Battling Isolation: Covid Newborn Lockdown + Fried Rice | Real Parents, Real Struggles, & Recipe Sharing

Sarina Chan, LMFT (she/her), mom of 1, talks with Reesa, our resident couples therapist for parents about their real parenting struggles. She is sharing navigating parenting challenges, the parent support and resources they found along the way, and any parenting tips they have discovered through their journey. While they chat parenting insights and stories, they are recipe sharing balancing parenting and family meals. She talks about parenting during COVID pandemic and shares her Fried Rice recipe. Sarina opens up about her struggles with loneliness and isolation that was compounded by the fear of the state of the world and the impact that had during vital periods of this transition that could have benefited from having support. Make sure to subscribe, like, and follow for more recipes and parenting tips.

Have you tried the recipe or a challenge you've tackled? We'd love to hear from you in the comments!

Find Sarina: www.SarinaChanTherapy.com

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Fried Rice

INGREDIENTS:
Leftover cold, white rice (2-3cups)
2eggs (scrambled)
Diced Chinese sausage or Spam (pan-fried)
Frozen peas & carrot mix (1cup) OR frozen mixed veg (1c)
1/2 a sm. sautéed onion (optional)
Seasonings: soy sauce, dark soy sauce, oyster sauce, sesame seed oil

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Defrost frozen veg in warm water & drain. 
2. Scramble the eggs & chop into small pieces. 
3. Pan fry meat & onion, set aside.
4. Heat 1Tbsp veggie oil in lrge pan, add rice & stir 2-3min, add in seasonings, about 3Tbsp each of soy, dark soy, oyster sauce & 1 Tbsp sesame seed oil. 
5. Stir fry to coat all the rice, then add the rest of your ingredients. 
6. Stir fry another 3 min.

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If you or your loved one is struggling with any of the topics discussed, here are some resources:

Embrace Renewal Therapy & Wellness Collective: www.embracerenewaltherapy.com

Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net/

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Disclaimer:

The content provided on this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or treatment. While we aim to share valuable insights and promote mental well-being, our discussions and content are not a substitute for professional mental health services. 

The views and opinions expressed by the host(s) and guests are their own and

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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist 104709. Reesa is a couples counselor for parents providing therapy in person in Murrieta, CA and virtual couples therapy in California. Reesa, also, hosts couples workshops and parenting workshops worldwide.

Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe - https://linktr.ee/EmbraceRenewalTherapy

For the video version of this episode find us on www.youtube.com/@TheRealFamilyEats

If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:

www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988

Go to your local hospital or call 911

Transcript

00:00:00:07 - 00:00:01:15
I'm a therapist.

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I should

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know how to make myself feel happier.

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Or I should know the things

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that I have to do in order to make.

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Make my relationship

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with my husband more harmonious.

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Hey, everyone.

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Thanks for joining me.

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My name is Reesa and I'm your host.

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We are talking to real families

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about real stories.

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Here on The Real Family Eats, where

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we've got food for thought

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and thoughtful food.

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So let's eat.

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Everyone, thanks for joining me today.

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I have my lovely guest today, Sarina.

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Hi, Sarina.

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Thanks so much

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for being on our show today.

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Thanks for having me, Reesa.

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Yay!

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I'm so excited to hear your recipe

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and your story.

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We've got a really kind of,

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I think, pertinent topic

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for a lot of our families here.

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But before we do that,

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for anybody who doesn't know you,

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could you introduce yourself for us?

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Hi.

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Oh, thanks again,

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everyone, for having me.

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Reesa and I go way back.

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I am a marriage and family therapist.

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We were in the same cohort together at,

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University of San Diego. So

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Go Toreros!

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And I have my own

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private practice now, so,

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so that is what I do.

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I'm a therapist in private practice

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and specialize in Asian American,

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issues.

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Cultural identity,

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racial trauma, intergenerational trauma.

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So that's that's me.

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And that's what I do.

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I work part time

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as therapist and full time as mom.

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Awesome.

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So now's our shameless plug section.

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You were mentioning being a therapist.

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I'd love for you

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to share with our guests. Kind of.

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Do you have a website?

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How can they find youth

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that resonates for them?

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That's a great question.

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Right now I just have my website.

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But hopefully,

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hopefully in the future

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we'll focus more on the branding aspect.

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But if you want to find me on my website,

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I am at Sarina Chan Therapy.

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Com and my name is spelled

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S a r I n a c h a n.

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And that's me.

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Wonderful.

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And we'll make sure to link

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that in the show notes

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for anybody who's also needing

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Serena's lovely services

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and helpful services for a population

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that is super important

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and also near

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and dear to my heart as well.

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So yay!

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Okay, so tell me today, what recipe

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are you sharing with us

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and why did you choose this one?

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Okay, so

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full transparency.

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I am,

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and my husband will laugh when he sees

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that I'm not the main chef in the house.

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My husband is amazing,

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so I needed to find a recipe

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that would be somewhat easy

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for me to share.

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This is my mom's fried rice recipe.

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So growing up,

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fried rice was a really,

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it was a dish

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that I would look forward to,

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but it was also something that was easy

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for my mom to make,

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because you can throw in leftover herbs,

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you got old rice, you got some veggies,

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and you need to use up.

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Fried

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rice is the way to kind of combine

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all of those things into a tasty,

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into a tasty meal.

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And I never knew that this was like her

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go to easy. Me also.

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Okay. Out.

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And that's

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what that's the reason

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that will be cooking for us today.

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Awesome. Well, I'm super excited.

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I know my whole family loves fried rice.

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So. So they're excited about this.

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All right,

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so before we get started

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talking a little bit about the story

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you're going to share with us today,

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walk me through some of the first couple

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of steps, of the recipe,

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and I'll get those things

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started while we chat.

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It sounds good.

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So,

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like I was mentioning,

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you've got your ingredients

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and you kind of throw them all together.

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So what we're starting with

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is we're going to scramble some eggs.

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The next part is we're going to cook up

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our meat and our onions.

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And then the last step

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is kind of throwing in the rice

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and warming that up.

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And then by the end

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we're just kind of combining

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your vegetables,

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your scrambled eggs, your meat

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all together.

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And you should have

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a nice, a nice dish by the end of it.

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Okay. Perfect.

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Well, I'll get started.

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So I know one of the stories

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that you were,

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willing to share with us, which, again, I

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so appreciate

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because I think that

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your story is one super powerful

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and also super relatable

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to a lot of folks who,

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had kids

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or were pregnant

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kind of during our Covid quarantine

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and that whole kind of mess, if you will,

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and that it was made it

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likely a very different experience

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than some of the traditional stories

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that you might hear out there.

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So I'd love to kind of hear

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more about that.

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Yeah.

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I'm so glad that

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I'm so appreciative for you and,

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giving a platform to this story

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that I think so many parents had,

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had experienced during the pandemic.

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But,

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basically, my story begins

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in 2020, and January 2020.

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I was,

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and entering my third trimester.

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My due date was April 2020.

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And I thought, oh goodness.

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So right smack when everything shut down.

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I think we all know how that was

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during that time.

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So,

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so I think my husband

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and I started to realize

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things were getting serious when our,

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like birthing classes and our, like,

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pre parenting classes through

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the hospital were starting

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to get canceled.

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So.

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Okay, we were,

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kind of signed up to

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do all take all the like

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the little classes

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that they provided about,

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like feeding baby

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sex, all of that cool stuff.

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And then kind of like,

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by February, March,

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right, as things were starting

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to lock down and, get a bit more intense,

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that's

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when we got the notification, like,

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okay, our classes are getting canceled

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because they're wanting to protect,

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protect everyone.

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And then in the midst of all that,

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we were also closing on a house.

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So.

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Oh, my third trimester,

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all the things are getting canceled.

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Everyone's kind of sheltering in place.

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We were trying to, like,

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finish our our home buying process

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so that we could, like,

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get ready and get moved in.

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But at that time, like, even

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the banks were closing

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because I think everyone,

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was is so uncertain with what,

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what was going on that

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banks were shutting down and hospitals

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were, like, very limited.

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So it was it was a very,

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interesting and uncertain time

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when a lot of our plans

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looked different

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than what we had expected.

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And then by the time,

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by the time,

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my due date rolled around,

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it was the end of April.

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Hospital protocols were,

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very different.

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Like, I think

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I think what ended up happening

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was I had a vision of what

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my labor and delivery would look like,

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and kind of getting settled

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and moved into the house would look like,

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and everything

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kind of like got thrown out

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the window because,

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the day up

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comes and they,

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they had actually sent me away.

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So I went to the hospital.

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I felt the contractions

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that were pretty regularly,

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regularly happening and,

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they sent me away because there were,

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there were trying to, like,

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keep it very limited and like,

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not not trying to have the,

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labor, most of the labor happening

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in the hospital,

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like they wanted people to try to, like,

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stay in their homes

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as long as they could before

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actually admitting them.

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So,

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so yeah, it was it was such a strange

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and bizarre time.

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And I remember, you know,

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I arrived in the hospital,

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I don't know, this time.

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This is my birth story,

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but this is real life, right?

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That's what we're doing here.

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This is real, really good.

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So it was like 5 a.m..

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We got to the house hospital.

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They make me go up there.

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I have to have a mask.

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I'm, like, having contractions,

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trying to breathe, having the mask on.

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Husband is not allowed to come in yet

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because they're trying

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to, like, keep it limited.

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And, they run like they run the test

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and they check me and everything,

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and they're like, oh, you're not far

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long enough yet.

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Like, you might have a few more days

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because this is your first pregnancy.

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And like,

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they were a little bit skeptical

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that it would be happening that day.

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So they said, oh, wow, okay.

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Husband was waiting in the car for me

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and I was like, okay.

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Like, I'm in a lot of pain right now.

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But they said that

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that this might be a couple more days.

00:09:55:16 - 00:09:55:29
So,

00:09:57:17 - 00:09:58:12
so I expect I mean,

00:09:58:12 - 00:10:00:15
how is that for you to like, hear that?

00:10:00:15 - 00:10:02:27
Like you're in significant amount of pain

00:10:02:27 - 00:10:03:15
and they go, oh,

00:10:03:15 - 00:10:04:11
you might be doing this

00:10:04:11 - 00:10:06:15
for a couple more days.

00:10:06:15 - 00:10:08:13
There were like, maybe a few more days,

00:10:08:13 - 00:10:11:13
maybe a week, like, oh, this.

00:10:11:15 - 00:10:12:11
You're not far

00:10:12:11 - 00:10:14:18
long enough for this to be happening

00:10:14:18 - 00:10:15:07
today.

00:10:15:07 - 00:10:18:11
And I was like, yeah, I can't do this.

00:10:20:25 - 00:10:22:12
But you just you just make it work.

00:10:22:12 - 00:10:23:20
You roll with the punches.

00:10:23:20 - 00:10:25:09
It's like, that's what.

00:10:25:09 - 00:10:26:23
It's what you got to do.

00:10:26:23 - 00:10:30:10
So we went home and I proceeded

00:10:30:10 - 00:10:34:16
to labor, like at home for the next.

00:10:34:17 - 00:10:36:15
Okay.

00:10:36:15 - 00:10:38:10
I think maybe like eight hours.

00:10:38:10 - 00:10:40:21
And then by that time I was like, no,

00:10:40:21 - 00:10:41:25
we have to go back.

00:10:41:25 - 00:10:43:24
Like, we really have to go back.

00:10:43:24 - 00:10:45:01
So yeah,

00:10:45:01 - 00:10:45:13
we end up

00:10:45:13 - 00:10:46:29
driving like three rush

00:10:46:29 - 00:10:49:08
hours, the afternoon

00:10:49:08 - 00:10:51:14
rush hour in Southern California,

00:10:52:23 - 00:10:54:24
and then by like

00:10:54:24 - 00:10:56:14
4:00 in that afternoon,

00:10:56:14 - 00:10:58:18
they finally admitted me

00:10:58:18 - 00:10:59:17
because I'm like, oh, okay.

