Starving Newborn: Reesa's Life-Saving Advocacy + Filipino Spaghetti

Join Reesa Morala, LMFT, mom of two and owner of Embrace Renewal Therapy & Wellness Collective, as she shares parenting struggles, tips, and insights alongside guest host Amanda. In this episode, Reesa opens up about the challenges of parenting a high medical needs child, including when her first baby stopped eating at three months old. She dives into how she learned to advocate for her child, developed her own version of dream feeding, and navigated the emotional toll on her wellness, identity, and marriage.  

As they discuss parenting resources, support, and strategies, Reesa shares her delicious Filipino Spaghetti recipe—a comforting family favorite. Discover how to balance the chaos of parenting with meaningful family meals!  

Don’t forget to subscribe, like, and follow for more parenting tips, relatable stories, and inspiring recipes.  

💬 What parenting challenges have you faced? Share your story in the comments!  
🍝 Tried the recipe? Let us know how it turned out!

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Filipino Spaghetti

INGREDIENTS:

1 15 oz can of tomato sauce

2 12 oz bottles of banana ketchup

12-24 boiled and peeled quail eggs

1 package of Filipino hot dogs, sliced

1lb of ground meat

Brown sugar, to taste (roughly 2 tbsp)

16 oz of cooked spaghetti noodles

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. In a large pot over medium-high heat brown ground meat. 

2. Before meat is fully cooked, add hot dogs and brown both meats.

3. Add tomato sauce and banana ketchup, scraping out the brown bits on the bottom.

4. Season sauce with brown sugar. 

5. Add cooked quail eggs and stir. 

6. Once eggs are warmed through, add spaghetti noodles and toss to coat. 

7. Enjoy! 

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Disclaimer:

The content provided on this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or treatment. 

The views and opinions expressed by the host(s) and guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the podcast. 

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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a couples counselor for parents providing therapy in person in Murrieta, CA and virtual couples therapy in California. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!

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For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com

