Breaking Free from Mom Guilt + Pancakes | Real Parents, Real Struggles, & Recipe Sharing

Doctora Amanda Corona, mom of 2 and Director of Corporate Partners at UCSD, talks with Reesa, our resident couples therapist for parents about their real parenting struggles. She is sharing navigating parenting challenges, the parent support and resources they found along the way, and any parenting tips they have discovered through their journey. While they chat parenting insights and stories, they are recipe sharing balancing parenting and family meals. She talks about struggling with balancing full-time parenting and a full-time job out of the home and shares her Mom's Fluffiest Pancake recipe. Make sure to subscribe, like, and follow for more recipes and parenting tips.

Have you tried the recipe or a challenge you've tackled? We'd love to hear from you in the comments!

Doctora Amanda's Instagram: @ajcorona_09

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Mom's Fluffiest Pancakes

INGREDIENTS:
Pancake mix (we use Bisquick)
1 tsp Vanilla Extract 
1 tsp Pumpkin Spice 
1-2 Eggs, slightly beaten 
1-2c Milk 
Syrup, to taste 

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Follow boxed instructions based on serving size desired. 
2. Add egg and milk. Stir. Should be pourable but thick.
3. Stir in vanilla extract and pumpkin spice.
4. Cook on a buttered or oiled pan until browned on both sides.
5. Top with syrup or other choice toppings.

*****

If you or your loved one is struggling with any of the topics discussed, here are some resources:

Embrace Renewal Therapy & Wellness Collective: www.embracerenewaltherapy.com 

Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net/

*****

Disclaimer:

The content provided on this podcast/YouTube channel is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or treatment. While we aim to share valuable insights and promote mental well-being, our discussions and content are not a substitute for professional mental health services.

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

The views and opinions expressed by the host(s) and guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the podcast/YouTube channel. We encourage listeners/viewers to consult with a

******
Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist 104709. Reesa is a couples counselor for parents providing therapy in person in Murrieta, CA and virtual couples therapy in California. Reesa, also, hosts couples workshops and parenting workshops worldwide.

Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe - https://linktr.ee/EmbraceRenewalTherapy

For the video version of this episode find us on www.youtube.com/@TheRealFamilyEats

If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:

www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988

Go to your local hospital or call 911

Transcript

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:00:28
Knowing that I

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could be a mom and a great mom,
and I could enjoy it, and I could love it,

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and then I could also love and enjoy
going to work and making a difference

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in that space as well.

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Hey everyone, thanks for joining me.

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My name is Reesa and I'm your host.

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We are talking to real families

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about real stories here on The Real Family

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Eats, where we've got food for thought
and thoughtful food.

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So let's eat.

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My guest today,

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everyone is the wonderful Doctora Amanda.

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Hi, Amanda, thanks so much for joining us.

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And being a guest on the show today. Yes.

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Thank you for having me. Absolutely.

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Well, for anybody who doesn't know
you yet, can you introduce yourself?

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Absolutely.

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So my name is, Doctora Amanda Corona.

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I am a first generation college student.

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First generation doctoral person.

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I'm a mother of two and a wife,
a daughter, a sister and aunt.

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All of the above.

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I'm excited to be here today. Wonderful.

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Now, I know that you've got
your social media

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that you're sharing with us today
for anybody who wants to follow you.

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What are some of the things
that they'll be seeing?

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Yeah. So, I'm on Instagram.
I'm on LinkedIn.

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A lot of the stuff I post
is either about me

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and my family and the activities
that we're doing or about work.

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I work in higher education and access.

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Education is really important to me,

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and I feel like sharing that information
is extremely important.

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So you'll find a lot of that
on my social media.

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Wonderful.

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And we'll make sure to have that

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linked in our show notes
as well for anybody who's interested.

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Okay, I am super excited.

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So first, before we get into your story,

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what recipe are you sharing with us today
and why did you choose this one?

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So it'll be my, my best recipe
and the most thing that I'm famous

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for in my house.

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And it's mom's fluffiest pancakes. Okay.

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I don't do a lot of the cooking
in my household, and I am really good

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at following directions.

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And I love desserts.

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Okay, so pancakes is what we're making.

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Gotcha. It's got the cake in there.

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Love it. Okay.

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So tell me, what are some of the steps?

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Get me started
and then we can start chatting.

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Yeah. So, we start with our pancake mix.

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Okay.

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Again, I don't do anything from scratch,
so I go box.

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You can go Bisquick.

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You can go, Kodiak cakes, whatever it is
that works best for your family.

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But we start with the pancake mix,
pour in the milk.

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Keep mixing until you get a really nice,
soft consistency.

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Nothing too thick.

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And then throw in an egg. Okay.

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And then in our house, we like to play
with vanilla extract and pumpkin spice.

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We are a pumpkin spice year round family.

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Okay, not just in the fall. Yeah.

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So that's that's what we do.

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Wonderful. Okay. I can absolutely do that.

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And I know you mentioned,
you know, that you're

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you're using that box mix,
but truth be told, right.

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So many of us parents,
that's kind of what what we have to do.

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Not everybody is a make it from scratch.
And that's totally okay.

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The point is,
our kiddos are getting fed. So.

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Absolutely.

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So while I do this,
I know one of the stories

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you wanted to share with us today,

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and I'm so excited to hear is kind of your
journey through navigating,

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trying to kind of

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be your own person and find yourself
and what that means

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and all the dreams that you have
for yourself at the same time.

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Kind of some of those standards.

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And how do you navigate that with kind of
what's quote unquote expected of you?

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So I'd love to hear more.

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Can you start us kind of on your journey
and what you've discovered?

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Yeah.

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So I shared the first generation piece,
and it wasn't just first generation

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college student, but first generation
everything in my household.

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Okay, so first person to leave the house.

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First person to move away from the city
that we all lived in.

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Oh, wow. Okay.

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The first person to live on their own.

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And really, all of it. Yeah. Wow.

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And fortunately,
my mom was really supportive of go

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live your life, do the wonderful things
because she never got a chance to do them.

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So she was a team mom.

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She had me when she was 15. Wow.

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And from that moment
on, she just dedicated to making sure

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that I had everything that I needed.

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Okay. And one of the big things

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that she instilled in me
is you can do whatever you want.

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The sky's the limit.
There are no obstacles.

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There are no challenges.

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How was that for you as a kiddo?

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Oh, I loved it.

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I was the most confident kid in the world,
and I was in every sport,

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and I was doing all these things,
and I thought I was great.

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I was not great at anything,
but I had the confidence of being great.

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So I never felt scared
or intimidated to to try or do new things

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because I knew mom.

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Mom said I can do it.

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And if she's the smartest, strongest
person I know so she believes in me.

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Then of course it's got to be true.

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Wow. Yeah.

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And to kind of have
that that person in your corner.

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So even if you do try something
and maybe it's not your forte,

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you know, it sounds like to kind of
have somebody in your wing.

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That's really cool. Okay.

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So you're the first person
to kind of go out and do these things.

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And one of them being going to college.

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So tell me kind of the decision to go,
and how was that being the first

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kind of in

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your family to, to go out and do something
because college is not an easy task.

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Yeah.

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So tell me more.

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So I think I was maybe three, four when
my mom told me I was going to college.

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And so in my household,
it was never a question

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of if it was when and where or oh, okay.

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And so at three, I'm told you're
going to college and I'm going to college.

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I think everybody does it.
This we're going to do it.

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I didn't have any idea of how tough
or what it might

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entail going to actually college. Okay.

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And as I got older, it became you're going
to, you know, UCLA

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because I'm Florence County.
So that's the school to go to.

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So I had no intention
of going anywhere else like that.

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That is where I was going.

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Yeah.

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And so when I got to high school,
my mom did all the things to make sure

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that I was in activities
and, in sports, in clubs.

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I was getting tutoring, doing college
courses, doing all these things

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to get ready for college, having,
you know, a resume, volunteer work,

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just everything.

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Wow. So I was busy. So busy.

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Very busy.

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So I applied to college,

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and I got into every college
I applied to except for UCLA.

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Oh, really?

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So it was shattering.

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Earth shattering, like,
everything that you kind of like.

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Your plan.

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Everything that I knew was no longer true,
that I can do anything.

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And so that was my first taste of,
oh, I can't do everything.

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There may be some limitations.

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So I decided I'm not going to college, I'm
going to quit,

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I'm just going to stay home
and we'll figure it out.

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So I told my mom I'm not going to college.

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I didn't get into the school I wanted.

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I'm just going to stay home. Wow.

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So I really kind of rock your world.
It sounds. Oh, yeah.

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Oh, yeah.

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And she's like,
okay, we'll take the summer.

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Like,
we'll figure out what you're going to do.

