, yeah, leaving, the hospital on day four, was horrible. And driving away especially I had the four days I was there. I would get wheeled down to the you for the first couple of days. So I was able to walk down there by myself the last kind of day and a half. But, I would see you have to like you come out of the elevator and it's the same elevator everyone is coming out of, and I would see these moms with their babies at the exit waiting to leave. And I'd see that every time. I'd not only, like, come down from my room, but even when I came back, I'm coming through that same door. What was going through your head as far as that narrative? I feel like so many of the stories that we're hearing from parents are that, you know, there's this stereotype, this is what parenting looks like. And to kind of see that the other parents in real life. Yeah, kind of having maybe the quote unquote traditional experience for you that not be your experience. Yeah. Can you talk me through that. Yeah. So that was another really challenging part of my journey. And like my mental health at the time, because every time I saw one of those moms, I was like, it's not fair. Like, it's not fair that I'm here. Like watching my daughter struggle to breathe and to eat and getting jaundice and all of these things, and they have a totally healthy baby. Like, what did I do? And so it was a lot of self-blame for me. It was it was my fault. I got preeclampsia. It was my fault that she was there for an early like it was a very negative narrative. And watching all these moms leave, like with what, at least from appearance, looks like they're healthy babies was a very hard picture to continue to walk through, like multiple times a day, day after day. And, and I remember, there was a lady, I think she was like a new grad mom. Okay. When I went to check in one of the patients there, she was like, you're going to get to go soon. And I'm like, like in my head, I was like, thank you. Like, I just said that to everyone. But I was like, it doesn't feel like it. Like it would make you feel like the longest days of your life, and it feels like it's never going to end. And so even the moms who I knew were like relating to me because they were watching me check in and like, they were just they were dropping off snacks, and they were so appreciative of the nurses that they, like, knew what I was going through. I still like feeling very isolated. Yeah. And so it was. Yeah, it was tough. And I, I didn't really rest until the very end when she was about to get discharged. And then if you, if, when I stopped kind of doing the comparison game. But it was she was there for 34 days. So it was three full weeks of like sort of this isn't still not right. Like why, why did this happen? And it's a struggling to watch those moms. You had to have that be the the daily. I hear you saying, you know, 3040. Is it that I mean, if you think about it in the grand scheme of things, if you're brain and our brains are so good at telling us, you know, critical things about ourselves and about the world and to kind of have that happy happening daily. Yeah. Imagine just, gosh, the toll that that would take on on your sanity when it's not just like once a day, it's like when I was in the hospital, I was going down to the neck you 4 to 5 times a day at least. Like I go up there like rest while she was sleeping, and I try to come back. And then when I was visiting her, after we left the hospital, it was like, I go in and I see somebody leaving with their baby, and then I come out to get a snack because you can't eat or drink in the urine. I see somebody else living with their baby, and it was just like a constant reminder of when I wasn't doing that. Like, I have to go back in and see my daughter continue to struggle, like medically and, you know, not go home. And so and even that, like the picture you have of like leaving the hospital with your baby where you like, are wheeled out in your carrying baby and like the dad is following or other parent is following, like all the supplies. And the nurse isn't like I didn't get any of that either. Oh wow. So because it was 34 days later so that I didn't even get to carry my own baby out of the hospital, the nurse had the hospital policy carry her out of the hospital and handed to me to put in the car. So like, there were so many moments that were just kind of lost in my like first time parenthood that where it was just like grief, like after grief of this like experience not being at all what I had imagined since I was a kid wanting to have kids. So, yeah. So that was that was tough. That was a part of it, for sure. I'm curious, like for you, how how do you survive that? I mean, honestly, I, I don't know exactly. I was just kind of one foot in front of the other every day. What actually helped more than I thought was sharing my story. So it was like day nine, like late 90s old when I finally posted on Facebook that I had had her, I think it wasn't day. It it took me several days to process. Yeah. And, but I shared a good chunk of my story that I had, like, preeclampsia and like, parts of it. And I had a lot of people reach out to me, even and even then, and I've had more people reach out to me since then of like, you know, thank you for sharing. Like I went through something similar with anything. And it was we talk about whether you have three queens here, like Nikki moms in this community you never thought or wanted to be a part of. But it's a beautiful