Sacrificing Single Mom Wellness + Schmarn | Real Parents, Real Struggles, & Recipe Sharing

Tanya Reinhofer, teacher and mom of 3 adult children, talks with our resident couples therapist for parents about their real parenting struggles. She is sharing navigating parenting challenges, the parent support and resources they found along the way, and any parenting tips they have discovered through their journey. While they chat parenting insights and stories, they are recipe sharing balancing parenting and family meals. Tanya talks about navigating single motherhood and shares her Schmarn recipe. Tanya discusses her journey navigating getting a divorce while her 3 children were younger and the struggles of needing to work fulltime to provide. Tanya opens up about her struggles with loneliness and isolation trying to carry the whole weight on her own in secret. Make sure to subscribe, like, and follow for more recipes and parenting tips. 

What's been a parenting challenge you've had? Share your story in the comments!
Have you tried the recipe? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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Schmarn

INGREDIENTS:

1 1/2 c. Semolina
3/4c. Flour
1 1/2c. Milk
1/2 c. Cottage cheese
4 eggs, slightly scrambled

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Mix semolina, flour, and milk in a large bowl.
2. Add eggs and cottage cheese. Stir.
3. Pour into pan on med-high heat. 
4. Let it cook until the bottom is firm

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If you or your loved one is struggling with any of the topics discussed, here are some resources:

Embrace Renewal Therapy & Wellness Collective: www.embracerenewaltherapy.com

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Disclaimer:

The content provided on this podcast/YouTube channel is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or treatment. While we aim to share valuable insights and promote mental well-being, our discussions and content are not a substitute for professional mental health services.

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

The views and opinions expressed by the host(s) and guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the podcast/YouTube channel. We encourage listeners/viewers to consult with a qualified mental health professional for advice tailored to their individual circumstances.

Your mental health is important. Please

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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist 104709. Reesa is a couples counselor for parents providing therapy in person in Murrieta, CA and virtual couples therapy in California. Reesa, also, hosts couples workshops and parenting workshops worldwide.

Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe - https://linktr.ee/EmbraceRenewalTherapy

For the video version of this episode find us on www.youtube.com/@TheRealFamilyEats

If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:

www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988

Go to your local hospital or call 911

Transcript

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:23:15
Unknown
There were times I'd be in the grocery store. It even out. Makes me emotional. But you know, my mom is buy groceries for me if I couldn't afford them. But I'd stand in the grocery store like and cry because this is my job and I can't provide for the kids. Yeah, that's hard.

00:00:23:18 - 00:00:50:25
Unknown
Hey, everyone, thanks for joining me. My name is Reesa and I'm your host. We are talking to real families about real stories here on The Real Family Eats, where we've got food for thought and thoughtful food. So let's eat.

00:00:50:28 - 00:01:19:00
Unknown
Okay, everyone. So my guest today is the lovely Tanya. Tanya, thank you so much for being willing to chat with us today. Thanks for having me, Reesa. Yes, absolutely. I know that you're apprehensive about coming on, so I really do appreciate a little nerve racking. Yeah. Well. Thank you. I know, I know, Tanya is story. And I think that a lot of you listeners out there will find a lot of value in some of the things that that you've experienced.

00:01:19:07 - 00:01:41:10
Unknown
A lot of families out there, too. But before we get there, and for anybody who doesn't know you, can you introduce yourself? Hi, I'm Tanya. I'm a mother of three. My kids are grown now. My oldest is 28 this year. My youngest is 22. I'm a special education teacher in an elementary school. The one right around the corner from home.

00:01:41:17 - 00:02:07:15
Unknown
Because that's where I went back to work. When, I started the single motherhood journey. And so, yeah, I work in the neighborhood that my kids grew up in, and it's it's fun. Yeah. Very neat. Okay, so I know you're teaching us a special recipe that you used to use for your kiddo. So tell us what it is and why did you pick this recipe?

00:02:07:17 - 00:02:40:25
Unknown
This is what we call smart. My, in-laws are German, and it was kind of, Comfort food recipe. Okay. For my husband's family. And, my kids just kind of grew up with it when they were young, going to my house, and it was their favorite. And we started making it at home, too. Okay. The measurements are very loose.

00:02:40:27 - 00:03:04:24
Unknown
I'm gonna say the least, where you can flex your arm. I don't even know if I'm making that correctly. I looked it up yesterday, and it's kind of a peasant food, okay? It was made, I created kind of. I guess when they cook for the royalty, if they cook these giant pancakes and they got torn or they weren't quite perfect, they would break them up and eat them.

00:03:04:26 - 00:03:24:19
Unknown
The servants would eat them. Okay. So, my kids love it. It's kind of a breakfast for dinner thing. Okay? Not a whole lot of nutritional value, which is hard for me, but it's got just enough protein to fill everybody up. And it was a good Friday night. I'm tired. It's just what we're having. And the kids. We're so excited.

00:03:24:21 - 00:03:47:00
Unknown
Awesome. Well, I'm so excited to learn about it. So walk me through what steps I need to do, and then we'll get started hearing a little bit about your story okay. So first we're going to mix this semolina and the flour and the milk and just kind of stir them up good. And let them absorb the milk and kind of get thick before we add the, the ends and the cottage cheese.

00:03:47:00 - 00:04:19:19
Unknown
Sounds good. Okay. I can do that. So while I'm doing this, I know that for most of kind of this, this thing called parenthood, you kind of had to do a lot of it on your own. And I imagine especially now, kind of, you know, yes, they're grown, but you're still kind of in their lives and still parenting, tell me a little bit about what being a single parent was like and kind of some of those struggles that come with it.

00:04:19:22 - 00:04:42:09
Unknown
The single parenting was a shock for me. Okay. My parent, I came from a nice stable family. My ex-husband came from a nice stable family. It was not a place I ever expected to be. Yeah. That being said, I did have my parents backing the whole time. My parents were always there when I needed anything. Okay.

00:04:42:11 - 00:05:01:23
Unknown
But, you know, been part of the pride thing is these are my kids. I've got to provide for them. I need to do this as much as I can. But it was hard, even with, like, you know, I feel for those people that do single parenting men and women on their own because, you know, I relied on my parents a lot.

