How to Advocate for Autism: Sam Finds Her Voice + Tacos

In this episode, Samantha Alloway, mom of three and Executive Director of the Arc of Illinois, joins Reesa Morala, LMFT, to share her heartfelt journey of parenting an autistic child. Samantha discusses her experiences advocating for her child’s rights, even in the face of resistance from medical professionals, and the resources and strategies she found along the way.

She opens up about her personal struggles with postpartum depression, battling thoughts of suicide, and finding the strength to keep going for her family. As they delve into parenting insights and overcoming challenges, Samantha also shares her family-favorite Taco Night recipe—a fun and easy way to bring everyone together at the table.

Subscribe, like, and follow for more empowering parenting stories, practical tips, and delicious recipes!

💬 What parenting challenges have you faced? Share your story in the comments!
🌮 Tried the recipe? Let us know how it turned out!

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Taco Night

INGREDIENTS:

1lb ground meat of choice
Taco seasoning 
Bag of Frozen riced cauliflower 
1/2c Chicken Stock
Crunchy Taco Shells
(Optional)
Ellis' twist - cooked chicken nuggets per bag instructions
Shredded lettuce
Shredded cheese
Sour cream
Diced tomatoes 
Bag of nacho cheese Doritos for crumble topping

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Oil pan and brown meat
2. Season with taco seasoning
3. Add riced cauliflower and chicken stock. Simmer until cauliflower is cooked and sauce thickened.
4. Dress tacos with desired toppings and serve.

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If you or your loved one is struggling with any of the topics discussed, here are some resources:

The Arc of Illinois: www.thearcofil.org

Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net/ 

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Disclaimer:

The content provided on this podcast channel is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or treatment. While we aim to share valuable insights and promote mental well-being, our discussions and content are not a substitute for professional mental health services.

The views and opinions expressed by the host(s) and guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the podcast channel. 

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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a couples counselor for parents providing therapy in person in Murrieta, CA and virtual couples therapy in California. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!

Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!

For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com

If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.

Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988

Go to your local hospital or call 911

Transcript

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:06:14
Speaker 1
Viewers be advised. Today's episode contains themes of suicide and may not be appropriate for all audiences.

00:00:06:19 - 00:00:12:14
Speaker 3
I mean I truly can say I was never lower. And you know what makes me my heart hurt about that. I only talk about it like

00:00:12:14 - 00:00:18:12
Speaker 3
I look back at how much joy I missed because there was so much joy to be had.

00:00:18:12 - 00:00:23:12
Speaker 3
Like, they were the most beautiful boys that you ever want to believe, you know?

00:00:23:15 - 00:00:29:25
Speaker 3
And I missed so much joy because I carried so much pain. I'm so sorry.

00:00:38:04 - 00:00:57:02
Speaker 2
Hey, everyone. Thanks for joining me. My name is Reesa and I'm your host. We are talking to real families about real stories. Here on The Real Family Eats, where we've got food for thought and thoughtful food. So let's eat.

00:01:05:04 - 00:01:13:28
Speaker 1
Today, my guest, my lovely guest here is Samantha. Thank you so much for being the guest on our show.

00:01:14:00 - 00:01:20:13
Speaker 3
So proud of you. It's so good to see you here. Are you still have a little sister vibes to me? That's really never going to change.

00:01:20:16 - 00:01:22:12
Speaker 2
I'm so proud of you.

00:01:22:15 - 00:01:28:15
Speaker 1
I mean, I really you guys adopted me when I was in college. I had no family, so same. Same.

00:01:28:18 - 00:01:39:07
Speaker 3
You always have family, and we I would I mean, I will come out to San Diego anytime. Don't you ever. I'm on my way. So. I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having me join you today.

00:01:39:09 - 00:01:46:05
Speaker 1
Yes, absolutely. So for my listeners who don't know you like I know you. Can you introduce yourself to them?

00:01:46:08 - 00:02:04:27
Speaker 3
I would love to. So my name is Samantha Alloway. Let's see, I'll start with the role. The most important role I have in my life, which is the mother of one, two, three sons. Aged 11, nine and three and a half. We had a whole surprise Covid baby. While it was a surprise, it was a pleasant and beautiful one.

00:02:04:27 - 00:02:22:08
Speaker 3
And he is honestly in charge of the family, so I'm glad he showed up. And I've been so I've been a mom now, considering pregnancy for the last 12 years, which I think makes me a bit of a veteran parent. And I have three kids, so it's a strong number. It's like herding cats at this point, you know?

00:02:22:08 - 00:02:45:28
Speaker 3
And for sure, yes, it's a strong number. And also, my nine year old son, Ellis, was diagnosed at the age of three with autism spectrum disorder. And it has been a journey into learning the disability field and learning the disability world, and what my role was in that for him, as far as an advocate and a mother and being a mother on some days and the advocate on other and on many days both, you know what I mean?

00:02:45:28 - 00:03:09:02
Speaker 3
Navigating the special education system and IEPs. And, I found myself in a journey of advocacy and of education. I eventually went back and got a degree in criminal justice studies and legal justice studies to become a professional paralegal so that I could learn the law and navigate how these things work. And through a series of happy accidents, I became the CEO of the Arc of Illinois.

00:03:09:08 - 00:03:20:23
Speaker 3
We are the largest advocacy coalition and organization for advocacy at families and guardians of those with disabilities in the state of Illinois. So I've been there for the last 14 days.

00:03:20:25 - 00:03:25:27
Speaker 2
Just I, I transition, yeah, a little transition.

00:03:25:27 - 00:03:37:25
Speaker 3
So that's what I'm doing in my day to day. We live right by the river. We live by the Fox River in Illinois. We do a lot of water sports, a lot of biking. And, that's pretty much my day to day.

00:03:37:28 - 00:03:38:20
Speaker 2
Awesome.

00:03:38:20 - 00:04:00:12
Speaker 1
Well, I can't wait to hear more about your story and similar. I'm so proud of you. And kind of I, you know, getting this potentially, you know, big challenge, life changing challenge and just kind of tackling it head on. It sounds like, and figuring out, you know, this is my kiddo. I love him and I want to be able to kind of do what needs to be done.

00:04:00:12 - 00:04:05:08
Speaker 1
And if there's not someone to do it, hey, guess what? I'm going to do it myself.

00:04:05:10 - 00:04:07:15
Speaker 3
Yeah, well, I guess I'm going to do it myself. And that is.

00:04:07:18 - 00:04:12:28
Speaker 2
What blazing that way.

00:04:13:01 - 00:04:24:03
Speaker 3
And that's, I mean, but that's all of us mamas, isn't it? Like every day, no matter how hard it is, we are figuring out how to do the best job we can. I don't think I'm alone in that, that's for sure.

00:04:24:06 - 00:04:32:20
Speaker 1
Absolutely. Can you tell us a little bit more about kind of the arc and, you know, how do we find those resources is for anybody who might be needing them?

00:04:32:22 - 00:05:04:20
Speaker 3
Oh, sure. You can find us at the arc of yl.org. So if you ever want to look us up. But what's great about the arc of Illinois is there are 50 chapters. So whatever state you're in, there is an arc. We are a member. We are a chapter of the arc of the United States. So what I love about that is we're not just having, you know, federal legislation and federal policies, but then all of that's navigated through the states to try to be that resource for families looking for where to turn when their children are diagnosed with a disability or their adult loved ones.

00:05:04:20 - 00:05:37:09
Speaker 3
You know, sometimes it's not until somebody is older that you recognize there could be an intellectual developmental disability, or you're it could be a traumatic brain injury that changes and creates an intellectual disability where you need services, day services or community integrated living arrangements, which we call silos, somewhere where adults with disabilities can have independent lives. And that's really what we try to do through the arc, is to create the most empowered and individualistic support, because it's a person centered support, right?