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And given that she didn't go to college,

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didn't realize
you need to accept admissions

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soon after getting admitted or lost,
your spot is gone

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and you don't have housing,
and you don't have dining

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and you don't have the classes.

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So at the end of summer,
literally maybe a week or two

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before all course was to start, she says,
where are you going?

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It's also I'm not going anywhere like that
was the deal.

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She's like,
no, no, you're going somewhere.

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Pick one of the schools you got into.

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And so I finally settled on a school
and we looked online

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and there's an orientation.

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In three

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days, I'll have to be down in San Diego
for the orientation, and I show up.

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I have no idea
what this campus looks like.

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I have no idea what classes look like.

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I didn't know the difference
between quarter system.

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Oh, where I was going to live.

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I didn't have anywhere to live.

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I showed up at orientation.

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I didn't have anywhere to live. Really.

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Oh my goodness,
that sounds just really scary.

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I'd go, oh, I'm going here,
but I don't know anything else.

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Nothing.

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So I, I go to the orientation
and then I realize, you know, mom,

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I need somewhere to live.

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And she's like, oh, I think you have
an aunt who lives in San Diego, DC.

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And I'm like, you think I have an aunt
who lives in San Diego?

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And she's like, yeah,
let me call your grandma

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to call your cousin
to see if we can get her phone number.

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You don't even have a phone number.

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And you're going to send me
to live with some lady. I'm your oldest.

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I'm a girl.

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This is the first time anybody's live
in a way you're just going to send me.

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And she's like, yeah, you'll be fine.

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Sure enough, this woman, my aunt,
bless her heart, she took me in.

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She gave me a place to live to help me
navigate San Diego.

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Eventually I was able to find housing
on campus, but it was just all of this.

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There was so much going on that
I didn't have time to stop and process of.

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I'm in college and I'm at that classes.

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I've got to figure out life.

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But once I finally moved onto campus,
yeah, that's when the the homesick

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and the nervous

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and the scared and overwhelmed kicked in
because my mom and dad literally

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brought me to campus with all of my things
and dropped me off and said,

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we love you.

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We'll see you later.

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And then walk down the
elevator. And I'm just like,

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oh my goodness.

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So all this excitement, I was like,
I'm in college, I'm independent.

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I can do all these things.

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Yeah.

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Quickly became a I'm in college, I'm
independent, I can do all these things.

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What do I do. Yeah.

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And to kind of navigate about
how old were you at this point.

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So I graduated high school at 17.

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So I think I had just turned 18
when I went to college.

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Wow. Okay.

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So that's a lot for for an 18 year
old. Yes.

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You know, I know legally.

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Right.

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You turn 18
and all of a sudden you're an adult.

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And I feel like there's so much of that,

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you know, maybe facade
that when you turn 18

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and you become an adult,
it means, okay, you get all this wisdom,

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but like, all of a sudden,
just like supposed to generate into you.

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And it doesn't really happen that way.

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No. Okay.

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So, first, before I hear more,
is this a good consistency for me to add?

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My. Yes. That's perfect.

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Wonderful. Okay.

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And so you went to school.

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And that sounds

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like, you know, you went from
I'm not going at all to now

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you have your PhD,
so that's that's a big job.

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So tell me more and kind of
how has that played

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into some of your parenting journey to.

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So it's actually an Ed.D.

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doctor of education. Okay, I apologize.

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No. No worries.

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It's a common, mix up.

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But I initially
I thought I wanted to be a PhD, okay.

00:10:30:02 - 00:10:33:26
And realize, doctor of education,
higher education, access to education.

00:10:34:05 - 00:10:35:24
That's
where I can make the biggest difference.

00:10:35:24 - 00:10:37:29
And that's the route I chose.

00:10:37:29 - 00:10:40:23
And mostly I chose it because I am a mom.

00:10:40:23 - 00:10:41:19
Really? Yeah.

00:10:41:19 - 00:10:44:20
So a PhD can take anywhere from 7
to 10 years.

00:10:44:20 - 00:10:45:27
It's full time.

00:10:45:27 - 00:10:48:27
You're either in school,
you're not working.

00:10:49:07 - 00:10:52:01
There's no time, really,
for taking care of yourself,

00:10:52:01 - 00:10:54:24
taking care of your family
and doing all these things.

00:10:54:24 - 00:10:56:21
And I did my Ed.D.

00:10:56:21 - 00:10:59:06
later in life. I already had two kids.

00:10:59:06 - 00:11:00:05
I was already married.

00:11:00:05 - 00:11:01:06
I already owned a home,

00:11:01:06 - 00:11:04:18
I'd already been working,
and we lived in a two income household,

00:11:04:25 - 00:11:08:25
so there was no opportunity
or way for me to say, hey, babe,

00:11:09:03 - 00:11:11:12
I'm gonna stop working,
and we're losing this whole income,

00:11:11:12 - 00:11:13:14
and I'm going to go do this. Yeah.

00:11:13:14 - 00:11:18:24
So I found an ad program at, UC San Diego
to joint program with CSU San Marcos.

00:11:18:24 - 00:11:19:07
Okay.

00:11:19:07 - 00:11:22:07
And it's designed
for working professionals.

00:11:22:08 - 00:11:24:08
And it was a very flexible program.

00:11:24:08 - 00:11:27:08
They knew I had kids, and they knew that
that was a priority for me.

00:11:27:11 - 00:11:30:11
And I said, when I do this, you know, I'm

00:11:30:17 - 00:11:33:20
not going to sacrifice my time
with my kids and myself.

00:11:34:08 - 00:11:36:14
So this program isn't going to be
the first priority.

00:11:36:14 - 00:11:38:08
It'll be in the top 3 or 5.

00:11:38:08 - 00:11:40:03
It's not the first.

00:11:40:03 - 00:11:42:06
But that was something
that came later in life.

00:11:42:06 - 00:11:44:14
I didn't know
I could advocate for it myself like that.

00:11:44:14 - 00:11:47:21
And I know I can make
those kinds of demands in my life.

00:11:48:19 - 00:11:51:28
When I first had Zoe,
which is my oldest daughter,

00:11:52:10 - 00:11:55:24
I struggle because, again,
I'm that first generation person.

00:11:55:24 - 00:11:59:06
I'm the first in my friends
circle to have kids, okay?

00:11:59:06 - 00:12:04:11
I'm the first in my family circle
to have a child and then also still want

00:12:04:11 - 00:12:08:27
to work and still want to have a career
and still want to accomplish the dreams

00:12:08:27 - 00:12:13:18
that I had before,
which was becoming a doctor one day. Wow.

00:12:13:23 - 00:12:18:12
So was kind of what you saw
and kind of what was around you,

00:12:18:12 - 00:12:24:11
this idea that once you had kids
that shifted kind of your identity 100%.

00:12:24:11 - 00:12:27:27
And so the what I had in my head,
this model of you

00:12:27:27 - 00:12:30:27
become a mom
and then your life is about your children.

00:12:31:06 - 00:12:32:15
It's no longer about you.

00:12:32:15 - 00:12:35:27
And doing the things that you want and
love and the dreams that you had before.

00:12:35:27 - 00:12:38:24
Children to me, felt selfish, really.

00:12:38:24 - 00:12:40:27
And it's not something that I was ever
told.

00:12:40:27 - 00:12:44:16
Yeah, you know, out loud,
but I it's what I saw with my mom.

00:12:44:16 - 00:12:47:02
Is she had kids
and it became about her children

00:12:47:02 - 00:12:52:08
and putting them first in her mind,
you was, a drastic case because she was 15

00:12:52:08 - 00:12:55:26
at the time and literally
had not even started her adult life.

00:12:56:08 - 00:12:59:08
But that is all I knew. Yeah.

00:12:59:09 - 00:13:03:07
And so how I'm so curious
because I think that's something

00:13:03:07 - 00:13:07:11
I hear from
so many parents that there's this

00:13:08:20 - 00:13:09:12
battle that

00:13:09:12 - 00:13:13:07
almost happens between who you are
as your own

00:13:13:07 - 00:13:16:17
individual human being
and kind of what you have

00:13:17:23 - 00:13:21:17
dreamt since,
you know, a kid as you kid yourself.

00:13:22:05 - 00:13:26:11
And then when you get into these roles,
almost this expectation

00:13:26:11 - 00:13:30:17
and you know, whether it's my role
is to stay home and be a family person

00:13:30:17 - 00:13:33:21
or my role is to go out and work
and to be the breadwinner, I feel like

00:13:33:21 - 00:13:38:24
there are so many parents out there
that kind of have that, that box

00:13:38:24 - 00:13:43:05
that they feel like I have to fit into,
and I have to do it this way.