If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest

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Transcript

0:00

Malakai stopped eating. Oh, no. Altogether. He wouldn't take breast. He wouldn't take a bottle. He wouldn't take formula. Nothing. Hey, everyone. Thanks for joining me. My name is Reesa and I'm your host. We are talking to real families about real stories here on The Real Family Eats, where we've got food for thought and thoughtful food. So let's eat. Hey, everyone. So, Doctora Amanda is back and joining us, but this time we've got a very special episode, and she is going to be your host today. And I am going to be the guest. Thank you so much for being on our show. I feel honored to be able to turn the hot seat around. Yes, absolutely. Well, I appreciate it. I thought it was only fitting, to be able to turn the tables, like you said, and show you guys that even though, again, what I do, this is what I live and breathe. I too, have had my my struggles in this parenting journey because it's a very real thing. And so I thought it only be fair. I'm asking all my guests these questions that someone else gets an opportunity to ask me the questions as well. So thank you. Absolutely. So let's hit it off. Tell me a little bit about yourself. Yeah. So my name is Reesa, and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of California. And I have been doing marriage and family therapy for, gosh, about ten years now. Practicing therapist and, I primarily work and I love working with parents and really supporting that relationship, being a parent ally. And I do that because I think, and all my work, I have found that that's really it doesn't get a whole lot of love. You know, we focus on the kiddos. We focus on maybe, like, the couple's relationship. And just some of the. When the big things happen, but not necessarily on the couple relationship when we're going through parenting and navigating some of that because it can be really stressful on the parent relationship. So that's kind of where I live, and I love to support parents and making sure that that they're thriving and that their well-being is taken care of. So that's a little bit about my work. I am a mom of two and I am married to my spouse, for 15 years. So we've been doing this, this life for, for quite some time. And so that's a little bit about me and what I do. Wonderful. Thank you so much. And I'm excited. What are you cooking up today? Yeah. So we are going to do a, a comfort food that is near and dear to my heart. We've got Filipino spaghetti. So what makes this a little bit different is, in the Philippines, we we use it in the primary source is banana ketchup. And so hold on there. Banana ketchup. Yes. Okay, so it is ketchup. Well, our version of catch up, but it's made with bananas because, so I am Filipino American, and, we lived in the Philippines for quite some time, and that's a big commodity. That's what we have. We don't really have tomatoes that we grow, but we have a lot of bananas. So we found our way to kind of be creative. I feel like Filipinos are really good at, you know, looking at what the other mainland's have and figuring out how we can make it on our own island. And so that's that's what we use. We use banana ketchup with a little bit sweeter, and then we've got our Filipino hot dogs in there. And those are red hot dogs. And although I don't know quite the science behind it, but I'm convinced that, you know, having them sliced, in this fun diagonal shape, really allows, you know, it tastes better, in my opinion. And so we've got some of that. We've got some quail eggs in there, and then we've got a ground meat which can be, ground turkey or ground beef in this particular one. We're going to use our ground beef today. Got it. And last but not least, I see some brown sugar fat. So, that's another good piece. Good comment. So, if you've ever had Filipino spaghetti, I know that we're trying to infiltrate the US. But our spaghetti is sweeter. We really like, either sweet, sour or salty things. That's a primary component. I feel, of my interpretation of my culture. And so this spaghetti is sweeter. So we use brown sugar to sweeten it up. Nice. I'm excited for this. And I think that's something that I'm going to have to introduce to my kiddos, because they're not usually fans of red pasta sauce. But if it's sweeter, there you go. That's how we're going to get it. So let's go ahead and start for most of this is just a plug and play. I'm going to be adding things. I've got my pot of water for my my noodles. It's just regular spaghetti noodles. And then I'll just start mixing. Perfect. That's all we know. What? Yes. Sounds good. Well, excited to kick off the conversation. And thank you for the wonderful intro and tell us a little bit about your culture and welcoming us with our tastebuds. Yeah, I'm super excited. But I would love to know as a mother, you know, and as a professional, what were some of the challenges that you had navigating this world? Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, I know we talk a little bit when when we do your interview about, some of the things that you kind of had in your narrative of who you were going to be and what that were to look like. And for me, I am I've kind of got this odd family dynamic. So I am technically a middle child. I have older siblings, but they are much older. And they were from my dad's, one of my dad's marriages. And so I grew up when they were in the home, I was the baby of the home. Okay. And then my younger siblings are much younger than me. So by the time my older siblings were out of the house, my younger siblings came into the picture and I, I now became the older sibling. And so I was the caretaker very much in our home. And so my identity for quite some time, I've been working with kids for as long as I can remember in all sorts of capacities. Whether it was babysitting, I used to run like a, kids youth group, in, in church and stuff like that. And so I have been around kids and being a parent was kind of that was on my plan, if you will. And so, and I've always been told, oh my goodness, you're going to such a great mother. And that was a lot of my narrative growing up and my first kiddo. So I didn't know anything at this point. I mean, my yes, I've been