00:05:37:09 - 00:05:41:23
Speaker 3
Yeah. I mean, you have your two boys and are they the same person?

00:05:41:25 - 00:05:45:15
Speaker 1
No, I mean, that would make my job a little bit easier.

00:05:45:18 - 00:05:47:16
Speaker 2
But I'm sure it will.

00:05:47:16 - 00:05:48:22
Speaker 3
Copy and paste, right?

00:05:48:29 - 00:05:50:21
Speaker 2
Yeah, just just do that.

00:05:50:23 - 00:06:08:18
Speaker 3
I swear to you, my sons have the same parents, and you wouldn't necessarily know it if you met them. They look alike, but you know how different their character is. And so something we really strive for is those person centered services that create a world where people have their own choice of where to live, where to eat, what to eat.

00:06:08:20 - 00:06:34:29
Speaker 3
You know, where where do they find joy? Do they find joy in art? Or do they find joy in sports? Do they find joy in horticulture? And we try to provide those services as much as we can within the community. It's, it's a really big honor. It's a lot of fun. And it's really at the bottom for me, like the the root for me is to make sure that I leave this world better for Ellis than I found it.

00:06:35:01 - 00:06:50:22
Speaker 3
You know, if I could do something that creates it a little bit better for him. I mean, the phrase I wouldn't change you for the world, but I would change the world for you is drives me every day. So, you know, be the change you want to see. Type something.

00:06:50:22 - 00:06:52:15
Speaker 2
You know? Gosh, I.

00:06:52:15 - 00:06:56:10
Speaker 1
Absolutely love that. And I love you. Thank you so much. Okay. I'm so.

00:06:56:10 - 00:06:57:20
Speaker 2
Excited.

00:06:57:23 - 00:07:05:18
Speaker 1
All right, before we get into more of the story, tell us what recipe you're going to teach me today and tell me why you chose this one.

00:07:05:20 - 00:07:24:11
Speaker 3
All right, so it is basic. It's going to be, I swear to you that I do cook better than this in real life. But if I'm cooking for kids. So especially having a neurodivergent son, he is very specific about foods. Okay, there's a lot of food aversions, that we dealt with even more so when he was small.

00:07:24:11 - 00:07:39:18
Speaker 3
Now he'll try different fruits and vegetables and. Oh, I can get that going. Yes, but there's other too. Well, I don't know. Emma eats good. That's a three year old, the 11 year old, I don't know. He's just a carnivore. Like he's on the carnivore diet. He just wants burgers and fries. I guess that's not really a carnivore.

00:07:39:18 - 00:07:40:21
Speaker 3
Eat. He'll eat that.

00:07:40:21 - 00:07:44:23
Speaker 2
But, Yeah, Ellen's okay, but, you know, but.

00:07:44:23 - 00:08:09:01
Speaker 3
Ellen's, is very specific, so he eats a very consistent diet of chicken fingers or tenders, which I have for nuggets. He eats a lot. Any Dorito besides spicy Doritos. He will ingest soft pretzels, yogurt, and Capri Sun. So it's a very healthy, well-balanced diet.

00:08:09:02 - 00:08:10:28
Speaker 2
And, yeah, it's the.

00:08:10:28 - 00:08:15:02
Speaker 3
Food pyramid. Capri Sun. Go-Gurt, you know, so.

00:08:15:04 - 00:08:15:21
Speaker 2
Tonight.

00:08:15:21 - 00:08:31:03
Speaker 3
We're going to make taco night, and it's just basic as can be. But there's one little thing I add in there to try to make myself feel better. And, that's cauliflower. So we blended into make it a bit of a lie and that is helpful. But and often he will eat that because he doesn't even know what's in there.

00:08:31:05 - 00:08:32:25
Speaker 1
So now I make tacos.

00:08:32:28 - 00:08:34:02
Speaker 3
For my tacos girl.

00:08:34:04 - 00:08:34:21
Speaker 2
Well, I'm going.

00:08:34:21 - 00:08:51:22
Speaker 1
To I'm going to tell you what my oldest, Malachi, he saw what recipe we're going to do today. And he was like, can I be your type taste tester? And so it sounds like it's already going to be a big hit. Granted, I don't know if you saw the cauliflower on the list, but, you know, we'll see.

00:08:51:25 - 00:08:53:03
Speaker 2
I won't tell him.

00:08:53:05 - 00:08:58:26
Speaker 1
All right. So what do I start with? I've got my pan. Am I just I'm throwing my ground meat in there.

00:08:58:28 - 00:09:11:21
Speaker 3
We're going to Kroger and throw right in. So let's ground the beef first okay. It's free. Then you heat up the pan or whatever oil you prefer, and then you're just going to ground that up. I'll have the taco seasoning packet too.

00:09:11:24 - 00:09:17:21
Speaker 1
So you know what? I didn't have a taco seasoning packets. That kind of made my home. I made my own taco seasoning.

00:09:17:23 - 00:09:22:06
Speaker 3
Oh, that's even better. Yeah, because then you could do with less salt and less sugar.

00:09:22:08 - 00:09:27:09
Speaker 1
Here you go. Right. So that was my intention. Yeah, that's what I meant to do.

00:09:28:14 - 00:09:33:27
Speaker 3
I could see that. I could see that. Okay, ground that up and they start there.

00:09:33:29 - 00:09:52:24
Speaker 1
Okay, so while this is Browning, tell me, kind of tell me about your journey. I'd love for you to kind of start about what were maybe some of the, aspects that you were seeing kind of with ours that kind of had the flags going up. But, hey, maybe there's something more here. Let's explore some answers.

00:09:52:26 - 00:10:11:14
Speaker 3
All right. So I think it's it's important it's always difficult to answer that question because I do have to go a little further back and tell a little bit about who I am and kind of where I came from. As you know, I have twin sisters. So five years younger than. So all of you out there watching her, she went to school with my baby sister Cassie and Sabrina for a while.

00:10:11:14 - 00:10:19:10
Speaker 3
Right. Bobby was there. And that's how I met this beautiful soul. So, I'm the old lady of the family, and that's okay. I have no, no shame in that.

00:10:19:10 - 00:10:20:11
Speaker 2
So,

00:10:20:13 - 00:10:23:04
Speaker 1
Well, I think the word we would use wise.

00:10:23:04 - 00:10:23:21
Speaker 3
But is the word.

00:10:23:27 - 00:10:25:09
Speaker 2
Wise.

00:10:25:12 - 00:10:26:24
Speaker 3
Oh, I thought you said lies.

00:10:26:26 - 00:10:30:21
Speaker 2
Oh, no. No. It's like,

00:10:30:24 - 00:10:32:28
Speaker 3
Here and there, but.

00:10:33:00 - 00:10:34:06
Speaker 2
I,

00:10:34:08 - 00:10:57:03
Speaker 3
So, my, our parents passed away when we were very young. I was 16 when my father passed away. I was 25 when my mother passed away. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer when I was 27. And from that not to sound so sad, you know, I always an upbeat story, but the reality of that is when I entered my motherhood, I entered it a parent list parent, and I didn't have a lot of support.

00:10:57:03 - 00:11:06:06
Speaker 3
I didn't have, you know, a lot of time parents, even if it's unwelcome to at times have their opinion about how we mother. I don't think I'm often that.

00:11:06:09 - 00:11:06:19
Speaker 2
I.

00:11:06:22 - 00:11:15:18
Speaker 3
Do. You know they just got something to say. I imagine when I'm a grandmother, I'm going to have something to say to my kids like, well, you didn't eat like that. I guarantee I'll have something.

00:11:15:18 - 00:11:16:09
Speaker 1
I know what to do.

00:11:16:16 - 00:11:17:01
Speaker 2
Yeah, I.