00:13:43:05 - 00:13:43:19
Yeah.

00:13:43:19 - 00:13:47:23
So I'm so curious, like, for you,
what was going on and internally

00:13:47:23 - 00:13:51:21
and how did you kind of make that decision

00:13:51:21 - 00:13:54:26
or come to that decision to,
to step outside of that?

00:13:54:26 - 00:13:55:20
Yeah.

00:13:55:20 - 00:13:57:18
So, I don't know.

00:13:57:18 - 00:14:01:10
Growing up, I didn't have this notion of
I want a big wedding and I wanted

00:14:01:11 - 00:14:02:15
white dress.

00:14:02:15 - 00:14:05:14
And, you know, being married,
it was always this.

00:14:05:14 - 00:14:06:26
You were a strong, independent woman.

00:14:06:26 - 00:14:09:11
Whatever you want,
you can achieve it on your own.

00:14:09:11 - 00:14:12:01
And so I never had this notion of,
you know, I'm going to be a mother

00:14:12:01 - 00:14:13:01
and I'm going to have children.

00:14:13:01 - 00:14:16:08
And the 2.5 with the picket fence,
none of that.

00:14:16:08 - 00:14:18:19
It was, I'm going to go to college.
I'm gonna get a great job.

00:14:18:19 - 00:14:20:09
I'm gonna be a doctor.
I'm going to save lives.

00:14:20:09 - 00:14:24:01
And to do
that was the but what I had in my head.

00:14:24:21 - 00:14:27:20
Then I met my husband and everything
changed.

00:14:27:20 - 00:14:30:03
Then, you know, the first person
I was like, I'm going to marry him.

00:14:30:03 - 00:14:31:10
I'm going to have his children.

00:14:31:10 - 00:14:33:07
And everybody around me was just like,
what are you?

00:14:33:07 - 00:14:35:14
Who are you? Like,
what are you talking about?

00:14:35:14 - 00:14:38:24
But again, I being this first generation,
I come from

00:14:38:24 - 00:14:42:22
families of divorce
where marriages don't necessarily last.

00:14:42:22 - 00:14:44:24
And there's not this,
you know, foresight of

00:14:44:24 - 00:14:47:24
how do you make a marriage last
and what goes into it.

00:14:47:26 - 00:14:52:21
So I married my husband
with no conversation of, do you want kids?

00:14:52:21 - 00:14:54:03
How many kids are you going to have?

00:14:54:03 - 00:14:56:24
How are you going to raise your kids?
What's your religious preferences?

00:14:56:24 - 00:14:58:26
What's your education preferences?

00:14:58:26 - 00:15:02:16
Sports like we
none of these conversations had well,

00:15:02:17 - 00:15:05:28
and within the first two years
of being married, I'm I'm pregnant.

00:15:06:20 - 00:15:09:05
And again,
it's not something we talked about.

00:15:09:05 - 00:15:13:09
It's something we knew we wanted
children eventually.

00:15:13:10 - 00:15:16:00
Okay. But none of these conversations
has happened.

00:15:16:00 - 00:15:18:27
And in my head, I just thought,
who has these conversations?

00:15:18:27 - 00:15:21:21
Like, you just have kids and then you
you figure it out.

00:15:21:21 - 00:15:23:24
It can't be. That's hard life.

00:15:23:24 - 00:15:26:13
No, no. It's hard.

00:15:26:13 - 00:15:29:15
And so I, I struggled
not during the pregnancy.

00:15:29:15 - 00:15:31:22
During the pregnancy everything was fine.

00:15:31:22 - 00:15:35:05
And then the second I had Zoe, I became

00:15:36:09 - 00:15:38:03
it just hyper focus on her.

00:15:38:03 - 00:15:39:09
And it was only about her.

00:15:39:09 - 00:15:42:07
And no longer me and my husband
and my partner in communication.

00:15:42:07 - 00:15:43:27
It's this child.

00:15:43:27 - 00:15:46:03
And how do I make sure
that this child is okay?

00:15:46:03 - 00:15:50:00
Because this is my priority,
not me, not anything else.

00:15:50:00 - 00:15:53:00
And I became so hyper focused

00:15:53:06 - 00:15:57:12
that it started to eat at me,
and it closed me off.

00:15:57:12 - 00:16:00:18
And I realized I was struggling
with postpartum depression.

00:16:01:09 - 00:16:02:01
And what way?

00:16:02:01 - 00:16:04:25
Like how how did that show up for you?

00:16:04:25 - 00:16:07:25
Because I hear you mentioning
kind of it eating away at you,

00:16:07:29 - 00:16:11:29
you know, can you share a little bit more
about for you and your narrative?

00:16:11:29 - 00:16:14:06
Like what did that look like? Yeah.

00:16:14:06 - 00:16:16:18
So I am a very social person.

00:16:16:18 - 00:16:18:22
I love being around people.
I love talking to people.

00:16:18:22 - 00:16:22:00
I feed off that energy
and it just brings me to life.

00:16:22:14 - 00:16:27:10
For the first six months of after
Zoe was born, I talked to nobody.

00:16:27:18 - 00:16:28:23
I didn't even leave my house.

00:16:28:23 - 00:16:31:27
Our sofa had a permanent indent
in one of the cushions

00:16:32:04 - 00:16:35:09
because that is where I stayed for
six months.

00:16:35:21 - 00:16:38:06
Wow. I didn't go back to work.

00:16:38:06 - 00:16:39:21
I, I was just struggling.

00:16:39:21 - 00:16:43:09
I was sad,
and my head felt like I was in this cloud

00:16:43:18 - 00:16:47:11
and I just couldn't see past
and I couldn't understand and make sense.

00:16:47:19 - 00:16:50:19
If you would have asked me my last name,
I don't think I would have been able to

00:16:50:21 - 00:16:51:16
spell it.

00:16:51:16 - 00:16:55:00
I that's how just foggy everything felt.

00:16:55:00 - 00:16:55:21
Yeah.

00:16:55:21 - 00:17:00:04
Wow, that sounds just so lonely,
first of all.

00:17:00:14 - 00:17:04:15
And overwhelming
to kind of have these things happening

00:17:04:15 - 00:17:10:01
in the midst of this brand new baby
that you don't necessarily

00:17:10:11 - 00:17:14:06
have a manual for that you know, you're

00:17:15:13 - 00:17:16:01
trying to keep

00:17:16:01 - 00:17:19:01
alive and to kind of have to do that.

00:17:19:01 - 00:17:24:05
And like you said,
also figure out through that Fogginess.

00:17:24:06 - 00:17:27:11
Yeah, I mean, goodness, like,
how did you manage that?

00:17:27:11 - 00:17:28:24
How did you see it?

00:17:28:24 - 00:17:30:22
Did it impact your relationship?

00:17:30:22 - 00:17:32:12
I mean, I'd love to know more.

00:17:32:12 - 00:17:33:15
Yeah, I struggled.

00:17:33:15 - 00:17:39:03
So, with my partner Ignacio, there was
virtually no communication between us.

00:17:39:03 - 00:17:41:08
I didn't want to talk to him.
I didn't want to look at him.

00:17:41:08 - 00:17:46:05
I just I felt like he wasn't putting in
as much as I was putting in, okay?

00:17:46:05 - 00:17:48:23
And I didn't know how to communicate,
and I just thought, you're dad.

00:17:48:23 - 00:17:50:20
You should know
if I have to figure this out.

00:17:50:20 - 00:17:52:02
And I'm a mom and I should know.

00:17:52:02 - 00:17:54:24
And the same goes for you. Yeah.
So then it became about.

00:17:54:24 - 00:17:56:12
I don't have time for this.

00:17:56:12 - 00:17:57:28
I need to focus here.

00:17:57:28 - 00:18:02:16
And it actually was my my really good
friends from college who, who knew me

00:18:02:16 - 00:18:06:12
so well, who would reach out and say,
hey, how are you doing?

00:18:06:13 - 00:18:07:18
How are things going?

00:18:07:18 - 00:18:11:11
They didn't have children themselves,
but one was a therapist and she,

00:18:11:11 - 00:18:13:24
you know, invited me to coffee
one day at the mall.

00:18:13:24 - 00:18:16:22
And she's like,
how are things going with you and Ignacio?

00:18:16:22 - 00:18:17:28
Like, are you guys talking?

00:18:17:28 - 00:18:19:14
And I shared with her like,

00:18:19:14 - 00:18:20:28
I don't know
if this is going to work with him

00:18:20:28 - 00:18:23:22
because he's just not meeting me
at this level where I need him.

00:18:23:22 - 00:18:26:05
She's like, you communicated that to him?

00:18:26:05 - 00:18:27:22
Does he know that?