around kids, but I think it's a really different. Yes. When you have your own kids. Oh, yeah. Versus when you're working, when you're watching any anything else having to do with kids, it's so different and so that's what it was for me and my first kiddo really. We really went through the wringer, when pretty much right away he was having split up, but it was to the amount that you would look at it and go, is there anything else left in you? And I'm seeing this and going, this doesn't feel normal. And I mean, it was quite a bit to the point where it felt more like vomiting, less like spit up. Okay. And so I kept going to the doctor and I kept saying, I think something's wrong. He's vomiting. And of course, you know, it was. And what I've heard from many parents, your first time parent split up. It's normal. You're just overreacting. Yeah. And so I just kept getting sent back home. And it wasn't until three months of age that Malachi stopped eating. Oh no. Altogether. He wouldn't take breast. He wouldn't take a bottle. He wouldn't take formula. Nothing chills a parents first time hurt. Any parent's worst nightmare. Yes. And I, I was just beside myself because here's this, you know child that you have. And again I've got that narrative going in. Been told all my life, you're going to be such an amazing mom. And the basic need, you know, you've got Maslow's hierarchy of need, and one of them is, you know, being able to kind of be fed. Yeah, that's the most basic. And my child, I could not feed my child. Yeah. And I didn't know what to do. And so of course I go back to the doctor yet again say my child won't you. Oh he will. You're probably just not doing it right. And so I said, here's my baby. Make him eat. Please show me how I'm doing it wrong. And so they got and they were like, well, maybe, you know, it's just the breast pressure. I said, okay, by all means, try formula. At this point I was like, I just need my kid to eat whatever it is. Just I just need my kid to eat. And so in the office, well, the other thing that they started listening a little bit more is because his weight started rapidly declining, and all of a sudden they go, hey, what's going on? And I said, he won't eat. And I said, oh, well, you know, that's when the whole oh, you might be doing it wrong. Stuff. And so that was definitely very hard because you don't if you, you get like some of the, the nurses that come by and show you how to breastfeed, at the end of the day, there's it's still a, you know, your body is different. They're they're different. And so I, I read everything I'm, I'm very I like to know the facts. Yeah. So you know, my I did not get the what to expect when you're expecting book. I got I said I wanted the Mayo Clinic. Give me all the nitty gritty. I want to know it all like so. You know, I've read all the books. I've done all the homework. I love, you know, I love to be prepared. I'm such a perfectionist in that way. And so, you know, I was just beside myself, you know, and then to hear kind of, well, you're, you know, must be something you're doing wrong was really just only affirming all of those narratives of, like, this is a knee problem, that my kid can't eat. And so, they in the office, I remember very clearly. They pulled out one of those, like, little, you know, sample cans of formula that they have. And but this is the pre-mixed one. And they, they took Malachi and they went to try to feed him and they con it. And all of a sudden they went from, you don't know what you're talking about to going, I think something's wrong here. And I really I've been saying this since, like, you was three weeks old and he's now three months. And so that was when our journey of, our medical journey really started for him. And so I think that was, that was for me, especially, again, this is my I'm in the first three months of being a parent, you know, it was like, oh my goodness. And now here is all these things and we've got to figure out this battle so that I think that was probably some of the most difficult, of my parenting journey and kind of starting it off in that way. Oh, gosh. So I hear what you're saying, and, you know, regardless of the amount of experience you have with children, other people's children, daycare, nursing, teaching, everything, at the end of the day, you can shut that off, hand them back to their parents, and then you go home and you deal with whatever you're doing. 100%. So there's this on off switch, and then for it to all of a sudden become a no. This is your 100% full time responsibility. And in this vulnerable state, after having a child, just the hormonal, you know, reconfiguration of things and to have a moment where you're sharing this vulnerability with a medical professional or whoever it may be, and then say, no, the problem is you, sweetheart, like, yeah, go back and do better. No. And so I'm so grateful that you were able to continue to advocate for yourself, because in a moment like that, somebody could easily be like, I failed, I'm a failure. I'm not good at this. This is. No, but there was something wrong with your child, and you trusted your instincts and your gut, and you kept going back. But, I can't imagine that's definitely a rocky way to start a new relationship with this little being. And, you know, how did all of this affect your relationship with your partner? So in order to answer that question, I probably need to explain a little bit further out of kind of how that journey ended up progressing because we now have this big problem the child won't eat, even the doctors can't get them to eat. So we start a medical appointment. After a medical appointment, I spent so much time in urgent care ers, doctors offices. That was my world. And mind you, I'm doing this all the while being at the end of my MFT graduate program. Wow. And so I was literally I remember, you know, I would be in, in the E.R. with my notes on one side, my baby and the other trying to study for a big exam. I don't know when we're actually going to get seen in this E.R., you know, when you go in and it's it's kind of a nebulous time. And so half the time I was on sleep list going in because, again, this is the time where I'm taking all my exams to be able to pass and to be able to say, yeah, you know, you can go be an MFT. And