00:11:17:01 - 00:11:30:08
Speaker 3
Know what to do. I could fix this. Right. So but I didn't have. And I had, like, when my parents were around before they passed. They were those type of parents that had something to say. You know, my dad was my coach. My mom was, you know, my motivator.

00:11:30:08 - 00:11:35:11
Speaker 2
And also I criticize her also. And also when I.

00:11:35:11 - 00:11:36:10
Speaker 1
Stood there.

00:11:36:13 - 00:11:37:02
Speaker 2
At the door.

00:11:37:03 - 00:11:44:14
Speaker 3
Yes, we had a hybrid relationship, you know, we we butted heads. There's no oldest daughter, mother. It's Taylor's all this time, right?

00:11:44:15 - 00:11:46:03
Speaker 1
You know, real thing, man.

00:11:46:06 - 00:12:02:03
Speaker 3
It's a real thing. And we had that going on. So when you lose that, you know, when you lose that sort of support, you're kind of looking around. You're like, well, where do I turn to for for support? And my sisters being young and single and beautiful and that, you know, I'm starting my family and they're still out partying.

00:12:02:05 - 00:12:21:04
Speaker 3
You know, like they're they want to be aunties from on Saturdays from noon to three. And then they got to get ready because they have a concert or a gig or, you know, so it's kind of like out there on this, like little parenting island. But my first son was born within the year of my diagnosis from cancer, because once I was cleared, I was like, I'm getting married.

00:12:21:04 - 00:12:29:11
Speaker 3
I'm getting pregnant today, like, I, I because I was so afraid it was going to come back. And I'm very happy to say it never did. So I'm 13 years cancer free.

00:12:29:15 - 00:12:30:19
Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah, I'm.

00:12:30:19 - 00:12:52:16
Speaker 3
40, so I mean, like, life is good. My life's been amazing. But in that moment I got married, I got pregnant, and Jax was a baby sent directly from heaven. I'm. I'm certain of it. You know, at three days old, he slept eight hours through the night. That kind of baby where it just makes babies look easy. He nursed like he'd been nursing his whole life.

00:12:52:17 - 00:13:08:04
Speaker 3
Like my my best friend on earth, Danita. She told me, you know, he, been here before. Like the sun, I would say. Like he don't been here before. Like that's also that baby's been here before. And that was Jax. So he was so easy that I was like, well, this is easy. I'm gonna have another baby immediately.

00:13:08:04 - 00:13:24:11
Speaker 3
So I did not. It's still not close. No. Irish twins, but they're 20 months apart. But when I got pregnant my second time, even during the pregnancy. And I really do mean this so and only this is, say, as if a mother's watching this. Somebody who's been through parenting for many years. Trust your gut. Follow your heart.

00:13:24:13 - 00:13:45:08
Speaker 3
Even if you have doctors telling you you're you're wrong or we don't see anything, believe yourself. You know, if there was one piece of advice I'd give any mother, especially young mothers, you know, believe yourself like that is not an accident. That you're having a feeling or an instinct. Trust yourself no matter what anyone says. You know what I mean?

00:13:45:11 - 00:13:46:26
Speaker 3
I mean, I was pregnant with Ellen.

00:13:46:28 - 00:13:59:21
Speaker 1
Oh, I was just say, that's so powerful because you're absolutely right. There are so many doctors out there that will just kind of dismiss you, especially as, you know, a young parent. I feel like, gosh, how much that happens.

00:13:59:23 - 00:14:16:15
Speaker 3
Oh, I don't I mean, absolutely, and I'm with me. I was an old parent. Yeah, I was 36 when I got pregnant with Ellis. And yeah, that's considered like geriatric, you know, which. Screw you, by the way. But it's what it's considered. That's fine. I was an old parent with Jax. I was 28. You know, that's still so young.

00:14:16:15 - 00:14:22:17
Speaker 3
I'm like a teen parent by any means. I wasn't going to get an MTV show or anything, you know, like I was no big old.

00:14:22:19 - 00:14:23:23
Speaker 2
But.

00:14:23:25 - 00:14:26:21
Speaker 3
But I was young enough that it was easy to write me.

00:14:26:21 - 00:14:27:02
Speaker 2
Off.

00:14:27:07 - 00:14:45:26
Speaker 3
And, you know, not having a lot of family support in that it was even easier for doctors to kind of write me out. So I during my pregnancy, I could feel something was different. And what I mean is when music would play and I don't want to scare anyone either. Like if you're pregnant and you know your baby doesn't move to music, don't freak out.

00:14:45:26 - 00:15:05:19
Speaker 3
But if you feel that and you also feel something in your gut, you know, maybe listen to it because one thing I didn't know is in most states, there's early intervention services that the state provides 100% for free. And it's from age 0 to 3. After that, you have to go through usually your state board of education or through private services.

00:15:05:21 - 00:15:17:21
Speaker 3
So the state of Illinois I can speak to we do have early intervention services that I did not know about. So every time I get an opportunity, I share that just in case one person out there was like, what do I do? Call your state.

00:15:17:23 - 00:15:18:07
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00:15:18:07 - 00:15:31:09
Speaker 3
And see if there's early intervention. Okay. He didn't respond to music. He nursed incessantly. I mean, he would nurse every 15 minutes. He didn't nap, reset. He didn't nap for seven months.

00:15:31:12 - 00:15:33:02
Speaker 2
Oh, and,

00:15:33:05 - 00:15:39:03
Speaker 3
And would sleep maybe at most an hour and a half to two hours through the night. Which led me.

00:15:39:04 - 00:15:40:08
Speaker 2
Through truly.

00:15:40:08 - 00:16:04:06
Speaker 3
Through, like, sleep deprivation. Yeah. To postpartum. And I would share this with you. And I guess all mothers know they're not alone. Postpartum psychosis like it led to the second wasn't just depression. It was, living for two years with suicidal ideologies and suicidal tendencies and truly getting to the point where I did have the plan to end my life.

00:16:04:09 - 00:16:24:12
Speaker 3
His behaviors were were violent and they were aggressive and they were consistent and there was no support and there was no services and nobody knew what to do. And the doctors just kept telling me, he's only one, and then he's only two. And then even if he was on the spectrum, we can't diagnose him till he's three.

00:16:24:14 - 00:16:36:00
Speaker 3
And that is that is a law. So but never told me that there was early intervention services or that there was someone out there that could help. There there are people that want to help, you know.

00:16:36:02 - 00:16:46:17
Speaker 1
And gosh, that sounds so lonely to kind of be there and be in such the state of mind that for you, there's there doesn't seem to be any other option but to.

00:16:46:19 - 00:16:47:05
Speaker 2
To end.

00:16:47:05 - 00:16:48:09
Speaker 1
It, you know.

00:16:48:09 - 00:16:49:18
Speaker 3
And I saw it. Yeah.

00:16:49:20 - 00:17:03:23
Speaker 1
Yeah. I had to have that and feel like you're having to like, carry that all by yourself. And you know, anyone that you're kind of trying to turn to and even the fact that you were reaching out for help and to have that hand kind of no, no no no.

00:17:04:12 - 00:17:05:19
Speaker 1
Oh my goodness.

00:17:05:21 - 00:17:09:19
Speaker 3
It was, it was a, it was a very profound and very like life changing experience.

00:17:09:19 - 00:17:11:10
Speaker 2
And I.

00:17:11:15 - 00:17:17:10
Speaker 3
I mean I truly can say I was never lower. And you know what makes me my heart hurt about that. I only talk about it like

00:17:17:10 - 00:17:23:08
Speaker 3
I look back at how much joy I missed because there was so much joy to be had.

00:17:23:08 - 00:17:28:08
Speaker 3
Like, they were the most beautiful boys that you ever want to believe, you know?

00:17:28:11 - 00:17:34:21
Speaker 3
And I missed so much joy because I carried so much pain. I'm so sorry.