00:18:27:22 - 00:18:28:28
And I was like, no, he should.

00:18:28:28 - 00:18:30:27
And I was like, how should he?

00:18:30:27 - 00:18:33:19
She said,
how should he know if he doesn't know?

00:18:33:19 - 00:18:33:29
Yeah.

00:18:33:29 - 00:18:38:17
And that was this light switch of oh,
oh there's a break in communication here.

00:18:38:17 - 00:18:43:13
There's something going on
that I should try to reach out.

00:18:44:07 - 00:18:46:10
Yeah. Wow.

00:18:46:10 - 00:18:49:21
You know that's gosh
I don't know how many parents

00:18:49:21 - 00:18:52:21
I've heard
that same of you should just know

00:18:52:24 - 00:18:57:19
because it does become really easy
to kind of get into that groove of like,

00:18:58:27 - 00:19:01:18
hey, I've
got all of these things on my plate.

00:19:01:18 - 00:19:04:18
And you know that whether it's,

00:19:05:10 - 00:19:07:28
I feel I, you know, I'm taking on myself

00:19:07:28 - 00:19:10:28
or I feel like
people are just kind of putting on me.

00:19:10:29 - 00:19:13:17
And so kind of especially with such

00:19:13:17 - 00:19:16:17
an intimate relationship, like, you know,

00:19:17:03 - 00:19:20:14
your partner, your spouse, your,
your teammate to kind of

00:19:21:11 - 00:19:24:11
really get in the groove of,
you know, they've know me.

00:19:24:13 - 00:19:27:25
However long you know,
we've been together, they should just know

00:19:27:25 - 00:19:30:26
that this is what I need
or this is how to do it.

00:19:31:03 - 00:19:35:11
And you're absolutely right that it does
kind of create that breakdown for us

00:19:35:11 - 00:19:40:09
when it's a lot of those expectations
that are almost

00:19:40:09 - 00:19:44:05
at this point, surprise expectations
because they aren't communicating.

00:19:44:10 - 00:19:47:01
Yeah, yeah.
You're so, so right. So on point.

00:19:48:29 - 00:19:51:16
I actually so I'm going to get this going.

00:19:51:16 - 00:19:54:18
Is it best do you usually like use
a scooper to pour it

00:19:54:18 - 00:19:57:24
and you just so I, do a little bit of oil.

00:19:57:24 - 00:20:00:21
Okay. And then, again,
we just kind of fill it with our heart.

00:20:00:21 - 00:20:03:04
How big girls want their pancakes. Yeah.

00:20:03:04 - 00:20:07:09
So usually I make smaller size pancakes,
and then they eat, like, 3 or 4,

00:20:07:09 - 00:20:10:09
and they feel so amazing
because mommy made all your pancakes.

00:20:11:00 - 00:20:13:02
But, yeah, just maybe about.

00:20:13:02 - 00:20:13:16
That's like.

00:20:13:16 - 00:20:14:14
Okay, perfect.

00:20:14:14 - 00:20:16:29
And I just pour it on in. Awesome.

00:20:16:29 - 00:20:18:13
So I'll get this started.

00:20:18:13 - 00:20:20:00
Max. Again, I have a push pass.

00:20:20:00 - 00:20:22:21
I can have a plate
for us to put them on as well.

00:20:22:21 - 00:20:24:25
And we're back.

00:20:24:25 - 00:20:26:25
Okay. So I'm going to get this going. So

00:20:27:26 - 00:20:29:17
once you have that kind of

00:20:29:17 - 00:20:34:01
moment
tell me where did you go from there.

00:20:34:01 - 00:20:35:02
How did things change.

00:20:35:02 - 00:20:37:05
Did they change. Yeah.

00:20:37:05 - 00:20:39:04
From that conversation
with my good friend,

00:20:39:04 - 00:20:42:15
I started to realize there's
something going on in my body

00:20:42:15 - 00:20:45:19
that I'm not aware of and
I don't know how to deal with on my own.

00:20:46:11 - 00:20:50:11
So I think I started looking at depression
and came across postpartum

00:20:50:13 - 00:20:52:29
postpartum depression.
I had no idea what that was.

00:20:52:29 - 00:20:56:16
And there was a phone number at the bottom
of the website that said you could call

00:20:56:16 - 00:21:00:11
and you could get referrals or advice
or just just call.

00:21:00:11 - 00:21:03:12
And so I called one day
while Ignacio was at work

00:21:03:12 - 00:21:06:26
and I was at home with Zoe,
and this woman answered,

00:21:06:26 - 00:21:11:12
and she had the most beautiful, calming
voice and presence.

00:21:11:18 - 00:21:14:08
She stayed on the phone with me
for a good hour and a half.

00:21:14:08 - 00:21:14:29
Oh wow.

00:21:14:29 - 00:21:15:19
Talking to me

00:21:15:19 - 00:21:18:23
and and I don't think that was her job,
like she was a referral service,

00:21:19:03 - 00:21:22:03
but she took the time to say
how are you doing?

00:21:22:06 - 00:21:23:18
What is your child's name?

00:21:23:18 - 00:21:25:19
What's going on? How are you feeling?

00:21:25:19 - 00:21:28:23
And that in the middle
of that conversation, I'm

00:21:28:23 - 00:21:31:24
just crying my eyes out
and crying and crying.

00:21:31:24 - 00:21:33:13
And I couldn't understand why.

00:21:33:13 - 00:21:36:28
And I realized I hadn't spoken to anybody
about what I was feeling.

00:21:37:06 - 00:21:38:14
I was just keeping it inside.

00:21:38:14 - 00:21:41:14
And this person
made me feel so safe and seen.

00:21:41:20 - 00:21:44:21
And at the end of the conversation,
she said, you know, would you be open

00:21:44:21 - 00:21:47:25
to therapy services or seeing a therapist?

00:21:47:25 - 00:21:50:10
And I had no idea what therapy was.

00:21:50:10 - 00:21:52:09
That wasn't something common in my family.

00:21:52:09 - 00:21:54:15
Yeah. And I said yes.

00:21:54:15 - 00:21:59:12
And so she sent me a list of therapy
professionals in my network.

00:21:59:12 - 00:21:59:19
Okay.

00:21:59:19 - 00:22:03:23
And I just I took a look, I found one,
and I got blessed with a person

00:22:03:23 - 00:22:07:16
who I met with just from the moment
I walked in and sat down,

00:22:07:25 - 00:22:12:02
the first thing out of her mouth
was as a fellow mother, I think mothers

00:22:12:02 - 00:22:14:25
should have all the time in the world.
They need to bond.

00:22:14:25 - 00:22:18:03
And if you need more time to bond
with your child before going back to work,

00:22:18:12 - 00:22:22:03
you let me know and I will help
write you a letter for that.

00:22:22:18 - 00:22:26:05
And that first thing out of her mouth
set the tone

00:22:26:16 - 00:22:30:06
for the rest of our conversations
and put me at such an ease I didn't

00:22:30:06 - 00:22:34:02
realize I was struggling with leaving Zoe
and having to go back to work so soon.

00:22:35:02 - 00:22:36:19
Wow, that's so powerful.

00:22:36:19 - 00:22:40:21
And to kind of have that person
who at this point doesn't necessarily

00:22:40:21 - 00:22:44:08
it sounds like know, you know,
kind of what's been going on.

00:22:44:08 - 00:22:47:23
But just to kind of give you that,
you know, unconditional

00:22:47:23 - 00:22:50:23
kind of positive regard of, hey, I'm here.

00:22:51:02 - 00:22:52:20
This is hard.

00:22:52:20 - 00:22:53:25
This is so hard.

00:22:53:25 - 00:22:56:15
And you need to do

00:22:56:15 - 00:23:00:04
whatever it is that you need to do
for your life, for your well-being.

00:23:00:04 - 00:23:03:25
And I'll be right here supporting you
in whatever decision you make. Wow.

00:23:04:00 - 00:23:05:28
Yeah. And I had never had that in my life.

00:23:05:28 - 00:23:09:09
And I just it was scary

00:23:09:09 - 00:23:12:23
and overwhelming and uncomfortable
to even be in this space.

00:23:12:23 - 00:23:15:25
But to be met with such openness, I.

00:23:15:26 - 00:23:18:09
It changed everything. Wow.

00:23:18:09 - 00:23:23:02
And so from there, I heard you mentioned
kind of the struggle that you had that

00:23:23:02 - 00:23:28:17
you didn't even realize at this point of
of leaving Zoe and going back to work.

00:23:28:17 - 00:23:31:21
Can you talk a little bit
more about that and

00:23:31:21 - 00:23:34:29
about the decision
that you ended up eventually making?