00:05:01:25 - 00:05:30:22
Unknown
Yeah. There were times I'd be in the grocery store. It even now, it makes me emotional. But, you know, my mom is my groceries for me if I couldn't afford them. But I'd stand in the grocery store line and cry because this is my job and I can't provide for the kids. Yeah, and that's hard. Yeah, it's hard to accept that when you don't expect to be there and you're, you know, I had my degree, I, I had what should have been a good back up career and teaching.

00:05:30:25 - 00:05:55:10
Unknown
But at the time, the economy and everything was really low. They weren't hiring teachers, they were laying off teachers. Oh, wow. Okay. So, I got really lucky because I did have my teaching credential, and my kids were going to school close by home. And I was able to work as a long term substitute. Oh, could I ended up doing that for about seven years for $100 a day.

00:05:55:17 - 00:06:19:07
Unknown
Oh, wow. And so I was doing all the work. I'm a regular teacher for $100 a day. Wow. And still trying to kind of be there and supporting your three kiddos. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Like that was my goal was to keep the kids lives as normal as possible. You know, we lived in a nice suburban area. The kids played soccer and, you know, have all these extracurricular activities.

00:06:19:09 - 00:06:39:07
Unknown
Yeah. And I wanted to maintain that for them. But yeah, it was hard. I was tired. Yeah, I imagine so. And I heard you mention kind of that it was important for you to be able to kind of keep some stability for them. Can you talk a little bit more about why was that kind of front of mind goal for you?

00:06:39:07 - 00:07:05:25
Unknown
I just didn't want the I, the divorce to affect them the way it was affecting me. You know, I didn't feel like any of this was their fault. So they should be able to maintain you know we tried to stay in the same community and keep the same friendships and things going for them so that you know that it didn't affect them so much.

00:07:05:25 - 00:07:31:22
Unknown
Yeah. You mentioned kind of how it was impacting you. Was that difficult to be able to, to show up? Kind of almost sounds like put on this, this space for them in, in, you know, with that goal for them while still having your own very real emotions, I imagine. Yeah, it really was, you know, I, I, I wasn't one of those people.

00:07:31:22 - 00:07:51:18
Unknown
I know there's kind of two people, two kinds of people, you know, you get stressed and you can't sleep and you get stressed, and you all you want to do is sleep. And that was more me. All I wanted to do was sleep because it went away. And, you know, I sleep at night and drag myself out of bed in the morning against everything my body wanted to do.

00:07:51:19 - 00:08:14:09
Unknown
Yeah. And get in the shower and stand there and cry if I needed to or whatever. And get out. And it was time to start the day because I had to put on that happy face for not only the kids at home, but the kids at school, because the kids at school were relying on me. Yeah. And the parents of those kids, you know, I couldn't let that affect what I was doing at school.

00:08:14:09 - 00:08:53:16
Unknown
And I felt a really big responsibility to those kids, to, I mean, and, gosh, to have to like, then do that solo and, and kind of, you know, almost compartmentalize what was happening for sure. And it sounds like just for your own survival. Yeah. In that particular. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, were were there things that you're looking at it going, you know, whether it's a self critique on yourself or on the circumstance that, you know, I mean, I feel like there's so many ideas out there of what it's supposed to look like, what parenthood is supposed to look like.

00:08:53:16 - 00:09:23:00
Unknown
Right. And it sounds like your, your journey, your parenthood journey was very different. And I would love to kind of hear more about how you navigated some of those and what your experience was like. You know, it was I don't even know I was in survival mode. You know, I get up in the morning and and play mom and get everybody breakfast and lunch and get them off to school and the first year I was at the same school with all three kids.

00:09:23:01 - 00:09:45:20
Unknown
Okay. That was kind of a nice transition year. We all went to school together. Yeah. Even though they were a little early and stayed a little late, it was okay. I was really lucky to have really good kids. You know, I didn't have any health issues with them. I didn't have any huge behavior issues or anything. So they were pretty, compliant when it came to.

00:09:45:26 - 00:10:15:10
Unknown
I'm sorry. We're staying at school until 5:00 today or or sometimes later, because I had to do report cards or parent conferences or things like that. Yeah. All for $100 a day for $100 a day, because as long term said, you know, after so many days, we got an extra $20 a day. Oh my gosh, even though you're doing you go all this hard work, right, $20, an extra $20, all the planning, all the grading, all that.

00:10:15:10 - 00:10:31:29
Unknown
Whereas, you know, a normal cellblocks in one day the plans are done for them. They walk out at the end of the day, check. We did everything on the list. Yeah, but as a long term sub it's a waste. I used to joke about working for my buck and a quarter an hour, because that's what it felt like a lot of times.

00:10:31:29 - 00:10:54:05
Unknown
Yeah, but, yeah, I just like, I had to do school. I really had to focus on when I was at school. That was my job. And when I was at home, that was my job. And I remember my oldest daughter one night at dinner, I was saying something about my kids, referring to my kids at school, and she was at turn.

00:10:54:05 - 00:11:16:29
Unknown
She goes, she must have been about seventh grade. She goes, I have a mom. We are your kids. Are you her? But I have lots of kids. Yeah. But I feel felt responsible for. So it was some long hard days and I look back and think I don't know how I did it because I don't know looking back.

00:11:17:02 - 00:11:43:05
Unknown
Yeah I mean how do you, you're, you're taking care of everybody at school. You're taking care of everyone at home. You know, was there any time that you, you were taken care of or you know, I imagine that the toll that that can take on a person's mental wellness is, is really heavy. Yeah. Taking care of myself is not part of the part of the deal for sure.

00:11:43:07 - 00:12:06:01
Unknown
Yeah. I didn't start doing anything for myself until my kids were much older. You know, when the my oldest ones were in college, actually, I met, one of the other moms at my daughter's soccer practice, and she was like, I want to start to get back to running. And I was she wasn't even talking to me, honestly.