00:10:59:17 - 00:11:01:10
You are for hour long, like,

00:11:01:10 - 00:11:02:07
your husband

00:11:02:07 - 00:11:05:07
can go ahead and come up and,

00:11:06:14 - 00:11:08:16
I just remember thinking like

00:11:08:16 - 00:11:09:14
it was so different

00:11:09:14 - 00:11:12:04
because I wanted my family

00:11:12:04 - 00:11:13:07
and to be there.

00:11:13:07 - 00:11:16:07
I had imagined that

00:11:16:13 - 00:11:18:03
it would be

00:11:18:03 - 00:11:21:00
like I would be able to do all the things

00:11:21:00 - 00:11:22:00
that I had prepared for,

00:11:22:00 - 00:11:23:28
like the birth, fall and walking around

00:11:23:28 - 00:11:25:29
and like being able to have my playlist.

00:11:25:29 - 00:11:28:19
Like I made a playlist for her.

00:11:28:19 - 00:11:28:25
Like,

00:11:28:25 - 00:11:30:08
not that I could hear anything at that,

00:11:30:08 - 00:11:33:11
but yeah, they're like,

00:11:33:11 - 00:11:35:07
these are all the things that, you know,

00:11:35:07 - 00:11:36:17
they say you should prepare for.

00:11:36:17 - 00:11:38:00
We have like the little

00:11:38:00 - 00:11:39:04
the little go bag

00:11:39:04 - 00:11:40:18
with all the stuff and everything.

00:11:40:18 - 00:11:43:21
But I was admitted and they were like,

00:11:43:21 - 00:11:45:27
no, you're you're ready. Like this.

00:11:45:27 - 00:11:46:21
We're going to get ready

00:11:46:21 - 00:11:47:25
to start pushing.

00:11:47:25 - 00:11:49:13
We'll go ahead and let your husband

00:11:49:13 - 00:11:50:21
know that he can come up.

00:11:51:28 - 00:11:54:06
And so

00:11:54:06 - 00:11:55:21
I was admitted,

00:11:55:21 - 00:11:58:12
husband comes up, they swab us both.

00:11:58:12 - 00:12:00:11
They test for Covid.

00:12:00:11 - 00:12:02:02
We all have to mask up.

00:12:02:02 - 00:12:04:16
I'm like laboring

00:12:04:16 - 00:12:06:06
with my mask.

00:12:06:06 - 00:12:06:16
You know,

00:12:06:16 - 00:12:08:00
part of my original birth

00:12:08:00 - 00:12:08:14
plan was like,

00:12:08:14 - 00:12:11:00
I thought that I want ended up in IRL,

00:12:11:00 - 00:12:12:29
but they were like, no,

00:12:12:29 - 00:12:15:00
like this is happening now.

00:12:15:00 - 00:12:16:09
So oh, wait.

00:12:16:09 - 00:12:18:08
So by that point, it was too late

00:12:18:08 - 00:12:18:24
that time.

00:12:18:24 - 00:12:21:04
By that point, it was too late.

00:12:21:04 - 00:12:21:26
I think about by

00:12:21:26 - 00:12:23:05
like I think that worked out

00:12:23:05 - 00:12:24:23
the way it was supposed to go.

00:12:24:23 - 00:12:25:20
I was in a lot of pain,

00:12:25:20 - 00:12:27:15
but it was super fast.

00:12:27:15 - 00:12:29:22
So,

00:12:29:22 - 00:12:31:07
at least I wasn't in a lot of pain

00:12:31:07 - 00:12:33:06
for a long,

00:12:33:06 - 00:12:35:09
so, so, yeah,

00:12:35:09 - 00:12:36:09
I think

00:12:36:09 - 00:12:38:02
it was very much a snapshot

00:12:38:02 - 00:12:38:13
of, like,

00:12:38:13 - 00:12:39:15
the things to come,

00:12:39:15 - 00:12:42:20
like picturing and imagining land

00:12:42:20 - 00:12:45:26
being a certain way and then having it

00:12:45:26 - 00:12:48:26
look completely different and like,

00:12:50:19 - 00:12:52:12
not in a in a way that I

00:12:52:12 - 00:12:54:01
could have ever imagined.

00:12:54:01 - 00:12:56:27
Like having to do deep breathing

00:12:56:27 - 00:12:59:05
with like, N95 masks.

00:12:59:05 - 00:13:00:10
Because at that point,

00:13:00:10 - 00:13:01:14
like 95 homes

00:13:01:14 - 00:13:03:01
weren't really sold and like,

00:13:03:01 - 00:13:04:24
there were shortages and stuff.

00:13:04:24 - 00:13:07:24
So, okay, we had like an old,

00:13:08:24 - 00:13:11:22
like an N95 mask that had been had

00:13:11:22 - 00:13:13:02
for like

00:13:13:02 - 00:13:14:25
woodworking or something like that.

00:13:14:25 - 00:13:15:16
So like

00:13:15:16 - 00:13:16:19
I have that on

00:13:16:19 - 00:13:17:23
and he had something else on

00:13:17:23 - 00:13:19:24
and it was just like, really?

00:13:19:24 - 00:13:21:07
And really

00:13:21:07 - 00:13:24:07
like so strange to look back on.

00:13:25:04 - 00:13:26:12
But can I ask?

00:13:26:12 - 00:13:28:12
I think

00:13:28:12 - 00:13:29:11
I was just going to ask

00:13:29:11 - 00:13:30:14
because I heard you mentioning,

00:13:30:14 - 00:13:30:23
you know,

00:13:30:23 - 00:13:34:16
not necessarily being able to kind of

00:13:34:22 - 00:13:35:15
go through with

00:13:35:15 - 00:13:36:19
some of the things that maybe

00:13:36:19 - 00:13:38:23
you had envisioned in your mind.

00:13:38:23 - 00:13:39:16
And one of them

00:13:39:16 - 00:13:40:14
I heard you mentioned kind of

00:13:40:14 - 00:13:42:08
at the beginning there was that even

00:13:42:08 - 00:13:43:22
like your birthing classes,

00:13:44:20 - 00:13:45:22
got canceled

00:13:45:22 - 00:13:47:02
and you kind of missed out

00:13:47:02 - 00:13:48:25
on being able to complete those.

00:13:48:25 - 00:13:50:01
And I know I've heard

00:13:50:01 - 00:13:51:02
from so many parents,

00:13:51:02 - 00:13:51:14
you know,

00:13:51:14 - 00:13:53:09
kind of the biggest overwhelming thing

00:13:53:09 - 00:13:53:26
is that

00:13:53:26 - 00:13:57:18
they don't give us a parent manual on

00:13:57:18 - 00:13:58:17
how to do these things.

00:13:58:17 - 00:14:00:04
And the closest thing we get

00:14:00:04 - 00:14:01:22
are some of those birthing classes.

00:14:01:22 - 00:14:03:07
For most of us folks

00:14:03:07 - 00:14:03:24
that are doing it

00:14:03:24 - 00:14:04:26
for the very first time.

00:14:04:26 - 00:14:07:21
And so I'm super curious, like,

00:14:07:21 - 00:14:09:00
what was your thought process?

00:14:09:00 - 00:14:10:23
Was that was that scary to not

00:14:10:23 - 00:14:11:11
then be able

00:14:11:11 - 00:14:13:03
to kind of go to those classes

00:14:13:03 - 00:14:14:17
that are supposed to kind of

00:14:14:17 - 00:14:15:07
be there

00:14:15:07 - 00:14:16:04
to help you

00:14:16:04 - 00:14:17:20
and to kind of prepare you like,

00:14:17:20 - 00:14:19:16
can you tell me more about that?

00:14:19:16 - 00:14:22:14
Yeah, I think so.

00:14:22:14 - 00:14:25:14
What they ended up doing was they made

00:14:25:22 - 00:14:28:13
they made videos accessible for.

00:14:28:13 - 00:14:31:25
So, okay, instead of going to the,

00:14:33:10 - 00:14:35:23
instead of going to Kaiser for classes,

00:14:35:23 - 00:14:37:18
they kind of sent links for videos

00:14:37:18 - 00:14:39:17
that we can watch.

00:14:39:17 - 00:14:39:24
Okay.

00:14:39:24 - 00:14:40:25
I think what I missed

00:14:40:25 - 00:14:43:17
was being in the room with other parents

00:14:43:17 - 00:14:45:13
and kind of seeing their questions,

00:14:45:13 - 00:14:49:07
and my feeling that sense of community

00:14:49:07 - 00:14:52:02
as we're all doing this together because.

00:14:52:02 - 00:14:52:15
Yeah.

00:14:52:15 - 00:14:55:15
And I think that,

00:14:55:20 - 00:14:56:24
you know, one thing

00:14:56:24 - 00:14:59:24
that was kind of a theme throughout

00:15:00:02 - 00:15:02:23
the first 2 to 3 years

00:15:02:23 - 00:15:05:02
was this sense of isolation.

00:15:05:02 - 00:15:06:21
And,

00:15:06:21 - 00:15:08:28
so the information was accessible, like,

00:15:08:28 - 00:15:10:16
you can look all of it up.

00:15:10:16 - 00:15:12:19
And I went,

00:15:12:19 - 00:15:15:15
like, read stuff online

00:15:15:15 - 00:15:17:09
and try to, like, read the books

00:15:17:09 - 00:15:18:16
that they provided us.

00:15:18:16 - 00:15:20:14
They had like these little pamphlet

00:15:20:14 - 00:15:23:14
book things that you can read, but,

00:15:23:14 - 00:15:26:11
but I think the thing that I missed

00:15:26:11 - 00:15:27:09
the most out of

00:15:27:09 - 00:15:28:29
that was like the sense of,

00:15:28:29 - 00:15:31:02
I'm not going through this alone.

00:15:31:02 - 00:15:32:20
And I think that was

00:15:32:20 - 00:15:35:29
maybe one of the more traumatic pieces of

00:15:36:25 - 00:15:39:23
not only having a baby during

00:15:39:23 - 00:15:41:10
like at the beginning of the pandemic,

00:15:41:10 - 00:15:43:07
when everything was so uncertain,

00:15:43:07 - 00:15:45:23
but also that feeling of like isolation

00:15:45:23 - 00:15:46:25
because we're having

00:15:46:25 - 00:15:49:27
to physically isolate from everyone else.

00:15:50:23 - 00:15:51:06
Yeah.

00:15:52:13 - 00:15:52:22
So.

00:15:52:22 - 00:15:55:22
Wow. Yeah.

00:15:56:00 - 00:15:58:11
And I appreciate you mentioning that.

00:15:58:11 - 00:15:59:23
I heard you mentioned kind of it

00:15:59:23 - 00:16:00:16
being a theme.

00:16:00:16 - 00:16:01:28
I'd love to kind of hear more like

00:16:01:28 - 00:16:03:12
how how did that end up

00:16:03:12 - 00:16:05:01
playing a role

00:16:05:01 - 00:16:07:20
or kind of in, in the next steps?

00:16:07:20 - 00:16:09:02
Because at pandemic, you're

00:16:09:02 - 00:16:10:25
you're right at the beginning here.

00:16:10:25 - 00:16:11:29
And, you know,

00:16:11:29 - 00:16:15:02
we were in it for a good like two years,

00:16:15:02 - 00:16:18:05
which is those, those big growing edges.

00:16:18:09 - 00:16:18:24
Right?

00:16:18:24 - 00:16:20:24
As you're growing as a parent,

00:16:20:24 - 00:16:22:15
you're growing as a human being.

00:16:22:15 - 00:16:23:08
I mean, that's

00:16:23:08 - 00:16:24:23
that's a lot to kind of handle.

00:16:24:23 - 00:16:26:28
And like you said, to have to do it

00:16:26:28 - 00:16:28:03
in such isolation.

00:16:28:03 - 00:16:28:18
I imagine

00:16:28:18 - 00:16:31:18
that being incredibly difficult.