00:23:34:29 - 00:23:36:26
How did you come to that decision?

00:23:36:26 - 00:23:39:17
It sounds like it was not something
that you took lightly.

00:23:39:17 - 00:23:42:12
Yeah. So I'd love to hear
more. Yeah. I think again,

00:23:43:13 - 00:23:45:03
Ignacio
and I didn't have these conversations

00:23:45:03 - 00:23:46:26
about how long do I stay home?

00:23:46:26 - 00:23:48:09
Who's going to watch her next?

00:23:48:09 - 00:23:50:15
Who do we most feel comfortable
watching her?

00:23:50:15 - 00:23:51:19
Where am I going?

00:23:51:19 - 00:23:53:15
Back to work full time.
Am I going back part time?

00:23:53:15 - 00:23:54:16
What can we afford?

00:23:54:16 - 00:23:56:22
What makes sense for our family? Yeah.

00:23:56:22 - 00:23:59:26
And the therapist helped me realize
some of these questions that I had

00:23:59:26 - 00:24:01:05
that were unanswered. Okay.

00:24:01:05 - 00:24:05:17
And encouraged me to go back to Ignacio
and talk to him and begin dialog.

00:24:06:04 - 00:24:07:20
So he and I started
talking about these things,

00:24:07:20 - 00:24:09:13
and I said, you know,
I want to go back to work.

00:24:09:13 - 00:24:13:05
Actually, I really do, but I just
I feel selfish leaving her.

00:24:13:05 - 00:24:16:00
And who do we leave her with
until we have a good plan?

00:24:16:00 - 00:24:17:10
And so we sat down and, you know,

00:24:17:10 - 00:24:21:02
we identified my mom,
and she came and lived with us for a year.

00:24:21:12 - 00:24:24:23
And, you know, this was after
Ignacio took his paternity leave.

00:24:25:09 - 00:24:26:28
But that I felt so safe.

00:24:26:28 - 00:24:30:20
I knew she had peace of mind
that he was being taken care of by my mom.

00:24:30:20 - 00:24:31:25
She's in good hands.

00:24:31:25 - 00:24:32:27
I can go back to work.

00:24:32:27 - 00:24:36:24
And I went back to work,
and it was like this new day.

00:24:36:24 - 00:24:41:03
Like, I get to shower into my hair
and makeup and talk to grown adults and,

00:24:41:11 - 00:24:45:03
and, you know, listen to music in the car
and just have my own space.

00:24:45:03 - 00:24:48:02
And I remember walking into the office
and everybody look at you, okay?

00:24:48:02 - 00:24:49:05
Do you miss her?

00:24:49:05 - 00:24:50:28
I was like, no, no, no, I'm okay.

00:24:50:28 - 00:24:51:24
I feel really good.

00:24:51:24 - 00:24:53:25
Like I'm excited to be here.
Let's do this.

00:24:53:25 - 00:24:58:13
Wow. And I had one coworker
who was a mom, and she had a child

00:24:58:13 - 00:24:59:21
the same age as mine,

00:24:59:21 - 00:25:02:25
and she came back to work
and she was grooving and doing well.

00:25:02:25 - 00:25:04:19
And I was like, oh, you can do this.

00:25:04:19 - 00:25:07:22
Like, you can be a good mom and
you can go back to work if you want to.

00:25:08:02 - 00:25:09:13
And so that kind of planted the seed.

00:25:09:13 - 00:25:12:13
So I started picking her brain
and asking her questions about like

00:25:12:21 - 00:25:15:29
childcare and, you know, camps and clubs

00:25:15:29 - 00:25:19:02
and activities and how she manages things.

00:25:19:02 - 00:25:22:02
And she's like, this works for my house,
may not work for yours,

00:25:22:02 - 00:25:24:21
but I'm happy to share what we've come to.

00:25:24:21 - 00:25:28:11
And yeah, kind of having those different
perspectives, once it starts to bubble,

00:25:28:18 - 00:25:31:18
then you just flip over thinking,
perfect, okay.

00:25:32:00 - 00:25:35:00
And so I heard you mention in there

00:25:35:02 - 00:25:37:11
kind of this really key thing
that I wanted to circle back

00:25:37:11 - 00:25:38:14
to if it's okay with you.

00:25:40:21 - 00:25:43:28
That you
could go to work and still be a great mom.

00:25:44:03 - 00:25:44:27
Yeah.

00:25:44:27 - 00:25:46:22
Can you tell me more about that? Yeah.

00:25:46:22 - 00:25:52:03
So I, I struggled with thinking
that I needed to be a good mom, meant

00:25:52:03 - 00:25:56:00
that I needed to be at home
and only doing things for the kids

00:25:56:00 - 00:25:59:29
in the house, and whether that was cooking
or cleaning or or breastfeed,

00:25:59:29 - 00:26:04:05
eating or, you know, whatever laundry
it was in the house.

00:26:04:17 - 00:26:08:27
And I realized that for me,
my personal happiness

00:26:09:10 - 00:26:12:05
couldn't revolve around just in the house.

00:26:12:05 - 00:26:16:09
I in order to be me and to continue
growing and thriving,

00:26:16:20 - 00:26:20:02
I needed to feel like I could still
accomplish the things that I wanted to.

00:26:20:15 - 00:26:23:14
And so at that point,
I still wanted to be a doctor.

00:26:23:14 - 00:26:25:19
Yeah, I just didn't know how.

00:26:25:19 - 00:26:28:29
And I talked to Ignacio and I said,
I have plans like,

00:26:28:29 - 00:26:32:15
I want to go back to work, I want to get a
masters, I want to get a doctorate.

00:26:32:24 - 00:26:36:02
I want to work full time, you know,
how do we make this work?

00:26:36:02 - 00:26:37:29
And he was like, yeah, go for it.

00:26:37:29 - 00:26:39:18
I'm not stopping you.

00:26:39:18 - 00:26:41:20
And never did I think he was.

00:26:41:20 - 00:26:44:21
But I felt again, like I was selfish
for wanting those things.

00:26:44:21 - 00:26:48:14
And he's like, no, like,
we will make this work.

00:26:48:14 - 00:26:50:10
However we make this work.

00:26:50:10 - 00:26:55:28
And to have that communication in that,
you know, moment of have the support.

00:26:55:28 - 00:26:57:12
I have a partner I chose.

00:26:57:12 - 00:26:59:29
Well, we're going to do this together.

00:26:59:29 - 00:27:00:11
Yeah.

00:27:00:11 - 00:27:03:11
And continuing to talk to him
about what the next step was

00:27:03:11 - 00:27:06:00
and what our calendar would look like
for the next few months

00:27:06:00 - 00:27:10:11
or the next few years, or what
we could take on what we couldn't take on.

00:27:10:21 - 00:27:12:05
It really changed things.

00:27:12:05 - 00:27:15:14
Well, I heard you mentioned kind of that

00:27:15:14 - 00:27:19:04
that narrative that you had of what it
what it looked like to be a great mom.

00:27:19:04 - 00:27:22:19
Now with some of that,
do you think in relation to the fact that

00:27:22:19 - 00:27:26:04
that's what she saw your mom doing,
or were there other things

00:27:26:04 - 00:27:29:27
that were kind of at play and really kind
of constructing that narrative for you?

00:27:29:27 - 00:27:32:28
Because I think it's such a relatable
narrative?

00:27:33:08 - 00:27:36:16
Yeah, I think a big piece of
it was my own family dynamics.

00:27:36:16 - 00:27:39:21
All of the women in my family had children
and stopped working

00:27:39:22 - 00:27:43:22
that they worked in the home
and my husband in his family.

00:27:43:29 - 00:27:45:28
He's the youngest of four boys.

00:27:45:28 - 00:27:47:13
All of his brothers are married.

00:27:47:13 - 00:27:50:15
All of the wives had children,
and they took time off of work

00:27:50:17 - 00:27:52:01
to raise their children.

00:27:52:01 - 00:27:56:28
And at this point, everybody I see around
me is focusing on their children and

00:27:57:28 - 00:28:00:02
that's not what I wanted to do.

00:28:00:02 - 00:28:04:18
I wanted to be able to do multiple things
to show my girls that it was possible

00:28:04:20 - 00:28:09:14
to do other things okay,
and to find happiness in different areas.

00:28:10:10 - 00:28:14:29
And the shows that I watched, I grew up
watching shows that show, you know,

00:28:14:29 - 00:28:18:13
the woman in the house and the cooking
and the cleaning and the hair and makeup.

00:28:18:13 - 00:28:20:05
Always done and and happy.

00:28:20:05 - 00:28:23:26
And then the husband comes home from work,
and dinner's on the table for him.