so, you know, I'm doing all of that. And at this point, the only way that I found to be able to feed him was doing what's called dream feeds. What's that? So dream feeds are and I didn't know that there was a name for it. I just knew that I workshopped and I was able to figure this out. And it wasn't until much later that I found out that there's a word for what I was doing. Yeah. And, and that was the only way that I found to feed him was to essentially rock him to the point that he was right in that I'm about to fall asleep, but not quite asleep yet, and I would have him latch because then his, his kind of automatic system would, would kick in and he would latch fall asleep while latched and I would hand express milk into him while he slept well. And because it's slow and he's not actively participating, it took twice as long to get him fed and I would have to do weight feed. So essentially I would weigh him before I went to rock him. I would get him latched and I would hand express what I was hoping was enough food. I would weigh him while he's sleeping and try to guess about how much I was actually able to get into him. Wow. And so he was asleep for this entire thing. So you know that old saying sleep when the baby slept? Yeah, yeah. I didn't have that option. And this sounds like this is a whole other layer. Like a whole other process of feeding. It's not this, you know, the baby is doing the work and it's coming out, or you're putting the bottle together and, you know, it's a whole time consuming thing going into weighing before weighing after is are they gaining weight? Is it working? Is this enough? What happens if how are you processing all of this? Honestly, I wasn't I totally went into survival mode of just my. My kid needs to be fed. You're telling me this is my job? I ought to be able to know how to do this. And right now, this is the only way that I can get milk into him. So I'm going to do it because that's what needs to happen. There was honestly, and, you know, I don't think a whole lot of time because again, I am in the middle of this program, I'm determined because if I were to stop, that would prolong me being in school even more. And I was right, I was at the end. I could taste it. And so half the time I'm up, you know, at 2 a.m. in the morning, hand expressing on my phone, trying to study my notes in the dark, hands pressing while rocking back and forth. Because if at any moment he were to wake up enough, he would stop, he would vomit it all up and he would be done like there'd be no feeding him for, you know, a good until next nap time, essentially. And so, so there wasn't really a whole lot of time. I had many, many other things that were on my mind that I needed to do that were more important than what was going on for me. And so I see that all to then the same time, to answer your question about how it affected my my relationship with my partner, that was our lay there was not a relationship with my partner. We were he was there just, you know, would check in and when I would go to class, he would just have to to be with Malachi trying to feed him. But most of the time he can't do with a bottle what I can do, you know, while while dream feeding him, you know, and so he was working full time, but he worked from home, so he was doing all of that while having a baby who was hungry. But when me, And so by the time I get back, it was here, please feed him because he hasn't eaten all day. And so I would feed him and then it was, okay, here, you try to shove something down your throat and in between while he's away. Yeah. And then that was it. And I definitely think that for me, because I wasn't taking care of my wellness, I was on even less sleep then you you get with having a new child, you know, you get like the, the lack of sleep. But because I wasn't, I wasn't able to to sleep while he slept because that's the only time he would eat it was very few and far between. I'm taking all my exams. I'm doing all of that. But, I wasn't I don't think I was, I was there to be able to have a relationship at all. And, so it really took a toll. We were we were both in kind of survival mode. And I remember at one point, you know, I can't speak for him because I'm not in his head, but I at one point, I remember he had. He he had been doing this not eating. And then when he was up he was vomiting everything. So it's kind of this like losing battle. I would get food in him, but he would be vomiting it all up. So how much food actually stuck? You know, there were still bunches of a lot of concerns at the same time, you know, we're going to doctor's offices. And I remember at one point I just disassociated because there was nothing left. And I was sitting there and I knew I was taking care of baby, but there was like my eyes glazed over. And I remember Josh trying to talk to me, and I had nothing, I had nothing, and so I only I can only imagine what it would be like to have a partner who was not there because I, like I said, glazed over. I was not present. I was not home. And that for me, I think was in my mind, the only way I was going to survive was that, disassociation piece and survival mode. And not just, you know, having a newborn where, like you said, you're already sleep deprived and emotions and going through learning all these things and then adding a medical complication on top of that. And I can only imagine the feeling of helplessness and the feeling of like, this is what I can do and I move forward. How did you muster the strength to move forward? And mind you, still going to school? Did it ever come like, were you ever considering pausing? Were you ever considering I need this to be a better mother. What? What was going through your head through all this? Yeah. Now, in hindsight, so very much, I am a a goal driven person. When I set my mind to do something, I'm going to complete it. And I think a lot of that had to do with, some of the, you know, some of my background growing up and kind of the expectations that were put on, on me, there was a lot of chaos in our home. And so, you know, my, my role was to, to be perfect, to, to not be the problem. And so in that instance, pausing does not line up with that. That's not an option. Like you said you were going to do this same thing with with having Malachi. I think