00:16:31:22 - 00:16:33:03
Yeah.

00:16:33:03 - 00:16:35:07
And I think

00:16:35:07 - 00:16:37:01
there was a whole

00:16:37:01 - 00:16:39:14
like mix of feelings that were happening.

00:16:39:14 - 00:16:40:05
Right? Like

00:16:41:10 - 00:16:41:28
being at

00:16:41:28 - 00:16:44:14
home and having to work from home

00:16:44:14 - 00:16:46:03
wasn't the worst.

00:16:46:03 - 00:16:49:12
That meant more time spent with

00:16:50:10 - 00:16:53:05
baby and I was able to.

00:16:53:05 - 00:16:56:05
I like the breastfeeding aspect was

00:16:56:21 - 00:16:58:15
easier than if I had to, you know,

00:16:58:15 - 00:16:59:13
go back to an office

00:16:59:13 - 00:17:00:23
after maternity leave

00:17:00:23 - 00:17:01:17
and have to figure out,

00:17:01:17 - 00:17:02:23
like a pumping schedule

00:17:02:23 - 00:17:05:09
and things like that.

00:17:05:09 - 00:17:07:22
So there were definitely some

00:17:07:22 - 00:17:10:11
unexpected roles,

00:17:10:11 - 00:17:13:11
being able to,

00:17:14:00 - 00:17:14:29
being able

00:17:14:29 - 00:17:19:00
to be at home for that extended

00:17:19:00 - 00:17:20:20
length of time.

00:17:20:20 - 00:17:22:11
But

00:17:22:11 - 00:17:23:20
the,

00:17:23:20 - 00:17:25:27
the feeling of disconnect,

00:17:25:27 - 00:17:28:27
I think, was,

00:17:29:06 - 00:17:32:09
you know, not only not only physically

00:17:32:09 - 00:17:34:05
where we having to

00:17:34:05 - 00:17:37:05
isolate from everyone else, but

00:17:38:01 - 00:17:40:26
I think the

00:17:40:26 - 00:17:43:07
like anxiety that both my husband

00:17:43:07 - 00:17:46:07
and I felt like kind of took it to

00:17:46:09 - 00:17:47:21
this place of like, okay, we,

00:17:47:21 - 00:17:49:22
we really can't meet up with anyone.

00:17:49:22 - 00:17:51:15
And then it became really

00:17:51:15 - 00:17:55:05
easy to also not intentionally reach out.

00:17:55:18 - 00:17:58:26
And I just think, I don't know, like

00:17:59:26 - 00:18:01:08
maybe you could speak more to

00:18:01:08 - 00:18:02:14
this, but

00:18:02:14 - 00:18:03:25
in the beginning, as we're

00:18:03:25 - 00:18:05:06
transitioning into parenthood

00:18:05:06 - 00:18:08:01
and where, you know, up at all hours

00:18:08:01 - 00:18:10:05
and we're like the messiest versions

00:18:10:05 - 00:18:13:00
of ourselves at that point, like, yeah,

00:18:13:00 - 00:18:13:28
it was felt

00:18:13:28 - 00:18:14:17
very much like

00:18:14:17 - 00:18:16:08
I didn't want to talk to anyone

00:18:16:08 - 00:18:17:17
at that time.

00:18:17:17 - 00:18:19:14
Like it was so easy

00:18:19:14 - 00:18:21:25
to not only physically isolate

00:18:21:25 - 00:18:22:25
because we had to,

00:18:22:25 - 00:18:25:06
but kind of emotionally

00:18:25:06 - 00:18:28:28
and like socially disconnect

00:18:28:28 - 00:18:31:28
from from everyone.

00:18:32:20 - 00:18:35:29
Because of the anxiety, because of the,

00:18:36:23 - 00:18:39:19
like the perfectionist

00:18:39:19 - 00:18:40:20
not wanting others

00:18:40:20 - 00:18:42:22
to see how messy things were

00:18:42:22 - 00:18:44:29
and how like how scared we were

00:18:44:29 - 00:18:45:24
and how

00:18:45:24 - 00:18:48:24
anxious I was and how stressed out I was.

00:18:49:22 - 00:18:52:07
So I think, I don't know,

00:18:52:07 - 00:18:53:23
I definitely experienced

00:18:53:23 - 00:18:55:23
postpartum anxiety,

00:18:55:23 - 00:18:57:08
but also

00:18:57:08 - 00:18:58:25
like, it was difficult to know,

00:18:58:25 - 00:19:00:18
like how much of this is,

00:19:00:18 - 00:19:01:27
how much of this is

00:19:01:27 - 00:19:04:15
because there's a pandemic happening?

00:19:04:15 - 00:19:04:24
Yeah.

00:19:04:24 - 00:19:07:28
So I tended to isolate myself.

00:19:07:28 - 00:19:09:15
And I think that was

00:19:09:15 - 00:19:12:08
one thing like looking back several years

00:19:12:08 - 00:19:12:26
down the road

00:19:12:26 - 00:19:14:06
at this point and like, wow,

00:19:14:06 - 00:19:14:29
like that

00:19:14:29 - 00:19:18:01
was so easy to fall into that pattern.

00:19:18:27 - 00:19:20:08
Yeah.

00:19:20:08 - 00:19:20:29
Can you tell me

00:19:20:29 - 00:19:21:22
I know you mentioned

00:19:21:22 - 00:19:25:14
kind of the anxiety is like for you.

00:19:25:23 - 00:19:27:19
How did that end up kind of presenting?

00:19:27:19 - 00:19:29:20
What did that look like?

00:19:29:20 - 00:19:30:16
Yeah.

00:19:30:16 - 00:19:31:04
Oh man.

00:19:31:04 - 00:19:32:18
I like look at some of the things.

00:19:32:18 - 00:19:33:07
And you know,

00:19:33:07 - 00:19:35:25
we know so much more about Covid

00:19:35:25 - 00:19:37:12
now than we did back then.

00:19:37:12 - 00:19:40:05
But I think it looked like

00:19:40:05 - 00:19:43:05
well, I think the other piece to mention

00:19:43:16 - 00:19:45:18
that puts it a little more into context

00:19:45:18 - 00:19:48:20
is that once we once we brought,

00:19:50:11 - 00:19:51:29
baby home

00:19:51:29 - 00:19:53:01
and we were doing like the day

00:19:53:01 - 00:19:54:26
after check up and the,

00:19:54:26 - 00:19:56:20
the follow ups and things like that,

00:19:56:20 - 00:19:57:17
it turns out that

00:19:57:17 - 00:19:59:28
he ended up having jaundice

00:19:59:28 - 00:20:00:14
and we needed

00:20:00:14 - 00:20:03:14
to bring him back to be admitted.

00:20:03:18 - 00:20:04:27
Wow.

00:20:04:27 - 00:20:07:23
In the medical, to do like,

00:20:07:23 - 00:20:10:23
was, was like scary to hear that.

00:20:11:20 - 00:20:12:26
Was it scary to hear that

00:20:12:26 - 00:20:13:20
for you

00:20:13:20 - 00:20:15:26
as a parent, especially as a new parent.

00:20:15:26 - 00:20:18:04
It was like another unexpected thing.

00:20:18:04 - 00:20:20:19
Like oh you know his,

00:20:20:19 - 00:20:23:01
his blood tests are showing that his like

00:20:23:01 - 00:20:25:05
bilirubin levels are elevated.

00:20:25:05 - 00:20:26:17
And what we're going to try to do

00:20:26:17 - 00:20:27:13
is we're going to try to do

00:20:27:13 - 00:20:29:18
like a light blanket for him.

00:20:29:18 - 00:20:32:24
And then they ended up saying like, oh,

00:20:32:24 - 00:20:33:29
we need like

00:20:33:29 - 00:20:35:08
a more intensive treatment

00:20:35:08 - 00:20:36:00
for this jaundice

00:20:36:00 - 00:20:38:11
because it's escalating more quickly.

00:20:38:11 - 00:20:42:00
So having him admitted and doing

00:20:42:00 - 00:20:43:28
like the light box treatment.

00:20:43:28 - 00:20:44:26
So it's basically like you

00:20:44:26 - 00:20:45:24
put your baby in a box

00:20:45:24 - 00:20:46:26
and then there's like light

00:20:46:26 - 00:20:49:05
and then yeah, helps with

00:20:49:05 - 00:20:50:03
that, helps with that.

00:20:51:26 - 00:20:53:10
I think

00:20:53:10 - 00:20:54:28
that the feeling of like,

00:20:54:28 - 00:20:56:23
okay, things are okay

00:20:56:23 - 00:20:59:23
because he's at home, things are good now

00:20:59:29 - 00:21:00:12
and then

00:21:00:12 - 00:21:01:23
unexpected of like,

00:21:01:23 - 00:21:04:13
we'll actually need to bring him back

00:21:04:13 - 00:21:06:23
and he has to go through this treatment

00:21:06:23 - 00:21:08:11
and it's like, gotcha.

00:21:08:11 - 00:21:10:03
A lot of a lot of babies,

00:21:10:03 - 00:21:12:17
especially of East Asian descent,

00:21:12:17 - 00:21:14:20
have done this.

00:21:14:20 - 00:21:16:06
And it's really common.

00:21:16:06 - 00:21:17:14
But at the time

00:21:17:14 - 00:21:19:17
it's like you have to bring him back.

00:21:19:17 - 00:21:21:03
There has to be only one parent

00:21:21:03 - 00:21:24:03
that's allowed in. So you can't both go.

00:21:24:03 - 00:21:26:16
And because of the Covid protocols

00:21:26:16 - 00:21:27:08
and things like that,

00:21:27:08 - 00:21:30:08
you have to wear a mask the whole time.

00:21:30:14 - 00:21:32:02
And then, like,

00:21:32:02 - 00:21:34:18
getting the hang of things,

00:21:34:18 - 00:21:36:27
but also having that disruption,

00:21:36:27 - 00:21:38:21
I think, kind of worsened

00:21:38:21 - 00:21:40:25
the anxiety of like,

00:21:40:25 - 00:21:42:20
you can't let your guard down.

00:21:42:20 - 00:21:45:02
So yeah, after

00:21:45:02 - 00:21:46:06
he was only in that treatment

00:21:46:06 - 00:21:48:18
for like 24 hours, but,

00:21:48:18 - 00:21:50:29
which was very, you know, quick.

00:21:50:29 - 00:21:52:10
And I'm thankful for that.

00:21:52:10 - 00:21:54:05
But I think what ended up happening was

00:21:55:06 - 00:21:56:07
both me and my husband

00:21:56:07 - 00:21:57:25
had anxiety about Covid,

00:21:57:25 - 00:21:59:10
and we would do the things like,

00:21:59:10 - 00:22:01:06
we can't go outside without a mask,

00:22:01:06 - 00:22:02:17
so we want to take a walk.

00:22:02:17 - 00:22:03:27
We have to have a mask on.

00:22:03:27 - 00:22:05:21
We have to like Clorox.

00:22:05:21 - 00:22:08:21
Our grocery is we have to like

00:22:08:21 - 00:22:10:12
make sure that any like

00:22:10:12 - 00:22:13:12
no one can visit except for

00:22:13:15 - 00:22:15:09
like maybe grandparents and is after

00:22:15:09 - 00:22:16:11
they have

00:22:16:11 - 00:22:17:15
like isolated

00:22:17:15 - 00:22:18:02
a couple days

00:22:18:02 - 00:22:19:16
to make sure they're not sick.

00:22:19:16 - 00:22:21:02
So it was extreme.

00:22:21:02 - 00:22:22:10
It was extreme at that time.

00:22:22:10 - 00:22:22:25
And I think that's

00:22:22:25 - 00:22:25:25
how our anxiety manifested.

00:22:26:01 - 00:22:27:19
Gotcha.