00:28:23:26 - 00:28:26:05
And so I have all these things
in the back of my head.

00:28:26:05 - 00:28:28:29
But me being the feminist of
I don't even know how to cook.

00:28:28:29 - 00:28:32:16
I had to have dinner on the table
like I went to college.

00:28:32:16 - 00:28:36:03
In college, we had a hot plate,
like I wasn't making the gourmet meal.

00:28:36:04 - 00:28:39:29
Yeah,
I had Top Ramen and, you know, fast food.

00:28:40:09 - 00:28:43:22
And so there was so much conflicting
going on.

00:28:43:22 - 00:28:44:04
Yeah.

00:28:44:04 - 00:28:47:04
And I was taught that I was going
to go to college and have a career.

00:28:47:04 - 00:28:50:20
I wasn't taught that
I was going to grow up and be a mother

00:28:50:20 - 00:28:53:25
and have children and be married
and have a career.

00:28:53:25 - 00:28:55:08
It was never this.

00:28:55:08 - 00:28:58:11
And it was this or wow, yeah.

00:28:59:26 - 00:29:00:26
And so to kind of

00:29:00:26 - 00:29:05:16
have that that person in your wing,
like you said,

00:29:05:16 - 00:29:08:27
your partner who's going,
yeah, let's let's figure this out

00:29:10:01 - 00:29:13:11
at what point, I mean, maybe
and maybe that was that point.

00:29:13:11 - 00:29:18:11
But was there a point for you
that you, you, not anybody else,

00:29:18:11 - 00:29:22:17
but you gave yourself permission to go
and, like, chase those dreams?

00:29:22:17 - 00:29:23:27
Yeah.

00:29:23:27 - 00:29:28:02
Not until therapy much later
did I have the words to articulate it,

00:29:28:02 - 00:29:31:03
but I do have a an impulsive

00:29:31:21 - 00:29:34:11
kind of behavior or response.

00:29:34:11 - 00:29:37:28
And I think personally, for me,
it is attributed to the confidence

00:29:37:28 - 00:29:40:03
that I was given at a young age.
I can do anything.

00:29:40:03 - 00:29:43:21
I'm capable of anything,
and nobody can stop me.

00:29:43:21 - 00:29:45:09
And yeah,
there may be some bumps in the road.

00:29:45:09 - 00:29:49:01
It's not always going to go as planned,
but there is purpose in reason.

00:29:49:11 - 00:29:54:10
And so yes,
now I'm a mother and I'm navigating this,

00:29:54:10 - 00:29:57:16
but I still want to go to get my masters
and I still want to go get my doctorate.

00:29:57:16 - 00:29:58:17
So I'm going to show up

00:29:58:17 - 00:30:01:29
to this orientation and kind of listen in,
and if I think I can do it,

00:30:02:09 - 00:30:05:09
then I'm going to apply and be like,
hey babe, guess what I did today?

00:30:05:13 - 00:30:07:05
I applied for grad school.

00:30:07:05 - 00:30:10:22
I think I've got a good chance, you know,
whatever it is, that's how it happened.

00:30:11:04 - 00:30:14:28
And so he's like, okay, like we'll apply
and then we'll take it from there

00:30:14:28 - 00:30:17:00
and see what happens. Like,
we don't have to make a decision.

00:30:17:00 - 00:30:18:18
We don't have to uproot and change
everything now.

00:30:18:18 - 00:30:20:11
Yeah, we'll see what happens.

00:30:20:11 - 00:30:22:27
And so he's never told me.

00:30:22:27 - 00:30:26:18
No not that he can or should,
but he can say like,

00:30:26:18 - 00:30:28:20
hey, I don't think now is the right time
or let's

00:30:28:20 - 00:30:30:17
sit down and talk
or how are we going to pay for this?

00:30:30:17 - 00:30:33:03
Or do you have the head space?
What about work?

00:30:33:03 - 00:30:34:11
What is work going to say like,

00:30:34:11 - 00:30:37:04
nonetheless, he's always been like,
okay, let's do it.

00:30:37:04 - 00:30:39:25
And I think he he's very good
at letting me learn

00:30:39:25 - 00:30:43:06
from my own mistakes
or letting me make my own mistakes.

00:30:43:06 - 00:30:43:21
Okay.

00:30:43:21 - 00:30:45:26
Because then I was in this moment
of like impulsive.

00:30:45:26 - 00:30:49:12
I applied, I got in, and then I got in
and I'm like, how do I pay for it?

00:30:49:13 - 00:30:52:04
He's like, so now we're going to sit
down and talk, right? Like

00:30:53:06 - 00:30:55:06
we're going to have this conversation
and we're going to do budge.

00:30:55:06 - 00:30:55:28
And he's

00:30:55:28 - 00:31:00:00
this forward, long term thinker where
I'm an in the moment in the action, like,

00:31:00:13 - 00:31:01:05
how do we do this now?

00:31:01:05 - 00:31:03:21
What's going on? And he's like,
okay, well, I've set a budget for us.

00:31:03:21 - 00:31:05:15
I've been thinking about this
in the background.

00:31:05:15 - 00:31:08:04
Oh wow. This is how we can do it
or this is what would need to happen.

00:31:08:04 - 00:31:11:04
You know, I'm okay if you're okay. Yeah.

00:31:11:04 - 00:31:14:29
And so having his different personality,
my different personality

00:31:14:29 - 00:31:17:29
where we were really worked for us. Wow.

00:31:18:04 - 00:31:22:14
And I also heard you mention in there
kind of the importance for you,

00:31:22:14 - 00:31:27:28
it sounds like of also demonstrating
kind of your narrative

00:31:27:28 - 00:31:31:24
and the change in your narrative rather
for your children.

00:31:32:10 - 00:31:35:00
Why is that so important to you?

00:31:35:00 - 00:31:38:20
Yeah, again,
with the support of, of a therapist,

00:31:39:21 - 00:31:40:24
I realized that in

00:31:40:24 - 00:31:46:04
addition to maybe an impulsive,
I also now that I'm in a loving

00:31:46:04 - 00:31:49:18
and supportive relationship,
I want to take Ignacio into consideration.

00:31:49:28 - 00:31:52:28
And not just Ignacio,
but the girls into consideration.

00:31:53:00 - 00:31:56:11
And so when I make these big decisions
or want to make these big decisions,

00:31:56:11 - 00:32:00:07
I sit down and I think about it first
and see how it would affect him and them.

00:32:00:17 - 00:32:04:21
But at the back of my mind,
what keeps pushing me forward is

00:32:05:21 - 00:32:10:12
I feel like life,
yes, is a marathon, but I'm starting

00:32:10:12 - 00:32:14:05
from a place as a first generation,
as a Latina, as a woman.

00:32:15:00 - 00:32:17:17
I'm starting from back here
in this marathon.

00:32:17:17 - 00:32:21:06
And so I for so long,
I was in this sprint to just catch up

00:32:21:06 - 00:32:24:23
to the start line where everybody else,
where I felt everybody else was that

00:32:25:02 - 00:32:28:06
that I was just I was running
and I was in this survival mode.

00:32:28:17 - 00:32:31:17
And I realized that, yes, it's a marathon.

00:32:31:18 - 00:32:34:22
There's some sprints every now and then,
but I want my girls

00:32:34:22 - 00:32:38:27
to start their marathon much further
than I started my marathon.

00:32:39:16 - 00:32:43:27
And it may be something in my head that
I've constructed, but it's something that

00:32:44:27 - 00:32:45:22
my mom got me

00:32:45:22 - 00:32:48:24
to a certain place, and I'm going
to get my daughters to a certain place.

00:32:48:24 - 00:32:50:06
And this quote of,

00:32:50:06 - 00:32:54:06
we're standing on the shoulders
of the generations that came before us.

00:32:54:21 - 00:32:56:00
It's 100%.

00:32:56:00 - 00:32:59:11
And it's what motivates me to keep going,
not just for Zoe and Mila, but

00:32:59:25 - 00:33:03:17
for every other child in the world
who looks like them or is represented

00:33:03:17 - 00:33:07:09
by them, or has similar experiences
or dreams or desires.

00:33:08:07 - 00:33:13:15
Have you seen that change,
even just in your small little circle of,

00:33:13:21 - 00:33:17:13
you know, others maybe seeing, like you
said, someone that looks like you,

00:33:17:13 - 00:33:21:19
that sounds like you kind of being able
to do these things that

00:33:21:19 - 00:33:27:02
maybe they've never thought I could do
or that were possible.

00:33:27:02 - 00:33:29:12
Have you have you been able
to kind of see some of that?

00:33:29:12 - 00:33:33:08
Yeah, I, I've seen it in my own
two daughters that we Mila, I joked that

00:33:33:15 - 00:33:36:15
when I became a doctor,
they were going to refer to me as doctor.