we intentionally chose to have this child. There's no pause here. There's there's no ifs, ands or buts. You're going to finish it. And you're just going to have to figure it out. And, you know, I heard you mentioned kind of the, the overwhelming piece, and it absolutely was, I think for me, some of the difficulty, too, as a result, because he couldn't, really go for long periods of time at all without vomiting. I mean, we would we would change clothes maybe six, almost ten times in a day. Wow. Because he would. And and ourselves too. Because it would be all over us. And so because of that, going out, even just for something like grocery shopping was the scariest thing in the world, because that was like, what if you vomit in public and then everybody is looking at you, and then I have to change him and then it's all over me. And so it was like it wasn't just going out for us, it was we have bags and bags even outside of like your normal. And I say normal is because it was such. I didn't realize that it was my first kid. How much stuff we had to get prepared in order to go out, and it didn't really click for me until I had my second kid who did not have the same issue, and I would go out like, I remember the first couple times that we went out with a toddler and the new baby that I'm anticipating having to do the same amount of like ten outfit changes a day, and we would come home and all of the outfits would still be there. And I was like, wait, what? Why am I not having to, like, carry all of this stuff at the same time? And so for me, it didn't really click on that. That was not typical. And so because of that, we, we very much self-isolated. It was scary to go out and do things. It was scary to. And we don't have family here, so there wasn't a whole ton of events. But I remember even just with friends, if it was longer than, you know, an hour total. And that's including travel time. We would say no because we didn't want to, you know, if he was going to vomit, at least we vomit at home. We've got a routine. We know how to handle it. It's been what we've been doing. And so that was really difficult. And I think for me, like a, a really big and I didn't realize it at the time that I was kind of struggling with that narrative, so much so of like, you know, this is this is my job. It should be easy, quote unquote. Until I remember very vividly, I was driving home from, from from class and, I was on, on the 15 freeway and it's so clear. And I was talking to my mother over, over the phone and telling her the struggle that we've been having and that how at this point, because he's not latching properly. My my nipples are chapped. There's four. I was getting clogged ducts all the time. I had, you know, all sorts of issues that were kind of stemming from that. And I was lamenting about how difficult it was. And my mom said, it's not that hard. Rissa, I used to just put you on the bed, pop my boob out and stick it in your mouth, and you would eat. I don't understand what's the what's the issue? It's not that hard. And in that moment, I said, oh my God, it's like my own mother, you know, was not offering that support, made it feel I was already feeling isolated. I'm you're feeling super lonely. And then to have this, like, compounding, it's a you probably like, figure it out. It was I remember at that point I think my shutdown went from like I was already there. It's where you've been further like I'm dying and there's nothing, nothing else. And so because of that, it didn't make it really hard to, to come out of it and to, to see some of the other side of it because as I mentioned, there was no pause. But I knew for me, pause wasn't an option that I gave myself, that I gave myself permission to do. But I also didn't know I couldn't see the other side at this point, there's two things you said that really resonated with me, and one of them being, you know, this this first time, mother, and you had mentioned that you had work with children and you're going to school to be a therapist and working with families to help them and individuals, and then to be in this situation. And you don't know what you don't know. And I say that because you mentioned the word normal. What's normal for a child? Yes, the children split up, but they're not retaining anything or not gaining weight. That just does not seem right. And you know, how much are you supposed to be changing? How much do you take out? Yes, it's scary to leave the house when you have a newborn, because all of the things that you need that you may have forgotten, and then you have to carry and where are the changing rooms? Where is all this stuff? Yep. But then on top of that, to not even realize, like you mentioned, compounding, there was so many other things on top of. Yeah, the average experience and to not know that. So that's got to be hard. Do you think everybody does this? Why can't I figure it out and why? It's just me and I share I didn't have that community around me to like, hey, you're you having the same experience or what's going on? Or did you see this? Or do you know anybody who has the scared to open up to other people? Because if you open up and they say no, you're just doing it wrong and you're failing, and that reaffirms this, oh my gosh, I really don't know what I'm doing. And and to self isolate. It's such a scary space because something I've learned is it takes a village. It really takes a village. It sure does. And you know, that is thankfully something that I've been able to learn as I continue. But you're so right. Like when you're in it, it's it's hard to do that, period. It's hard when you don't have that naturally kind of built in support system. And and the thing is, I see that. But at the same time, there are people that have physically, naturally built in support system, but it doesn't mean that they are the support people that are actually in your corner have your back. What do you mean by that? So for example, had my so my mom does not live close to me, but had she. So then it would have, you know, on the surface look like well you've got to support like you've got a community around you. Your mother's here, you know. Is that not it? However, if that same idea, you know, if those were still the messages that I'm getting, that's not necessarily