00:22:27:19 - 00:22:29:26
And I imagine to kind of

00:22:29:26 - 00:22:31:10
because I hear you mentioning, you know,

00:22:31:10 - 00:22:32:11
this is your experience

00:22:32:11 - 00:22:33:10
and it is hard,

00:22:33:10 - 00:22:34:12
especially when you're

00:22:34:12 - 00:22:35:15
kind of locked down

00:22:35:15 - 00:22:36:28
and isolated to know, like,

00:22:36:28 - 00:22:41:06
how much of this is just kind of expected

00:22:41:06 - 00:22:42:26
with, with new parents

00:22:42:26 - 00:22:44:13
and kind of some of those anxieties.

00:22:44:13 - 00:22:45:08
How much of it like you

00:22:45:08 - 00:22:46:15
said, is related

00:22:46:15 - 00:22:49:15
or even exacerbated by a postpartum?

00:22:49:22 - 00:22:51:03
And then on top of it, like you

00:22:51:03 - 00:22:52:24
said, now there's also there's,

00:22:52:24 - 00:22:53:04
you know,

00:22:53:04 - 00:22:56:15
tons of news about what's happening

00:22:56:15 - 00:22:57:25
with the pandemic, that you're

00:22:57:25 - 00:23:00:09
just kind of layering all of these,

00:23:01:24 - 00:23:03:14
factors that could be, you

00:23:03:14 - 00:23:04:12
know, triggers

00:23:04:12 - 00:23:06:28
for the onset of, of these high

00:23:06:28 - 00:23:08:03
anxiety symptoms.

00:23:08:03 - 00:23:09:21
And we're just kind of perfect

00:23:09:21 - 00:23:12:06
storming them around you and your family.

00:23:12:06 - 00:23:14:14
It sounds like.

00:23:14:14 - 00:23:16:26
Yeah, yeah, it was so many layers

00:23:16:26 - 00:23:18:12
at that time.

00:23:18:12 - 00:23:20:12
And I remember the

00:23:20:12 - 00:23:24:00
the toll it took on my husband.

00:23:24:00 - 00:23:27:00
And I think our interactions,

00:23:27:05 - 00:23:30:05
because both of us were so,

00:23:31:08 - 00:23:32:00
on edge

00:23:32:00 - 00:23:32:24
about everything

00:23:32:24 - 00:23:35:24
at that time that it became,

00:23:35:28 - 00:23:38:06
we fell into a pattern of like,

00:23:38:06 - 00:23:39:12
oh, are you doing enough?

00:23:39:12 - 00:23:40:05
Are you doing it?

00:23:40:05 - 00:23:42:01
And that felt very much like,

00:23:42:01 - 00:23:45:01
okay, now we're at odds because

00:23:45:25 - 00:23:48:10
both of us are,

00:23:48:10 - 00:23:50:19
trying to get the other one to do more.

00:23:50:19 - 00:23:54:00
And constantly feeling like we're

00:23:54:10 - 00:23:55:10
against each other

00:23:55:10 - 00:23:57:22
rather than working together.

00:23:57:22 - 00:23:58:07
It became

00:23:58:07 - 00:24:00:14
very easy to fall into that pattern,

00:24:00:14 - 00:24:01:25
especially like

00:24:01:25 - 00:24:02:19
in that first year,

00:24:02:19 - 00:24:05:19
sleep deprived, adjusting and

00:24:06:13 - 00:24:06:27
trying to

00:24:06:27 - 00:24:08:26
and trying to like, work on top of that.

00:24:08:26 - 00:24:12:02
So it was yeah, it was definitely

00:24:12:02 - 00:24:12:27
a perfect storm,

00:24:12:27 - 00:24:15:20
like you're saying of like so much

00:24:15:20 - 00:24:17:11
and so much stress and anxiety,

00:24:17:11 - 00:24:18:27
but also like trying

00:24:18:27 - 00:24:20:10
to celebrate the fact that,

00:24:21:17 - 00:24:23:20
you know, our family has expanded.

00:24:23:20 - 00:24:24:22
We're creating a lot life.

00:24:24:22 - 00:24:27:21
Yeah. And,

00:24:27:21 - 00:24:28:13
and all these things.

00:24:28:13 - 00:24:29:09
And I think,

00:24:29:09 - 00:24:30:00
you know, that adds

00:24:30:00 - 00:24:31:21
in another layer of like, guilt, like,

00:24:31:21 - 00:24:35:11
why can't I, why can't I be happy that

00:24:36:10 - 00:24:38:12
that like,

00:24:38:12 - 00:24:41:11
we have a baby, we have a house.

00:24:41:11 - 00:24:41:15
Like,

00:24:41:15 - 00:24:42:23
these are all the things that we have

00:24:42:23 - 00:24:43:26
said we've always wanted.

00:24:43:26 - 00:24:46:26
So why does it feel so stressful?

00:24:48:17 - 00:24:48:28
Yeah.

00:24:48:28 - 00:24:49:21
When you say

00:24:49:21 - 00:24:51:00
when you say guilt, like,

00:24:51:00 - 00:24:51:19
was it guilt

00:24:51:19 - 00:24:53:27
that you were having those feelings?

00:24:53:27 - 00:24:55:18
Or can you tell me more about that?

00:24:55:18 - 00:24:58:18
Yeah, I think,

00:24:59:17 - 00:25:00:21
I can, you know, I'm

00:25:00:21 - 00:25:02:16
not sure if you can hear

00:25:02:16 - 00:25:05:16
my kiddo in the background.

00:25:06:09 - 00:25:09:09
Hey, kid, I'm talking to parents.

00:25:09:18 - 00:25:11:09
Noises of kids in the background.

00:25:11:09 - 00:25:13:07
It's kind of okay,

00:25:13:07 - 00:25:15:18
because I don't think so. We're good.

00:25:15:18 - 00:25:17:01
Totally. By. Okay.

00:25:18:26 - 00:25:19:06
Again,

00:25:19:06 - 00:25:22:06
real life folks, you know, I

00:25:22:11 - 00:25:23:27
real talk, I offered him,

00:25:23:27 - 00:25:24:28
I brought him a candy.

00:25:24:28 - 00:25:25:13
I was like,

00:25:25:13 - 00:25:27:15
if you can put on a movie

00:25:27:15 - 00:25:29:00
with grandma and be,

00:25:29:00 - 00:25:31:07
like, nice and calm for the next hour,

00:25:31:07 - 00:25:32:21
I will give you candy

00:25:32:21 - 00:25:34:02
and we'll give you dumb.

00:25:34:02 - 00:25:37:16
My dumb is about three right now, right?

00:25:37:25 - 00:25:38:23
You gotta find something

00:25:38:23 - 00:25:40:08
that that gets there by in.

00:25:40:08 - 00:25:43:08
Absolutely.

00:25:43:20 - 00:25:46:20
But anyways,

00:25:46:27 - 00:25:48:24
just wanted to make sure that was okay.

00:25:48:24 - 00:25:49:21
He won't come in,

00:25:49:21 - 00:25:51:19
but I think he's having fun out,

00:25:51:19 - 00:25:54:19
like, right outside the door now.

00:25:54:19 - 00:25:56:23
But, yeah,

00:25:56:23 - 00:26:00:28
going back to the feeling of guilt,

00:26:00:28 - 00:26:03:28
that kind of happened, I think,

00:26:04:22 - 00:26:07:01
I think this is this is my experience.

00:26:07:01 - 00:26:09:06
There was a guilt of, like,

00:26:09:06 - 00:26:10:05
I'm not doing enough.

00:26:11:04 - 00:26:13:00
I'm not happy enough.

00:26:13:00 - 00:26:15:10
This is what I've always wanted.

00:26:15:10 - 00:26:18:10
So why doesn't it feel easier?

00:26:18:18 - 00:26:19:16
Yeah.

00:26:19:16 - 00:26:21:19
Like I'm a therapist.

00:26:21:19 - 00:26:24:01
I should know how to make myself

00:26:24:01 - 00:26:25:15
feel happier.

00:26:25:15 - 00:26:26:12
Or I should be doing

00:26:26:12 - 00:26:28:09
the things that I have to do in order

00:26:28:09 - 00:26:31:02
to make make my relationship

00:26:31:02 - 00:26:32:21
with my husband more harmonious.

00:26:32:21 - 00:26:34:14
Like all of these pressures,

00:26:34:14 - 00:26:36:16
all of these things that I put on myself,

00:26:36:16 - 00:26:39:16
especially that first year of like, yeah,

00:26:39:26 - 00:26:41:11
like you're not doing enough.

00:26:41:11 - 00:26:42:10
You're not enough.

00:26:42:10 - 00:26:45:10
And then that guilt of,

00:26:45:11 - 00:26:48:11
kind of feeling all of those things,

00:26:49:07 - 00:26:50:06
made it.

00:26:50:06 - 00:26:50:18
Yeah.

00:26:50:18 - 00:26:53:18
And made it. I.

00:26:53:26 - 00:26:57:14
Like super stressful at that time.

00:26:57:23 - 00:26:59:18
So not only were there like,

00:26:59:18 - 00:27:01:00
you know, these environmental

00:27:01:00 - 00:27:02:12
things that are out of our control

00:27:02:12 - 00:27:03:12
that are happening, but,

00:27:05:02 - 00:27:06:24
but kind of those

00:27:06:24 - 00:27:09:24
that first year of,

00:27:10:22 - 00:27:12:15
all of those things happening

00:27:12:15 - 00:27:15:15
all at the same time.

00:27:16:10 - 00:27:18:17
And I think

00:27:18:17 - 00:27:20:11
sorry for the sizzling and crackling.

00:27:20:11 - 00:27:22:06
I'm adding my rice right now.

00:27:22:06 - 00:27:24:03
I'm like, oh, it's going in.

00:27:24:03 - 00:27:27:03
It's looking at,

00:27:28:03 - 00:27:29:13
but you mentioned

00:27:29:13 - 00:27:30:10
kind of this guilt,

00:27:30:10 - 00:27:32:21
this idea of I'm not doing enough.

00:27:32:21 - 00:27:34:07
And, you know, I,

00:27:34:07 - 00:27:36:15
I ought to be able to kind of manage

00:27:36:15 - 00:27:38:13
these things or know how to handle them.

00:27:38:13 - 00:27:39:19
And I think you're

00:27:39:19 - 00:27:42:07
so what you're saying, like, for me,

00:27:42:07 - 00:27:43:03
I know resonates.

00:27:43:03 - 00:27:43:11
I know

00:27:43:11 - 00:27:45:12
I've heard it from dozens of parents

00:27:45:12 - 00:27:47:13
that there's for,

00:27:47:13 - 00:27:47:22
you know,

00:27:47:22 - 00:27:48:22
whether it's coming

00:27:48:22 - 00:27:50:13
from societal pressures,

00:27:50:13 - 00:27:52:09
our own kind of internal pressures

00:27:52:09 - 00:27:53:17
that there is kind of this,

00:27:53:17 - 00:27:55:16
this narrative that we,

00:27:55:16 - 00:27:58:21
I feel like are really good at kind of

00:27:59:09 - 00:28:02:19
going, I need to fit into this,

00:28:02:19 - 00:28:03:29
and this is what it's,

00:28:03:29 - 00:28:05:05
you know, I should,

00:28:05:05 - 00:28:06:21
you know, that word should.

00:28:06:21 - 00:28:07:01
I mean,

00:28:07:01 - 00:28:08:02
I feel like it's such

00:28:08:02 - 00:28:09:15
a common thing that you hear.

00:28:09:15 - 00:28:11:20
And so then there's all these

00:28:11:20 - 00:28:13:08
added like, well,

00:28:13:08 - 00:28:14:15
it doesn't look like that.

00:28:14:15 - 00:28:17:01
So then it must be, you know, something,

00:28:17:01 - 00:28:18:05
something on my end.

00:28:18:05 - 00:28:19:16
I must not be, like you said,

00:28:19:16 - 00:28:21:20
good enough or failing in some way.

00:28:21:20 - 00:28:23:25
Performer. Yeah.