00:12:06:03 - 00:12:32:15
Unknown
I was like, wait a minute, I want to start running. And so that was what got me out of doing everything for everybody else and doing something for myself. That was the first thing that I started doing for myself. Wow. I didn't ever have my hair done. I mean, it was months and months in between haircuts and things like that because I didn't have the money, and if I did have the money, it wouldn't make sense.

00:12:32:17 - 00:12:56:24
Unknown
Do you find that there was a difference for you once you did start taking even like you said, just that running time and going home for a run was did you notice a shift was it just kind of still same old, same old were surviving. It it took a while. Okay. But yeah, there was definitely a shift of I, I started to, to develop my own friendships.

00:12:56:26 - 00:13:21:11
Unknown
I never had time for friends. Yes. And so these women I started running with became, my friends and somebody to talk to. And I didn't talk to anybody about struggles or anything like that during those, those years. And I was like, wow, this this feels really good to have friends. Yeah. But yeah, I had no idea.

00:13:21:18 - 00:13:42:27
Unknown
I mean, gosh, like, as you mentioned, not really kind of have anyone to even invent to or, you know, talk to about it, whether they got it or not. I sounds incredibly lonely. It was, it was. And yeah, I did have my parents. But, you know, I put the parent filter on with them and because I didn't want them to wake up.

00:13:42:29 - 00:14:02:00
Unknown
So, you know, I tell them a little bit of how it was feeling or what the struggles were, but they really had no idea. Yeah. And, you know, gradually I came to know more of the, the, the people at work that I worked with. The other teachers became friends as well. But it took a while to open up.

00:14:02:03 - 00:14:25:02
Unknown
Because when I start to start getting emotional. Yeah it's hard. It was hard. Yes. And guess what. Emotions are very real part of parenting. Yeah. Oh my goodness. You know there's all sorts of things and that's part of the reason why I'm. So it's okay to cry because crying is a real thing. It's a real part of our journey.

00:14:25:02 - 00:14:39:00
Unknown
I don't know how many times I've heard parents say that, you know, my kids cry and I just sit there and I cry with them because, what are you going to I do? There's nothing I used to. I always tried to hide it from my kids. You know, I I'm standing at the sink with my back turned. Mom, are you crying?

00:14:39:00 - 00:15:01:17
Unknown
No, I'm. I'm just tired. And so I. I hid it from everybody. Wow. Gosh, I just I guess that's why it's all still there with the fact that, you know, it sounds like for you, kind of the narrative and your survival mode was that I didn't need to hide this in order to be able to kind of make it through.

00:15:01:23 - 00:15:23:12
Unknown
Yeah. And sometimes that's all we can do. That's all that we have the capacity to do. And that it really was. Yeah, it really was. Yeah. Because I felt like if I let myself go, I was never coming back home. It was never going to be able to come back from that. Yeah. And to carry that load all on your own, on top of everything else that you were carrying.

00:15:23:14 - 00:15:42:11
Unknown
Yeah. And and I told you before and I feel like I was a really lucky single mom. You know, I had my degree to fall back on. I had my parents to catch me when I was drowning kind of thing. So I know a lot of single moms don't have that. Single parents don't have that. Yeah, and I did.

00:15:42:11 - 00:16:02:00
Unknown
And I feel really lucky for that. And it was still so hard. Wow. Goodness. Okay I want to hear more about this that where are we go from now. Okay. Just mix up the eggs. Break up the eggs a little bit. Mix that in the cottage cheese in there. We might need a little more milk. It looks a little too sticky okay.

00:16:02:00 - 00:16:23:22
Unknown
So we want to know like supposed to be sort of like thick pancake batter. Okay, okay. I can grab some more milk on that. This might this might loosen it up. Enough with, Okay. So should I, should I loosen first and then we'll see. Yep. Okay. So let's do that. Oh come over here. Right. And break up in.

00:16:23:24 - 00:16:43:03
Unknown
It's this real recipe. It's just, Yeah. We'll throw it in and see how it looks. And sounds good. I love it. And sometimes that's what you gotta do as a parent, right? You know, you don't have time to sit there and make a seven course meal. Exactly. So we're just we're whipping something together. And that's where this came into.

00:16:43:03 - 00:17:13:29
Unknown
It was like, I usually pretty much always had some eggs, milk, some flour. Yeah, a little bit of currency to throw in. Okay. So I know that you're talking kind of all the work that you were doing to to be there for your kiddos, both in the classroom and at home, and show up for them despite kind of everything that you were, you were dealing with on the back end of things that, that nobody was seeing.

00:17:14:01 - 00:17:38:15
Unknown
You know, I'm curious, were there times that you received messages from other folks, whether they were unsolicited opinions or judgments just about life? And you know what it was, quote unquote, supposed to be like and what you should be doing. I don't think it was other people's comments. I think it was all me putting that on myself.

00:17:38:15 - 00:18:02:02
Unknown
Okay. Can you tell me more? I had these expectations for my life that it wasn't living up to, you know, I had this vision that I was going to have this perfect, like, textbook. You know, my raising my kids. I was a stay at home mom. I was really lucky to, you know, have been able to stay home for that time.

00:18:02:05 - 00:18:36:09
Unknown
And I just looking around and, like I said, this nice little suburban town, this is what my life should be like. And I'm struggling and everybody else's lives. Look easy compared to mine. Yeah. So it was on me, and I. I'm my own worst critic. Aren't we all? Oh, yeah. So and I think a lot of that was if I had lightened up on myself a little bit.

00:18:36:12 - 00:18:58:11
Unknown
And been able to let some things go. But it was well my house has to be clean and the laundry has to be done. And I have to cook these meals and I'm, I'm struggling to keep it all together. But I wanted the kids to be in a normal health, what I considered to be a normal household.

00:18:58:13 - 00:19:20:11
Unknown
Was there a narrative there that for you or a fear that if it wasn't in, you know, a quote unquote normal household, that it was going to somehow, you know, impact them in a negative way that kept you going and that. Yeah, that's definitely. Yeah. What was that narrative for you? Like, what was your your brain trying to convince you what's going to happen?