00:17:35:26 - 00:17:38:03
Speaker 1
Now I can't stay for two years.

00:17:38:06 - 00:17:39:10
Speaker 2
I know.

00:17:39:10 - 00:17:44:15
Speaker 1
No, we're here about talking about real stuff. And tears are absolutely real.

00:17:44:17 - 00:17:47:11
Speaker 2
Oh my goodness. Okay, good.

00:17:47:11 - 00:17:51:22
Speaker 3
I'm glad I my mental health coach with me on this day. Thank you, thank you, praise you.

00:17:51:25 - 00:17:53:02
Speaker 2
Thank you.

00:17:53:04 - 00:18:17:24
Speaker 3
It was you know, I look back at these photos of these babies and there's moments where I'm like, I don't even know who these babies are because I was in the depths and in the weeds, and I missed it. I missed so much joy with my boys. Eventually I sought help, professional help for myself, and I started to take care of myself and demanding that my partner assisted in me taking care of me.

00:18:17:26 - 00:18:32:16
Speaker 3
Does that make sense? Yeah, I hope that, yes. You know, he kind of sat on the sidelines a bit and let me take charge of all the parenting, which I'm not even putting negative vibes on him for that. It was like, you're the mother. I believe you know the best thing to do. But at some.

00:18:32:16 - 00:18:40:20
Speaker 1
Point I waited right. Your mom okay. And she just, like, kick in when you had a baby. Like, you should just know what to do.

00:18:40:22 - 00:18:41:04
Speaker 2
You should just.

00:18:41:04 - 00:18:42:02
Speaker 3
Know what to do with this thing.

00:18:42:08 - 00:18:43:14
Speaker 2
Well, I am one.

00:18:43:14 - 00:18:52:29
Speaker 3
Hundred percent certain for a moment, you were a part of this process. Like, I'm almost positive you had something to do with this. To be a little bit of it.

00:18:53:02 - 00:18:54:04
Speaker 2
That's, you know.

00:18:54:07 - 00:19:08:13
Speaker 3
And he took a lot of sidelined seat. And me being a very Type-A personality undoubtedly, and being very controlling. Undoubtedly the oldest of three. Right. I took that as yeah, like almost like being a martyr of motherhood.

00:19:08:16 - 00:19:08:23
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00:19:08:24 - 00:19:11:17
Speaker 3
I was like, yes, it hurts, but it's supposed to hurt.

00:19:11:19 - 00:19:13:11
Speaker 2
And I don't.

00:19:13:13 - 00:19:32:29
Speaker 3
I gotta tell you now that I'm like, number three. Which number? Three. Like, I hope it turns out okay. I'm not sure. Jackson Ellis basically raised him. I like, get your brother yogurt. Okay. You know, so I'm. It really does live off of love. And go-gurt. And I hope he turns out okay.

00:19:33:01 - 00:19:34:20
Speaker 2
It's. Yeah. It's great.

00:19:34:25 - 00:19:45:10
Speaker 3
And out of the three, it's made him the most independent child to, you know, okay. He it has because he knows to ask for what he wants and I.

00:19:45:12 - 00:19:47:09
Speaker 2
Yeah, I love that.

00:19:47:14 - 00:20:10:12
Speaker 3
He had to learn where with the other two. I wasn't working full time. I wasn't taking care of myself. I was like, a mother is supposed to be a mother is supposed to be a mother. Because that's what my mom did. I saw my mom be a stay at home mom. Now, she didn't do a lot for herself, and if she did, it was still for me because basically her out was like PTO, you know, it's like, well, you're still doing it for my school.

00:20:10:19 - 00:20:26:03
Speaker 3
You know, like everything was revolved around the kids. And I guess, you know, if I was a mother, if I had a young mother in front of me, which you are, I would tell you, like, oh my God, just love yourself too and demand that the people around you support you as you support yourself.

00:20:26:05 - 00:20:26:28
Speaker 2
Because.

00:20:27:00 - 00:20:49:07
Speaker 3
That is where you can find the joy. I believe in the process, you know. He eventually was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. He was three and a half years old. After spending a year in special education, he received ABA applied Behavioral Analysis Therapy for three years. He was nonverbal until he was four and a half. And now, I mean, there's a lot of fight in between.

00:20:49:07 - 00:21:18:05
Speaker 3
There. But I'll take you to where we are today that he is a mainstream fourth grader. He still has an IEP, you know, an individualized education plan for those that don't know, that is a sign that he gets extra time on some testing. He's got some assistance for math homework. You know, there's certain things in his IEP meetings used to be sometimes 2.5 hours apiece, with a team of 17 people would be sitting around this boardroom assessing my child in every way.

00:21:18:08 - 00:21:29:06
Speaker 3
His first assessment, he was three and a half years old, and it almost broke me when they said he had the occupational skills of a 6 to 9 month old. He was three and a half.

00:21:29:09 - 00:21:30:07
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00:21:30:09 - 00:21:46:12
Speaker 3
It was I, I, you know, I felt like such a failure. And that's really where I started the spiral, because I was like, if I can't even be a mom and I'm supposed to know how to be a mom, right? Because isn't that kind of what they tell us? Like we're supposed to know how to do this? Yeah, I can't even do that.

00:21:46:14 - 00:22:02:04
Speaker 3
Then what? Worth do I have in this world? And that was really where, you know, that's all a part. So just demand the people in your life. If they want to be in your life, then they better support you as you support you. Because motherhood is hard as hell.

00:22:02:07 - 00:22:17:22
Speaker 1
Oh my gosh, it's so hard. And, you know, with the with the Beaver Cleaver stories out there, right, vacuuming in your pearls. I mean, that's all I, that's all part asked to live up to me. Yeah. And it's so unattainable.

00:22:17:24 - 00:22:22:16
Speaker 3
I think so, especially, you know, not in this eras tour like not in this economy.

00:22:22:17 - 00:22:24:28
Speaker 2
So we're not somebodys.

00:22:24:29 - 00:22:50:17
Speaker 3
Got to make money, you know. So like it was it was, it was quite, it was quite the journey with others and, and you know, the reason I went into this field was I never wanted someone to feel the way I felt. And so when I speak of, like, be the change, you want to see, it was like I wanted to become a leader that can help parents, guardians, siblings and self-advocates to.

00:22:50:20 - 00:22:51:04
Speaker 2
Believe.

00:22:51:04 - 00:23:01:20
Speaker 3
That their voice was worthy. Because once I found my voice again, it's pretty much over. It's like, well, I'm going to go do this. So how's the how's the ground beef coming?

00:23:01:22 - 00:23:04:24
Speaker 2
So it's all brown? Perfect.

00:23:04:26 - 00:23:06:23
Speaker 1
Do I add my seasoning? Now.

00:23:06:25 - 00:23:10:22
Speaker 3
What I would do, is it a frozen bag of cauliflower you have there?

00:23:10:24 - 00:23:15:12
Speaker 1
So I don't know what we wanted to do, so I tossed I roasted mine. Is that okay?

00:23:15:14 - 00:23:37:02
Speaker 3
Roast it. So, normally, if you were to have it, I would have a bag of flour of of, Sorry, a bag of frozen bag of cauliflower rice. So if you're home, check. Because what it takes on is the consistency of the beef or the ground turkey, whatever you use. So let's pretend we just put a bag of cauliflower rice.

00:23:37:04 - 00:23:37:26
Speaker 1
Here's my rice. Right.

00:23:37:27 - 00:23:40:03
Speaker 2
Cauliflower, And then I'm.

00:23:40:05 - 00:23:43:28
Speaker 1
Gonna make my kids.

00:23:44:00 - 00:23:45:13
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00:23:45:15 - 00:23:48:24
Speaker 3
All right. You just gonna, like, smash it down in there.

00:23:48:27 - 00:23:49:08
Speaker 2
And you gonna be.