00:28:24:29 - 00:28:25:16
And I

00:28:25:16 - 00:28:28:16
mean gosh I kind of have that feeling

00:28:29:12 - 00:28:31:00
you know I can imagine

00:28:31:00 - 00:28:34:00
feels just only intensifies kind of that

00:28:34:08 - 00:28:36:19
like you said that want to isolate

00:28:36:19 - 00:28:39:13
because why would we want to kind of

00:28:39:13 - 00:28:40:25
expose ourselves like,

00:28:40:25 - 00:28:42:05
you know, expose other people

00:28:42:05 - 00:28:45:05
to seeing that look I'm feeling?

00:28:46:16 - 00:28:47:04
Yeah.

00:28:47:04 - 00:28:49:19
I think,

00:28:49:19 - 00:28:52:19
I think that's so spot on of like,

00:28:54:01 - 00:28:57:11
when we struggle, it's.

00:28:59:12 - 00:29:00:25
It's,

00:29:00:25 - 00:29:02:13
societal pressure tells us

00:29:02:13 - 00:29:04:01
that we shouldn't be struggling, like,

00:29:04:01 - 00:29:05:05
there's all these things

00:29:05:05 - 00:29:06:10
that we need to be doing,

00:29:06:10 - 00:29:08:04
and we need to make it look easy.

00:29:08:04 - 00:29:10:25
And sharing that struggle makes

00:29:10:25 - 00:29:11:24
you look weak.

00:29:11:24 - 00:29:14:24
So I think that,

00:29:15:06 - 00:29:16:19
like so, contributed

00:29:16:19 - 00:29:17:00
to that

00:29:17:00 - 00:29:18:29
first year of like, I can't

00:29:18:29 - 00:29:19:16
I can't

00:29:19:16 - 00:29:21:01
talk to anyone else

00:29:21:01 - 00:29:23:23
about the things that I'm going through

00:29:23:23 - 00:29:25:06
or the struggles that I have

00:29:25:06 - 00:29:26:26
with this parenthood transition.

00:29:26:26 - 00:29:28:16
Like on the outside,

00:29:28:16 - 00:29:29:26
everything should be good.

00:29:29:26 - 00:29:31:11
Like everything should be

00:29:31:11 - 00:29:33:16
super happy and celebratory.

00:29:35:07 - 00:29:38:04
But the

00:29:38:04 - 00:29:41:04
the like.

00:29:42:04 - 00:29:45:04
Pressure to be perfect

00:29:45:27 - 00:29:47:24
really conflicted with wanting

00:29:47:24 - 00:29:50:24
to share that with others.

00:29:51:09 - 00:29:52:26
And then that made it worse, right?

00:29:52:26 - 00:29:58:06
Like my my wanting to not share

00:30:00:00 - 00:30:02:13
how hard that was

00:30:02:13 - 00:30:04:26
exacerbated that feeling of anxiety.

00:30:04:26 - 00:30:07:07
And I'm alone and like,

00:30:07:07 - 00:30:08:28
I'm the only one who's feeling this way.

00:30:08:28 - 00:30:10:27
I'm the only one who can't handle,

00:30:10:27 - 00:30:11:08
handle

00:30:11:08 - 00:30:13:05
what this whole chapter

00:30:13:05 - 00:30:15:11
has looked like so far.

00:30:15:11 - 00:30:17:04
Yeah, yeah.

00:30:17:04 - 00:30:18:27
And and like you said, kind of handle

00:30:18:27 - 00:30:20:23
something that I signed up for, right?

00:30:20:23 - 00:30:21:14
That, hey,

00:30:21:14 - 00:30:22:21
this is something that I wanted.

00:30:22:21 - 00:30:24:06
And, you know, here

00:30:24:06 - 00:30:26:01
I'm kind of saying I can't handle that.

00:30:26:01 - 00:30:30:20
And gosh, like you said, it's such,

00:30:31:16 - 00:30:32:22
such a narrative

00:30:32:22 - 00:30:34:26
that for whatever reason, as

00:30:34:26 - 00:30:36:20
parents are so good at, kind of,

00:30:36:20 - 00:30:38:13
like you said, falling into that

00:30:38:13 - 00:30:41:15
and and having that be so much of

00:30:42:12 - 00:30:43:25
what's kind of dictating

00:30:43:25 - 00:30:45:02
some of those actions

00:30:46:08 - 00:30:48:17
in our life.

00:30:48:17 - 00:30:50:10
Yeah. It's

00:30:50:10 - 00:30:51:29
and I think,

00:30:51:29 - 00:30:54:25
I think social media,

00:30:54:25 - 00:30:56:09
at least for social media,

00:30:56:09 - 00:30:57:22
I was on at that time.

00:30:57:22 - 00:31:01:00
So I wanted to follow other parents

00:31:01:00 - 00:31:02:09
for like tips and tricks

00:31:02:09 - 00:31:03:29
and like how to do things.

00:31:03:29 - 00:31:06:03
But man, that was not a good idea

00:31:06:03 - 00:31:07:18
for me at that time

00:31:07:18 - 00:31:08:01
because it's like,

00:31:08:01 - 00:31:10:05
yeah, I'm not doing that

00:31:10:05 - 00:31:11:19
and I'm not doing that.

00:31:11:19 - 00:31:12:11
And like, oh,

00:31:12:11 - 00:31:14:14
what sense of parenting is that?

00:31:14:14 - 00:31:15:19
Like,

00:31:15:19 - 00:31:16:16
is that another name

00:31:16:16 - 00:31:17:13
for a or

00:31:17:13 - 00:31:20:10
a authoritative or authoritarian parent?

00:31:20:10 - 00:31:21:22
And like all these things

00:31:21:22 - 00:31:23:07
that like we're coming up

00:31:23:07 - 00:31:24:03
and like as a parent,

00:31:24:03 - 00:31:27:02
you should be doing this as a like

00:31:27:02 - 00:31:27:27
these are things you need

00:31:27:27 - 00:31:28:27
to do with an infant,

00:31:28:27 - 00:31:30:07
a newborn to like stimulate

00:31:30:07 - 00:31:31:09
their stimulate

00:31:31:09 - 00:31:32:28
their like cognitive development

00:31:32:28 - 00:31:34:03
and then physical development.

00:31:34:03 - 00:31:35:12
It's all about the milestones.

00:31:37:01 - 00:31:38:04
So much worry about

00:31:38:04 - 00:31:39:20
milestones at that time.

00:31:39:20 - 00:31:41:13
Like

00:31:41:13 - 00:31:44:13
there's yeah, there's such a like

00:31:45:15 - 00:31:48:15
it's such a culture, I think around,

00:31:49:06 - 00:31:51:09
millennial parenting, I think.

00:31:51:09 - 00:31:52:16
And.

00:31:52:16 - 00:31:56:05
Okay, I think that at that time it was

00:31:57:05 - 00:31:58:21
the information was helpful,

00:31:58:21 - 00:32:00:27
but the overload of information

00:32:00:27 - 00:32:02:10
probably backfired.

00:32:02:10 - 00:32:04:19
And it wasn't until I started

00:32:04:19 - 00:32:07:06
seeing more things about like, parents

00:32:07:06 - 00:32:08:01
being vulnerable

00:32:08:01 - 00:32:10:27
or finding humor in the mess and chaos.

00:32:10:27 - 00:32:13:27
That was a little bit more validating.

00:32:14:10 - 00:32:16:04
The occurrence that I was going through.

00:32:16:04 - 00:32:17:14
But that didn't come until later

00:32:17:14 - 00:32:18:20
because I wasn't looking for that

00:32:18:20 - 00:32:20:09
at that time.

00:32:20:09 - 00:32:21:04
Yeah.

00:32:21:04 - 00:32:22:17
And I was just about to ask, like,

00:32:22:17 - 00:32:25:17
how how did you end up

00:32:26:03 - 00:32:28:15
working through that and kind of

00:32:28:15 - 00:32:30:13
getting to the other side of that,

00:32:30:13 - 00:32:30:29
even for

00:32:30:29 - 00:32:31:19
I know you mentioned

00:32:31:19 - 00:32:31:28
kind of

00:32:31:28 - 00:32:32:29
in your relationship

00:32:32:29 - 00:32:34:21
that there were definitely

00:32:34:21 - 00:32:37:21
those added stressors that that,

00:32:38:05 - 00:32:38:18
you know,

00:32:38:18 - 00:32:40:17
were taking a toll on the relationship.

00:32:40:17 - 00:32:43:17
And so I, I'm so curious, like how

00:32:43:24 - 00:32:45:23
what was your journey of being able

00:32:45:23 - 00:32:47:26
to get to that other side

00:32:47:26 - 00:32:50:04
and be able to recognize, like you said,

00:32:50:04 - 00:32:52:04
hey, the social media is

00:32:52:04 - 00:32:53:21
although, you know, the intention

00:32:53:21 - 00:32:55:07
behind following them, right?

00:32:55:07 - 00:32:56:09
Was was there

00:32:56:09 - 00:32:57:10
and it was honorable

00:32:57:10 - 00:32:58:29
that maybe they weren't

00:32:58:29 - 00:32:59:25
kind of

00:32:59:25 - 00:33:02:03
what you needed at that moment in time.

00:33:02:03 - 00:33:04:11
And it was maybe doing a little bit more,

00:33:04:11 - 00:33:05:11
more harm.

00:33:06:16 - 00:33:09:16
Yeah, I think

00:33:09:24 - 00:33:11:09
my yeah,

00:33:11:09 - 00:33:15:20
a turning point for us was.

00:33:17:24 - 00:33:19:08
You know, we

00:33:19:08 - 00:33:21:05
we had several conversations

00:33:21:05 - 00:33:22:24
about getting on the same page

00:33:22:24 - 00:33:25:24
with how we were parenting and what that,

00:33:26:18 - 00:33:27:29
what that looked like.

00:33:27:29 - 00:33:29:25
And,

00:33:29:25 - 00:33:32:21
you know, full transparency.

00:33:32:21 - 00:33:35:10
It was a struggle for like two

00:33:35:10 - 00:33:37:03
the first 2 to 3 years.

00:33:37:03 - 00:33:39:13
I think our turning point happened

00:33:39:13 - 00:33:42:13
when right around when he turned three,

00:33:42:22 - 00:33:45:12
because he was okay, more independent.

00:33:45:12 - 00:33:47:09
And I think we were sleeping

00:33:47:09 - 00:33:49:27
more by that point in my sleep

00:33:49:27 - 00:33:51:26
makes such a huge difference.

00:33:51:26 - 00:33:54:26
But also the timing of,

00:33:56:12 - 00:33:58:08
what was being learned about

00:33:58:08 - 00:33:59:05
Covid

00:33:59:05 - 00:34:01:18
was kind of around that point where,

00:34:01:18 - 00:34:04:18
okay, okay, we can there's a vaccine,

00:34:04:27 - 00:34:05:21
there's a vaccine,

00:34:05:21 - 00:34:08:13
and that's available to kids

00:34:08:13 - 00:34:09:26
six and under.

00:34:09:26 - 00:34:10:28
Yeah. And I think

00:34:12:09 - 00:34:15:09
as more information came out about Covid

00:34:15:09 - 00:34:18:24
and things were kind of like lining up

00:34:18:24 - 00:34:20:07
and we were taking small steps

00:34:20:07 - 00:34:22:07
to get out of our comfort zone

00:34:22:07 - 00:34:25:20
as far as like going out and spending,

00:34:26:10 - 00:34:29:10
spending more time around other

00:34:29:25 - 00:34:32:25
people and crowds and kind of

00:34:33:10 - 00:34:35:09
had almost that exposure therapy

00:34:35:09 - 00:34:37:04
of like making small incremental steps,

00:34:37:04 - 00:34:38:23
knowing that

00:34:38:23 - 00:34:40:05
it wasn't it was okay

00:34:40:05 - 00:34:43:04
and like things would be okay even if we,

00:34:43:04 - 00:34:44:20
even if we kept germs and got sick

00:34:44:20 - 00:34:47:01
or things like that.