00:19:20:16 - 00:19:44:12
Unknown
I didn't I didn't want them to be bullied at school. Okay. You know, that at one point they had been, given a hard time, a little bit about their clothes and their shoes and. Oh, you wear the same pair of shoes every day. When other kids had you know, a variety of shoes to choose from in the mornings, my kids got one pair of shoes every six months.

00:19:44:19 - 00:20:18:16
Unknown
Yeah, because that's what I could afford. So yeah I just I was worried for them, I didn't want them to be targeted for some reason. Yeah. Do you think now that they are more grown up. Do you look back and or maybe they even share some insight that they, you know, it wasn't maybe all that, that you were fearful it was going to be,

00:20:18:19 - 00:20:39:12
Unknown
Now they're more open with me. They they didn't tell me a lot of the things that happened. Or things that kids said back then. Okay. I think they were trying to protect me. Oh wow. And now they're like oh yeah I remember in third grade there was this friend I had and she was really mean, like, well why didn't you tell me.

00:20:39:14 - 00:21:13:18
Unknown
But you know, they didn't want to upset me. I think because they were they saw how I was struggling even though I tried to hide it. Yeah. So, man, kids are more intuitive, more aware than I feel like we give them credit. They really are. Yeah, they really are. Yeah. Do you find, you know, that there was kind of any moments where you had you, you were able to kind of step back and and take a look at things and make some adjustments in that way.

00:21:13:18 - 00:21:36:04
Unknown
Or was it not until, you know, much later that that, as you mentioned, you found your group, you started to kind of open up in that way? Yeah. No, I think it was not until later I was very much in a tunnel of just keep it together. For a long time. Yeah. Did you I know you mentioned, you know, some of the privilege in, in that you had some of the support of your family.

00:21:36:10 - 00:22:01:06
Unknown
Were there struggles that you or messages that that you might have gotten from them as well? Although, you know, supportive. It sounds like, you know, I know you said that they grew up in a very different way, like their household maybe looked a little bit different than than yours. And I'm curious, like, was there challenges that you were facing just on the, on the parents side of things and, and being the kiddo?

00:22:01:09 - 00:22:08:08
Unknown


00:22:08:10 - 00:22:30:27
Unknown
I think my parents were really I mean, my mom was hard on me as far as not hard on me in a negative way, but hard on me as this is what you need to do. I might have been reluctant to follow through on some things or apply for certain jobs or, you know, that kind of thing.

00:22:30:27 - 00:22:51:12
Unknown
My mom and she had always been like that, which at the time I was like, all right, mom, yes, I will finish my teaching credential even though I'm seven months pregnant. But she was on me a while the entire time. Like, you need to finish this. You need. And I never thought I'd need it, but how am I not going to need it?

00:22:51:14 - 00:23:21:03
Unknown
You know, looking back, very thankful that she was on me. Yeah. Is there can you tell me more like, is that a mentality that she's passed down or where did that come from kind of that drive that like you said, you're seven months pregnant and you know, saying, hey, go back, get your, you know, teaching credentials. Yeah. I think that she, you know, neither one of my parents grew up especially, wealthy at all.

00:23:21:05 - 00:23:40:13
Unknown
My mom was the daughter of migrant from farm workers that came out from Oklahoma. Okay. Back in the day, and they were very poor when she was young, and she was the first in her family to go to college and that kind of thing. So I think that she just that was ingrained in her. You need to finish this.

00:23:40:13 - 00:24:03:27
Unknown
This is who, who we have to be. Now. We don't want to go backwards. Yeah. Kind of thing. So are those ideas that you've kind of held on to a little bit. Yeah. Like I, I really try not to push my kids. Meaning you know, like college isn't mandatory because I really don't think college is for everybody.

00:24:03:27 - 00:24:29:20
Unknown
And you don't have to go to college to be successful. Kind of thing. Yeah, but just, pushing them to to work hard and to choose something and go for it and don't be afraid to fail or, You know, the only failure is just not trying at all kind of thing. Okay. I love I love that idea.

00:24:29:20 - 00:24:48:22
Unknown
And even normalizing like you said, that college is not for everyone. I feel like there's so many other messages out there. There's so many. You know in order to succeed it has to look like a, B, C. And right. That's part of I think the struggle. And what we're trying to do here is the fact that everybody's parenting journey looks a little bit different.

00:24:48:24 - 00:25:08:09
Unknown
Just as everybody's personal lives look a little bit different and kind of what they do and how they find success. Yeah. And it doesn't always mean that you have to do everything the exact same way as the person sitting next to you, right? And even in the same family, because all three of my kids, yes, they ended up all going to college and getting degrees.

00:25:08:09 - 00:25:25:29
Unknown
They're following very different paths. Yeah. It was hard for me to accept that, you know, after two very successful older sisters, my son was like, no, I'm not going to college. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm like, that's fine, but you can't just sit on the couch and play a five, so you gotta figure something out.

00:25:25:29 - 00:25:49:11
Unknown
Something needs to happen. Yeah, yeah. So okay, I we do that in. Is this a good cause? Let's try again. Okay. All right. So now kind of as you're looking back are there. You know, I mean I know you mentioned kind of a little bit you were doing all of this when before there were kind of all the resources.

00:25:49:13 - 00:26:18:01
Unknown
Yeah. That this was all pre-Internet kind of. Yeah. Yeah. So, so have that fall back on for sure. How were there any like so other supports outside of family that you found were really helpful or that you kind of, went to, to be able to support you kind of on, on parenthood. I mean, there, you know, the couple of times I would go to,

00:26:18:04 - 00:26:46:07
Unknown
Children and family services or anything like that, I really didn't feel like they were helpful for me because I was in that middle ground space. I wasn't totally poor and destitute, you know? I had a place to live. I had a roof over my head. I had a little bit of money coming in. And if you're in that middle ground, you're out of luck writing about.

00:26:46:07 - 00:27:03:22
Unknown
Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's kind of like going to college, you know, you're either able to pay for it out, right, or you qualify for financial aid. But those people in the middle ground are the ones that really suffer and have to take on all the student debt because there's not a lot of support. That's where I found myself.