00:23:49:09 - 00:23:50:04
Speaker 1
Perfect, like it.

00:23:50:04 - 00:23:52:11
Speaker 3
And and then you add the seasoning.

00:23:52:14 - 00:23:54:06
Speaker 1
Okay? And you make your own.

00:23:55:01 - 00:23:55:16
Speaker 1
Okay. Add your.

00:23:55:16 - 00:24:03:29
Speaker 3
Own case. And, I don't know if you usually put like a third cup water with the seasoning because then it kind of comes to a simmer.

00:24:04:02 - 00:24:05:01
Speaker 1
Okay. So I'm.

00:24:05:03 - 00:24:05:24
Speaker 2
Not.

00:24:05:26 - 00:24:20:03
Speaker 3
Yeah a simmer like I usually add some water or chicken broth if you prefer. It adds a little more flavor. And then you know let that simmer. And then while you make it simmer like so this is the Ellis taco because you have those chicken nuggets prepared on the side.

00:24:20:03 - 00:24:21:10
Speaker 2
I did.

00:24:21:12 - 00:24:28:07
Speaker 3
Ellis does not like ground meat. That's a food aversion. Very similar. But he always wants to be a.

00:24:28:09 - 00:24:35:24
Speaker 1
But before you go in, for those that don't kind of know like what? What would what's a through diversion. Can you tell us a little bit more about that.

00:24:35:27 - 00:24:36:15
Speaker 2
Oh I.

00:24:36:18 - 00:24:47:26
Speaker 3
Love to. So food aversions are so much deeper than I don't like the taste. Yeah. You know, like, what's the food you don't like?

00:24:47:29 - 00:24:52:06
Speaker 1
I'm not a big spicy person. I'm kind of being kind with me.

00:24:52:08 - 00:25:23:14
Speaker 3
Okay. That's perfect. I for a long time, like, I didn't like olives, you know? Okay. I kind of like them now, but I didn't like them. I just don't like that. So there's taste preferences. That's pretty normal. That's the human body. Like our only preferences, aversions. And it's very typical in autistic people. The texture, the smell, the taste can literally send them down a rabbit hole of sensory that can make them feel ill, anxious.

00:25:23:16 - 00:25:36:17
Speaker 3
It's not so. So many times especially, people will say, well, if they're hungry, they'll eat. And when small kids that don't have sort of versions are on a spectrum probably is true. You know, they might munch on a carrot eventually because they're very hungry.

00:25:36:23 - 00:25:37:01
Speaker 2
Now.

00:25:37:02 - 00:25:43:09
Speaker 1
Not by you. I mean my kiddos are. The force of stubbornness is strong.

00:25:43:11 - 00:25:46:19
Speaker 2
Is it really?

00:25:46:21 - 00:25:52:06
Speaker 2
I wonder where they get that. They're like, no, I'm not hungry. Even though I haven't eaten all.

00:25:52:06 - 00:25:57:29
Speaker 1
Day and my body is hangry. My mom told no.

00:25:58:02 - 00:25:59:08
Speaker 2
But they're not eating.

00:25:59:11 - 00:26:03:12
Speaker 3
Okay, so they will stay stubborn for those vegetables to for you.

00:26:03:15 - 00:26:04:04
Speaker 2
Okay.

00:26:04:06 - 00:26:07:16
Speaker 3
Well, well, Ellis, you know, it's really they.

00:26:07:19 - 00:26:08:08
Speaker 2
They will.

00:26:08:08 - 00:26:08:22
Speaker 3
Not.

00:26:08:22 - 00:26:10:12
Speaker 2
Eat. They won't.

00:26:10:18 - 00:26:50:13
Speaker 3
And and it would for some people especially. So it's only been 50 years that it was illegal to institutionalized people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Only 50 years in the United States of America has it been illegal to institutionalize people. So we have to kind of keep that in mind that this is still pretty recent, that we've even started taking services, as a serious industry, and that people deserve opportunities for different therapies and different services and different living arrangements that allow them to have individual lives and, empowered lives.

00:26:50:15 - 00:27:14:17
Speaker 3
Truly, you know, that they're empowered in their own choices. They could be thrown an institution and they could be sedated, and that's where they would live their days. And that was common. So it's still very new that people are learning and being educated on the reality that children with autism will often just not eat so in institutions because they wouldn't eat, they rather be fed by food tubes, you know, like, or they would just starve.

00:27:14:19 - 00:27:34:10
Speaker 3
And there were instances where people did just starve till they passed because they won't eat. So Alice has very particular tastes, and even though he's gotten very brave and grown so much and he has strawberries, he'll try pineapples. He likes apples, he eats carrots. He's actually the best eater out of the two oldest boys for sure. Now, Emmet Emma eats everything.

00:27:34:10 - 00:27:51:06
Speaker 3
That's a fun age. He's three and a half. He eats everything now. They're two are still kind of picky, but Alice, he always wants to be a part of Taco night, even though he's not going to eat that meat. And he doesn't eat shredded cheese, and he doesn't eat sour cream, and he to me, lettuce. So it's like, what can what.

00:27:51:06 - 00:27:51:19
Speaker 2
Do.

00:27:51:19 - 00:28:04:15
Speaker 3
You eat? What can we do? He likes to eat. He likes Doritos and he likes taco shells. So the crunch works for him. Yeah. So what we do in our little house is he eats a crunchy shell.

00:28:04:18 - 00:28:04:28
Speaker 1
Okay.

00:28:04:28 - 00:28:19:16
Speaker 3
Lines it with chicken fingers or tenders inside. And then he uses barbecue sauce on those chicken tenders in the crunchy shell. And I know, but don't knock it till you try it because honestly, not bad.

00:28:19:18 - 00:28:28:28
Speaker 1
You're getting like double crunchiness. Because if you've got a crispy chicken tender, you put the taco and then you know you've got your yummy barbecue sauce.

00:28:28:28 - 00:28:29:07
Speaker 2
So you.

00:28:29:07 - 00:28:32:28
Speaker 3
Mix it and then he'll usually crush some Doritos on top of that.

00:28:33:01 - 00:28:34:20
Speaker 2
Barbecue sauce. Okay, you.

00:28:34:20 - 00:28:36:02
Speaker 3
Know, for a fact.

00:28:36:05 - 00:28:39:13
Speaker 2
For a little triple. And yes.

00:28:39:20 - 00:28:47:14
Speaker 3
And then it's a way that we can all have taco night together, you know? And he doesn't feel excluded from the process so that.

00:28:48:00 - 00:28:53:14
Speaker 3
He is having tacos, too. So that's really where it's become a fun weekly dinner for us.

00:28:53:16 - 00:29:05:29
Speaker 1
Do you find that that inclusion and finding those means. Yes, there's maybe splayed adaptations to it. Has that been useful beneficial to kind of his historically?

00:29:06:01 - 00:29:07:22
Speaker 2
Oh, absolutely.

00:29:07:24 - 00:29:19:04
Speaker 3
Right. It's because, versus teaching them that they need to accommodate to the world. It's also teaching them that they are empowered to have people accommodate them, too.

00:29:19:07 - 00:29:22:28
Speaker 2
Yeah. You know what I mean? And I like it. Yes.

00:29:23:01 - 00:29:42:06
Speaker 3
And and creating that empowerment in him that he's deserving to ask for what he wants just because it's not like what everybody else wants doesn't make it any less. I think that's a lot of empowerment. And he takes that on himself. And also if there's ever reason to put a bag of Doritos on the table, all kids are happy in my house.

00:29:42:06 - 00:29:49:04
Speaker 3
And I know if you're like a great crunchy mom or an almond mom, you're gonna be like, you're awesome. But that's working. That's fine. I don't care.