00:33:36:25 - 00:33:39:24
And they did for the first few weeks,
and then they got all of them.

00:33:39:24 - 00:33:40:26
Your mom again.

00:33:40:26 - 00:33:44:24
But anytime we're out and some like, oh,
Miss Corona or Miss Amanda,

00:33:45:06 - 00:33:48:26
my oldest is like it's Doctor
Corona or Doctor Amanda.

00:33:49:06 - 00:33:51:06
And if a part of me that's very proud.

00:33:51:06 - 00:33:54:25
Not from this point of vanity,
but from this point of it,

00:33:54:29 - 00:33:58:24
just because I'm a Latina doesn't mean
I'm a miss or that I'm not a doctor.

00:33:58:24 - 00:34:01:03
Don't assume the other way.

00:34:01:03 - 00:34:04:03
Yeah, and I've seen, you know,
since doing my dissertation

00:34:04:03 - 00:34:07:12
and my defense, people have called
and said, I watched your video

00:34:07:12 - 00:34:10:21
or I was there and, you know,
I felt so empowered that

00:34:10:21 - 00:34:14:13
now I'm looking into doctoral programs
or I sent this to my coworker.

00:34:14:15 - 00:34:18:04
Can I invite my coworker,
would you mind meeting with so-and-so?

00:34:18:12 - 00:34:20:07
And for my own family?

00:34:20:07 - 00:34:23:18
I'm the first to go to college, and
I was the first to graduate high school.

00:34:23:27 - 00:34:27:21
And my younger sister
and my younger brother in the last year,

00:34:27:21 - 00:34:29:13
one of them got her GED.

00:34:29:13 - 00:34:33:19
Wow. After years and then one of them
graduated from community college.

00:34:33:29 - 00:34:37:26
And it just not that
I had anything to do with it, but to think

00:34:38:22 - 00:34:41:29
maybe they saw something
and maybe their kids will see something,

00:34:41:29 - 00:34:43:20
and maybe their friends
will see something,

00:34:43:20 - 00:34:48:01
and maybe that'll inspire or ignite
and create these ripples in the world.

00:34:48:23 - 00:34:51:08
Was that difficult to step out of

00:34:51:08 - 00:34:54:08
some of that generational kind of pattern?

00:34:54:21 - 00:34:55:19
It was very difficult.

00:34:55:19 - 00:34:59:12
So I think I mentioned
I was the first person to leave the home

00:34:59:24 - 00:35:03:02
and move away,
and I moved 70, 100 miles away.

00:35:03:15 - 00:35:07:21
And I didn't realize it at the time,
but I had to distance myself

00:35:08:00 - 00:35:11:01
from my family,
in my community, in my hometown,

00:35:11:11 - 00:35:15:06
because if I had stayed,
I would have fallen into that same cycle.

00:35:15:25 - 00:35:18:16
Yeah, this is where we're at,
and this is what we do.

00:35:18:16 - 00:35:22:18
But being over here and trying
something new and making my own life,

00:35:23:04 - 00:35:26:23
I was I was thriving
and I was challenged to figure things out.

00:35:27:12 - 00:35:29:12
I think I struggle, though,
to find connection

00:35:29:12 - 00:35:32:19
with my younger brothers and sisters
because they grew up without me

00:35:32:19 - 00:35:37:14
and I missed all of those, you know,
family birthday parties or holidays

00:35:37:18 - 00:35:42:16
because I either had finals or was working
or made San Diego my home now.

00:35:42:26 - 00:35:45:16
So that's a relationship that I am now

00:35:45:16 - 00:35:49:04
starting to nurture
and cultivate with my family now.

00:35:49:22 - 00:35:52:22
So I'm very curious, like, if you could,

00:35:53:09 - 00:35:57:15
you know, if you had a Delorean
and you could go back in time,

00:35:58:00 - 00:36:02:24
is there anything
that you would tell yourself,

00:36:03:02 - 00:36:05:09
you know, even just work
now for somebody else who

00:36:05:09 - 00:36:08:10
maybe is in that same position
at the very beginning,

00:36:08:19 - 00:36:12:07
you know, where they can relate
to even just a small part of your story.

00:36:12:07 - 00:36:14:23
What would you offer to yourself, to them?

00:36:14:23 - 00:36:16:25
Yeah, I think a, a big

00:36:17:24 - 00:36:20:14
back to the future moment,

00:36:20:14 - 00:36:24:03
would be that
you can have the life you've dreamt of.

00:36:24:17 - 00:36:27:13
And just because circumstances change,
does it mean that

00:36:27:13 - 00:36:29:01
that's no longer in the cards for you?

00:36:29:01 - 00:36:32:20
It's just going to look different than you
thought it was going to look like?

00:36:33:06 - 00:36:34:13
And that's not bad.

00:36:34:13 - 00:36:36:04
And that's not necessarily good.

00:36:36:04 - 00:36:40:12
That's the cards you're dealt with,
and it's up to you to make that

00:36:40:20 - 00:36:43:24
conscious choice of, all right,
this is the situation we're in.

00:36:44:09 - 00:36:46:19
How do we move forward in this situation?

00:36:46:19 - 00:36:50:11
And knowing that I could be a mom
and a great mom and I could enjoy it

00:36:50:11 - 00:36:53:18
and I could love it,
and then I could also love and enjoy

00:36:53:19 - 00:36:56:29
going to work and making a difference
in that space as well.

00:36:57:07 - 00:37:00:07
And you can even find a way
to marry the two.

00:37:00:14 - 00:37:05:13
And I take the girls to the university
with me all the time at the events and,

00:37:05:20 - 00:37:08:20
and they they're seen
and they're part of this culture.

00:37:08:24 - 00:37:10:12
And I think it makes me feel

00:37:10:12 - 00:37:13:12
that much more connected to the work
that I'm doing. Wow.

00:37:13:22 - 00:37:15:10
Do you think that,

00:37:16:24 - 00:37:18:04
you know, there's any part

00:37:18:04 - 00:37:21:24
of you
where that that idea of this is selfish?

00:37:22:01 - 00:37:25:01
Is that still creep up for you,
or have you been able to,

00:37:25:04 - 00:37:28:04
you know, kind of squash it enough
that it's it's it's muted.

00:37:28:14 - 00:37:30:16
I think it's pretty muted.

00:37:30:16 - 00:37:32:22
And I, it's something
Ignacio shared with me.

00:37:32:22 - 00:37:35:22
And again he's this
you know finance long term thinker.

00:37:36:17 - 00:37:40:16
The biggest selfish moment was
how can I go back and get a doctorate

00:37:41:00 - 00:37:43:16
when I have two kids
who I want to put through college one day

00:37:43:16 - 00:37:45:06
and or want to help support
through college?

00:37:45:06 - 00:37:47:11
I should be saving for their college,
not mine.

00:37:47:11 - 00:37:49:03
Like, that's so selfish.

00:37:49:03 - 00:37:53:07
And he's like, well,
maybe it's an investment in yourself

00:37:53:07 - 00:37:55:14
so that you are in a better
we are in a better place

00:37:55:14 - 00:37:59:01
to help support them when they decide
what their path is going to be.

00:37:59:04 - 00:38:01:12
Yeah. And I'm like, dang, I like

00:38:02:11 - 00:38:05:20
I like it, okay, I will invest in myself.

00:38:05:20 - 00:38:08:12
And sure enough, investing in myself,
my happiness.

00:38:08:12 - 00:38:12:05
I found my passion with what I love to do
and that is

00:38:12:18 - 00:38:15:29
more than gold, is to show them
what a happy person

00:38:16:04 - 00:38:19:14
and a happy mom
and a happy human being can be.

00:38:20:10 - 00:38:22:13
Do you think that

00:38:22:13 - 00:38:25:13
kind of that shift, that mindset shift of,

00:38:25:22 - 00:38:28:22
you know, as we say,
putting on your own oxygen mask first?

00:38:29:05 - 00:38:32:04
Has that helped you be able

00:38:32:04 - 00:38:35:04
to show up in a different capacity
for your girls?

00:38:35:19 - 00:38:36:16
It definitely has.

00:38:36:16 - 00:38:37:28
So I've always struggled with that.

00:38:37:28 - 00:38:41:00
Being on an airplane and you save yourself
before you save your child.

00:38:41:00 - 00:38:43:26
No, that's so counterintuitive.
We save the child.

00:38:43:26 - 00:38:49:07
But I get that if I'm not in a good
headspace, how can I model that for you?