00:34:47:01 - 00:34:48:05
Yeah.

00:34:48:05 - 00:34:49:21
I think

00:34:49:21 - 00:34:52:07
I think it wasn't until both of us

00:34:52:07 - 00:34:54:08
got on the same page about like,

00:34:54:08 - 00:34:56:03
we are not each other's enemy.

00:34:56:03 - 00:34:57:22
We can work together.

00:34:57:22 - 00:34:58:27
And this is,

00:34:58:27 - 00:35:00:00
this is the

00:35:00:00 - 00:35:03:14
the solution that we're uniting towards.

00:35:04:04 - 00:35:04:27
It's so cliche,

00:35:04:27 - 00:35:05:27
like they always say that, right?

00:35:05:27 - 00:35:07:27
Like you and your pals are not like,

00:35:07:27 - 00:35:08:18
you're not at all.

00:35:08:18 - 00:35:10:17
It's like you have to focus as a team.

00:35:10:17 - 00:35:12:29
But that really it didn't.

00:35:12:29 - 00:35:14:06
As much as we'd heard

00:35:14:06 - 00:35:17:04
that it didn't really click until, yeah,

00:35:17:04 - 00:35:19:20
we were able to come together.

00:35:19:20 - 00:35:21:05
And I think also the value

00:35:21:05 - 00:35:26:11
of taking breaks and scheduling vacations

00:35:26:11 - 00:35:29:29
and really like having time for fun.

00:35:30:26 - 00:35:32:15
It wasn't until we focused on that

00:35:32:15 - 00:35:33:03
a bit more

00:35:33:03 - 00:35:34:11
that things got a little bit

00:35:34:11 - 00:35:35:07
more lighthearted,

00:35:35:07 - 00:35:36:26
so that it balanced out

00:35:36:26 - 00:35:38:18
the heaviness that we had experienced

00:35:38:18 - 00:35:41:00
for the first 2 to 3 years.

00:35:42:00 - 00:35:43:18
Yeah, absolutely.

00:35:43:18 - 00:35:44:00
And what I

00:35:44:00 - 00:35:47:00
love, about what you just said is that,

00:35:47:06 - 00:35:47:16
you know,

00:35:47:16 - 00:35:50:16
taking taking the breaks, right.

00:35:50:16 - 00:35:52:03
And the importance of that

00:35:52:03 - 00:35:53:18
because there's so much

00:35:53:18 - 00:35:55:21
and this is something, for,

00:35:55:21 - 00:35:56:25
for any folks listening

00:35:56:25 - 00:35:58:09
who've listened to me a long enough

00:35:58:09 - 00:36:00:03
or who have ever worked with me,

00:36:00:03 - 00:36:02:06
I probably say it so much.

00:36:02:06 - 00:36:03:11
So you're probably sick of it.

00:36:03:11 - 00:36:04:28
But I'm going to say it again.

00:36:04:28 - 00:36:07:18
Is that, that idea

00:36:07:18 - 00:36:08:18
that, you know, don't

00:36:08:18 - 00:36:10:18
go to bed angry, right?

00:36:10:18 - 00:36:13:18
When it comes to your partner.

00:36:14:14 - 00:36:17:06
I just agree with that so much.

00:36:17:06 - 00:36:19:25
And it's because,

00:36:19:25 - 00:36:21:17
that that idea of,

00:36:21:17 - 00:36:21:27
you know,

00:36:21:27 - 00:36:23:17
when you just need to power through this

00:36:23:17 - 00:36:24:18
and, you know, just.

00:36:24:18 - 00:36:27:12
Yeah, I feel like the intention

00:36:27:12 - 00:36:29:14
of just making sure

00:36:29:14 - 00:36:30:24
that you're making repairs.

00:36:30:24 - 00:36:32:20
I totally appreciate the intention,

00:36:32:20 - 00:36:34:27
but that idea of we have to do it

00:36:34:27 - 00:36:36:16
and we have to do it now,

00:36:36:16 - 00:36:39:10
and this is what it needs to look like.

00:36:39:10 - 00:36:40:21
Again, every relationship

00:36:40:21 - 00:36:41:06
I think,

00:36:41:06 - 00:36:41:26
you know, as you're

00:36:41:26 - 00:36:44:04
mentioning is, is different.

00:36:44:04 - 00:36:45:02
And it requires

00:36:45:02 - 00:36:46:22
sometimes those pauses in order

00:36:46:22 - 00:36:48:17
for you to be able to come back to it

00:36:48:17 - 00:36:50:29
in a more helpful, more productive way

00:36:50:29 - 00:36:51:17
where you can,

00:36:51:17 - 00:36:52:01
like you said,

00:36:52:01 - 00:36:54:17
maybe have a little bit of that logic,

00:36:54:17 - 00:36:56:10
that rationality, come back online

00:36:56:10 - 00:36:58:28
and remember, like, this is my teammate,

00:36:58:28 - 00:37:00:19
this is my partner, this is it.

00:37:00:19 - 00:37:02:24
My, you know, my enemy.

00:37:05:13 - 00:37:05:27
I used

00:37:05:27 - 00:37:08:27
to be one of those people

00:37:08:29 - 00:37:09:25
that would say like

00:37:09:25 - 00:37:11:06
we gotta talk through it.

00:37:11:06 - 00:37:13:07
Like we have to figure this out.

00:37:13:07 - 00:37:14:08
It has to be now,

00:37:14:08 - 00:37:16:27
I can't handle sitting in this ambiguity

00:37:16:27 - 00:37:18:16
and like limbo state.

00:37:18:16 - 00:37:21:16
So we got to talk about now and that like

00:37:21:25 - 00:37:22:27
that was so unproductive.

00:37:22:27 - 00:37:24:12
We would talk

00:37:24:12 - 00:37:26:12
like my husband would,

00:37:26:12 - 00:37:28:01
you know, bless his heart,

00:37:28:01 - 00:37:29:12
he would begrudgingly talk

00:37:29:12 - 00:37:30:07
through this thing with me

00:37:30:07 - 00:37:31:27
for like 2 to 3 hours.

00:37:31:27 - 00:37:33:19
And we'd not, like, get anywhere

00:37:33:19 - 00:37:35:10
because both of us are too tired.

00:37:35:10 - 00:37:36:19
Both of us were too, like,

00:37:36:19 - 00:37:38:27
emotionally apt to really,

00:37:38:27 - 00:37:40:27
like, come to a solution.

00:37:40:27 - 00:37:43:21
So I am no longer.

00:37:43:21 - 00:37:46:15
I have seen the error of my ways.

00:37:46:15 - 00:37:48:11
I am no longer like we kind of talked.

00:37:48:11 - 00:37:50:09
That's right. Now something's

00:37:51:24 - 00:37:53:24
something's you can prioritize.

00:37:53:24 - 00:37:55:18
Some things can wait.

00:37:55:18 - 00:37:58:09
Oftentimes, oftentimes

00:37:58:09 - 00:37:59:28
it can wait like that.

00:37:59:28 - 00:38:01:05
There's usually nothing

00:38:01:05 - 00:38:01:24
so pressing

00:38:01:24 - 00:38:03:07
that you need to talk about it

00:38:03:07 - 00:38:06:02
when you're like in a heightened state.

00:38:06:02 - 00:38:06:22
Yeah.

00:38:06:22 - 00:38:09:16
And I think since giving both of us

00:38:09:16 - 00:38:10:29
more time to settle

00:38:10:29 - 00:38:12:02
before we actually, like,

00:38:12:02 - 00:38:14:24
come back together to talk something out,

00:38:14:24 - 00:38:16:23
it's it's been a game changer.

00:38:16:23 - 00:38:19:01
So, yeah.

00:38:19:01 - 00:38:20:09
Yeah, absolutely.

00:38:20:09 - 00:38:23:10
And your advice is very, very sound.

00:38:23:26 - 00:38:25:05
Oh,

00:38:25:05 - 00:38:26:20
well, and here's the deal.

00:38:26:20 - 00:38:28:29
I can absolutely relate

00:38:28:29 - 00:38:32:07
to what you just mentioned because, I

00:38:32:17 - 00:38:34:05
so although I'm the person

00:38:34:05 - 00:38:36:04
that likes to take breaks,

00:38:36:04 - 00:38:37:20
my spouse on the other hand,

00:38:37:20 - 00:38:38:22
does very much,

00:38:38:22 - 00:38:39:17
you know, and kind of

00:38:39:17 - 00:38:41:11
when we first started was that

00:38:41:11 - 00:38:42:21
I want to talk it out,

00:38:42:21 - 00:38:43:01
you know,

00:38:43:01 - 00:38:45:03
the it's very much an external processor.

00:38:45:03 - 00:38:47:09
I'm an internal processor.

00:38:47:09 - 00:38:49:19
And so that was definitely

00:38:49:19 - 00:38:50:24
a point of contention

00:38:50:24 - 00:38:52:10
for many years with our marriage.

00:38:52:10 - 00:38:52:29
And, you know,

00:38:52:29 - 00:38:53:25
we've been married

00:38:53:25 - 00:38:55:03
for quite some time now.

00:38:55:03 - 00:38:57:10
But we had to learn just that, like

00:38:57:10 - 00:38:57:24
it wasn't

00:38:57:24 - 00:39:00:11
something that I was ever taught.

00:39:00:11 - 00:39:02:08
That's not something that was like

00:39:02:08 - 00:39:03:21
just, oh, I woke up one day

00:39:03:21 - 00:39:04:24
and I have that knowledge.

00:39:04:24 - 00:39:05:12
It very much,

00:39:05:12 - 00:39:05:21
like you

00:39:05:21 - 00:39:06:21
said, of figuring out

00:39:06:21 - 00:39:08:19
kind of what works for us and,

00:39:08:19 - 00:39:10:10
and for me,

00:39:10:10 - 00:39:11:18
similar to like, what you're saying,

00:39:11:18 - 00:39:13:26
I need that that path to be able

00:39:13:26 - 00:39:15:06
to, like, figure out my thoughts.

00:39:15:06 - 00:39:16:23
Because if I kept talking,

00:39:16:23 - 00:39:18:18
it was one going to be nonsense.

00:39:18:18 - 00:39:20:23
And also probably come out

00:39:20:23 - 00:39:21:17
super hurtful,

00:39:21:17 - 00:39:23:11
which was not my intention at all.

00:39:25:20 - 00:39:28:20
I think,

00:39:29:08 - 00:39:32:08
like for

00:39:32:10 - 00:39:35:23
my spouse and I, we had not encountered

00:39:35:23 - 00:39:38:27
the level of conflict that we did

00:39:39:08 - 00:39:40:28
until we became new parents

00:39:40:28 - 00:39:42:01
that were sleeping, deprived

00:39:42:01 - 00:39:43:07
and like kind of out of our minds

00:39:43:07 - 00:39:44:04
for a little bit.

00:39:44:04 - 00:39:48:13
But at now I feel like having gone

00:39:48:13 - 00:39:49:29
through that experience

00:39:49:29 - 00:39:51:11
and overcoming it

00:39:51:11 - 00:39:52:01
and kind of like

00:39:52:01 - 00:39:54:26
being on the other side of that,

00:39:54:26 - 00:39:58:07
there is so much more closeness,

00:39:58:07 - 00:40:01:07
I think, because we,

00:40:02:07 - 00:40:03:13
we've shown each other

00:40:03:13 - 00:40:06:13
like we've seen each other on our worst

00:40:06:13 - 00:40:08:13
and we're still here,

00:40:08:13 - 00:40:09:24
like we still made it.

00:40:09:24 - 00:40:11:16
We're not perfect people,

00:40:11:16 - 00:40:12:06
but we still

00:40:12:06 - 00:40:15:06
kept each other unconditionally.