support, you might physically be there, but it's still not the support that I need at that moment, etc.. Like you said, when that's those are narratives that are already in there. You know, it does make it really hard to get out of that when you don't necessarily have the support of someone championing championing you. Yeah. That hey, you've got this. How can I support you and having this? So I think that that for me is the key is not only just having a community of physical people around you, but having a community that has your mental and emotional well-being in mind as well. And how did you find that eventually a community to support and how how did you go about that? Yeah. So, I did slowly but surely, I built a community, my cohort from my grad program, although there were only a couple of us that were kind of in parent land of our of our life. I had such an amazing group of, of colleagues that were willing to be there for babysitters and they knew kind of what was happening. And so they were prepared because I think that's the other part, is that then you feel at least I did. I can't speak for anybody else. You know, I don't want to stick this on anybody else. Like, this is so overwhelming. And so then you're you're really not going out. I don't, you know, we did not, kind of have that. And so, you know, having those people around us, and then being able to as, as we got out of that piece of it because thankfully, we don't know necessarily the rhyme or the reason even the doctors don't know. But at 18 months, the vomiting significantly decreased. Wow. And as the vomiting decreased, he started eating on his own. And so I think for us, that was a really big clue that I think he was eating, not eating, because it felt really uncomfortable and he would end up, you know, vomiting. And so it's like, okay, if I don't eat vomit, which I can totally appreciate, you know, that that thought process. And so that stuff started kind of dwindling once he turned 18 months. But and once we got there, I think then we started branching out. We started finding our community with it for for a really long time. We didn't it, have that community and, have those people to, to, to network with. And so it wasn't until I was able to come out of my hiding, essentially, that I was able to, to find that. And so it was very much, you know, we kept that at home. We didn't tell anyone, except for, like I said, the small cohort that that did end up kind of being privy to it and helping me out in that way. So that was some of the difficulty that if I were, you know, able to to go back, I think I would have wanted to know about more that wasn't necessarily given a whole ton of resources by the doctors, either of support groups or anything like that. And so any community that I did build, we built from scratch, you know, with Josh working from home, his headquarters was in a different state. So we didn't have, like, naturally built in, friends that we were making, in that sense. And so, I think that would, that would be some of the things that I would want to know or advocate you know, in, in the doctor's offices is how can we get them connected with other support people that, you know, maybe would have been able to to provide me some sense of that community. So the only thing that we did is we tried to find that support within our relationship. And so one of the things that Josh and I did end up kind of sitting down and doing is we, at about, we had been doing this maybe for eight months now, this, this whole routine and the isolation. We sat down and we booked a trip to Hawaii, which, I, I've lived a good chunk of my life in Hawaii as well. So that's my if I, if people ask me where I'm from, that's that's the place I claim as well. But so for me, that was a safe haven. And so we booked a trip a year out as kind of if we can just get to this point, we'll all go as a family. Even if it was going to be difficult, even if it meant we had to bring a whole nother suitcase just for being close. Yeah, we're like, we're going to take this trip. And so that was kind of us trying to give ourselves, a light at the end of the tunnel. And so we, we made that plan. And I think that also helps our relationship a lot. It gave us something to look forward to, to plan towards. And it it helped my mental wellness as well to be able to again, if I can just make it to this point one day at a time, put my head down and feed this kid. Yeah, essentially. Oh my gosh. And that reminds me of something you said a little while ago about when you're in these moments, of feeling overwhelmed and stressed and isolated and navigating uncharted territories, what are some strategies or tools or things you would tell people to help kind of identify that they're in this space? Because sometimes you don't even realize you're in this space. It's just, you know, survival mode. And sometimes you do realize it but don't know what to do and where to go from there. What would you recommend to somebody? Yeah. So I think that those are it's a couple pieces. There's the coping skills and that sense. And so I think being able if you are able to access, connecting with a therapist, that can be super helpful to find because what works for me may not work for the next person. And so I think that it can be super helpful to find, something that works for you. For me, I am. I do well with grounding, and so that's getting in my body out of my head. I'm such a heady person. I'm an internal processor and so I can go for days in my head and and that's what would get me into trouble is because I would live up there. So I was already physically isolating, and then I would mentally isolate. And so for me getting back into my body, and really, you know, channeling some of my other senses is something that's super helpful for me. And so I use that a lot with folks that I work with are finding, finding something that fits for them. And that's already that's easily accessible because I think the more that we can make, you know, find finding some of these, you know, as these the kind of coping skills that are already in your routine in some way, shape or form, maybe we just need to tweak them a little bit to make them work for you. Yeah. I think they're easier to do to commit to and to kind of make a part of your routine. So