community. Once you're in it. And there were other moms in the queue who were really kind, and the nurses were really kind, and I think the like and, you know, my husband was supportive and was like trying this for the best he could, not knowing what to do either. You know, if it was a journey for him as well. But but I think it was wonderful having people in your corner. I mean, I had my mom, even though my dad was really sick. My family was in Colorado at the time, and my mom flew out to drive me to the Nikki. For the first two weeks, I was allowed to drive, even though it was an hour drive. Every single day. She was driving me to the to the hospital. Because my husband still couldn't take time off work yet because he only had four weeks of paternity leave, and we were going to save that for when she got home. So which that's a whole nother a whole other issue. I'm not doing that with that. That's a whole government policy issue we're going to talk about. So yeah. But yeah. So she drove me every single day. So I think it was like people supporting that was all that got me through it because my mental health was not good. I mean, how many times I went home after the Nikki and cried or like, was crying in the Nikki because I had missed being able to hold her by like two minutes because the nurse did it right before I came in. Like it just it was. It's such, a heavy, heavy experience in the Nikki and, the other grief part and hard part and part of my, I think mental health as well, was that you don't get to be their parent. The hospital staff is their parent, and you're like a volunteer that comes in and holds them and like has to sign off documents. Like that's really how, at least for me, that's how it felt in the Nikki because they tell you when you can change them and when you can feed them, and when you can do everything. And that part of like not I mean, it really did affect like my bonding with my daughter. I think at first because not only did I not get to hold her very much and I wasn't, I was towards the end, I got to start to get to know her. But I didn't get the other than being called mom. When I walked into the Nikki, like, I didn't feel like a mom. Yeah, and and I know other people can experience that too. Even you don't have a Nikki baby. But it's very much an environment that kind of sets you up to not feel like a mom right away. And so it was you know, it was a struggle. And then it was a struggle at the end because when she started to do better and she was awful, a lot of the things I was advocating like, she's ready, she's ready to go home, like, now I know her enough that, like, I know she's ready. And they have all these policies that I understand are in place to keep her safe. But like, like there was one night I stayed overnight because that's one of the last things you do. Is one of one or both of the parents will stay in the hospital overnight and you get like a room there to, like, watch her all night and make sure she doesn't have any home Brady episodes for her. She stopped breathing. While she's especially while she's eating or sleeping. And I was laying next to her, and it's a lot of noise. And they make you lots of noises from your room, from other rooms. But I was laying next to her, like, sort of in and out of sleep, and the nurse comes in and she's like, everything okay? Like, yeah, it's fine. Like she's sleep monitor wasn't going off. Nothing. And she just leaves. And the doctor comes in several hours later and says she had a Brady episode this morning. So we have to extend three days before she can leave again. I said, what are you talking about? I've been here the whole time. And so apparently this nurse was with another kid, had seen something on the monitor that indicated she was having a Brady episode, had to log that. And that delayed our discharge for another three days. And we were like on the last day, like it was going to be the next day to discharge. So it's this constant, like, what it's like to have that, like, you know, to feel so close and then and then they go, no, no, no no, just just kidding. Yeah. It's like you're running a marathon. And they were like just kidding. Where we had it was not the end. Like, you have another five miles to go. And it was just over like and and it happens all the time. Like from the beginning it was like, oh well, we took her out. We're trying to feed her bottles. Oh, you didn't quite finish this bottle. So we have to keep the feeding tube in like all of it was that. And again, like, I understand they have policies and they have things that they need to do, but like, as mom who wants to take her home because it still doesn't feel right, she's here. Everything just felt like another setback after setback after setback. And so, so yeah, it was not something I would recommend. Oh, no. Thank you. Oh, I. Oh. You ready? Yeah. But no, it's. Yeah, it's it's even I've had friends who've gone for a couple of days because they had a baby full term, but they had like health complications. They had to be checked in on or they swallowed fecal matter or like something else. And even their experience is very like so, like more condensed now, like so I wouldn't not stay here longer. But it's, it is a very, very intense place. And and one of the things I wish they had had is I wish they had had therapists on staff to meet with us while we were. Our kids were in the McHugh I think it was. They had social workers who walked around and kind of like check