00:40:16:04 - 00:40:17:18
And I, I know I

00:40:17:18 - 00:40:19:05
at the time when we were in it,

00:40:19:05 - 00:40:20:11
I couldn't

00:40:20:11 - 00:40:21:02
there was like,

00:40:21:02 - 00:40:21:13
no way

00:40:21:13 - 00:40:23:02
I could have seen the end of

00:40:23:02 - 00:40:23:29
the end in sight

00:40:23:29 - 00:40:24:19
and like what

00:40:24:19 - 00:40:26:17
the positive of that situation

00:40:26:17 - 00:40:28:04
was going to be. But,

00:40:29:22 - 00:40:30:23
but I think

00:40:30:23 - 00:40:31:16
there's something kind

00:40:31:16 - 00:40:33:07
of reassuring of like going through

00:40:33:07 - 00:40:36:07
something like that and still being

00:40:37:00 - 00:40:38:06
sticking around

00:40:38:06 - 00:40:39:20
to, to kind of

00:40:39:20 - 00:40:41:15
give you that confidence and like,

00:40:41:15 - 00:40:42:02
all right,

00:40:42:02 - 00:40:43:10
you've seen me at my worst

00:40:43:10 - 00:40:44:09
and you're still here.

00:40:44:09 - 00:40:45:22
So I guess this is

00:40:45:22 - 00:40:48:22
I guess there's something here.

00:40:49:01 - 00:40:50:20
Yeah, absolutely.

00:40:50:20 - 00:40:52:13
You know, I heard you mentioned kind of

00:40:52:13 - 00:40:54:21
not not really being able to see it

00:40:54:21 - 00:40:55:05
when you're,

00:40:55:05 - 00:40:57:07
when you're in the thick of it,

00:40:57:07 - 00:40:58:25
when you were in the thick of it, did

00:40:58:25 - 00:41:00:22
it feel

00:41:00:22 - 00:41:02:16
did that compound any of that

00:41:02:16 - 00:41:04:12
feelings of loneliness or isolation

00:41:04:12 - 00:41:06:04
that you were already kind of

00:41:06:04 - 00:41:06:21
feeling

00:41:06:21 - 00:41:09:12
just with all of your perfect storm?

00:41:09:12 - 00:41:10:16
For sure.

00:41:10:16 - 00:41:12:09
Because

00:41:12:09 - 00:41:15:09
you know, you're going through this,

00:41:16:00 - 00:41:18:07
this huge transition.

00:41:18:07 - 00:41:20:05
You don't know if anyone else has ever,

00:41:21:24 - 00:41:23:06
felt the exact thing that

00:41:23:06 - 00:41:24:15
you're going through now.

00:41:24:15 - 00:41:27:15
And on top of that, the

00:41:27:19 - 00:41:30:19
like you are person,

00:41:30:24 - 00:41:32:06
you're at odds with.

00:41:32:06 - 00:41:35:05
And for us,

00:41:35:05 - 00:41:37:03
for us, we hadn't like,

00:41:37:03 - 00:41:38:23
sure, we'd had conflict before.

00:41:38:23 - 00:41:41:19
And,

00:41:41:19 - 00:41:41:28
you know,

00:41:41:28 - 00:41:44:20
and like, works through different

00:41:44:20 - 00:41:46:08
confrontations and arguments

00:41:46:08 - 00:41:47:02
and things like that.

00:41:47:02 - 00:41:49:01
But I felt like it was a whole

00:41:49:01 - 00:41:52:01
nother level at that time because,

00:41:52:16 - 00:41:54:18
here, here is your person

00:41:54:18 - 00:41:55:02
that you're supposed

00:41:55:02 - 00:41:56:10
to be so aligned with,

00:41:56:10 - 00:41:57:12
so attuned to,

00:41:57:12 - 00:41:58:05
and it's almost like you're

00:41:58:05 - 00:42:00:06
speaking different languages.

00:42:00:06 - 00:42:02:18
Yeah.

00:42:02:18 - 00:42:04:26
And that definitely led to more

00:42:04:26 - 00:42:06:13
like of that guilt shame

00:42:06:13 - 00:42:08:00
that we were talking about of like, okay,

00:42:08:00 - 00:42:08:24
not only do

00:42:08:24 - 00:42:10:19
I not know what I'm doing as a parent,

00:42:10:19 - 00:42:15:06
but now I am kind of losing track

00:42:15:06 - 00:42:17:06
of this thing that I thought was like,

00:42:17:06 - 00:42:19:08
steady, consistent, like, we are good.

00:42:21:05 - 00:42:23:29
And I think,

00:42:23:29 - 00:42:24:18
I think now

00:42:24:18 - 00:42:26:02
looking back at it,

00:42:26:02 - 00:42:29:02
it's not that we were ever

00:42:29:02 - 00:42:31:10
and not that we were ever

00:42:31:10 - 00:42:32:04
not good,

00:42:32:04 - 00:42:33:22
but I think we needed to go through that

00:42:33:22 - 00:42:36:22
to show ourselves that, like,

00:42:37:17 - 00:42:38:15
we can overcome things,

00:42:38:15 - 00:42:39:14
we have resiliency.

00:42:39:14 - 00:42:41:21
We can we can recover.

00:42:41:21 - 00:42:45:19
And just because we are in conflict,

00:42:45:20 - 00:42:46:15
it doesn't mean that it's

00:42:46:15 - 00:42:47:11
the end of the world.

00:42:47:11 - 00:42:49:25
And that was like huge for me because,

00:42:49:25 - 00:42:51:11
I'm such a like,

00:42:51:11 - 00:42:53:02
non-confrontational, conflict

00:42:53:02 - 00:42:54:01
avoidant person.

00:42:54:01 - 00:42:56:09
It felt like,

00:42:56:09 - 00:42:57:00
okay, I guess it's

00:42:57:00 - 00:42:58:02
that I guess we're over

00:42:58:02 - 00:42:59:02
because we're having this

00:42:59:02 - 00:43:00:18
kind of like so much conflict.

00:43:00:18 - 00:43:02:08
But I think that was important

00:43:02:08 - 00:43:03:22
for a conflict of way.

00:43:03:22 - 00:43:04:12
That person

00:43:04:12 - 00:43:05:05
like me

00:43:05:05 - 00:43:08:08
to see that actually conflict can be

00:43:08:23 - 00:43:11:14
a strengthening tool

00:43:11:14 - 00:43:12:17
in your relationship,

00:43:12:17 - 00:43:14:10
which I never thought

00:43:14:10 - 00:43:15:12
that I would be able to say.

00:43:15:12 - 00:43:17:04
I spent so much time

00:43:17:04 - 00:43:20:04
trying to, like, keep the peace and like,

00:43:20:17 - 00:43:22:17
just in life in general. So,

00:43:23:17 - 00:43:24:05
yeah, yeah,

00:43:24:05 - 00:43:26:03
that was a very interesting insight

00:43:26:03 - 00:43:26:28
that happened

00:43:26:28 - 00:43:29:28
as a result of going through that.

00:43:30:12 - 00:43:32:02
And I, I think that's perfect.

00:43:32:02 - 00:43:34:21
Says I wanted to ask like what?

00:43:34:21 - 00:43:36:06
I've been asking most of my parents

00:43:36:06 - 00:43:38:08
that if you were able

00:43:38:08 - 00:43:39:29
to get into a time machine

00:43:39:29 - 00:43:41:02
and kind of go back

00:43:41:02 - 00:43:42:17
and give yourself some

00:43:42:17 - 00:43:45:17
some thoughts or some preparations,

00:43:46:26 - 00:43:49:02
even for, you know, those those folks

00:43:49:02 - 00:43:51:07
that are having a newer family right now

00:43:51:07 - 00:43:53:19
as we speak, kind of what would you

00:43:53:19 - 00:43:54:26
what would you have told yourself?

00:43:54:26 - 00:43:57:01
What would you have wanted to hear

00:43:57:01 - 00:44:00:01
or would have been helpful to hear?

00:44:01:09 - 00:44:04:09
I think I would have

00:44:05:15 - 00:44:07:17
told

00:44:07:17 - 00:44:10:17
told me, like going back into

00:44:11:20 - 00:44:14:20
3 to 4 years ago.

00:44:14:24 - 00:44:16:27
This is temporary

00:44:16:27 - 00:44:19:22
and it's okay to be messy.

00:44:19:22 - 00:44:22:14
It's okay to be imperfect.

00:44:22:14 - 00:44:23:04
Like,

00:44:23:04 - 00:44:26:04
no one, no one gets it perfectly right.

00:44:26:20 - 00:44:27:07
And

00:44:28:15 - 00:44:30:05
like no one,

00:44:30:05 - 00:44:30:17
no one

00:44:30:17 - 00:44:32:09
talks about

00:44:32:09 - 00:44:34:14
not getting it perfectly right.

00:44:34:14 - 00:44:37:01
And.

00:44:37:01 - 00:44:37:22
To.

00:44:37:22 - 00:44:39:18
And I, you know,

00:44:39:18 - 00:44:42:17
I say this now to a lot of my clients.

00:44:42:17 - 00:44:44:12
Like you have to have self-compassion.

00:44:44:12 - 00:44:45:16
You have to have grace.

00:44:45:16 - 00:44:48:16
You have to have grace for your partner.

00:44:48:25 - 00:44:50:14
But

00:44:50:14 - 00:44:52:08
repeating that over and over again,

00:44:52:08 - 00:44:55:08
like it's okay, like you're

00:44:55:18 - 00:44:58:18
the things you're doing are enough.

00:44:59:07 - 00:45:01:11
The things that you will,

00:45:01:11 - 00:45:03:13
the ways that you will continue to grow.

00:45:03:13 - 00:45:06:13
We'll get there and

00:45:06:21 - 00:45:07:27
the first,

00:45:07:27 - 00:45:10:11
the first year is always going to be it's

00:45:10:11 - 00:45:11:13
always going to be difficult.

00:45:11:13 - 00:45:13:04
Like there's

00:45:13:04 - 00:45:13:18
I don't know,

00:45:13:18 - 00:45:14:27
maybe that's not true for everyone,

00:45:14:27 - 00:45:17:20
but I think most people, it's

00:45:17:20 - 00:45:19:29
not going to look exactly the way

00:45:19:29 - 00:45:22:29
that you pictured it would.

00:45:23:07 - 00:45:23:13
Yeah.

00:45:23:13 - 00:45:24:29
So I think, yeah,

00:45:24:29 - 00:45:27:06
the temporary nature of it,

00:45:27:06 - 00:45:28:01
things will get better.

00:45:28:01 - 00:45:29:15
Just give it time.

00:45:29:15 - 00:45:32:07
And I think having had some patience.

00:45:32:07 - 00:45:34:05
So I think there was so much pressure

00:45:34:05 - 00:45:36:01
like we were talking about to like

00:45:36:01 - 00:45:37:02
get it right and get

00:45:37:02 - 00:45:38:05
it right the first time.

00:45:39:29 - 00:45:41:18
So,

00:45:41:18 - 00:45:43:15
so yeah, I think

00:45:43:15 - 00:45:45:05
self-compassion and grace

00:45:45:05 - 00:45:46:18
were things that

00:45:46:18 - 00:45:47:13
I very easily

00:45:47:13 - 00:45:49:06
tell other people to do for themselves,

00:45:49:06 - 00:45:50:07
but kind of internal.

00:45:50:07 - 00:45:52:29
I think that for me at that time was

00:45:52:29 - 00:45:54:01
I didn't realize that

00:45:54:01 - 00:45:56:21
I wasn't doing that.

00:45:56:21 - 00:45:59:11
Yeah. Yeah.

00:45:59:11 - 00:46:00:12
And isn't that the thing?

00:46:00:12 - 00:46:01:12
I feel like everybody,

00:46:01:12 - 00:46:02:22
I hear everyone say,

00:46:02:22 - 00:46:05:13
I'm really good at telling others.

00:46:05:13 - 00:46:06:21
What, like you said,

00:46:06:21 - 00:46:07:13
kind of not

00:46:07:13 - 00:46:09:02
have that grace or things

00:46:09:02 - 00:46:10:11
you could do to offer yourself

00:46:10:11 - 00:46:11:12
more compassion.