there's some of that. But then also some of, you know, the things to watch out for is that very much, you know, I know when we spoke for your podcast, episode, we talked about kind of the postpartum depression. So there's all sorts of, postpartum. There's postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum psychosis, even. So, for example, for me, that disassociation, now looking back now, knowing all the things that I know, and even though I was in the MFA program currently, you know, this is to say, to normalize even me as a, in school learning, actively learning about all these things. I didn't quite I don't know that I didn't see it, but I didn't want to acknowledge or admit that I too was struggling with postpartum and mine was a later onset. Really kind of later in the sense that I think mine was really kind of precipitated by the issues, the extra issues that I was having with with Malachi and his feeding. And so the disassociation that is, is not typical. And that is something that when you find yourself kind of checking out, but checking out to the degree that no one is home, those are some of the things to watch out for. You had mentioned kind of for yours. The fogginess there very much when we're getting to the Fogginess, and it's something that's intrusive. And that's usually what I tell people is that you hear about things like the, you know, the the baby blues. So those are things that would typically kind of last for, for shorter periods of time. And they come in much smaller ways. And so it doesn't take significant work to get out of it. It doesn't take like really, really big dips, if you will, or really, really high spikes. Yeah. Yes. They're, they're waves, but they're much smaller and they're not as intrusive when it starts intruding kind of your way of life to the point, like you said, for you, you know, it was the social isolation was a really big indicator. Again, looking back at what is your your baseline, if you will, and if it is something that has taken you so far for you from your baseline and it is consistent, it is lasting for more than just a couple of hours. Like those are the things that, you know, we need to be paying attention to and postpartum. Any of these depression, anxiety, psychosis can affect even the non carrying partner as well. And so again really taking a look at what is your baseline. And if we're significantly strained for that it is not your typical. And so at that point in time that's when it can be really useful to to reach out to support services. There are hotlines. There are support groups that that thankfully are starting to really, you know, beef up. They weren't quite there, you know, maybe the ten, 11 years ago, but they're starting to beef up a little bit more. And so finding those ways and because it can be really difficult when you're in it yourself to see it, I think the more that we can educate our, any of our parent partners, you know, whether it is a spouse or whether it is other family members or other friends getting them educated on what to look for, because they'll probably have a little bit more mental capacity to kind of tap and say, hey, I think that, I think we need something else in here. It's not working. And that's totally okay. It doesn't mean you as a person, it's not a flaw of your character. Yeah, it is a flaw of of what's happening in our lives right now that our brain can't handle. And guess what? That that doesn't make you any less of a person. It just means that we need a little bit of extra, extra support in there. Yeah. Oh, gosh. I love we're going to do a food check because it smells really good. Yes. How are we doing? What's going on in there. So right now our sauce is making it. So I use the brown sugar and I do it to taste. So if you're someone who really wants a super sweet sauce, then that's up to you to kind of add your own brown sugar level. If you just want a little bit of that, a little bit of sweetness, you can add that in there. So, I don't I'm very much a feel it until it's right kind of person. And so, I don't have and because I've been doing this recipe for 15 years, I don't have an exact measurement of my brown sugar, so I just do it kind of until I feel it. So that's where I'm at right now. And the very last thing that I add are my quail eggs, because since they're already cooked, I don't want them kind of going into like overly hard boiled. So I'll pop them in right in the end just to warm them up. And then my noodles are go. Are probably ready here for, for a drain and then we'll mix them all together. Sounds good. Yeah. So I wanted to get back to something that you said because I really, for me personally, appreciate the way you stated it, and it's that. How do you know when something is wrong and you said that it's it's very dependent on the individual. What's wrong for you might not be what's wrong for me. And you know, you shared it in your mom's example. If she's like, I don't understand, like I just have to put my move out there and you eat it like what I. But there is a difference between individuals and and and backgrounds experiences and all of this. And you said what your baseline is. Anything that deviates significantly beyond that is when there's maybe something wrong or something to explore or something to consider. Yes. And what's different for me is different from you. And that's okay. It doesn't have to be the same. So I really appreciate that. And I love the advocacy piece of educating the people around you and educating the society of people who are open to having this conversation and and coming from a positive space of and notice something a little off, like, I'm not saying that you're wrong or you're off, but is everything okay? Or noticing some of these signs? Because that's not something me and my husband had. Yeah. He just thought like, you're angry and you're sad right now. And that's probably what happens. And you'll be okay eventually. Yeah. No, I knew there was more than that. Absolutely. And I think what you just mentioned there, if if that is a conversation, if you're a support person and you have been seeing, you know, some of those warning signs that are deviating and you want to approach it honestly the best way, and I talk to all my families about this is approaching them and saying