00:29:49:07 - 00:30:12:20
Speaker 1
But again, everybody has their own story. And so if you're able to have kiddos eat with that diet and they're thriving and you're able to sustain it, you keep doing you and you keep thriving. Not everybody has that luxury. Not everybody has the funds to be able. I mean, some of those, you know, crunchy foods, as you mentioned, they're expensive.

00:30:12:22 - 00:30:13:11
Speaker 1
And so it's.

00:30:13:11 - 00:30:14:16
Speaker 3
$5 a bag.

00:30:14:19 - 00:30:18:26
Speaker 1
Exactly. Like you go to Trader Joe's and it's, you know, a car payment.

00:30:18:29 - 00:30:19:25
Speaker 2
Yes. Oh my.

00:30:19:25 - 00:30:29:14
Speaker 3
So yes, it is true. I mean yeah, we struggle. I mean it is a struggle. And I don't know about your boys yet, but are they in the snacking phase yet?

00:30:29:17 - 00:30:40:01
Speaker 1
Oh yeah. We have this snacking stomach. It's probably three times the size of their regular stomach.

00:30:40:03 - 00:30:40:23
Speaker 2
What is.

00:30:40:23 - 00:30:43:27
Speaker 3
That? Why is that? That's the same here.

00:30:43:27 - 00:30:45:07
Speaker 2
Like snack.

00:30:45:10 - 00:30:47:15
Speaker 3
But you snack like, he'll eat like.

00:30:47:17 - 00:30:49:01
Speaker 2
Oh, popcorn.

00:30:49:03 - 00:30:58:14
Speaker 3
Also, Alice will eat more popcorn. He would live off popcorn if I let him. I'm 100% certain he would turn into a cob of corn if I allowed that to happen.

00:30:58:21 - 00:31:01:19
Speaker 1
Like a buttery popcorn. Like what kind of popcorn are we talking?

00:31:01:19 - 00:31:02:13
Speaker 2
Sure.

00:31:02:13 - 00:31:23:21
Speaker 3
So he'll do bag popcorn. He would. Do we have a homemade popcorn maker that he loves and he likes that white cheddar seasoning that's like that pop pop kernel seasoning. And the blue pan or blue container. He'd eat that all day. Or that smart popcorn. Okay. I mean, like that. The white cheddar. He'll mess that up too. Like he popcorn.

00:31:23:21 - 00:31:25:12
Speaker 3
He would turn into a combo popcorn if I.

00:31:25:12 - 00:31:27:20
Speaker 2
Could so or if he could.

00:31:27:23 - 00:31:39:13
Speaker 3
But okay. So I usually do that with the tacos. So that's the Elvis tacos on the side. And also I feel like often moms we are line cooks. I don't know if you're a mom alone in that, but I'm always see, like I'm making different meals for each kid.

00:31:40:16 - 00:31:41:10
Speaker 3
Do you have that too?

00:31:41:16 - 00:31:45:16
Speaker 1
Yeah, in the orders. What do you want? What do you want?

00:31:45:18 - 00:32:04:00
Speaker 3
So the accommodations relish or the crunchy, chicken tender taco. And then for Jack's and Emmett is where I have the cauliflower. So once that's all baked in the one. Yeah, I really kind of just make it, like, a lazy Susan type. So I have it here. You can't see that I will put out usually, you know, shredded lettuce.

00:32:04:03 - 00:32:04:09
Speaker 1
Okay.

00:32:04:10 - 00:32:17:12
Speaker 3
And yeah, you got the kinds of there and diced tomatoes. Jack love sour cream and cheddar cheese. I lie to myself and say is getting some protein in there? You know, what you can see is pretty protein. It's getting clean protein. Not a lot of vegetables.

00:32:17:18 - 00:32:17:26
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00:32:17:26 - 00:32:27:12
Speaker 3
And then I let them assemble it themselves. You know, even the three year old, he'll put his own toppings on and and that makes it more fun too.

00:32:27:15 - 00:32:34:18
Speaker 1
I was just going to ask, why is that important to you about having them assemble their own stuff? Can you tell me more about that?

00:32:34:21 - 00:32:52:19
Speaker 3
Yeah. So I think having the age gap, which, for an adds an age gap. So Jackson was there's not much age like 20 months. They ride their bikes together, they go to the same elementary school. They're going to say middle school at one point. Same high school at one point. Emmett, you know when see if I'm it's three and a half.

00:32:52:19 - 00:33:18:04
Speaker 3
That means Alice was six and Jax was eight when he was born. So that's a pretty decent age gap to come in. You've got this brand new baby. They don't have a whole lot in common, right? They're not going riding bikes together. So I like to create kind of meals where they all feel their own independence. And also, I can't be the only mom that does get tired of making five separate meals.

00:33:18:06 - 00:33:22:19
Speaker 2
Yeah, I feel like, you know, that's insane.

00:33:22:22 - 00:33:26:15
Speaker 3
And also, when they get old enough, I don't know if you're sick. How old are your boys?

00:33:26:17 - 00:33:28:13
Speaker 1
So eight and ten.

00:33:28:15 - 00:33:32:10
Speaker 3
They are eight and ten. Okay. So do they make their own dinner ever.

00:33:32:12 - 00:33:52:03
Speaker 1
So we do more lunches like breakfast and lunches. They usually kind of take care of their own. Perfect. And then dinner. Usually moms, you know, got some sort of, you know, something. And I like I like to cook in bulk. So they do leftovers a lot. So that's when usually you're getting your your different orders. Is okay.

00:33:52:03 - 00:33:54:04
Speaker 1
You've got, you know, five different leftovers.

00:33:54:07 - 00:33:58:12
Speaker 2
Dishes from which when you want I.

00:33:58:16 - 00:34:01:04
Speaker 3
See like that. So you're a food prep person.

00:34:01:11 - 00:34:05:08
Speaker 1
Oh 100%. I don't think I would survive otherwise.

00:34:05:10 - 00:34:23:23
Speaker 3
All right. That's a really good tip. Maybe I'll food prep more because I don't. I feel like I'm always flying off the coast, like I'm always flying off the car for these kids. I am. But I think taco night for us is just like one meal that everyone will eat and their own special way. And every taco's a little different, but we can all come around the table and laugh.

00:34:23:25 - 00:34:38:27
Speaker 3
You know, and talk about the day and relax and actually enjoy the meal. Because often when I make anything fancier, I'm in the kitchen cooking while I'm serving them food. By the time I'm ready to eat, too, they're done eating.

00:34:39:00 - 00:34:40:08
Speaker 2
Yeah. I mean, yeah.

00:34:40:09 - 00:34:46:00
Speaker 3
Like this is something you can put out all at once and then you can all enjoy it together. It is fun.

00:34:46:02 - 00:35:12:17
Speaker 1
I love that. So I'm curious as I'm a kind of assembling my my tacos. I've got one chicken chicken tender one one with the ground meat. But I'd love to know kind of as you're going through. I mean, just such a powerful and moving story, which I want to just take a moment and say thank you so much for for your willingness to kind of get raw and vulnerable with me, which I know is not the norm.

00:35:12:20 - 00:35:45:15
Speaker 1
I feel like most people's tendencies are to keep some of these things hush hush. We don't we don't, we don't share because we need to perpetuate the story that we have in our head. So first, thank you so much for your willingness to even share this with us. But also, I'd love to know kind of what you think for you like biggest moment or, you know, kind of as you're doing this that you've had about parenting and parenting in this climate, etc..

00:35:45:18 - 00:35:47:07
Speaker 2
Oh wow.

00:35:47:09 - 00:35:48:13
Speaker 3
My biggest

00:35:48:15 - 00:35:51:02
Speaker 2
Moment.

00:35:51:04 - 00:35:57:04
Speaker 3
Oh you mean like about like my career or about my motherhood.

00:35:57:07 - 00:36:01:07
Speaker 1
More on the parenting side. Yeah for sure.