00:27:03:22 - 00:27:29:21
Unknown
Wow. I imagine, you know, that's that's difficult to be, like you said, in that middle ground where there's not a whole lot of services, there's not a whole lot of, you know, financial aid or programs that are available because it's it's too much. You make too much. To, to be I need and you don't make enough to really kind of thrive right in that.

00:27:29:21 - 00:27:49:10
Unknown
And so to, to be in that goodness kind of be really difficult. Well and it was hard to kind of find resources without like now we have the internet, you just go and search. And I didn't even know where to start kind of thing. Yeah. I didn't have a whole lot of time to dedicate to it. Like that's fair.

00:27:49:12 - 00:28:09:09
Unknown
You had a lot on your plate. Okay, so where are we doing? A little bit of oil in the pan. Perfect. Am I just frying them up like pancakes? You're just going to pour it all in there into one big thing? Yep. Really? Yep. Okay. And so it kind of will brown on the bottom. And you might need a little more oil than less.

00:28:09:14 - 00:28:36:00
Unknown
Okay. Because as it cooks on the bottom and it looks like one giant pancake, but instead of flipping it at that point, you're just going to start breaking it up into chunks, okay? And turn it around and let in. Okay. It's it's not a pretty meal. Chunky pancakes. Yeah. Very cool. And so how would you normally serve these.

00:28:36:00 - 00:29:03:13
Unknown
Like just by themselves. So what I would do is fry it all up, get it all chunky. And then, everybody gets a plate, okay? And you get however much you would like to have. We sprinkle that with sugar. Okay. Just regular sugar. A lot of the recipes I found online, it's very much a family dish. And so some people add raisins to it and some people, you know, it's very different depending on the recipe you find.

00:29:03:15 - 00:29:27:09
Unknown
Okay. But, we served it with a sprinkling of sugar and canned fruit. Canned fruit. Okay. If my kids favorite was canned pears and canned peaches, it would be delicious with, like a jelly or something poured over, kind of melted and poured over. Fresh fruit would be fine. We just like the juice from the canned fruit.

00:29:27:09 - 00:29:52:24
Unknown
Yeah. Kind of pour over it. It doubled as the sirup. And it sounds like all things considered, is fairly economical. Yeah. As far as the recipe, definitely. Was that did you find other things that for you that was your go to because of just that? We didn't have a whole ton. And so these were some of your go to recipes.

00:29:52:24 - 00:30:17:00
Unknown
Yeah. There was there's not necessarily recipes, but there is what we call the food box in town. Okay. The Western Eagle Foundation had a store in town and we'd go there every couple of weeks, and I think it was $25 for a box of fruit. And you get fresh fruits and vegetables and some restaurant leftovers, kind of prepackaged.

00:30:17:04 - 00:30:32:16
Unknown
Oh, we call it mystery sauce. Sometimes it was just a big plastic package of something white and creamy. So you never knew if it was gravy or cream of mushroom soup or what. It was okay. Just kind of had it became a game, you know, we'd pull it out and say, all right, what are we having for dinner?

00:30:32:17 - 00:30:52:14
Unknown
What do you think it is? What do you think it is? So, my kids were great sports about it. That was a lot of times that's what we ate. But that also came with, like, little bags of chips that I could never afford. And they were so excited to have or, you know, things of chocolate milk that were on the verge of expiration.

00:30:52:14 - 00:31:14:03
Unknown
But that meant we had to drink it all right away, and we had to drink a gallon of chocolate milk in the next two days, and they were all about it. I was about to say, it sounds like any kids dream challenge. You had to drink all this milk and you know, I, I really tried to stay on the healthier side with stuff, but, you know, you can only do so much with chocolate milk.

00:31:14:03 - 00:31:35:11
Unknown
It's you got to drink it. Yeah. Was that was there a specific reason why staying on the healthier side was something that was important to you? I mean, outside of just quote unquote, healthier? Because I know that that can be a real challenge for for folks that maybe don't have an arm and a leg to be able to spend on groceries.

00:31:35:17 - 00:32:02:03
Unknown
Right, because, you know, the healthier food seems to cost the most, seems to cost the most truly. And yeah, that was the one of the ways I was able to try to stay healthier, because it's just always been important to me. I was raised on healthy food, and it was important to my parents, and I just felt like I didn't want my kids to be junk food cans.

00:32:02:08 - 00:32:29:27
Unknown
Yeah. Was that again like a different a narrative in your head if they were junk food? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. What was going on there? I just, I don't know, I, I yes, I guess part of that being that middle class family meant I had to cook dinner and we weren't going to rely on fast and easy to feed us.

00:32:29:29 - 00:33:01:03
Unknown
But it was hard. Yeah. It was hard to stay on that path and so much to live up to. Like if that's the idea. Right. That it not only do I need to work all day because I have to provide, there's no one else to provide. It's just me, right. And then I have to be present at home for all the things that are included cooking, cleaning, etc. but that the cooking needed to be a specific way that I had to cook one.

00:33:01:05 - 00:33:27:06
Unknown
That I had to cook healthy food. Right. And kind of having that expectation, I mean, that's a really big ask to try to live up to for just in general, not counting I free my life. I made my own life really miserable. But again, I you know, I'm so curious about kind of what's going on because I imagine you're not alone in that idea that this is this is what it's right.

00:33:27:06 - 00:33:56:28
Unknown
It's supposed to look like. Well, and this is my job. I chose to have these children. This is they're my responsibility. This is part of my job as the parent is to feed them. And provide for them. These certain things. Yeah. So, I mean, it sounds exhausting. To live like. Like I said, I look back and think, I'm not quite sure how I survived that.

00:33:56:28 - 00:34:22:06
Unknown
I do distinctly remember times, you know, and the kids were probably really little, just coming home and it being 730, 8:00 and thinking, I, I can't, I gotta go to bed. Yeah. Just exhausted. Like I said before, I was really lucky to have six kids that were like, okay, mom, that's all right. You could go to bed.