in and gave resources, but it really wasn't like a therapy session where you broke down sort of crying in front of them, and then they would, like, sit with you. But that wasn't the intention. And they ran a group. But it was like if it felt to me like a group that was added, it was when the doctors were doing their rounds to get the parents out of the like. Parents weren't allowed to be in the room for that hour of the week and that's what it felt like, that this group was to just get the parents out, got it. And so I feel like, yeah, it didn't feel like a supportive space. I felt like, well, you're going to have to be kicked out anyway because the doctors in there were asking Michael, join this group. And I that didn't sit well with me and I never felt drawn to doing that. There are wonderful support groups, like Postpartum support International has an amazing like McHugh support group for parents whose kids are in the Nikki were were in the McHugh. So that's what I would do. That's the group I'd probably join for that hour when I, you know, whatever time they have. Because, it's it's not like a forced sort of situation, but, but yeah, I think that was one thing that was really missing. And maybe what helped her were like therapy resources for moms or parents as they leave the McHugh. Like, here's therapists who know how to work with yours, who've had a McHugh experience if you want it. Like, you know, I don't have it, but here's a sheet of paper like we leave you with so many papers about baby. And that's something that was one of the things like postpartum. That is why I was called to working with perinatal mental health, because there's so much focus on baby and very little focus on mom or parent. Yeah. And so there, you know, I go to the pediatrician, they're like, how are you? And it's like, do the back depression inventory that they give us that I've seen from grad school. And I like new what it was. And I'm still trying to answer honestly. And they're like, oh, it's like medium depression. So like yeah, exactly. Yeah. Like, why are you checking if you're not actually going to like, talk to me about it or provide me resources? And I had to ask for resources and then none of those resources were available. So then, like I mentioned earlier, it was a two year journey to finding my therapist because I had a therapist I work with for a few sessions that wasn't I was like, at that point I was just like, I need a therapist. She's a mom. Like good enough. And it just wasn't a fit because she just couldn't. She could sympathize with what I was going through, but it was it was so intense that I could see that it made her uncomfortable. And then I was in my then I put my therapist hat on and tried to make her comfortable. And we talked about like my family and said, or something else that it wasn't why I was there. And then it was waitlists and or they didn't take my insurance and, you know, so then it was that battle of like, how do I get myself where I know I need when there's very limited resources? Absolutely. And so, yeah, that's so difficult. First I want to have fun. Yeah. Yeah, I want our stuff. My fun niche, I love it. My mother loved it. So. Okay. Mine. I left in a little longer. Not up in the conversation. You want a little bit less okay around, but that's okay. It'll still taken some healthy chocolate and butterscotch. So. All right. And then let's check on her. Yeah. So that you just want, like, it should be a solid shot. You should be able to pick up the whole piece of it. Probably. I'll put it in the freezer. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. My mom, we grew up in Colorado, so my mom would leave these outside in the snow when she was cooking them in the winter. Okay, so yeah, so do it a little bit last 35 to 30 minutes, I think where I think we went a little bit past the 30. Okay. And so tell me, for any listeners that are listening and or watching today, what are some of those resources that are available for anybody who who can relate to the story or is currently kind of struggling with this? Yeah. So like what I love is Postpartum Support International. So after, I really started feeling drawn to perinatal mental health because of my own difficulty finding support, I started doing research. I'm like, where can I find support? And not only do they have a directory of therapists, they also offer 50 plus support groups every month with the different. I know I mentioned Nikki moms, but there's moms offering session anxiety. There's moms who've had loss, there's moms pregnant after loss. Like there's so many different categories, and there's LGBTQ groups and, like just tons of different like categories. There's dad groups or parent groups too. So they have tons of resources for groups. They also provide, like support, which what do they call it, like the peer support, for people who they either do a training or they're just somebody that's willing to talk to chat. They have a hotline specifically for mom, or they're for people experiencing postpartum that can call in if they are having difficulties. And then for therapists who are interested in this, they do like a perinatal mental health training and certificate that you can eventually do if that's something you're all to. So great. And then also, I think just for me, I searched a lot of like psychology today and the I ended up joining, insurance based platform called headway where you can search specifically for maternal mental health