00:36:01:10 - 00:36:20:05
Speaker 3
You know, I think a huge moment for me was probably a few years ago when I could feel me kind of falling into the depths of again of depression. After Emmett was born and, consistently.

00:36:20:05 - 00:36:21:23
Speaker 2
Struggling.

00:36:21:27 - 00:36:43:24
Speaker 3
To feel good in first off my skin and second off in my personal development and in my life. So because of how I was raised and neither good nor bad, they did the right thing for them. My parents, that my mom stayed at home and my father was the breadwinner if you would. Even after he passed away. He was a very fiscally responsible man.

00:36:43:24 - 00:36:56:28
Speaker 3
And so my mom worked, but she worked not. But she worked as a union bus driver. She worked her butt off, you know, and she loved her career. She loved her independence. And she was so good at it. And people loved her because they should. She was wonderful.

00:36:57:03 - 00:36:58:14
Speaker 1
She was amazing.

00:36:58:16 - 00:37:00:01
Speaker 3
Yes, she truly was.

00:37:00:08 - 00:37:01:12
Speaker 2
She's a lot.

00:37:01:15 - 00:37:24:23
Speaker 3
But I love her. I miss her, that's for sure, you know? But she did that for insurance, right? She put herself out there to make sure that me and my sisters had insurance and that we were safe, but she wasn't necessarily providing for our everyday bills because she had had that in my dad, you know, and that was a very positive and also very traditional, you know, for their especially for their era, because my parents were older when they had kids.

00:37:24:23 - 00:37:29:13
Speaker 3
So my parents are actually boomers. Most people my age like us that are Gen X are their parents.

00:37:29:13 - 00:37:30:16
Speaker 1
But okay, my.

00:37:30:16 - 00:37:54:03
Speaker 3
Dad was 40 before he had kids and my mom was 33 when she had me in 37 when she had casting and Brie and my dad was 45 when he had my sisters. So that's an older set generation for parenting, right? Absolutely. And now people are waiting to have kids till later. And as well, they sure like you just have a baby whenever you want to have a baby.

00:37:54:03 - 00:37:55:13
Speaker 3
Do not do it because I don't.

00:37:55:13 - 00:37:58:02
Speaker 2
Want to bless you.

00:37:58:05 - 00:38:00:11
Speaker 3
God bless you if you don't want to have kids.

00:38:00:13 - 00:38:04:10
Speaker 2
Bless you. I mean, just as the the goal.

00:38:04:10 - 00:38:08:03
Speaker 1
To be able to say, you know what? Kids aren't for me.

00:38:08:06 - 00:38:08:18
Speaker 2
Oh my.

00:38:08:18 - 00:38:09:17
Speaker 1
Goodness.

00:38:09:19 - 00:38:14:27
Speaker 2
Go. You better you know it. Now you go because.

00:38:15:00 - 00:38:34:24
Speaker 3
It's not for everybody. And the fact that we do put women's like value on. Are you married. Do you have children? No and no. And there was this meme I sent Cassie. You know, because she is not she's not found her person yet. That's okay. And I said it was like when someone asked you, so why aren't you married?

00:38:34:24 - 00:38:37:18
Speaker 3
Your response should be just lucky, I guess.

00:38:37:20 - 00:38:43:01
Speaker 2
Like, just I totally love that. This is lucky. This.

00:38:43:08 - 00:38:45:19
Speaker 3
Some of us are blessed. Like, why don't you have children?

00:38:45:23 - 00:38:46:07
Speaker 2
The Lord.

00:38:46:07 - 00:38:47:15
Speaker 3
Loves me. Just don't.

00:38:47:21 - 00:38:48:14
Speaker 2
Thank you, Jesus.

00:38:48:15 - 00:38:50:13
Speaker 3
I praise him.

00:38:50:13 - 00:38:56:19
Speaker 2
Praise above like do not fall victim. Damn. You are less.

00:38:56:21 - 00:39:03:09
Speaker 3
If you do not have children. No, you're not. You're just richer. You got no stretch marks. Your boobs stay in the right spot.

00:39:03:11 - 00:39:06:24
Speaker 1
You can go on vacation whenever you want, you know?

00:39:06:26 - 00:39:17:03
Speaker 3
Over you want. You know, like after I did nurse my kids, I nursed all three. It was going to cost me 20 grand to get back to the factory reset to put everything back in place.

00:39:17:05 - 00:39:25:21
Speaker 1
Absolutely. I mean, you got to come find them now. You know, every morning it's like, where'd they go?

00:39:25:24 - 00:39:37:14
Speaker 3
This is living in slop. And over here, you know, it's so like, good for you. Whoever woman or man decides I don't want to have children. So I don't put any pressure on that. I don't even know where we were going. You have me cracking up. What are we talking about?

00:39:37:17 - 00:39:41:05
Speaker 2
We're talking about your moment. Oh, yeah.

00:39:41:07 - 00:40:01:18
Speaker 3
I can see myself spiraling back out into the ceiling. That those voids of depression and and feeling like all I was, was caught up in this day to day with these kids who I love. But these kids, you know, they put a lot of pressure on you. And I decided to make the bold change and was radical for my life to work full time.

00:40:01:21 - 00:40:20:06
Speaker 3
Now I understand, like for some people, like, well, I had no choice and I don't mean any negativity works for me. I was working for jobs for ten years and it took a very big toll trying to balance my life around these kids because I wouldn't put my kids in daycare. It was a it was a thing because my mom's like, I would never put my kids in daycare.

00:40:20:13 - 00:40:28:02
Speaker 3
So it perpetuated to me that I would also never put my kids daycare, because that would make me a bad mom. Do you get what I'm saying?

00:40:28:05 - 00:40:29:28
Speaker 1
Yeah, 100%.

00:40:30:00 - 00:40:39:04
Speaker 3
And well, guess what? We just broke as hell. I was miserable. Yeah, my marriage was falling apart.

00:40:39:06 - 00:40:40:26
Speaker 2
And.

00:40:40:28 - 00:40:50:06
Speaker 3
I mean, it really was an of I cannot do what she did, and I don't have to do what my mother did.

00:40:50:08 - 00:40:51:28
Speaker 2
I can.

00:40:52:00 - 00:41:09:09
Speaker 3
I can do things differently. Yeah. So I went back to school while I was pregnant with Emmett and I went back like I told you to get justice studies of what it is legal justice studies from Rasmussen University. I graduated top 1% of my class graduate with a 4.0 GPA while having kids.

00:41:09:12 - 00:41:14:11
Speaker 2
While white men? Yes. You, look at me. Right?

00:41:14:11 - 00:41:33:18
Speaker 3
And I became a professional paralegal, and my hairdresser got me a job as a paralegal at the leading firm Myers and Flowers and Saint Charles. And while I was there, I was making okay money, like, I'm all right, you know, like, I can make ends meet with that. It was a good start, but one time I was signing this contract between you and me and everyone that watches.

00:41:33:18 - 00:41:50:02
Speaker 3
Of course I understand. But between you and me, I signed this contract. And I kid you not on this case. My attorney was going to make, like, $4.7 million off of this case. And what I was going to make was like $4.70.

00:41:50:07 - 00:41:53:09
Speaker 2
Off of, like, the work I put in.

00:41:53:12 - 00:42:18:14
Speaker 3
You know what I mean? Like the and I was like, well, ain't this some bullshit? I was like, no, no, no, so I started fighting. I started learning politics. I became a director of government relations. I poured myself into my career while balancing with my kids. And what I found for me is when I was able to embrace my passions, my love for myself.

00:42:18:17 - 00:42:21:15
Speaker 3
Motherhood became a little better for me.

00:42:23:02 - 00:42:27:19
Speaker 3
And it did go to daycare. All the things I said would never happen. Well, he did.