00:34:22:06 - 00:34:44:01
Unknown
And they just got themselves to bed on Friday night when I just couldn't do it anymore. Do you if you were had a time machine and you were able to kind of go back, are there any things, any insights that you would offer yourselves or words that you would tell yourself kind of differently now looking back at it.

00:34:44:03 - 00:35:17:27
Unknown
Oh, absolutely. Yeah. There were so many things that I spend time on hand washing dishes that I felt needed to be hand wash to protect them. You know, there. Beauty or, you know, just because they were expensive or, in my view, of expensive. My mom always hand washed all the coffee cups that had writing and stuff on them, because if you put them in the dishwasher, they were often, you know, I spent time hand washing things that like really, a or or ironing things like you really it didn't need to be ironed.

00:35:17:27 - 00:35:40:10
Unknown
So many things I've learned to let go now. Yeah, but back then, like, it's important. The house doesn't need to be spotless. Yeah. The kids don't have to have ironed clothes and perfect hair every day, and, you know, those kinds of things. One of the teachers I talked with, she gave me a hard time. For a long time.

00:35:40:11 - 00:35:56:02
Unknown
I was in the hallway before school one morning. I had my son bent over the sink in the hallway. Wedding. His hairdo. Oh my goodness, because I'd forgotten to do it in the morning before I was like, you can't go to school like that. Look at your hair. And then the hallway trying to ruin his hairdo. I was like, really?

00:35:56:02 - 00:36:20:25
Unknown
Who cares? Yeah. Let me. The kids go to school with their hair crazy and look, they're just fine. Can you talk a little bit more about that? Who cares? Because I think that that's something I hear so much that, yes, maybe on the outside you're like, who cares? Oh, it'll be okay. But yet it's still such an a hard one for parents to to let go of.

00:36:20:28 - 00:36:46:18
Unknown
It's it is. And it takes a lot of self-talk and a lot, a lot of reflection on what's really important here. So many Disney movies. My kids are like oh mom, remember this movie? I don't remember because they were watching the movie in the evening and I, instead of sitting on the couch with them and enjoying the movie, I was trying to clean and mowing the yard in the dark.

00:36:46:21 - 00:37:23:20
Unknown
Oh my goodness, who cares? So the yard's a little long. It's okay. Yeah. Do you feel like you missed out on some things? Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Like when just that bonding time, the downtime with the kids just to relax and have fun and play games, they never do that. Yeah. So yeah, I imagine, you know, even having the wherewithal to be able to, to sit down like you said and enjoy those games, it's really hard to access when you have so much on your mind already.

00:37:23:20 - 00:37:45:20
Unknown
And like you said, it sounds like didn't really have an outlet. Right. And so that's just all all up there taking up kind of every nook and cranny. And your brain does that. Yeah. And that's wow. Okay. So yeah, it looks like it's you can at any point you can kind of lift up the edge and see how it's doing on the bottom.

00:37:45:26 - 00:38:09:26
Unknown
Okay. Oh, yeah. Puffin up there. Yeah. Okay. So you can start to kind of break it up and there's no real you can't mess it up. It is what it is. It just start chunking it. Out you go. Yeah. Challenge I'm going to accept it. You don't want the chunks to be terribly small because then you just kind of have to scoop them.

00:38:09:26 - 00:38:34:05
Unknown
Okay? But you know. Chunks. Okay. You just start breaking it up and letting it fry a little bit, and you break it up a little more and let it fry. Okay? You have a nicer nonstick pan, so you shouldn't need any more oil. And one. So there were times when I was like, oh, it's going to start sticking and just add a little oil underneath.

00:38:34:05 - 00:38:55:18
Unknown
And but yeah, you just want to kind of brown it up okay. It's almost like frying a hamburger or something. Yeah. So once I break it up and my flipping it then so that all sides are good. Yeah. You just stir it up because after it's chunked up, okay, you just end up stirring it. Gotcha. Like I said, very much like frying hamburger.

00:38:55:21 - 00:39:33:18
Unknown
So I'm curious kind of more along your lines of, of your journey in kind of parenthood. Were there aspects, if you were to kind of tell a young, a young, single parent now that you would kind of offer, you know, whether that's just insights that you've developed on your own or any resources or, you know, I know you work in education, so I imagine there's there's some insights that you might have there for anybody who's kind of listening that you, you could offer, you would say to them, as someone who might have a journey that looks a little bit, a little bit like yours.

00:39:33:21 - 00:39:57:00
Unknown
Yeah, I guess just don't be too proud to take the help when people offer it. I kind of had that and I'll, I can do this attitude in people where people are willing to help take the help. You know the advice you can take what fits your situation or what the advice you like and let the other stuff go.

00:39:57:02 - 00:40:16:20
Unknown
Don't miss out on those times that you have to just spend a little quiet time with your kids. I didn't take my kids to the park circle. I always felt like I've got chores at home. I don't have time to go to the park. Yeah, and part of that is my kids have a really good work ethic, and I'm grateful for that.

00:40:16:22 - 00:40:36:13
Unknown
And I think that that's part of the, you know, we've got things to do at home. We've got laundry to do. I need you guys to help me. It was one man in my neighborhood that always seemed to walk by with his dog or his kids or whatever, when we were out front doing the yard. But it was very much as the kids got older.

00:40:36:16 - 00:41:02:27
Unknown
It was a group effort, you know, we'd get outside to do the yard and one kid would mow and one kid would. We did, and one kid would use the blower and I would pull weeds or whatever, and. And we learned to work together really well to get the job done. Yeah. And I'm grateful for that because I think they did learn what it takes to, to get by and get everything done.

00:41:02:29 - 00:41:24:17
Unknown
So it sounds like there were even though maybe it wasn't your kind of ideal picture, you know, that you had in your mind of what it was going to look like, that it still sounds like your kiddos are thriving. They've learned a lot of a lot of skills that sound like maybe come into to use now. They turned out okay.

00:41:24:17 - 00:41:47:17
Unknown
I really am so thankful that, yeah, I know I didn't completely ruin them, but they did. They turned out okay and they all have good memories of growing up. You know, I don't hear a lot of negatives every once in a while. You know, it's. I remember that time, mom, when you were really mad because we. Who doesn't know?