00:38:49:16 - 00:38:53:07
And a lot of it is for the modeling of,
yeah, I'm frustrated

00:38:53:07 - 00:38:55:08
and I'm overwhelmed,
but I'm going to take second, I'm

00:38:55:08 - 00:38:57:18
going to breathe
and we're going to talk this through.

00:38:57:18 - 00:38:57:26
Yeah.

00:38:57:26 - 00:39:00:26
And so it's definitely helped me
be more present

00:39:00:26 - 00:39:03:26
for them and enjoy being present for them.

00:39:03:26 - 00:39:06:26
And I say enjoy
because for a long time it was

00:39:07:04 - 00:39:12:01
how do I continue to excel in my career
while being a mom.

00:39:12:01 - 00:39:15:07
And so when I was at home after work,
after eight hours of work

00:39:15:07 - 00:39:17:00
and I finally see the girls and I'm like,

00:39:17:00 - 00:39:20:22
okay, good dress, bed time, you know,
brush your teeth, all these things.

00:39:20:22 - 00:39:22:19
And then I'm thinking about,
okay, tomorrow at work,

00:39:22:19 - 00:39:25:20
this is how I'm gonna run that meeting
or what kind of great idea.

00:39:25:27 - 00:39:29:22
And I just wanted them to go to bed
so that I can start planning my work day.

00:39:30:07 - 00:39:31:23
Okay. And I was struggling with.

00:39:31:23 - 00:39:33:25
I'm not being present.
Like, I'm not enjoying.

00:39:33:25 - 00:39:35:19
I'm not seeing them. Yeah.

00:39:35:19 - 00:39:37:13
And the second I realize

00:39:37:13 - 00:39:41:29
now, like I'm going to close
work door, okay, open family door.

00:39:41:29 - 00:39:44:19
And during this time
we're going to talk about like

00:39:44:19 - 00:39:49:10
building Legos or doing a science project
or uncovering gems

00:39:49:10 - 00:39:53:12
or how stars are made and enjoy it
and see there.

00:39:54:00 - 00:39:57:14
Is there a specific routine or like a tip

00:39:57:14 - 00:40:01:18
that you could offer of how your able to,
like you said, close that door.

00:40:01:27 - 00:40:04:02
Work as work homeless home? Yeah,

00:40:05:01 - 00:40:05:29
I am very big

00:40:05:29 - 00:40:11:01
on calendaring, so I try to plan out
my week as best as I can.

00:40:11:01 - 00:40:13:27
And looking at that day, you know,
the week on Monday, Monday morning.

00:40:13:27 - 00:40:16:13
Okay, what does this week look like?
Do we have activities?

00:40:16:13 - 00:40:18:01
Do we have sports or I have meetings.

00:40:18:01 - 00:40:19:17
Do I have a conference?

00:40:19:17 - 00:40:23:09
Do I have a project that's do
and then plan around that okay.

00:40:23:09 - 00:40:24:16
And so that also means

00:40:24:16 - 00:40:26:06
like I'm not going to stay up
till two in the morning

00:40:26:06 - 00:40:30:08
and watch Netflix on a day that I know
that I have to wake up at 5 a.m.

00:40:30:08 - 00:40:33:00
to be at work for a presentation
at 7 a.m..

00:40:33:00 - 00:40:38:09
And so kind of being mindful
of how I'm planning out and using my time.

00:40:38:09 - 00:40:40:24
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

00:40:40:24 - 00:40:43:07
So aside from a therapist,

00:40:43:07 - 00:40:45:26
were there any resources or,

00:40:47:09 - 00:40:48:16
you know,

00:40:48:16 - 00:40:51:08
support groups or whatever that you found
that would be helpful

00:40:51:08 - 00:40:53:14
for any of our listeners
that are listening that

00:40:53:14 - 00:40:56:23
that was a really big support to you and
kind of navigating some of this journey.

00:40:57:03 - 00:40:58:09
Yeah. ERGs.

00:40:58:09 - 00:41:00:12
So employee resource groups. Okay.

00:41:00:12 - 00:41:04:04
If you are employed, check in
and see if there is a group

00:41:04:04 - 00:41:09:24
that's available to you at my university,
there's a moms group, there's a 0 to 5, a

00:41:09:24 - 00:41:14:11
5 to 10 and different groups based on your
your kids needs, your kids ages.

00:41:14:18 - 00:41:15:24
And you can join these groups.

00:41:15:24 - 00:41:19:04
But, right when I got pregnant
with my second daughter,

00:41:19:04 - 00:41:22:05
again, this concept of now I've got to

00:41:22:06 - 00:41:26:11
maybe I should really stay home and focus
instead of paying for childcare.

00:41:26:11 - 00:41:29:11
Like, maybe it's cheaper
for me to be the childcare.

00:41:29:15 - 00:41:29:29
Yeah.

00:41:29:29 - 00:41:33:17
But I joined this moms group
and I got paired with these five other

00:41:33:17 - 00:41:38:11
working professionals, strong, confident
women who just supported each other

00:41:38:11 - 00:41:41:11
and who talked to each other
about resources.

00:41:41:16 - 00:41:45:26
Looking at, you know, spectrum, autism,
ADHD,

00:41:46:10 - 00:41:52:20
breastfeeding, child care, just felt like
in this safe space to just talk about

00:41:52:20 - 00:41:55:28
what we were experiencing, what was going
on, even if it was our second child.

00:41:56:04 - 00:41:57:08
Okay. It's still new.

00:41:57:08 - 00:41:57:15
Yeah.

00:41:57:15 - 00:42:00:19
And a mom with a toddler
and a second child and work

00:42:00:29 - 00:42:04:08
and marriage and school or work
or all these things.

00:42:04:08 - 00:42:06:00
Yeah, absolutely.

00:42:06:00 - 00:42:07:08
Well, it's so amazing.

00:42:07:08 - 00:42:13:05
And, I think that kind of that story,
like you said, it's such a relatable one.

00:42:13:05 - 00:42:16:29
And I'm hoping that, you know,
our listeners are able to take a little

00:42:16:29 - 00:42:20:25
bit of what you said and, and be able
to internalize some of that idea that

00:42:21:10 - 00:42:22:19
they can have it.

00:42:23:19 - 00:42:25:02
It may look different.

00:42:25:02 - 00:42:29:01
It may mean working in other areas
and kind of almost creativity.

00:42:29:01 - 00:42:32:01
It sounds like,
and kind of how it fits together.

00:42:32:05 - 00:42:36:08
But that becoming a parent,
although like you said,

00:42:36:08 - 00:42:41:15
there might be many,
many shows that try to say that

00:42:41:15 - 00:42:44:23
it's supposed to look this way and that's
what you're supposed to do, that

00:42:45:25 - 00:42:48:26
they are shows and that you've got
to figure out what works

00:42:48:26 - 00:42:51:02
for your own real life.

00:42:51:02 - 00:42:55:13
And for them,
going back to work is not an option.

00:42:55:24 - 00:42:59:11
And so and that doesn't have to reflect

00:42:59:11 - 00:43:03:28
on your value and your worth as a parent
or how much you care about your kids.

00:43:03:28 - 00:43:04:22
Yeah.

00:43:04:22 - 00:43:06:04
So that's really awesome.

00:43:06:04 - 00:43:10:09
And I thank you so much for being willing
to share that story with us and for

00:43:10:09 - 00:43:15:09
your wonderful mamas, fluffiest pancakes
that we're so excited to eat.

00:43:15:09 - 00:43:17:07
I'm sure the kids will love them.

00:43:18:11 - 00:43:21:11
Well, thank you so much, Amanda,
and thank you for joining us.

00:43:21:16 - 00:43:22:22
And thank you all for listening.

00:43:22:22 - 00:43:25:22
We'll see you back next time.

00:43:26:29 - 00:43:29:08
If you or anyone that you know

00:43:29:08 - 00:43:32:25
is struggling with any of the topics
that we discussed in today's episode,

00:43:33:07 - 00:43:36:16
make sure to check out our show notes
for support and resources.

00:43:37:04 - 00:43:39:25
You can get help.

00:43:39:25 - 00:43:41:09
Thanks again for joining us on

00:43:41:09 - 00:43:44:09
today's episode of The Real Family Eats.

00:43:44:20 - 00:43:48:04
If you're a parent ready
to share your real life parenting story,

00:43:48:09 - 00:43:51:23
make sure to reach out to us
and our website found in the show notes.

00:43:52:07 - 00:43:56:25
And that goes for today's recipe
social media's support and resources.

00:43:56:25 - 00:44:00:14
All of that can be found in our show
notes, so make sure to check them out

00:44:01:00 - 00:44:04:15
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00:44:04:15 - 00:44:08:12
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00:44:08:24 - 00:44:13:17
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00:44:14:07 - 00:44:15:06
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