00:42:27:21 - 00:42:27:26
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00:42:27:27 - 00:42:30:01
Speaker 3
And I to tell you he's alive.

00:42:30:03 - 00:42:31:25
Speaker 2
He's happy.

00:42:31:27 - 00:42:52:08
Speaker 3
He spoke earlier than his siblings. He is more independent. He eats a better diet because they make all their meals there. You never believe this. I got this townhouse in Algonquin and his daycare is across the street from me. So every morning we walk down the stairs to his daycare and take him to school. So he's physically close.

00:42:52:08 - 00:43:09:27
Speaker 3
But, somebody else is providing care for him. Yes. And while that was a hard thing for me to do to break that kind of generational, I would never say it was a curse. But, president, you know that this is this is what we do in this family. And I decided to not. And now I'm a CEO.

00:43:10:04 - 00:43:31:17
Speaker 3
I'm the first CEO in my family and and on either side, like my mom or my dad's. I'm a first female CEO. I'm an entrepreneur, and I have no regrets. And even if one day and I keep saying this, I've maybe one day I'll look back and I'll be like, well, I made the right decision. But I gotta tell you, girl, today and that day because I like.

00:43:31:20 - 00:43:33:10
Speaker 2
I like me.

00:43:33:12 - 00:43:53:19
Speaker 3
I like the capability of being me. And I feel that the moment for me is the stronger I am and myself. The stronger I am with my boys. And I feel like I'm teaching them that women are allowed to be empowered too, and that women deserve to be happy in their motherhood as well. So that was a big thing for me.

00:43:53:24 - 00:43:55:02
Speaker 3
It's going well so far.

00:43:55:05 - 00:43:55:26
Speaker 2
It is. Yeah.

00:43:56:03 - 00:44:12:08
Speaker 1
And I love that. You know, you're absolutely right. So many of us kind of have this box, right. This outline of what it's supposed to look like, how we're supposed to do things, and we're trying to fit in somebody else's box. And guess what? It doesn't.

00:44:12:11 - 00:44:12:22
Speaker 2
Fit.

00:44:12:25 - 00:44:34:15
Speaker 1
Because you're your own person. You have your own life experiences. You're your own challenges that not everybody's going to to know or be able to kind of navigate in the exact same way. And so what I love about what you said is it sounds like you made your own box. And so now fits perfectly because it is customized to you and to your family.

00:44:34:17 - 00:44:38:03
Speaker 3
It's the best I can one day at a time.

00:44:38:06 - 00:44:40:01
Speaker 2
Yes, and that is.

00:44:40:01 - 00:44:54:17
Speaker 3
But it's hard because. And then also, you know, it's a weird life, right? Because my mom and dad aren't here. So really, nobody's judging me, which I know that sounds. I mean, like a good thing, but sometimes it's hard. You don't get the feedback, so you're like, am I doing.

00:44:54:17 - 00:44:55:10
Speaker 2
A good job?

00:44:55:13 - 00:45:12:25
Speaker 3
Like, am I okay at this? And then all of a sudden, like, those boys will come up to me and make me laugh, or I sigh and get a call from school that, you know, they're doing incredibly well, or I see them pick a piece of garbage off the street and throw it in the garbage can. And I'm like, no, I'm doing all right.

00:45:12:28 - 00:45:13:06
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00:45:13:07 - 00:45:22:11
Speaker 3
You know, I just, I wish, I wish all moms the grace that we give others. Imagine if we gave that grace to ourselves.

00:45:22:14 - 00:45:23:27
Speaker 2
How.

00:45:24:00 - 00:45:32:04
Speaker 3
Honestly more beautiful life would be. The women give so much grace, I think, to men.

00:45:32:07 - 00:45:33:29
Speaker 2
I was watching.

00:45:34:01 - 00:45:43:22
Speaker 3
I was thinking about it like it's all the grace I gave a man I had given myself. I would be a chubby millionaire by now.

00:45:43:25 - 00:45:46:15
Speaker 2
I'd be a chubby. I'd be a chubby.

00:45:46:15 - 00:45:48:16
Speaker 3
Ass millionaire girl. Because I would.

00:45:48:20 - 00:45:50:13
Speaker 2
Have, like, this huge, like.

00:45:50:15 - 00:46:04:18
Speaker 3
Luxurious career. And I would not be limiting myself when I go out for dinner. I wouldn't say like, oh, just lettuce, please. I mean, like, yeah, give me that double bacon cheeseburger. Extra set of fries, please. Cheese. I want at.

00:46:04:18 - 00:46:06:05
Speaker 1
All. Like.

00:46:06:07 - 00:46:13:01
Speaker 2
I don't want no Diet Coke. Give me the real, real thing I want. I want the sugar. All of it in there.

00:46:13:07 - 00:46:23:14
Speaker 3
But just please tap it with a little cane sugar while you're back there. But no, you know, we feel the pressure to look good, to be good, to have our hair dyed. Don't go gray.

00:46:23:16 - 00:46:27:08
Speaker 2
Don't age, don't gain weight.

00:46:27:10 - 00:46:31:12
Speaker 3
Well I dyed my hair like that. Yeah. Right. Like I don't have any wrinkles.

00:46:31:12 - 00:46:32:03
Speaker 2
Please.

00:46:32:03 - 00:46:36:19
Speaker 3
This is $1,000 worth of stuff in this phase. You know to be 40.

00:46:36:22 - 00:46:40:11
Speaker 2
I don't know cheekbones. You know what paid for these cheekbones. And I have, you know.

00:46:40:11 - 00:46:56:20
Speaker 3
Like even stuff like that, like taking care of me and and being truthful in that. I think that vulnerability always gains more connection than pretending everything's perfect. Like, let's talk about the fact that it's hard. Yet somehow here we are being amazing because women are amazing. It's true.

00:46:56:21 - 00:47:08:17
Speaker 1
Oh my gosh, I love this. I love getting an opportunity to chat with you. So again thank you so much. Surface my my beautiful fierce gamer. I so.

00:47:08:19 - 00:47:08:24
Speaker 2
Love.

00:47:08:24 - 00:47:15:28
Speaker 1
Taking a bite. But we'll do that. You don't have to hear me crunching. All right. Because he's. You know, I got the triple crunch in here.

00:47:17:23 - 00:47:26:15
Speaker 1
But it was been so amazing. And I know you have so much more to share, so I'm sure I'll probably bug you again and make you come back and talk to me some more.

00:47:26:18 - 00:47:27:06
Speaker 2
All right.

00:47:27:06 - 00:47:41:05
Speaker 3
Well, it's been such a pleasure. You were amazing. And I once again, so proud of you. You're such an incredible woman. And you're changing the world. So thank you for thinking of me in your journey. It means a lot. You're incredible.

00:47:41:05 - 00:47:42:14
Speaker 2
You are. Hey, I.

00:47:42:14 - 00:47:44:27
Speaker 1
Got to live up to my big sister right?

00:47:44:29 - 00:47:53:19
Speaker 2
There you go, baby. I love thank you so much. I love you, too. My all time soon. Bye.

00:47:54:26 - 00:48:07:05
Speaker 2
If you or anyone that you know is struggling with any of the topics that we discussed in today's episode, make sure to check out our show notes for support and resources. You can get help.

00:48:07:21 - 00:48:26:28
Speaker 1
Thanks again for joining us on today's episode of The Real Family Eats. If you're a parent ready to share your real life parenting story, make sure to reach out to us and our website. Found in the show notes. And that goes for today's recipe. Social media support and resources. All of that can be found in our show notes.

00:48:27:01 - 00:48:43:22
Speaker 1
So make sure to check them out and make sure to follow. Like, share, subscribe and stay up to date on all things the real family eats. I hope you'll join us next time for more food for thought and thoughtful food! Enjoy your eats!