00:41:47:17 - 00:42:15:19
Unknown
I have one of those story. Do you think that hearing that the fact that there isn't more and if quote unquote negative memories that they have, does that surprise you at all? It kind of does. Yeah. Because from where I sat, I felt like it was all negative. Yeah. And they they don't see it that way and I'm thankful for that.

00:42:15:22 - 00:42:38:28
Unknown
I do believe it I do. Yeah. Yeah. They're they're pretty honest with me now about you know these are the good times. These were the bad times kind of thing. I don't know if I just did a really good job hiding you know the really hard things tried to mediate that. Okay. And how did you do that.

00:42:38:28 - 00:42:57:06
Unknown
Like, like what's the money situation. You know it's like it's we don't have a lot of money. We can't afford that. Whatever. And showing them that I have to work a whole day to pay the electric bill every month. I have to work a whole day to pay, you know, those kinds of thing, being open with them about some of those things.

00:42:57:06 - 00:43:28:15
Unknown
Okay. Yeah. As you know. Yeah. We don't have the money for that this month. Kind of trying to hide that a little more. They'll have a really good money sense how much things cost. That kind of. So and you know I heard you mention kind of all of the, all of the, the skills that they have and, and that they turned out good and you know, that they were pretty helpful.

00:43:28:17 - 00:43:51:10
Unknown
That was also kind of you're doing I mean, I imagine that they weren't just born that way unless your kids were kind of magical in that they were born with all of these skills. So how to time I will I was pretty hard on them. I looking back, I think I was pretty hard on them. No. So expecting you know, these are the chores that need to be done.

00:43:51:13 - 00:44:16:25
Unknown
This is the behavior I expect. This is, you know, grades, homework, all of those things. Yeah. But again trying and it's you know, it's any kind of parent knows it's hard to find the middle ground. Hello strict do you need to be how how lenient. Where do you need to buckle down a little more. Yeah I had those same struggles.

00:44:16:28 - 00:44:38:23
Unknown
But I had to be good guy and bad guy. And I think I lean toward that guy a little more often. So was that again coming from a narrative I need to tackle this. I need to to nip it now because there's no one else to do it because there's nobody else. Yeah, definitely was that hard. It was.

00:44:38:25 - 00:44:58:17
Unknown
Yeah. I at one point my daughter is like, mom, why do you say no all the time? And I was like, yeah, I did all right. I always say no. It was easier to come back from a no and say yes yeah than a yes to then say no. So my gut answer was always no. And then I'd have time to think about it a little bit.

00:44:58:17 - 00:45:25:26
Unknown
And it's like but why not. Yeah okay. And that came with learning to let things go. And when you did say yes, did you find that it was maybe, you know, as bad as you thought it was going to be or you know, whatever your brain was. No, of course not. It's never as bad as you know it.

00:45:25:28 - 00:45:46:06
Unknown
A lot of times it was just a timing issue. Yeah. You know, no, we don't have time to go swimming because whatever. Yeah. So and so had soccer practice and then we have a baseball game and then we have, you know, and I created all of that myself because I was wanting them to stay involved in all of these things.

00:45:46:06 - 00:46:00:04
Unknown
But it made my life extra chaotic for sure. And so, you know, dropping this one off, okay, this practice starts at this time and this practice starts at that time. And so I'll drop this kind of kid off at that practice, and then I'll go over and drop that kid off at that practice on the other side of town.

00:46:00:05 - 00:46:23:14
Unknown
Yeah. And then I think I can make it back here to pick this kid up. And then what are we going to do for dinner? So. Yeah. And, again, you don't have a partner to tag in, right? Right. It's just it's just me. Yeah. Goodness. Yeah. It would have been a lot easier to just not let them play those things, but, that was one of the things I felt like was important.

00:46:23:16 - 00:46:42:17
Unknown
Yeah. And do you think, like, looking back, you would have maybe given yourself a little bit of grace? Like, maybe they don't have to do every single sport or, you know, I, I really did limit it to two. Yeah. They, they each got one sport to play at any given time. Okay. Or one activity to be involved in.

00:46:42:17 - 00:47:09:19
Unknown
It may or may not have been a sport, but you know, I could only manage one thing per child at a time. Yeah. And see I think that there are you know, I've, I've heard parents that they do everything and anything. They're, you know, five different sports because there, there is that fear that there is that narrative like if I'm not putting them in these things, they're going to lose out or they're they're not going to be socialized or whatever that narrative is.

00:47:09:26 - 00:47:32:24
Unknown
But it sounds like even for you being able to kind of set that limit and that boundary of, I want you to do stuff that's important to me. At the same time, I only have the capacity. Even that was, it sounds like extending you far beyond your capacity, but nonetheless that you, you know, it was one sport and that or one activity even that there was still value in that, that they weren't.

00:47:32:24 - 00:47:58:23
Unknown
It sounds like not losing out or any less than right people. Yeah. Because they weren't do I and you know, all of these parents. Oh well, you know my kids on the scholarship track and they're going to play college soccer, college baseball, this, that and the other thing. And I was like, yeah, my kids, we can't afford the travel teams and we can't afford the private pitching coaches.

00:47:58:28 - 00:48:19:23
Unknown
And I really had to accept that. That was not a track my kids were going to be on. Yeah. And it was okay. And yet for those that don't know, I mean, they are they're doing so good. They are rock stars. I don't know if I got that far. I mean, my, my oldest daughter has a doctorate.

00:48:19:25 - 00:48:50:08
Unknown
Yeah. She's an occupational therapist. One of the big up, not hotels. Hospitals in Portland. My middle daughter has a degree in math. And my son has an automotive technology degree, but he's got a great job in Chicago. And, you know, I really encouraged my kids to take the opportunity. I was lucky I still made little enough when they went to college that they qualified for the low income college.

00:48:50:08 - 00:49:17:27
Unknown
Okay. Programs. So, both girls went to college and paid virtually nothing but room and board, books. But tuition was paid. Okay. And I encourage them to go and do and find some place that they wanted to go while they still had home to fall back on. Why is that important? They felt like they needed to learn to be independent.