00:46:11:12 - 00:46:14:12
But it's really, really hard to kind of

00:46:14:27 - 00:46:16:02
look in that mirror

00:46:16:02 - 00:46:17:04
and and tell it to

00:46:17:04 - 00:46:18:28
the person that you see in there.

00:46:18:28 - 00:46:21:28
Yeah, absolutely.

00:46:23:05 - 00:46:24:16
You know, it's funny,

00:46:24:16 - 00:46:27:05
one of the things that we stumbled

00:46:27:05 - 00:46:30:05
upon later that I wish I had,

00:46:31:13 - 00:46:32:26
that I wish that I had.

00:46:34:27 - 00:46:36:24
Paid more attention to.

00:46:36:24 - 00:46:39:06
And this is going to sound so silly.

00:46:39:06 - 00:46:40:02
The TV show

00:46:40:02 - 00:46:43:28
Bluey was a game changer for me

00:46:43:28 - 00:46:45:22
because that show is so much

00:46:45:22 - 00:46:47:13
for the parents as well.

00:46:47:13 - 00:46:50:14
And there's this episode where,

00:46:51:11 - 00:46:54:04
the mom is like super hard on herself.

00:46:54:04 - 00:46:54:24
And then then

00:46:54:24 - 00:46:56:12
it takes another mom telling her

00:46:56:12 - 00:46:57:29
that she's doing great,

00:46:57:29 - 00:46:59:09
that really like,

00:46:59:09 - 00:47:00:13
helps her to

00:47:00:13 - 00:47:02:09
to have some more self-compassion.

00:47:02:09 - 00:47:03:15
So I think

00:47:03:15 - 00:47:04:28
I think about that episode

00:47:04:28 - 00:47:07:28
a lot of like, yes, we all need

00:47:08:06 - 00:47:09:15
we all need a mom, friend

00:47:09:15 - 00:47:12:15
or like another peer or support.

00:47:12:26 - 00:47:15:03
That just is

00:47:15:03 - 00:47:16:12
that just tells us

00:47:16:12 - 00:47:18:17
and encourages us that we're doing okay.

00:47:18:17 - 00:47:21:04
Like it's going to be okay.

00:47:21:04 - 00:47:21:22
Yeah.

00:47:21:22 - 00:47:23:14
And I think,

00:47:23:14 - 00:47:26:07
I think if I had isolated less,

00:47:26:07 - 00:47:29:14
then I probably would have received

00:47:29:14 - 00:47:30:24
that a bit more.

00:47:30:24 - 00:47:33:02
And in the early stages.

00:47:34:03 - 00:47:35:23
Yeah.

00:47:35:23 - 00:47:37:02
You know, it's

00:47:37:02 - 00:47:40:06
I laugh only because I have heard

00:47:40:22 - 00:47:43:03
Bluey being recommended

00:47:43:03 - 00:47:44:23
by so many parents

00:47:44:23 - 00:47:46:09
and my kids were too old.

00:47:46:09 - 00:47:48:22
We didn't have Bluey back then.

00:47:48:22 - 00:47:50:26
So I was never exposed to it.

00:47:50:26 - 00:47:53:06
But you are not the first person,

00:47:53:06 - 00:47:55:02
and I think that that's so awesome.

00:47:55:02 - 00:47:58:02
So shout out to Bluey for apparently,

00:47:58:10 - 00:47:58:21
you know,

00:47:58:21 - 00:47:59:24
doing some things

00:47:59:24 - 00:48:02:24
that are super helpful in your content.

00:48:03:09 - 00:48:03:23
Yeah.

00:48:03:23 - 00:48:05:15
That's also

00:48:05:15 - 00:48:08:03
it was very therapeutic to get that time

00:48:08:03 - 00:48:09:26
on top of like actual therapy.

00:48:09:26 - 00:48:12:26
Like that's the other thing is, yeah,

00:48:12:28 - 00:48:14:11
obviously we're huge

00:48:14:11 - 00:48:16:01
proponents of therapy.

00:48:16:01 - 00:48:17:10
I think individual

00:48:17:10 - 00:48:20:09
therapy for me was very helpful.

00:48:20:09 - 00:48:21:17
And couples therapy,

00:48:21:17 - 00:48:22:12
and for us

00:48:22:12 - 00:48:23:27
it helped us immensely,

00:48:23:27 - 00:48:25:17
like getting back,

00:48:25:17 - 00:48:27:15
reminding us to be a team,

00:48:27:15 - 00:48:29:05
to appreciate each other,

00:48:29:05 - 00:48:31:03
that we are not each other's enemy.

00:48:32:21 - 00:48:33:24
And so,

00:48:33:24 - 00:48:35:14
so, yeah, therapy,

00:48:35:14 - 00:48:37:11
patience, self-care, passion.

00:48:37:11 - 00:48:40:11
Bluey lights.

00:48:40:19 - 00:48:42:24
Well, I love all those resources,

00:48:42:24 - 00:48:44:06
but that you did share

00:48:44:06 - 00:48:45:01
that you found kind

00:48:45:01 - 00:48:47:16
of really useful in your journey.

00:48:47:16 - 00:48:48:17
And I know that we've

00:48:48:17 - 00:48:50:03
only scratched the surface

00:48:50:03 - 00:48:51:27
of some of your journey.

00:48:51:27 - 00:48:54:12
So I'm sure I will be tapping you again

00:48:54:12 - 00:48:56:10
and asking you to come back

00:48:56:10 - 00:48:59:10
and talk to me some more.

00:48:59:19 - 00:49:00:24
But in the meantime,

00:49:00:24 - 00:49:02:04
here is my fried rice.

00:49:02:04 - 00:49:05:04
Hopefully I did you did you proud.

00:49:05:21 - 00:49:08:12
It looks delicious.

00:49:08:12 - 00:49:10:03
I'm so excited to try it.

00:49:10:03 - 00:49:11:26
And, you know, it's got the spam in it.

00:49:11:26 - 00:49:14:03
I did do the spam this time.

00:49:14:03 - 00:49:15:06
Because we are very much

00:49:15:06 - 00:49:18:06
a, pro spam in this house.

00:49:18:08 - 00:49:21:06
I love spam. Can't

00:49:21:06 - 00:49:22:21
when I call it on the roster, it's like,

00:49:22:21 - 00:49:24:10
oh, you commercial.

00:49:24:10 - 00:49:25:06
Yeah.

00:49:25:06 - 00:49:27:22
Like I've got that in my my pantry

00:49:27:22 - 00:49:28:20
because we, you know,

00:49:28:20 - 00:49:29:28
we buy it, buy the bulk.

00:49:32:22 - 00:49:34:10
So I love it.

00:49:34:10 - 00:49:35:22
And I just wanted to say again,

00:49:35:22 - 00:49:36:28
thank you so much, one,

00:49:36:28 - 00:49:37:19
for being

00:49:37:19 - 00:49:39:14
willing to share this recipe with us,

00:49:39:14 - 00:49:41:22
but also to share your story.

00:49:41:22 - 00:49:43:04
And kind of some of the,

00:49:43:04 - 00:49:44:01
the challenges

00:49:44:01 - 00:49:44:22
that you

00:49:44:22 - 00:49:45:20
have encountered,

00:49:45:20 - 00:49:46:14
especially trying

00:49:46:14 - 00:49:48:14
to navigate all of this,

00:49:48:14 - 00:49:49:14
through a pandemic,

00:49:49:14 - 00:49:53:02
which not everybody can say they've done.

00:49:53:02 - 00:49:53:16
You know, it's

00:49:53:16 - 00:49:55:25
a very unique thing about your,

00:49:55:25 - 00:49:56:14
your journey.

00:49:56:14 - 00:49:57:29
However, at the same time,

00:49:57:29 - 00:49:59:18
there were dozens

00:49:59:18 - 00:50:01:12
and dozens and hundreds of babies

00:50:01:12 - 00:50:03:03
that were also born around the same time.

00:50:03:03 - 00:50:05:00
And I imagine kind of,

00:50:05:00 - 00:50:05:10
you know,

00:50:05:10 - 00:50:06:14
maybe a piece of it

00:50:06:14 - 00:50:07:10
go, oh, yeah,

00:50:07:10 - 00:50:09:25
that sounds really familiar.

00:50:09:25 - 00:50:15:01
Yeah, yeah, it was such a unique time.

00:50:15:01 - 00:50:18:01
And I think for our family

00:50:18:06 - 00:50:19:19
now, I can say that

00:50:19:19 - 00:50:21:15
the timing was perfect for us.

00:50:22:14 - 00:50:23:02
We went through

00:50:23:02 - 00:50:23:29
a lot of struggles

00:50:23:29 - 00:50:26:00
and we went through a lot of,

00:50:26:00 - 00:50:27:24
a lot of challenges.

00:50:27:24 - 00:50:30:19
But I think we are the family

00:50:30:19 - 00:50:33:19
we are today because of that experience.

00:50:34:15 - 00:50:37:12
And if anyone is in the thick of it,

00:50:37:12 - 00:50:38:21
that's going to be hard

00:50:38:21 - 00:50:40:21
to really believe.

00:50:40:21 - 00:50:43:20
But yes.

00:50:43:20 - 00:50:45:26
But like speaking from

00:50:45:26 - 00:50:49:08
someone who has been in that situation

00:50:49:08 - 00:50:50:07
and like, this is hard

00:50:50:07 - 00:50:50:26
and I don't know

00:50:50:26 - 00:50:53:07
how it's going to get better.

00:50:53:07 - 00:50:56:07
It it can, it will.

00:50:56:09 - 00:50:57:19
Yeah.

00:50:57:19 - 00:50:58:15
Yeah.

00:50:58:15 - 00:50:59:29
Well, thank you so much, Serena,

00:50:59:29 - 00:51:01:13
for joining us today.

00:51:01:13 - 00:51:03:03
I do appreciate it.

00:51:03:03 - 00:51:05:13
And, we'll see you next time.

00:51:05:13 - 00:51:06:10
And see everyone else.

00:51:06:10 - 00:51:07:09
Thanks for joining us

00:51:07:09 - 00:51:09:17
and listening in today.

00:51:09:17 - 00:51:11:27
If you or anyone that you know

00:51:11:27 - 00:51:12:16
is struggling

00:51:12:16 - 00:51:13:17
with any of the topics

00:51:13:17 - 00:51:15:25
that we discussed in today's episode,

00:51:15:25 - 00:51:17:04
make sure to check out our show

00:51:17:04 - 00:51:19:22
notes for support and resources.

00:51:19:22 - 00:51:20:19
You can get help.

00:51:22:13 - 00:51:23:15
Thanks again for joining

00:51:23:15 - 00:51:24:09
us on today's

00:51:24:09 - 00:51:27:08
episode of The Real Family Eats.

00:51:27:08 - 00:51:29:01
If you're a parent ready to share

00:51:29:01 - 00:51:30:28
your real life parenting story,

00:51:30:28 - 00:51:32:12
make sure to reach out to us

00:51:32:12 - 00:51:34:25
and our website found in the show notes.

00:51:34:25 - 00:51:36:28
And that goes for today's recipe,

00:51:36:28 - 00:51:39:14
social media support and resources.

00:51:39:14 - 00:51:40:18
All of that can be found

00:51:40:18 - 00:51:41:23
in our show notes,

00:51:41:23 - 00:51:43:19
so make sure to check them out

00:51:43:19 - 00:51:45:25
and make sure to follow, like,

00:51:45:25 - 00:51:47:03
share, subscribe

00:51:47:03 - 00:51:49:15
and stay up to date on all things

00:51:49:15 - 00:51:51:13
the real family eats.

00:51:51:13 - 00:51:52:13
I hope you'll join us

00:51:52:13 - 00:51:55:03
next time for more food for thought

00:51:55:03 - 00:51:56:25
and thoughtful food!

00:51:56:25 - 00:51:57:24
Enjoy your eats!