and infertility as a search criteria for the therapist to take your insurance. So that was a great resource. Once I found that took a while. And then just I think telling people like and telling your other mom friends, you're having a hard time. I think just talking about it and not isolating, I think that was one of my, my biggest mistakes is I was like telling people I'm like, I'm depressed. And they're like, yeah, okay. And I like, wasn't I was not expressing like what was actually going on. Like I was a therapist had like labeling it. And they're like, yeah, you're just seeing a therapist. Like it's, you know, she's fine now. She's just never say that to anyone who's having a mental, at like the oh, but now, like, it's just not helpful. But I think just talking with other. And that's why sharing my story actually has been really important to me over the last few years. I've shared it through counseling with Joey. I even shared on my like, Psychology Today profile that I'm a Nikki mom. And because it's important for me to know, for people to know that, like if they want to share their experience. Like, I may not know exactly their experience, but I know some of the feelings that they're feeling and some of the things that they're going through. And I think finding other people who in, you know, in my circle and that circle extended, after she was born and I shared my story to talk about, like, this is hard. And I find the more I talk about it, the more people I find that have a similar experience. Like I shared it in the work and someone's like, oh yeah, my son was born seven weeks premature, and we had a Nikki story about that long and, you know, and and so I find the more I talk about it, the more people like, find it to relate to. And that helps in the healing. I think knowing you're not alone in your journey. And I think what you just mentioned there, knowing that you're not alone, that's that's been the whole mission project for this podcast, because it can be so isolating and lonely. There are so many of those. There's, you know, insta perfect kind of parenting stories that I think nowadays, even even back, you know, older generations. There's those TV shows where you have this is kind of what a parent looks like. Yeah, yeah. And to be able to kind of see those things and you're you're comparing yourself. I feel like it's a natural instinct for you to go. My story doesn't look like that. So what's wrong with me? You know why? Why am I different? You know, and I heard you mentioned kind of earlier that, you know, that that narrative, it must be I caused this. So then, you know, I think most people's when you feel that that way, you know, it can lead to feeling shameful. And so then you pull inwards and, and we don't reach out. And because not, not as many people, it's not the cool thing to do to kind of share your story that's outside of the unicorn and rainbows kind of mentality that that if it does, it increases that that loneliness and isolation. Yeah. And I tell my like moms I work with and parents they work with that like social media can be a great thing, but it can also be really damaging thing because I feel like you do either see the like, sunshine and unicorns and rainbows story or you see the horror stories. And I try not to be a horror story. I feel like I have a little bit. I haven't shared some of the positive stuff today, but like, I like I find that it's either one extreme or the other. And I actually one thing that did help is I did find like, preemie moms group in a preeclampsia group. And I see both stories like, I see people who are like just looking for advice or they're sharing, like, how long they were in. And we're here for you. And, you know, and also the people who are, like, coming on and they're like, I preeclampsia with my first delivery and I did it for my second. Like it's possible. And so there's the hopeful stories that are so realistic of like this. You know, I know that you guys are worried that this is going to happen again. There's a possibility it won't happen again. And so like you give some of that hope, but you just have to approach the social media side with like some caution that people are editing their story. Yeah, in one way or another. So absolutely. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for joining us and helping us pull back the curtain to kind of actually show us these real life stories because they're out there. Yes. And they're not all sunshine and rainbows. I know, because parenting is hard. So thank you so much for being a guest on us and teaching us the recipe. Yeah, sorry, that's our butterscotch, but it's still tasty. And I was I was in the story. All right. So thanks so much for joining us. We'll see you next time. If you or anyone that you know is struggling with any of the topics that we discussed in today's episode, make sure to check out our show notes for support and resources you can get help. Thanks again for joining us on today's episode of The Real Family Eats. If you're a parent ready to share your real life parenting story, make sure to reach out to us and our website found in the show notes. And that goes for today's recipe. Social media's support and resources. All of that can be found in our show notes, so make sure to check them out and make sure to follow, like, share, subscribe and stay up to date on all things the real Family. I hope you'll join us next time for more food for thought and thoughtful food! Enjoy your eat!