similar to what you said, how are you doing? But also what can I do to best support you? And the reason being is because oftentimes when we go in there going, let me solve it for you or I'm going to tell you what's wrong with you. It can just kind of naturally elicit our defensiveness, especially with something as as intimate as parenting. It can be really easy for us to turn those ears off and to stop listening, even though the intention behind it is, is is trying to to help and to express concern. And when we approach it with that, how can I best support you? What do you need in this moment? It gives them the autonomy to be able to kind of speak it in a, in a space that feels safe. Yeah. And that feels similar to kind of what we, you know, chatted about during your episode of that, like positive regard of this isn't someone who's looking to judge me. This isn't someone who's going to, tell me I'm doing it wrong or reaffirm these narratives that I'm already really good at telling myself, yeah, this is someone who's just genuinely interested in what do I need? Yeah. And I can vouch from calling you a friend any time. You know, whether it be a birthday party or coming over for a pool date or what have you, and you see me coming in with multiple things or multiple kids and grabbing and things are falling, and you're first, you know that comes out of your mouth is, how can I help? Yeah. And I the first time I heard that out of your mouth, I've never had anybody say, how can I help? It's here. Let me grab this or. Here, let me do this or here, do that. And so when you asked, I was like, I don't know how you can help. Like, I don't even know what I'm doing. So it it hit me like, I don't know, I don't know how to answer that. And then the more I heard it, the more my defenses went down. And it was in a recesses that I'm struggling and can't bring my kids in or left bags or shoes. No, it's. I'm here. We're we're together. How can I help you? And the more I heard it and the more it became, I'm going to say normalize for me, the more I was open to. Yes, you can help. I would love your help. Because, no, I can't do all this by myself. And I shouldn't have done I shouldn't have this notion in my head that I have to. Yeah, I've created this community of people who love and are wanting to support and want the best for me. So it's not a negative on myself. So absolutely. And I'm glad that that's how you felt. That that's reaffirming. Because absolutely. I think that I, I am so wonderfully humbled by this journey of parenthood that for me, when, when I see someone else, that is my instinctive of really, how can I help? No judgment here, not attached at all. I really, truly. Because maybe in that moment you say this would be helpful. And it's not what I would instinctually go for. And then and then I'm not as productive in meeting your needs. And I think, that's that's that's great feedback. Thank you. You're welcome. Well, this has been an amazing conversation. And watching you make the food I mentioned before, I don't know how to cook, but I love watching other people cook and I love eating the food, so I, I'm I'm starving right now. But is there anything last pieces. Parting words, wisdom, something you want to make sure we we share before we end? I think just going back to that idea and I gosh, for every episode, I feel like it's something that goes in there of that idea of finding the ways and advocating for our society that this whole idea that asking for help and asking for support and asking for our needs to be met and characterizing that as a weakness and that it's selfish or inappropriate, like my dream world people, is that we bash that all together because it is so incredibly hard, this, this thing that we call life, this thing that we call parenting is so, so difficult. And the more that we perpetuate this idea that, you know, it means we're a failure, it means that we're weak, it means that we couldn't we're not super people and super heroes. That it just further, I think, isolates each each of us from one another. And it intensifies how much more difficult this journey is going to be. As you mentioned, it takes a village and it can be really hard to find that village. And it's only that much harder when we have that narrative out and about in the world that if you reach out, if you show your warts, it's going to be received and judged. And I think that the more that we can do that just as a society and really kind of instead find those ways to turn the judgment off, get curious about one another instead. The more that we can actually start building that community and be there and support our parents, because after all, you know, there's if we want our kiddos to be thriving, healthy and good humans that are going to be contributors in our future. It starts with the parents at home. And so for not taking care of those parents at home, we're we're just asking for even further issues down the road with our future humans as well. And so instead, let's just support and love and be curious and and put me out of a job. Please. That's all I want. It's coming out of a job. I love it, I love it. So that's about it. And the other questions for me and the hatch, you know, I, I think we've got everything covered. I'm ready to try your food. Okay. Well, thank you so much, Amanda, for joining us and being our guest host today. Oh, I'm so grateful I learned a new recipe. It's a great conversation. I'm glad I'm well, thank you so much. I appreciate it. And thank you everyone for listening. We'll see you next time. If you or anyone that you know is struggling with any of the topics that we discussed in today's episode, make sure to check out our show notes for support and resources. You can get help. Thanks again for joining us on today's episode of The Real Family Eats. If you're a parent ready to share your real life parenting story, make sure to reach out to us and our website found in the show notes. And that goes for today's recipe social media's support and resources. All of that can be found in our show notes, so make sure to check them out and make sure to follow, like, share, subscribe, and stay up to date on all things the real family eats. I hope you'll join us next time for more food for thought and thoughtful food! Enjoy your eats!