00:49:18:04 - 00:49:43:05
Unknown
Yeah, I didn't want them to, you know, run home on the weekends because it was easy. If there's my mother coming out I was as I say it sounds really familiar. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But go do be independent. Well I got your back. Yeah but go be independent. I'm here if you need me. I want to give you skills to be able to not need me.

00:49:43:05 - 00:50:00:28
Unknown
Right. And and to and to be able to do it on your own and to have that confidence. Because that was the confidence. I didn't have when I started this journey. Yeah. I never thought I'd have to do it on my own. I didn't think I could. Yeah. And it took me a lot of years to figure it out.

00:50:01:00 - 00:50:25:24
Unknown
Wow, look at me. I really can't do this. You did it. And. And it sounds like that not only did you do it for your kiddos, but you showed up for so many other people's kids. I hope so, I hope so. You're still doing it? Yeah, I do have one. I'm one of my girls from second grade who she came to school every day and cried every single day.

00:50:25:24 - 00:50:42:01
Unknown
She cried. She just wanted to go home and be with her mom. And so I, you know, talked to her mom, and we negotiate. Okay. I'll be your school mom. She can be your home mom. And when she graduated from high school a couple of years ago, she came back and said, I'm going to be a teacher because of you.

00:50:42:01 - 00:51:25:27
Unknown
And I'll never forget that you were there for me when I just wanted to be home with my mom. Wow. So that sounds so very special. It really was, because she was in my class when I couldn't see past the end of the day some days. Yeah. So. And to know that, gosh, you were able to do that and show up in those ways, despite everything, despite all of the challenges that were trying to knock you down and your own inner critic that, you know, as you mentioned, it's super strong that you, you, you found your way through it, through the challenges and showed up and touched so many lives.

00:51:26:00 - 00:52:00:27
Unknown
Even outside of your own kids. That's really neat and that's really special. And that's why you're so awesome. Tanya sweet. Thanks. Still showing up even for my kiddos. My kids absolutely love you and so I can only imagine. All the kids that are just. I really had to learn to be present where I was. Yeah, you know, I can't think about how I'm going to get my own kids to practice at 10 a.m. when I'm trying to teach math, 10 a.m. it's math.

00:52:00:27 - 00:52:18:18
Unknown
I'm I have to be there and teach math and not not worry about what's going to happen this weekend or at the end of the day or dinner time. And vice versa. When I get home, I couldn't worry about what I was going to teach, or whether the papers were going to get graded or any of that.

00:52:18:20 - 00:52:37:27
Unknown
And I'm fixing dinner. I had to focus on fixing. Yeah. And that it was a hard lesson to learn because I was constantly trying to plan and, wrap my arms around everything that needed to be done. But you can only do so much at a time. Yeah. And it sounds like almost like a slowing down of needing to kind of slow down.

00:52:38:00 - 00:53:04:29
Unknown
Yeah for sure. Which can be really difficult for, for parents to, to allow themselves that permission to slow down because as there is always so much on our plates, there's always something to do, right? Some lights, some fire is burning that you have to put it out and you have to figure out how to do it while, you know, showing up for all these other fires that are also simultaneously going off.

00:53:05:02 - 00:53:25:09
Unknown
And so beautiful is this is just what I. That's what you were going for. Okay. So am I ready? Can I you're done. My done. Yep. When it's just kind of dry and crispy. You're done. Okay. And then we would put whatever we want with how many ever how much ever you want on your plate. Sprinkle it with a little sugar to sweeten it up.

00:53:25:12 - 00:53:42:28
Unknown
I saw some recipes. Put sugar in the mix okay. We just never did the sprinkled it on top because the kids were really excited about being able to sprinkle sugar on something that was a real treat. Yeah, and I imagine then you could also even kind of do it, you know, serve your serve yourself. Put your own toppings.

00:53:42:28 - 00:54:05:27
Unknown
Yep. Which, you know, kids, kids love. Right. To be able to feel that that independence of I'm making my own food. Yeah. Here's what it looks like. So here's one lovely food. There we go. It's not real pretty. Hey, it's going to quiz dinner. It's going to get people fed. Yeah. And that's what. And that's sometimes when you gotta do that's right here.

00:54:06:00 - 00:54:29:06
Unknown
Yeah. Well thank you. Thank you so much for being willing to chat with us and teach us this lovely recipe. I know my kiddos are excited to try it with their own toppings. And being willing to share your story. I know that, it's not always something that people like to talk about or willing to talk about because it doesn't fit the norm and kind of what it's supposed to look like.

00:54:29:09 - 00:54:57:02
Unknown
But I think that that's just it is that there are so many people out there whose stories don't fit the box. Right. And it feels incredibly lonely because you're looking around even now with social media, right? Being able to look at it and it sounds like even for you, you know, going to the grocery store or going to school and seeing all these other families and how on the surface, that's what it looks like, is it looks like they're fitting into this box, why can't I?

00:54:57:02 - 00:55:17:16
Unknown
Right. And, hopefully I'll allow people the opportunity to know that there's actually a lot more people than that fitting into the box than we think they are. So true. So, so thank you so much. I really appreciate you and welcome not just in my life, so willing to come in and and share that with us and all of our listeners.

00:55:17:21 - 00:55:42:04
Unknown
Thanks for having me. Yes. All right, folks, thanks so much. And we'll see you next time. If you or anyone that you know is struggling with any of the topics that we discussed in today's episode, make sure to check out our show notes for support and resources. You can get help. Thanks again for joining us on today's episode of The Real Family Eats.

00:55:42:06 - 00:56:06:08
Unknown
If you're a parent ready to share your real life parenting story, make sure to reach out to us and our website found in the show notes. And that goes for today's recipe, social media support and resources. All of that can be found in our show notes, so make sure to check them out and make sure to follow, like, share, subscribe, and stay up to date on all things the real family Eats.

00:56:06:10 - 00:56:12:22
Unknown
I hope you'll join us next time for more food for thought and thoughtful food. Enjoy your eats!